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Post by tamara68 on Jan 13, 2017 17:04:12 GMT -5
nearly 5 months ago I have left my jobless avoiding stupid stubborn stbx. That was a bad situation to leave him in. But if he would have done the right things it would be hard but not impossible. However he managed to turn a bad situation in a hopeless situation. At least, I thing so. He has a different view of course.
He could have started looking for a job, but he didn't and as far as I know he still isn't doing anything. He has wasted nearly all his time on writing angry e-mails to make me feel guilty and to push me to keep paying for everything.
And worst of all is that my daughter is still living with him. She hears constantly how horrible I am.
He also waited till last week to ask for social welfare. Since he is in an emergency situation, he will get a minimum. But not sooner than next month.
He waited until today to get his own lawyer because he thought he knew everything better than anyone else.
I have paid several bills and gave a limited amount of money for my daughter. nearly 5000 euro so far. But that was not enough to cover everything. So I didn't pay the rent for the past 3 months. And on Monday there is a court session about this. The landlord demands to end the contract and a lot of money. Not only the due rent. (It could end up to be around 7 or 8 thousand Euro). This will result in being evicted somewhere in February or March at the latest.
stbx is put on the waiting list for an apartment, but since he didn't ask sooner, it is almost certain that it will not be available in time. That means there is only some emergency housing for homeless people. I don't want that, but what can I do? Or what should I do?
If I had continued paying the rent, he would have waited even longer. So the result would be the same but it would be a few months later.
If I pay the rent now, it is not sure I can postpone the eviction, and if I could postpone it for a month, I am not so sure that would make a big difference.
Most of all I want my daughter to be out of there. So stbx says I am playing a dirty game to get him homeless so that I can force my daughter to live with me. Is he right?
If he would be wiser we could have made normal arrangements where our daughter would divide her time between him and me. He has been making sure that I still have not been able to speak with her since end of August. So isn't he playing a dirty game? Am I right?
A few weeks ago he wrote about wanting to take my daughter away to live with his dad. This week I heard that his dad doesn't want him. (heartless man, he must know that if he doesn't offer any help to his son in need, he won't ever be able to renew contact with his son as well as with his only grandchild.)
So my social contacts avoiding stbx has no one to go to.
Yesterday I have spoken again with a police officer. He has made a report about the situation. Hopefully that will be a reason for the authorities to get my daughter out of there.
I told several things about my marriage to illustrate the situation. I have also told about the sexlessness. The police officer look shocked. "I would not have been able to stay that long", he said.
On Monday I will also speak with a youth care person. Hopefully she can do something too.
I am still doubting about paying one month more rent. I don't think it will make a lot of difference, but maybe it would show a little good will?
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Post by GeekGoddess on Jan 13, 2017 17:24:33 GMT -5
You are not playing a dirty game. With the social support system available, he was completely negligent in not filing for public benefits sooner. To me, this shows he is not thinking like an adult (one that knows how to care for your daughter and support her in being housed). I would ask your lawyer about the eviction. If he does get evicted, maybe the courts or the youth care person can intercede and say that your daughter can't go to the homeless shelter because you are there willing to have her come to your place. So that would get her out of his grasp and he would just have to figure it out for himself. In US, when filing for unemployment payments, the applicant must show good will by applying to at least 3 eligible jobs per week. In this case, without any proof he had tried for jobs, the government would not send him any funds for that (though he may still qualify for housing and possibly some food stamps).
Still - I think the police officer's response is supportive!
HE is playing a dirty game and he has been since he lost his last job and did NOTHING that a normal healthy adult would do to take care of himself (not to mention the dependant daughter).
Don't let your self-doubt rule you so much - You are a healthy and responsible person trying to do the right thing in a terrible situation that was not of your making. He is a ruthless schmuck!
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Post by tamara68 on Jan 13, 2017 17:34:53 GMT -5
GeekGoddess there are several parties now who know about the situation. The police officer is pulling strings to make sure my daughter is going to live with me. Court is informed and youth care is probably the first to act now. If they agree that there is a problem, they must do something now.
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Post by obobfla on Jan 13, 2017 18:06:42 GMT -5
I would consider you a very good guy, tamara68! Here is a man who says nothing is wrong with him, yet he refuses to either get work or waits until the last minute to ask for public assistance to provide for himself and his daughter. Then, he blames it on you! It's not your fault - it's all his fault. I cannot think of a court that would allow that man custody of a child, but then again I have heard some crazy court decisions. I would talk to your lawyer about your responsibility for rent. Not sure of the lease terms or Belgian housing laws, but here you may be liable for part of the rent if your name is on the lease. Also ask about financial separation so that his debts are not yours. As for your daughter, I seriously wonder how a teenage girl tolerates a stubborn man with OCD, father or not. There is some serious resentment, guilt, or both building up in that girl. I see it in my son towards my wife, and my wife is not half as bad as your husband. She does not play victim or martyr like your husband does. Maybe he is trying to be canonized a saint? If that's the case, he has to be dead and there has to be proof of miracles first. |
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Post by tamara68 on Jan 13, 2017 18:41:12 GMT -5
obobfla He can make his way of thinking sound logical. Especially when you are hearing that over and over again. My daughter thinks he is a bit annoying at the most. At least she doesn't show resentment towards him yet. She does seem to resent me. At the moment. I hope that will be only a matter of time. In her place I think I would be mad too. For her it simply looks like I want her and her dad on the street. And her dad will be telling that to her all the time. I have spoken with my lawyer about the rent several times. Until the judge has made a decision (due in February) on how much or how little I have to pay to my stbx, we are both responsible for the finances. I will have to pay the rent. Together with all the other costs that will be a considerable amount, but thanks to my mother's inheritance I can afford it. It is worth my freedom, but I hope there will be some money left in the end for nicer purposes. As for the Saint part, he may not be dead yet, but there is no sign of life either.
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Post by baza on Jan 13, 2017 22:27:10 GMT -5
Your spouse is a P.A. idiot.
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He has precipitated this whole fuck up himself, from the get go, and is on the brink of wearing the full consequences of his own idiocy.
And, unsurprisingly, he doesn't like it too much.
The fact that he managed to draw your daughter in to the fuck up he alone created is despicable.
There are lessons for her to learn out of all this as well.
Hopefully, under your guidance, she will learn them.
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In the broadest of terms, it is you who wants to bring this situation to resolution.
That is an honest and honourable thing to be doing.
And, if you have to adopt some harsh tactics short term to facilitate this resolution of the situation, then that is what you need to do.
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A spell sleeping rough for him will surely bring this deal to resolution.
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I'd be paying NOTHING involving his debts.
That is the big stick you hold to bring him to the resolution table.
Belt him over the head with the financial stick as often as you need to.
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Post by tamara68 on Jan 14, 2017 17:11:18 GMT -5
baza he is an idiot absolutely. But I still feel sorry for him. I hope the judge won't let my daughter stay with him. I wish it was easier for all of us.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 30, 2017 12:03:04 GMT -5
baza he is an idiot absolutely. But I still feel sorry for him. I hope the judge won't let my daughter stay with him. I wish it was easier for all of us. He is beyond an idiot. He is an irresponsible asshole. He is an adult who refuses to get a job or seek public assistance. Your daughter can live with you if he loses the apartment. It is not your nightmare any more. |
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Post by eternaloptimism on Jan 30, 2017 12:56:13 GMT -5
How is it with your daughter just now tamara68 . I know you felt like he was influencing everything she said. Is that still happening? X |
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Post by tamara68 on Jan 30, 2017 13:26:17 GMT -5
How is it with your daughter just now tamara68 . I know you felt like he was influencing everything she said. Is that still happening? X Yes it is. Stbx says he asked her if she wanted to call me but she didn't according to him. I think she wants to avoid everything and knows perfectly well that he wouldn't like it if she wanted to speak or be with me. |
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Post by tamara68 on Jan 30, 2017 13:33:42 GMT -5
baza he is an idiot absolutely. But I still feel sorry for him. I hope the judge won't let my daughter stay with him. I wish it was easier for all of us. He is beyond an idiot. He is an irresponsible asshole. He is an adult who refuses to get a job or seek public assistance. Your daughter can live with you if he loses the apartment. It is not your nightmare any more. At the moment he still is my nightmare. And he has made some big accusations about me in the statement that is sent to court. He did finally got his own lawyer and he has requested assistance for money and housing but he doesn't have a right for support (yet) because we have not lived here long enough to qualify. However, I think he will get something if necessary. He did receive food coupons. I hope my daughter will come to live with me, but if the judge believes only half of what stbx says, they won't find either of us suitable as her parents. |
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Post by eternaloptimism on Jan 30, 2017 13:54:44 GMT -5
It's so nice to see how you understand the situation though tamara68. It's too easy to melt down in pool of hopeless misery in times like these. (we all need to allow ourselves a tiny dose of wallowing though....just tiny!) But you have clarity on this. You see what he's doing, and the courts will too. You are in control of what you can be. You. It will all come good for you and your girl in the end. I feel it xxx |
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Post by tamara68 on Jan 30, 2017 15:42:45 GMT -5
eternaloptimism, I hope you are right.  I can only do my best and try to make a good impression. I think they see how he is, but they might see me as totally mad also...
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Post by Deleted on Jan 30, 2017 15:59:24 GMT -5
At the moment he still is my nightmare. And he has made some big accusations about me in the statement that is sent to court. He did finally got his own lawyer and he has requested assistance for money and housing but he doesn't have a right for support (yet) because we have not lived here long enough to qualify. However, I think he will get something if necessary. He did receive food coupons. I hope my daughter will come to live with me, but if the judge believes only half of what stbx says, they won't find either of us suitable as her parents. I am so sorry. I meant that you are not having to support him now. But don't be too sure about custody. Since you are the only working spouse, I would think that the judge would find you are more likely to be able to support her. Isn't she in her late teens? |
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Post by tamara68 on Jan 30, 2017 16:14:20 GMT -5
At the moment he still is my nightmare. And he has made some big accusations about me in the statement that is sent to court. He did finally got his own lawyer and he has requested assistance for money and housing but he doesn't have a right for support (yet) because we have not lived here long enough to qualify. However, I think he will get something if necessary. He did receive food coupons. I hope my daughter will come to live with me, but if the judge believes only half of what stbx says, they won't find either of us suitable as her parents. I am so sorry. I meant that you are not having to support him now. But don't be too sure about custody. Since you are the only working spouse, I would think that the judge would find you are more likely to be able to support her. Isn't she in her late teens? yes I expect that I will have to pay some support to him. Hopefully not as much as stbx is demanding. I have to support my daughter for sure, that is just a matter of a decision on how much exactly I have to pay. For hubby is not sure. But his situation is pretty bad, I guess that will help him in terms of getting support. My daughter is nearly 16. The police officer with whom I have spoken is very much in favor of me getting full custody. But the way I am being portrayed doesn't make me look good. Normally stbx would have a big chance on getting custody because that is what my daughter says she wants. But there is a lot that is not very good for him now. And especially when he will lose his house, my daughter simply has to live somewhere else. |
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