In despair

A dysfunctional marriage fucks with your head, gets you thinking weird shit, gets you making uninformed choices that feed back in to the loop.

Your self esteem takes a good old thrashing, your sexual persona is stolen from you by degree, your value as a person diminishes, you are likely poisoned by resentment, and all sorts of other relationships with family / friends / kids become coloured by the dysfunctional primary relationship.

The way forward here ain't going to come from him.
It will emanate from you, or it won't emanate at all.

I think your mission needs to be a program of personal development. To bring the best possible version of 'heavyheart'* front and centre.
Perhaps an individual counsellor / mentor might help the authentic you emerge.
Your support network might be able to assist in that process.
Maybe engaging this group could have value.
Might be worth seeing your medico lest you have the start of depression.

You have some monumental choices ahead of you concerning your marriage, and your future.
You need as solid a base as you can construct under your feet, so you are dealing with these issues from a position of empowerment and strength.
And that ain't today.

But, suggestion #1. (A little step. . . which might provoke another step tomorrow)
Lose that "heavyheart" name.
Choose another. . maybe like "alloptionsopen" or something a tad less resigned than your current choice.

And, welcome to the swamp.
We get it.

Hi heavyheart! I'm so glad that you found this forum and hope that coming here can be a positive 1st step for you in shaking up your life. You may feel better reading everyone's stories - I really hope you can gain some comfort knowing that you my dear are not alone. Also, for starters, please know that wanting (expecting) an intimate, sexual relationship with your husband is NORMAL - even with ED. You are an amazingly unique woman - you deserve to be happy.

This x 1000!!! It is not just about sex and it is deeply unfair for him to turn your relationship into a barren wasteland just because he feels whatever he does about his ED.

I heard that you feel you can't leave, but in truth you could and you have no idea what it might look like or what you might come to feel. Not saying you should, but it is one of your options.

And consider this - if your marriage continues as it is then in a few years time you will come to hate each other, and in 10 years just imagine how you will feel. Something fairly radical needs to change. And soon.

Welcome. Sorry that you definitely qualify. My husband had ED and he got a script for Cialis. He wouldn't use it though. I never understood until years later how afraid of the possible side effects he was. Later we found out about his diabetes (which had probably caused the ED). Then later we learned of his prostate cancer (which seems to have a strong link to diabetes from what I can tell, though it's not so much talked about). For that treatment, they took out his prostate, radiated the hell out of him (it was stage 4), and gave his testosterone suppression for 3 years. Just before the end of that 3 years, I found EP (the predecessor to this forum).
I read up on relationships - functional and dysfunctional ones - both on EP and on other sites. I got into a counselor (she was pricey but she was good). I decided I needed to leave. My Ex is 17 years older than me and I was not ready to pronounce my sex life dead.
In the meantime though - after reading and getting my nerve up - I did try to get him to show affection and sexual attention. He agreed and we made out one night. It was pretty awful. And after this mediocre session - his comments should have been kept to himself. He said it was okay, this exploring what I like - even though it did nothing for him. Like it was a 100% favor to me. I was -- devastated, maybe. It made me feel like a laboratory experiment. Demeaned. Dehumanized.
As it all shook out eventually - I had no concept of the shame he had around his own sexuality. When he was functional, it wasn't that bad but it still existed even then. Once he had ED, the shame was 100 times worse - with NO mention of anything like that to me. We had quit communicating a long time back. This "secret" made it that much more of a gulf between us.
He's never had a high opinion of counseling - so he never did go. Not even for the mortality fears related to having a Stage 4 cancer diagnosis.
You cannot fix your husband or force him to change. You can only change yourself and look out for your daughter.
I hope you will consider seeing a therapist to delve into your feelings around this in a one on one environment. By knowing ourselves, then we can find our way forward.
You can leave via divorce. There's only "no point to it" if you make that true. You may not want to - and that's fine. But it IS an option.
I'm sorry you are dealing with such a challenge as this. I hope you will get help in any form you need from all sources available. This forum will hopefully be a source of support and camaraderie for you. We are a great group with TONS of experience in sexless marriage and with fabulous humor to hopefully share the burden and lighten your load (and your heart).

I would like to qualify this and say the issue doesn't stem so much from the ED as from his reaction to ED. So it is possible you might be able to fix the ED and then brush the rest of it under the carpet, but his reaction is entirely selfish and neurotic and you might find it still left a bad taste in your mouth and some lingering resentment even if it became no longer relevant.

Welcome, heavyheart.

I've been in your shoes. I loved my guy very much, but he got so deeply into his own problems that he just didn't have much left for me. Long story short: he developed health problems, our sex life went south; and I just couldn't hold on any longer.

It's one way that hearts break. Sadly, more common than we all used to think.

Although I hate that this happens to anybody - I felt comforted knowing that I was not the only one.