Cass
Junior Member
Posts: 22 
Age Range: 31-35
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Post by Cass on Jan 13, 2017 12:32:03 GMT -5
Okay, so I am new here. I am actually relieved I have found this site. Not happy that there are so many who suffer with this issue, but glad that I am not alone. I thought that I would share my story with the group.
So me and my SO have been together for 9 years now. I am 33, he 41. For the most part we get a long great, we do everything together and are best friends. When it comes to intimacy we are complete strangers. When we first got together, for the first couple of years the sex was great. There wasn't any issues at all, at least that I saw. As time went on I noticed a pattern, he would never initiate it was always me. And it usually never happened unless there was some whining involved. Then it started that we wouldn't have sex unless he had been drinking. We now have not had sex in three years and the last handful of times before the complete stop were when he was drunk. I have brought it up numerous times over the years and asked him if he was cheating, not attracted to me anymore, etc., etc., etc. He always denied there was an issue, but it was because we are "so busy" and "live too busy of lives" and that he is too tired all the time. I have asked him to go to the doctor and see if there was a medical reason for his lack of sex drive. He never went. Now the whole issue has begun to affect my mental well being. I feel poorly about myself, not that I have ever had stellar self esteem, but now I feel even worse about myself. I am depressed and I know that most of stems from how he inadvertently makes me feel about myself. I have bit my tongue for a long time and just not said anything because there is always bigger issues in his life and I don't want to add to it. At first his step father was battling cancer and then he passed away, then his mother was ill, then his aunt was ill and then she passed away, there are problems with his young adult daughter, etc. etc. There is ALWAYS something going on and if I bring up any mention of my feelings and my well being, he gets pissed, because how dare I have feelings? And how dare I bring this up NOW, when A B or C is happening.
I lost my shit last weekend and I broke down and told him I was done. That either this platonic relationship changes or I was out. He had been drinking, per usual, and said I was a bitch and he was leaving anyway because I am so inconsiderate that I would bring this up while his mother is in the hospital (again). He said I was trying to use his mother's ill health and his stressed out mental state in order to get some emotional response from him and use him for sex. Seriously? Why would that even be my intention? I just wanted him to be fully aware of the road our relationship has gone down. Then the next day he chilled the hell out and said he wanted to work on things. Here we are a week later, same shit. The most affection I get from him is a quick kiss on my way out the door for work, that is all it has been for three years. I want out but I have crushing student loan debt. I could never make it without his help and he knows this. I am slowly making moves to get out because I think we are at an impasse. He insists he loves me and everything he does is for me but I cannot seem to make him understand that the physical aspect of a relationship is just as important as the rest. He thinks that because he is content in a sexless relationship that I should be as well, he doesn't understand why I want affection. So there it is.
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Post by bballgirl on Jan 13, 2017 12:45:35 GMT -5
So sorry that you have found yourself here.
Stay strong. Read a lot and focus on yourself and what you want for yourself.
Three years of no sex at all is a tough place to bounce back from and work on it.
What I heard him saying and doing was giving you excuses not reasons why he won't have sex with you but please understand that it has nothing to do with you, it's his problem and try not to tie your self esteem to his broke dick actions.
I also heard him deflecting blame to you which is very wrong and manipulative.
There is something not right with him and who cares what his problem is. Find a way to get out if that will make you happy.
Read a lot here the support helps and we're a fun bunch too!
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endthegame
Junior Member
Posts: 96 
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by endthegame on Jan 13, 2017 12:45:44 GMT -5
So, take the bulk of text out of what you wrote and it ends up with this:
You - I want a closer more fulfilling relationship with you, mthis own husband, this includes both the emotional and physical.
Him - No. It's your fault.
You - If it doesn't change we are done.
Him - I'll change and work at it.
Fuck all changes.
If you read a few stories on here, or 100, or 1000 you will see this pattern repeat itself. The words all differ but when you pick things apart they are all the same.
Sorry, it sucks.
Incidentally, google DARVO. Deny Attack Reverse Victim Offender.
This again is typical refuser behaviour. "It's all your fault!" Which is of course BS
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Post by lakeside4003 on Jan 13, 2017 13:20:34 GMT -5
stay strong, especially when you know you're the one trying to resolve a very important dynamic in a more positive way.
this group is wonderful for the support and understanding, stay with us through this! also, as bballgirl says, we try to make it less depressing than it is (and we're good at that!)
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Post by eternaloptimism on Jan 13, 2017 13:29:39 GMT -5
Hi Cass  Get a comfy chair, a massive brew, tissues and biscuits and read the shit out of the posts here. THE PROBLEM ISNT YOU. You do deserve a happy intimate life. He can't enforce celibacy on you. I'm sure you would have never married him if that was the deal. I hope you find comfort and strength here. It's really a brilliant place. Xxx |
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Cass
Junior Member
Posts: 22
Age Range: 31-35
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Post by Cass on Jan 13, 2017 13:45:35 GMT -5
I have been reading posts on this site all morning, I love all the encouraging advice.
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Post by rejected101 on Jan 13, 2017 15:13:11 GMT -5
My story is similar to yours. We get on great as a couple which makes the lack of sex even more frustrating in some respects (because lack of connection can't really be blamed). There is however a big difference between you and I. My wife will still have sex with me. Usually because she fancies a bonk and not much more. You have mentioned 3 years without sex. At your age I'm sorry to say I would definitely have ended or cheated at 1 year without. It's not because I am sex crazed, not because I demand to be in control but simply that to me, sex is a healthy and positive part of a relationship. Unless there is a medical reason that he has that can be treated and has a light at the end of the tunnel, I would be gone. Credit to you for staying so strong for so long!
I would hazard a guess that he masturbates and therefore maybe it's together sex that he's not fussed with and prefers to have sex on his own. If that is the case I'm sorry to say it will be difficult to change.
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Cass
Junior Member
Posts: 22
Age Range: 31-35
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Post by Cass on Jan 13, 2017 16:04:11 GMT -5
My story is similar to yours. We get on great as a couple which makes the lack of sex even more frustrating in some respects (because lack of connection can't really be blamed). There is however a big difference between you and I. My wife will still have sex with me. Usually because she fancies a bonk and not much more. You have mentioned 3 years without sex. At your age I'm sorry to say I would definitely have ended or cheated at 1 year without. It's not because I am sex crazed, not because I demand to be in control but simply that to me, sex is a healthy and positive part of a relationship. Unless there is a medical reason that he has that can be treated and has a light at the end of the tunnel, I would be gone. Credit to you for staying so strong for so long! I would hazard a guess that he masturbates and therefore maybe it's together sex that he's not fussed with and prefers to have sex on his own. If that is the case I'm sorry to say it will be difficult to change. Yeah, I am definitely at the end of my rope. We get along wonderfully, when he isn't drinking, which does make it harder. If we fought like cats and dogs on a regular basis it would be a lot easier. I was so pre-occupied with college so for the first while so I just let it be, but now I am waking up to the realization that I am being suffocated in this relationship. He wants to be with me but doesn't want to BE with me. I am not getting any younger and I feel like I have wasted too much time already. |
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Post by baza on Jan 13, 2017 16:17:26 GMT -5
This bit in your story stands out to me, where you say - "I know that most of stems from how he inadvertently makes me feel about myself".
In the wider context of your story, there does not seem to be anything "inadvertent" about it.
It reads as being quite deliberate and calculated.
If you want to get - and keep - someone under your thumb, it is imperative that you shred their self esteem, and keep it shredded. If you can also apply the fiscal handcuffs, so much the better.
It would be smart for you to see a lawyer in your jurisdiction to find out exactly how a divorce (or split - you refer to him as your SO) would shake out for you. Then, you could make a fully informed choice concerning staying with this prick, or not.
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Cass
Junior Member
Posts: 22
Age Range: 31-35
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Post by Cass on Jan 13, 2017 16:28:11 GMT -5
This bit in your story stands out to me, where you say - "I know that most of stems from how he inadvertently makes me feel about myself". In the wider context of your story, there does not seem to be anything "inadvertent" about it. It reads as being quite deliberate and calculated. If you want to get - and keep - someone under your thumb, it is imperative that you shred their self esteem, and keep it shredded. If you can also apply the fiscal handcuffs, so much the better. It would be smart for you to see a lawyer in your jurisdiction to find out exactly how a divorce (or split - you refer to him as your SO) would shake out for you. Then, you could make a fully informed choice concerning staying with this prick, or not. Agreed. The state I live in recognizes common law marriages after so many years and we have filed our taxes for the last couple of years together, so I guess technically we are "married". All of the above was just another calculated move on his part to tie me down for his financial benefit but not have to actually make a real commitment to ME. I never got the romantic proposal, a wedding or any of the romantic shit that usually comes along with the above. I feel so cheated, not that I am a the type of girl who fantasized about a big fancy wedding, but some sort of romantic gesture would have been nice. Rather than, here sign your taxes and now your fucked. |
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Post by rejected101 on Jan 13, 2017 18:07:22 GMT -5
My story is similar to yours. We get on great as a couple which makes the lack of sex even more frustrating in some respects (because lack of connection can't really be blamed). There is however a big difference between you and I. My wife will still have sex with me. Usually because she fancies a bonk and not much more. You have mentioned 3 years without sex. At your age I'm sorry to say I would definitely have ended or cheated at 1 year without. It's not because I am sex crazed, not because I demand to be in control but simply that to me, sex is a healthy and positive part of a relationship. Unless there is a medical reason that he has that can be treated and has a light at the end of the tunnel, I would be gone. Credit to you for staying so strong for so long! I would hazard a guess that he masturbates and therefore maybe it's together sex that he's not fussed with and prefers to have sex on his own. If that is the case I'm sorry to say it will be difficult to change. Yeah, I am definitely at the end of my rope. We get along wonderfully, when he isn't drinking, which does make it harder. If we fought like cats and dogs on a regular basis it would be a lot easier. I was so pre-occupied with college so for the first while so I just let it be, but now I am waking up to the realization that I am being suffocated in this relationship. He wants to be with me but doesn't want to BE with me. I am not getting any younger and I feel like I have wasted too much time already. Very difficult to stay faithful under such conditions! |
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Post by lyn on Jan 13, 2017 18:39:15 GMT -5
Welcome Cass- you, my dear, still have youth on your side, and a life to live without this drunk, abusive prick. Yes, abusive. He may not beat you, but he is demoralizing you to put it lightly. And I'm sorry to say, but, if anyone called me a Bitch? Well, I wouldn't call them my friend, let alone, 'best friend'. Sorry if I'm sounding harsh - I just know that my 30's were WASTED in a situation very similar to yours. Please don't wake up at 40 and wonder where the time went. It goes by lightening FAST!! It takes guts to even google "sexless marriage" - kudos to you for doing that, finding this forum, and putting yourself out there - like you've done by posting. |
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Post by unmatched on Jan 13, 2017 22:19:26 GMT -5
I agree with everyone else here, it is abusive and bullying. It doesn't count as 'getting on wonderfully' if you are not allowed to have emotions and your needs are not important to him.
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Post by beachguy on Jan 14, 2017 11:30:02 GMT -5
Hi Cass, I'm sorry you are in this place with us.
You view sex and intimacy as a bonding experience. He views it as a chore.
You have strong sexual desire, he simply does not. At least not for partnered sex. With you.
You are invigorated when you have good sex. It bonds you to him. He finds it a draining experience because he gets nothing from it.
For you sex is just part of that mystical bonding experience. For him, at best, it's just sex. He put up with it for a couple of years, in the beginning, to please you. But from his perspective, your incessant demands have turned his "meh" attitude toward sex into resentment. There is a reason you were always the one initiating sex. He was just going along for the ride.
He resents you as much as you resent him, for opposite reasons. You are increasingly resentful for his neglecting you, he is increasingly resentful for your incessant demands.
(from my perspective your demands are not incessant, they are quite legitimate but I am presenting his point of view, a view I don't find very valid or reasonable either)
You have as much chance of turning him into a sexual person as he does turning you into an asexual person finding no value whatsoever in partnered sex and intimacy.
You are mutually incompatible with each other. And the "rules of engagement" demand that the sexual partner always loses. Any "compromises" always lead to a lifetime of celibacy.
Since you cannot change him, you can only choose to stay or leave. I stayed for 30 years. For me it was a terrible mistake. I wish I had gotten out at 33 instead of almost 60, when my life is basically over regardless.
I hope you choose wisely.
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Cass
Junior Member
Posts: 22
Age Range: 31-35
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Post by Cass on Jan 17, 2017 11:52:24 GMT -5
I appreciated everyone's viewpoints. You all make very valid points that are so very true. I am working on my next moves I feel like I have so much to figure out, I started with applying for some jobs that hopefully pay more than what I am making. That is step one, move towards being financially stable without him. I am absolutely drained and am so sick of my life being dictated by someone else, I am just biding my time until I can formulate a solid exit plan.
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