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Post by Dreamr4140 on Jan 12, 2017 2:39:16 GMT -5
I, like many of you suffer from lack of sex and intimacy in my marriage. I've been together with my husband for six years, married for 3. Sex has always been a concern. Last week after reaching total frustration... being forgotten, confused, and frustration yet again, I decided to search and stumbled across this sight. I had no idea there was such a thing as a SM, and I was really surprised to see that females were suffering right along with males. It has been a lonely, shameful lifeI have lived and reading all the posts have empowered me, shocked me, and frightened me. I was addicted immediately to reading the posts as they all relate to what I'm going through. I feel so validated in my frustrations and loneliness. I have approached my H many times, but empty promises and short periods of effort soon dwindled back to square 1. I took a leap after just 2 days of reading posts and had "the talk".. asked my husband for a change in the relationship in the area of intimacy. I guess after all the empty promises he had nothing to say. I suggested many things.., separating bedrooms, counseling, I even mentioned an open marriage.... with that he got furious and left the house. He snuck back later to retrieve several items, packed a bag and was gone. I haven't heard from him since. He's done this once before and I told him he better think twice before abondoning his family because it will absolutely not be tolerated again. I have shut down credit cards and banking accounts to protect myself. I want to feel loved, touched, and valued... just thought I would seek some words of wisdom from you all.
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Post by unmatched on Jan 12, 2017 2:48:49 GMT -5
I am so sorry it has come to this. He sounds like a petulant teenager having a hissy fit, hoping he can distract attention from what you are trying to talk to him about. Stand your ground and if he wants to come back, make him have the conversation first. And make sure you are happy with the result  . If he really would rather leave than have to talk about your sex life, you know for sure that you were never going to have one! |
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Post by rejected101 on Jan 12, 2017 2:58:53 GMT -5
I, like many of you suffer from lack of sex and intimacy in my marriage. I've been together with my husband for six years, married for 3. Sex has always been a concern. Last week after reaching total frustration... being forgotten, confused, and frustration yet again, I decided to search and stumbled across this sight. I had no idea there was such a thing as a SM, and I was really surprised to see that females were suffering right along with males. It has been a lonely, shameful lifeI have lived and reading all the posts have empowered me, shocked me, and frightened me. I was addicted immediately to reading the posts as they all relate to what I'm going through. I feel so validated in my frustrations and loneliness. I have approached my H many times, but empty promises and short periods of effort soon dwindled back to square 1. I took a leap after just 2 days of reading posts and had "the talk".. asked my husband for a change in the relationship in the area of intimacy. I guess after all the empty promises he had nothing to say. I suggested many things.., separating bedrooms, counseling, I even mentioned an open marriage.... with that he got furious and left the house. He snuck back later to retrieve several items, packed a bag and was gone. I haven't heard from him since. He's done this once before and I told him he better think twice before abondoning his family because it will absolutely not be tolerated again. I have shut down credit cards and banking accounts to protect myself. I want to feel loved, touched, and valued... just thought I would seek some words of wisdom from you all. Well you have done well to address the issue as it takes guts. I don't want to dishearten you but from this moment on, expect your partner to respond negatively if you ever mention your sex life or lack of again! My wife used the classic 'all you ever think about is sex' line whenever I tried to converse with her after it had first been discussed. Don't do what I did and start feeling guilty about comments like that. You have a right to be happy too! I've realised something since I first addressed it with her which is that marriages are about 2 people not 1. |
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Post by baza on Jan 12, 2017 3:35:47 GMT -5
OK, you've told him - "I told him he better think twice before abondoning his family because it will absolutely not be tolerated again". But most importantly, you also acted by "shutting down credit cards and banking accounts to protect myself" - so you have some credibility. You are not just bluffing.
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See a lawyer in your jurisdiction immediately would be my suggestion. Establish how a divorce would shake out for you, and start constructing an exit strategy to remove this loser from your life.
Expect him to 'empty the gun' at you with all sorts of stalling, delaying, obfuscating and lying as he tries to hose this down, and return the relationship to the old status quo, where he is entirely comfortable.
You've done well so far. Actions speak louder than words.
You have the initiative, it is vital that you keep it.
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Post by bballgirl on Jan 12, 2017 9:05:09 GMT -5
I'm so sorry that you have found yourself here. Your H is a selfish, immature man. I agree if he can't talk about sex and enjoy it then there is no way you will ever be sexually fulfilled. The fact that he runs off says a lot about him.
It sounds like you had the Talk and maybe do it again. I'm always of the mindset to lay your cards on the table and try to make it work but my gut in your case is saying to go see an attorney and drop his broke dick ass like a hot potato. Read a lot on here it's a great place for support and advice.
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Post by shamwow on Jan 12, 2017 9:21:16 GMT -5
OK, you've told him - "I told him he better think twice before abondoning his family because it will absolutely not be tolerated again". But most importantly, you also acted by "shutting down credit cards and banking accounts to protect myself" - so you have some credibility. You are not just bluffing. - See a lawyer in your jurisdiction immediately would be my suggestion. Establish how a divorce would shake out for you, and start constructing an exit strategy to remove this loser from your life. Expect him to 'empty the gun' at you with all sorts of stalling, delaying, obfuscating and lying as he tries to hose this down, and return the relationship to the old status quo, where he is entirely comfortable. You've done well so far. Actions speak louder than words. You have the initiative, it is vital that you keep it. 100 percent agree. |
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Post by Deleted on Jan 12, 2017 11:17:14 GMT -5
I, like many of you suffer from lack of sex and intimacy in my marriage. I've been together with my husband for six years, married for 3. Sex has always been a concern. Last week after reaching total frustration... being forgotten, confused, and frustration yet again, I decided to search and stumbled across this sight. I had no idea there was such a thing as a SM, and I was really surprised to see that females were suffering right along with males. It has been a lonely, shameful lifeI have lived and reading all the posts have empowered me, shocked me, and frightened me. I was addicted immediately to reading the posts as they all relate to what I'm going through. I feel so validated in my frustrations and loneliness. I have approached my H many times, but empty promises and short periods of effort soon dwindled back to square 1. I took a leap after just 2 days of reading posts and had "the talk".. asked my husband for a change in the relationship in the area of intimacy. I guess after all the empty promises he had nothing to say. I suggested many things.., separating bedrooms, counseling, I even mentioned an open marriage.... with that he got furious and left the house. He snuck back later to retrieve several items, packed a bag and was gone. I haven't heard from him since. He's done this once before and I told him he better think twice before abondoning his family because it will absolutely not be tolerated again. I have shut down credit cards and banking accounts to protect myself. I want to feel loved, touched, and valued... just thought I would seek some words of wisdom from you all. I am so sorry to hear this. I really think he is just throwing a fit to get his way. But it seems you have shown him that you are not bluffing. I am sorry that he will not discuss the matter. I suggest you get a lawyer immediately. |
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Post by lyn on Jan 12, 2017 12:54:24 GMT -5
I, like many of you suffer from lack of sex and intimacy in my marriage. I've been together with my husband for six years, married for 3. Sex has always been a concern. Last week after reaching total frustration... being forgotten, confused, and frustration yet again, I decided to search and stumbled across this sight. I had no idea there was such a thing as a SM, and I was really surprised to see that females were suffering right along with males. It has been a lonely, shameful lifeI have lived and reading all the posts have empowered me, shocked me, and frightened me. I was addicted immediately to reading the posts as they all relate to what I'm going through. I feel so validated in my frustrations and loneliness. I have approached my H many times, but empty promises and short periods of effort soon dwindled back to square 1. I took a leap after just 2 days of reading posts and had "the talk".. asked my husband for a change in the relationship in the area of intimacy. I guess after all the empty promises he had nothing to say. I suggested many things.., separating bedrooms, counseling, I even mentioned an open marriage.... with that he got furious and left the house. He snuck back later to retrieve several items, packed a bag and was gone. I haven't heard from him since. He's done this once before and I told him he better think twice before abondoning his family because it will absolutely not be tolerated again. I have shut down credit cards and banking accounts to protect myself. I want to feel loved, touched, and valued... just thought I would seek some words of wisdom from you all. Welcome @dreamer4140...... I'm sorry this is going on - one consolation, yep, we get you. Sounds like you really do need to consult an attorney immediately. Your H sounds extremely impulsive - addicted to porn and video games, and just basically really immature. Sounds like the lack of sex has been a problem all along - I hate to say this, but it will probably not change. What you've done by having 'The Talk' with him is shake up the dynamic. His reaction says a lot. If he doesn't already, he's going to resent you for bringing this all to light. He's probably humiliated but may lack the maturity (or desire) to address the issues; 1) sexless marriage - he's abandoned your vows, he's abandoned and rejected you, 2) Porn addiction - that's his sex life, obviously 3) video game addiction, 4) fill in the blanks - cuz there are always more issues (bad childhood, personality disorder, depression) etc. You may still love him - think you might have some children but not sure. In any case, do not lose your resolve or momentum. Even if you would prefer trying to "fix" the marriage, please consult with an attorney - get your support system (friends, family, etc) behind you. Keep posting here - we are here for you and can be a valuable part of your support network. IF he comes to the realization that these issues are real and wants to do the work to repair the marriage - maybe consider counseling. Sounds like he def needs individual help - you could really benefit from individual counseling yourself as this is certainly such a stressful time for you. As is mentioned often here, these sexless marriages really screw with your head - def mess with your self esteem, etc., the list goes on. A good counselor can help you think clearly. The thing with counseling is he needs to WANT to work on his issues - or it's a waste of time and money. If he refuses to admit to or work on his shit - there is your difinitive answer. You deserve to be loved, valued, respected in your marriage. A real marriage includes sex and intimacy. As you know, yours (and mine and many here) is a farce. |
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Post by darktippedrose on Jan 12, 2017 17:26:05 GMT -5
Hugs sweetie.
and shutting down the finances, was a very smart move.
I learned after so many years to cut off our joined accounts. then I changed the pin to debit card to stop him from stealing from me all the time.
Hugs.
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Post by dreamr4110 on Jan 12, 2017 19:03:20 GMT -5
Thank you so much for your words... on top of Years of feeling like there was something wrong with me I now am dealing with abondonment issues that are really taking a toll on my self image. I'm trying to stay strong and to take one day at a time. One of the things I have been researching is passive aggressiveness in SM. Does anyone have any feedback on this?
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Post by dreamr4110 on Jan 12, 2017 19:06:59 GMT -5
I, like many of you suffer from lack of sex and intimacy in my marriage. I've been together with my husband for six years, married for 3. Sex has always been a concern. Last week after reaching total frustration... being forgotten, confused, and frustration yet again, I decided to search and stumbled across this sight. I had no idea there was such a thing as a SM, and I was really surprised to see that females were suffering right along with males. It has been a lonely, shameful lifeI have lived and reading all the posts have empowered me, shocked me, and frightened me. I was addicted immediately to reading the posts as they all relate to what I'm going through. I feel so validated in my frustrations and loneliness. I have approached my H many times, but empty promises and short periods of effort soon dwindled back to square 1. I took a leap after just 2 days of reading posts and had "the talk".. asked my husband for a change in the relationship in the area of intimacy. I guess after all the empty promises he had nothing to say. I suggested many things.., separating bedrooms, counseling, I even mentioned an open marriage.... with that he got furious and left the house. He snuck back later to retrieve several items, packed a bag and was gone. I haven't heard from him since. He's done this once before and I told him he better think twice before abondoning his family because it will absolutely not be tolerated again. I have shut down credit cards and banking accounts to protect myself. I want to feel loved, touched, and valued... just thought I would seek some words of wisdom from you all. Well you have done well to address the issue as it takes guts. I don't want to dishearten you but from this moment on, expect your partner to respond negatively if you ever mention your sex life or lack of again! My wife used the classic 'all you ever think about is sex' line whenever I tried to converse with her after it had first been discussed. Don't do what I did and start feeling guilty about comments like that. You have a right to be happy too! I've realised something since I first addressed it with her which is that marriages are about 2 people not 1. |
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Post by dreamr4110 on Jan 12, 2017 19:21:22 GMT -5
I can relate to so many posts I have read so far. The addiction to video games, movies, or anything else that stays on the surface level. The family dog getting more love/affection then he's ever given me, The amount of affection he shows in public, the constant issue of lack of connection and the resentment that has built. But what baffles me most is the "walking away". I guess just another way of showing me he doesn't value me or respect my feelings. Still baffles me a bit. This wasn't nor ever was what I wanted (the apparent separation). I wanted to work on this and grow together and share a stronger connection. But... I've always believed in actions speaking louder than words. I am a strong believer in the fact that love is a VERB, and even though I'm a stressed out sad mess right now I believe that boundaries are huge... I made it known to him that this disappearing act was selfish, unhealthy, and flat out wrong; and ultimately would not be tolerated.
We are both self sufficient and can provide for ourselves, our marriage was never out of necessity or convenance... it was a choice; a promise, vow, and a partnership. But that's just me...
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Post by csl on Jan 13, 2017 12:37:18 GMT -5
Just to piggy-back on some of the earlier posts in this thread:
no one has mentioned the locks. Change the locks.
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Post by itsjustus on Jan 13, 2017 19:26:08 GMT -5
Just to piggy-back on some of the earlier posts in this thread: no one has mentioned the locks. Change the locks.THIS!!!!!
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Post by beachguy on Jan 14, 2017 10:56:40 GMT -5
It appears that the lines of communication are fully open here.
Sex is a deal breaker
For both of you. And he's made it quite clear.
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. If he really would rather leave than have to talk about your sex life, you know for sure that you were never going to have one!
