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Post by lakeside4003 on Jan 17, 2017 17:50:50 GMT -5
Wife had her solo appt with our therapist today - therapist suggested last week that W come in alone today to specifically discuss her avoidance, the SM and if she wants to work on this. a few days earlier, I forwarded a link to both W and therapist (thanks again bballgirl!) that summarized my feelings incredibly well. After she returned, I asked 'how did it go? did you discuss the link that I had sent?' She said they had...and then no more info...so I say, I'm happy to discuss that if you want, anytime you want... still waiting... themarriageplace.com/2017/01/not-having-sex-in-marriage/#comment-15080 |
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Post by bballgirl on Jan 17, 2017 18:04:58 GMT -5
You are very welcome. Something to ponder, if she can't talk to you about sex or about the article and about how you feel then maybe she doesn't deserve you. Maybe you deserve better.
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Post by baza on Jan 17, 2017 18:20:55 GMT -5
You are the recipient of a piece of a very clear communication from your avoidant missus Brother lakeside.
She appears to have been sending this same message, in various formats and delivery methods for quite some time.
And, by the same token, you have been sending her a pretty clear message over a long time too, by your actions.
The message you've been sending is - "I'm ok with this".
If you weren't ok with this, you wouldn't be there.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 17, 2017 19:15:01 GMT -5
That article is a very, very good summary. I would give it a 85%. I was really liking it until I reached this part, "don't be afraid to find out exactly why you are not having sex. What ever the reason there is very likely a solution." Getting the "why" answered from someone who has fears, phobias,( whatever labels you want to tack onto it) will be like chasing the wind. You are asking them to communicate about something that gives them power, esteem, importance, safety, by avoiding communication. Saying nothing IS their way of saying something.
I also have yet to hear what all of these likely solutions are, especially through therapy.
I believe the message that most of us send back to a refuser, is one of giving up, giving in, confusion, and seclusion. What we don't realize is how long and slow a process that is until it backfires. By then it's to late.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 17, 2017 19:57:10 GMT -5
I was also impressed, (and not surprised) at how many women commented, and asked, "where's the woman who lIASM side of this?"
Makes me wonder about when my day comes to start on-line dating, to say, "only woman who have suffered through a SM need apply!"
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Post by beachguy on Jan 17, 2017 23:46:22 GMT -5
After she returned, I asked 'how did it go? did you discuss the link that I had sent?' She said they had...and then no more info...so I say, I'm happy to discuss that if you want, anytime you want... A better response, by my way of thinking... "keep in mind your marriage depends on how you address this" Otherwise the "therapy" is a total waste of your copay, even if it's only 20 bucks. Because, as already mentioned, without saying that you are saying "I'm ok with this (except when I get in one of my rare moods)" I'm convinced I coddled my wife way too much over this. Up until I left her. |
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Post by ted on Jan 18, 2017 7:30:35 GMT -5
When I read things like this, I often want to send them to my STBX. For so long, I've wished she understood why our marriage was ending.
Then fear comes over me, fear that she'd apologize and want to work on things again. I don't know how to believe she actually understood and desired sex with me. I'd imagine she was just doing whatever was necessary to maintain the status quo, that she was ignorant, or at best, that she was incapable of truly wanting sex with me.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 18, 2017 9:45:13 GMT -5
When I read things like this, I often want to send them to my STBX. For so long, I've wished she understood why our marriage was ending. Then fear comes over me, fear that she'd apologize and want to work on things again. I don't know how to believe she actually understood and desired sex with me. I'd imagine she was just doing whatever was necessary to maintain the status quo, that she was ignorant, or at best, that she was incapable of truly wanting sex with me. There does and will come a point when wishing they understood why our marriage was ending , will no longer be important, or needed for you. It sure is a strong, desire to have them understand, in the beginning, before and during the divorce! It gives you the confidence, and reassurance that you are doing the right thing, by ending the marriage. Especially after years of being told how wrong you are, that your needs are not important, and don't concern them , or affect the marriage,in the slightest. Reality is that you will not receive that understanding, from a manipulative, controlling, rejecting, spouse. This article fails to bring up the powerful, bait and switch actions of your STBX, that they conveniently, forget. They will forever control that it remains forgotten through their communication, of , denial,fear,avoidance, changing subjects, reversing the subject making them the victim and you the offender .DARVO. |
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Post by lakeside4003 on Jan 18, 2017 15:48:38 GMT -5
still waiting...didn't bring it up for a 3rd time last night, but this morning I again suggested maybe we should talk about what she discussed with our therapist...
W -'not now, I want to get my thoughts together'...
4 hours later she heads out for errands...she knows I'm out tonite playing tennis, so who wants to bet that this can keep getting kicked down the road for awhile longer?
whatever.
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Post by bballgirl on Jan 18, 2017 15:57:23 GMT -5
Yes she will avoid it every way she can. It's a typical behavior of refusers.
My ex avoided and went into denial about the divorce until the day he was served.
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Post by lakeside4003 on Jan 20, 2017 10:52:15 GMT -5
still waiting...
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Post by lyn on Jan 21, 2017 15:31:34 GMT -5
Her silence about this is overwhelmingly loud. |
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Post by bballgirl on Jan 21, 2017 15:56:49 GMT -5
Waiting is ok, just don't hold your breath!  |
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Post by baza on Jan 21, 2017 16:36:04 GMT -5
"Waiting" = the default choice, which is "staying".
And "staying" is a perfectly valid choice.
Every bit as valid as cheating or leaving.
Then, the onus is on you to own that choice, as it is not your spouses responsibility that you are staying, it is yours.
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Post by shamwow on Jan 21, 2017 16:37:53 GMT -5
"Waiting" = the default choice, which is "staying". And "staying" is a perfectly valid choice. Every bit as valid as cheating or leaving. Then, the onus is on you to own that choice, as it is not your spouses responsibility that you are staying, it is yours. Truth |
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