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Post by Deleted on Jan 12, 2017 14:40:39 GMT -5
Hello to everyone here on ILIASM. I've been in a sexless marriage for many years. It's something that only two relatives know about. However, it's been a long time since I talked to either one of them about my situation and don't believe I ever will. It was mostly out of sheer desperation that I shared anything about my situation with them. I've not had anyone to share my thoughts, feelings, or experiences with; and that has created a lot of anxiety for me. So I'm hoping to connect with members on here that know first hand what it's like to be in a sexless marriage.
I've been married for 25 years. Dated her for several years prior to that. I was always the one with the high libido. In retrospect, there was only one time (during our marriage) when I can recall her expressing a strong urge to have sex. It was no doubt due to a hormonal spike that seemed to last briefly. Shortly after that, she became pregnant with our first and only child. I eventually came to the conclusion that she never really had a sex drive, prior to or after that experience. She expressed to me one day that sex to her was something that you 'do' when you're married. Duty sex. Simply put, we weren't having sex for the same reasons. We weren't experiencing it in the same way. I never realized how dysfunctional our sex life was until then. The more I thought about it, the more turned off I became about the whole situation. Eventually, I didn't care anymore to have sex with someone that was just 'doing' something for me. I don't know why I never realized it since I've been in other relationships before and I knew that sex and intimacy was a whole different experience when the desire for both was mutual.
To make a long story short, we're both fully aware of the current situation. It's not really a marriage. The word marriage connotes a mutual meeting of mind, body, and soul. That's not what we experience. The fact is that essential needs are not being met and that eventually something is going to have to change in order for those needs to be met.
Just want to let you know that it took me forever to put these words down. So many of you express yourselves so eloquently and in a seemingly effortless manner. I appreciate your words and find them to be very supportive. I hope to be supportive in any way that I can possibly be.
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Post by bballgirl on Jan 12, 2017 14:57:14 GMT -5
Welcome to the club that nobody ever dreamed they'd be in.
This is a great support group full of helpful and fun folks.
Read a lot on here and in time the words will come out for you effortlessly as well. When I first joined EP ILIASM I was a lurker for a couple of years before I got my story out and then it took me some time to be comfortable to lend support as well but I got there.
The most important thing is to read a lot and figure out what you want for your life. Something that struck me in your post was where you wrote that you each perceive the sexual experience differently. That shows a basic incompatibility at a fundamental level. Welcome!
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Post by LITW on Jan 12, 2017 14:59:27 GMT -5
Welcome, you will find many sympathetic ears and like minds here.
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Post by novembercomingfire on Jan 12, 2017 15:24:50 GMT -5
Hello to everyone here on ILIASM. I've been in a sexless marriage for many years. It's something that only two relatives know about. However, it's been a long time since I talked to either one of them about my situation and don't believe I ever will. It was mostly out of sheer desperation that I shared anything about my situation with them. I've not had anyone to share my thoughts, feelings, or experiences with; and that has created a lot of anxiety for me. So I'm hoping to connect with members on here that know first hand what it's like to be in a sexless marriage. I've been married for 25 years. Dated her for several years prior to that. I was always the one with the high libido. In retrospect, there was only one time (during our marriage) when I can recall her expressing a strong urge to have sex. It was no doubt due to a hormonal spike that seemed to last briefly. Shortly after that, she became pregnant with our first and only child. I eventually came to the conclusion that she never really had a sex drive, prior to or after that experience. She expressed to me one day that sex to her was something that you 'do' when you're married. Duty sex. Simply put, we weren't having sex for the same reasons. We weren't experiencing it in the same way. I never realized how dysfunctional our sex life was until then. The more I thought about it, the more turned off I became about the whole situation. Eventually, I didn't care anymore to have sex with someone that was just 'doing' something for me. I don't know why I never realized it since I've been in other relationships before and I knew that sex and intimacy was a whole different experience when the desire for both was mutual. To make a long story short, we're both fully aware of the current situation. It's not really a marriage. The word marriage connotes a mutual meeting of mind, body, and soul. That's not what we experience. The fact is that essential needs are not being met and that eventually something is going to have to change in order for those needs to be met. Just want to let you know that it took me forever to put these words down. So many of you express yourselves so eloquently and in a seemingly effortless manner. I appreciate your words and find them to be very supportive. I hope to be supportive in any way that I can possibly be. Don't sell yourself short. I thought that was quite well written. |
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Post by Deleted on Jan 12, 2017 16:22:03 GMT -5
Welcome to the club that nobody ever dreamed they'd be in. This is a great support group full of helpful and fun folks. Read a lot on here and in time the words will come out for you effortlessly as well. When I first joined EP ILIASM I was a lurker for a couple of years before I got my story out and then it took me some time to be comfortable to lend support as well but I got there. The most important thing is to read a lot and figure out what you want for your life. Something that struck me in your post was where you wrote that you each perceive the sexual experience differently. That shows a basic incompatibility at a fundamental level. Welcome! Thank you for the warm welcome! I feel supported already. I've been doing a lot of reading. So much so, that I have difficulty remembering who wrote what. I figure that I'll eventually get who & what sorted out by re-reading. Something that I won't mind doing. That will be the easy part compared to sorting out everything else that's going on (or not going on) in my life. It's been feeling like a total mess lately. OK, not lately, but for some time now. From what I've read, I realize that others have it worse. But there's a lot of different bad out there. It's all relative, I suppose. And yeah, you're right. My spouse and I are fundamentally incompatible in that respect. Looking forward to sharing more. |
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Post by Deleted on Jan 12, 2017 16:25:11 GMT -5
Welcome, you will find many sympathetic ears and like minds here. Thanks. I'll need as many of those as I can possibly find here. You've got my ears. Don't know if my mind will do you any good though. |
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Post by Deleted on Jan 12, 2017 16:32:15 GMT -5
Hello to everyone here on ILIASM. I've been in a sexless marriage for many years. It's something that only two relatives know about. However, it's been a long time since I talked to either one of them about my situation and don't believe I ever will. It was mostly out of sheer desperation that I shared anything about my situation with them. I've not had anyone to share my thoughts, feelings, or experiences with; and that has created a lot of anxiety for me. So I'm hoping to connect with members on here that know first hand what it's like to be in a sexless marriage. I've been married for 25 years. Dated her for several years prior to that. I was always the one with the high libido. In retrospect, there was only one time (during our marriage) when I can recall her expressing a strong urge to have sex. It was no doubt due to a hormonal spike that seemed to last briefly. Shortly after that, she became pregnant with our first and only child. I eventually came to the conclusion that she never really had a sex drive, prior to or after that experience. She expressed to me one day that sex to her was something that you 'do' when you're married. Duty sex. Simply put, we weren't having sex for the same reasons. We weren't experiencing it in the same way. I never realized how dysfunctional our sex life was until then. The more I thought about it, the more turned off I became about the whole situation. Eventually, I didn't care anymore to have sex with someone that was just 'doing' something for me. I don't know why I never realized it since I've been in other relationships before and I knew that sex and intimacy was a whole different experience when the desire for both was mutual. To make a long story short, we're both fully aware of the current situation. It's not really a marriage. The word marriage connotes a mutual meeting of mind, body, and soul. That's not what we experience. The fact is that essential needs are not being met and that eventually something is going to have to change in order for those needs to be met. Just want to let you know that it took me forever to put these words down. So many of you express yourselves so eloquently and in a seemingly effortless manner. I appreciate your words and find them to be very supportive. I hope to be supportive in any way that I can possibly be. Don't sell yourself short. I thought that was quite well written. Selling myself short seems to be my expertise these days. Thanks for the compliment. Thank goodness for spellcheck and a tapped out delete button that pops off every once in a while. |
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Post by unmatched on Jan 12, 2017 21:38:37 GMT -5
Hello to everyone here on ILIASM. I've been in a sexless marriage for many years. It's something that only two relatives know about. However, it's been a long time since I talked to either one of them about my situation and don't believe I ever will. It was mostly out of sheer desperation that I shared anything about my situation with them. I've not had anyone to share my thoughts, feelings, or experiences with; and that has created a lot of anxiety for me. So I'm hoping to connect with members on here that know first hand what it's like to be in a sexless marriage. I've been married for 25 years. Dated her for several years prior to that. I was always the one with the high libido. In retrospect, there was only one time (during our marriage) when I can recall her expressing a strong urge to have sex. It was no doubt due to a hormonal spike that seemed to last briefly. Shortly after that, she became pregnant with our first and only child. I eventually came to the conclusion that she never really had a sex drive, prior to or after that experience. She expressed to me one day that sex to her was something that you 'do' when you're married. Duty sex. Simply put, we weren't having sex for the same reasons. We weren't experiencing it in the same way. I never realized how dysfunctional our sex life was until then. The more I thought about it, the more turned off I became about the whole situation. Eventually, I didn't care anymore to have sex with someone that was just 'doing' something for me. I don't know why I never realized it since I've been in other relationships before and I knew that sex and intimacy was a whole different experience when the desire for both was mutual. To make a long story short, we're both fully aware of the current situation. It's not really a marriage. The word marriage connotes a mutual meeting of mind, body, and soul. That's not what we experience. The fact is that essential needs are not being met and that eventually something is going to have to change in order for those needs to be met. Just want to let you know that it took me forever to put these words down. So many of you express yourselves so eloquently and in a seemingly effortless manner. I appreciate your words and find them to be very supportive. I hope to be supportive in any way that I can possibly be. I have to agree with everyone, I thought this was pretty eloquent! So what next? If you are both aware that your needs are not being met is this something you are talking about? |
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Post by baza on Jan 12, 2017 23:02:48 GMT -5
Well Brother inmydreams, this statement - "To make a long story short, we're both fully aware of the current situation." - puts you way out ahead of the pack.
Usually, the refused spouse is sort of dimly aware that something ain't kosher in their deal, and the refuser is invariably quite happy with the dysfunctional situation.
But if both you and your missus are both "fully aware of the current situation" then that is surely a great segue into a brutally honest discussion about what comes next.
Do *you* have a position on what you see as what comes next ?
Does your missus ??
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Post by Deleted on Jan 15, 2017 2:47:23 GMT -5
Howdy, @inmydreams . I'm new here too (just a few weeks) but I've been surprised how many new members have joined since me. 20% of marriages, they say. Sorry you're here, but hey, might as well join in the conversation while you are here! Hi, Earthhorse What is it that they say? Oh, yeah ... Misery loves company. Enjoy the company. |
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Post by Deleted on Jan 15, 2017 3:00:40 GMT -5
Well Brother inmydreams, this statement - "To make a long story short, we're both fully aware of the current situation." - puts you way out ahead of the pack. Usually, the refused spouse is sort of dimly aware that something ain't kosher in their deal, and the refuser is invariably quite happy with the dysfunctional situation. But if both you and your missus are both "fully aware of the current situation" then that is surely a great segue into a brutally honest discussion about what comes next. Do *you* have a position on what you see as what comes next ? Does your missus ?? Hello, Baza. Thank you for responding to my post. I appreciate your input. I posted something new. Hoping that I've answered your questions in that one. |
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Post by Deleted on Jan 15, 2017 3:06:56 GMT -5
Hello to everyone here on ILIASM. I've been in a sexless marriage for many years. It's something that only two relatives know about. However, it's been a long time since I talked to either one of them about my situation and don't believe I ever will. It was mostly out of sheer desperation that I shared anything about my situation with them. I've not had anyone to share my thoughts, feelings, or experiences with; and that has created a lot of anxiety for me. So I'm hoping to connect with members on here that know first hand what it's like to be in a sexless marriage. I've been married for 25 years. Dated her for several years prior to that. I was always the one with the high libido. In retrospect, there was only one time (during our marriage) when I can recall her expressing a strong urge to have sex. It was no doubt due to a hormonal spike that seemed to last briefly. Shortly after that, she became pregnant with our first and only child. I eventually came to the conclusion that she never really had a sex drive, prior to or after that experience. She expressed to me one day that sex to her was something that you 'do' when you're married. Duty sex. Simply put, we weren't having sex for the same reasons. We weren't experiencing it in the same way. I never realized how dysfunctional our sex life was until then. The more I thought about it, the more turned off I became about the whole situation. Eventually, I didn't care anymore to have sex with someone that was just 'doing' something for me. I don't know why I never realized it since I've been in other relationships before and I knew that sex and intimacy was a whole different experience when the desire for both was mutual. To make a long story short, we're both fully aware of the current situation. It's not really a marriage. The word marriage connotes a mutual meeting of mind, body, and soul. That's not what we experience. The fact is that essential needs are not being met and that eventually something is going to have to change in order for those needs to be met. Just want to let you know that it took me forever to put these words down. So many of you express yourselves so eloquently and in a seemingly effortless manner. I appreciate your words and find them to be very supportive. I hope to be supportive in any way that I can possibly be. I have to agree with everyone, I thought this was pretty eloquent! So what next? If you are both aware that your needs are not being met is this something you are talking about? Hi, Unmatched. Thanks for the compliment. What next? Better things, I hope. Posted something new. Perhaps a bit TMI. But it felt good to get it all out there. |
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