|
|
Post by McRoomMate on Jan 15, 2017 7:24:22 GMT -5
Yes, I am in my Second Sexless Marriage where we are beyond "Refusing" - we are room mates and parents together - Zero passion - Love long gone - not just lack of sex - but lack of passion - lack of intimacy - lack of any semblance of a romance or love beyond parenting and running a house. All I seem to hear (out there, not in here) so cynical / so matter of factly - is oh there is no such thing as True Love - that passion dies - that the "In love" turns into this fuddy dud companionship - LIES - Do not believe it. This article details the huge percentage (like 30% or 40% of couples/ marriages that stay "In Love" and have "Romantic Love" for years if not decades - It does exist - there are such stories. So maybe reading this will help you. It is possible - I can have this in my life - maybe not with my current wife - but not a fairy tale - a possible reality. Of course it takes work and effort on both husband and wife, of course - but the point yes it is possible - so do not lose hope my SM Bloggers. It might cost me my marriage - it might cost me a huge loss in income and a downward adjustment on the social scale - but TRUE LOVE that lasts a list time - certainly worth it in my heart and mind. The Psychology Of Loves That Last A Lifetime Link to article here: www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/05/21/psychology-of-lasting-love_n_5339457.html |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jan 15, 2017 10:33:24 GMT -5
This was a great article thanks for sharing it. I'm realizing with my own marriage how much time and effort is needed for a healthy relationship to blossom and grow.
I found this section of the article very interesting
They avoid neediness by preserving their independence. (This is a big one for a healthy marriages from the article.)
|
|
|
|
Post by McRoomMate on Jan 15, 2017 10:38:10 GMT -5
Thanks Heraclitus - After reading all the wisdom and experience on this Forum and my own experience / state of mind - I am terribly skeptical about curing my current SM - but I am even more so quite optimistic for the NEXT LOVE - I think the article really nails it. I am thinking about memorizing the principles and having them applied ASAP to my new relationship with another woman.
|
|
|
|
Post by McRoomMate on Jan 15, 2017 10:42:46 GMT -5
Per the Statistics on Curing SM - it is absolutely abysmal - less than 1% of SM actually turn around - usually just temporary under threat of divorce and so on.
I have also read some real horror stories and COURAGE of those living decades in SM - I have been in one now for about 11 years.
I actually loved her madly when we met.
Ironically, my first marriage where my wife was a psycho and was "shot gun" wedding we had pretty good sex - but her personality was toxic. Now I am just in a SM beyond repair - no intimacy, no kissing, no cuddling, no touch - and I of course think it is all my fault - but she NEVER tries either. So blame game - she will tell you it is 100% my fault - some of it yes but I have exclusivity on the failure? I dont think so.
Sex / Intimacy is the core of a couple of life - unless you are married for reasons other than love - which apparently is obviously the case for me - actually just for the children - that is the ONLY freaking reason honestly I am still here - but I cannot anymore - the time has come to move on.
|
|
|
|
Post by shamwow on Jan 15, 2017 10:51:12 GMT -5
Per the Statistics on Curing SM - it is absolutely abysmal - less than 1% of SM actually turn around - usually just temporary under threat of divorce and so on. I have also read some real horror stories and COURAGE of those living decades in SM - I have been in one now for about 11 years. I actually loved her madly when we met. Ironically, my first marriage where my wife was a psycho and was "shot gun" wedding we had pretty good sex - but her personality was toxic. Now I am just in a SM beyond repair - no intimacy, no kissing, no cuddling, no touch - and I of course think it is all my fault - but she NEVER tries either. So blame game - she will tell you it is 100% my fault - some of it yes but I have exclusivity on the failure? I dont think so. Sex / Intimacy is the core of a couple of life - unless you are married for reasons other than love - which apparently is obviously the case for me - actually just for the children - that is the ONLY freaking reason honestly I am still here - but I cannot anymore - the time has come to move on. It is never exclusively one person's fault for a failed relationship. However, the fault does tend to skew towards the partner who says "not my fault". The louder the yelling, the more the skew. My fucked up (perhaps I should say unfucked up) marriage is both of our fault. Is it sexless by her unilateral choice? Yes. Is it loveless due to the fact she hasn't said "I love you" to me in 13 years? Yes. However, do I completely blow off her birthday, anniversary, etc? You betcha. Did I have the courage to address our issues before they became un-fixable? Nope. Am I perfect? No way. The needle on why our marriage has failed is definitely on her side of the fence, but I've got some of blame too. But it really doesn't matter who's to blame. It is what it is. A failed marriage, and I'm getting out. |
|
|
|
Post by rejected101 on Jan 15, 2017 11:01:31 GMT -5
Per the Statistics on Curing SM - it is absolutely abysmal - less than 1% of SM actually turn around - usually just temporary under threat of divorce and so on. I have also read some real horror stories and COURAGE of those living decades in SM - I have been in one now for about 11 years. I actually loved her madly when we met. Ironically, my first marriage where my wife was a psycho and was "shot gun" wedding we had pretty good sex - but her personality was toxic. Now I am just in a SM beyond repair - no intimacy, no kissing, no cuddling, no touch - and I of course think it is all my fault - but she NEVER tries either. So blame game - she will tell you it is 100% my fault - some of it yes but I have exclusivity on the failure? I dont think so. Sex / Intimacy is the core of a couple of life - unless you are married for reasons other than love - which apparently is obviously the case for me - actually just for the children - that is the ONLY freaking reason honestly I am still here - but I cannot anymore - the time has come to move on. It is never exclusively one person's fault for a failed relationship. However, the fault does tend to skew towards the partner who says "not my fault". The louder the yelling, the more the skew. My fucked up (perhaps I should say unfucked up) marriage is both of our fault. Is it sexless by her unilateral choice? Yes. Is it loveless due to the fact she hasn't said "I love you" to me in 13 years? Yes. However, do I completely blow off her birthday, anniversary, etc? You betcha. Did I have the courage to address our issues before they became un-fixable? Nope. Am I perfect? No way. The needle on why our marriage has failed is definitely on her side of the fence, but I've got some of blame too. But it really doesn't matter who's to blame. It is what it is. A failed marriage, and I'm getting out. Being honest like you have is the best way to begin fixing a broken marriage. Unfortunately it takes 2 people to be this honest before things can improve. |
|
|
|
Post by shamwow on Jan 15, 2017 11:11:42 GMT -5
Yup. Sometimes broken can be repaired. Unfortunately broken is sometimes another word for shattered.
|
|
|
|
Post by McRoomMate on Jan 15, 2017 15:11:23 GMT -5
"Irredeemabla differences" "Shattered" - Beyond repair - I think there is just too much damage too deep for too long in most cases.
I believe those statistics of 0.5% and lower for SM failing to actually succeed despite all the therapists and threats of divorce. I believe it because I lived it and if they are anything like my situation and I suspect from the wide and common symptoms and feelings and circumstances that just get repeated all over these threads.
Stay together because the Church says, or the children say, or to save face in society - yes I suppose if that is worth it from a value point of view. My case is for the children exclusively but it getting unbearable - it is one hell of a sacrifice - one day at a time - death by a million cuts kind of thing. Really.
|
|
|
|
Post by greatcoastal on Jan 15, 2017 15:23:57 GMT -5
"Irredeemabla differences" "Shattered" - Beyond repair - I think there is just too much damage too deep for too long in most cases. I believe those statistics of 0.5% and lower for SM failing to actually succeed despite all the therapists and threats of divorce. I believe it because I lived it and if they are anything like my situation and I suspect from the wide and common symptoms and feelings and circumstances that just get repeated all over these threads. Stay together because the Church says, or the children say, or to save face in society - yes I suppose if that is worth it from a value point of view. My case is for the children exclusively but it getting unbearable - it is one hell of a sacrifice - one day at a time - death by a million cuts kind of thing. Really. One thing that helped me get over the" for the children anchor" was a statement from our therapist, he knows our case better than anyone. He said," the two of you are giving your children a horrible example of what a loving relationship should be like." I probably repeat that to myself daily. It keeps my from digressing back into the, "maybe's". My new HOPE is that the divorce will benefit everyone. The kids, myself, and yes even my STBX. |
|
|
|
Post by baza on Jan 15, 2017 16:13:44 GMT -5
I believe that ILIASM shitholes are NOT the natural order of things out in the wider world.
But, within this group - and the old EP / ILIASM group - ILIASM shitholes ARE the natural order.
In the wider world, marital problems come up all the time. And therapy, counselling, scented candle strategies when applied, work. And the situation is mutually resolved and the partnership moves on, the better for it.
The ones that therapy, counselling, scented candle strategies etc are tried and do NOT work, deteriorate further, and find their way in to this group, the elephant graveyard of dysfunctional marriages.
And in here, reside the arse end of the demographic. The basket cases. The ILIASM shitholes.
That's the reality for the vast majority of members here.
I am sure - in fact positive - that out in the wider world there are wonderful fulfilling and altogether fantastic unions.
But not here.
And "here" is what we've got to deal with.
|
|
|
|
Post by GeekGoddess on Jan 15, 2017 17:53:25 GMT -5
this is a helpful article - I definitely got something out of it. This is the way my marriage had started. I think that "good part" lasted around 5-8 years or so (out of 17 married). Not a terribly bad ratio, I suppose. Like shamwow pointed out: Did I have the courage to address our issues before they became un-fixable? Nope. Me neither. But did I have the gumption to take action after things were un-fixable. Yep. And glad I did, too! |
|
