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Post by bballgirl on Jan 10, 2017 10:28:04 GMT -5
That is exactly right. I had already grieved the marriage but he didn't. The night I moved out, middle of the night - he was screaming at me and he was so angry but I stayed calm, I didn't yell back, I just loaded my car lifting heavy boxes while he watched and yelled and I drove away. A week later he calmed down. I basically kept telling myself he's angry because he's sad I'm leaving and I know it's true. I still deal with bouts of sadness when I think about what should have been because we really could have been great. That's what kills me - we should have been great. We have great kids, financial security, common interests and values. We live in an idyllic setting. We should be insanely happy but here we are. The whole thing sucks. Yes it's very tough to face even after being out a year. And my ex has his vices but if he would have loved me like a husband should I could have dealt with the other issues. No sex, bad sex, celibacy is a dealbreaker. What he did to me for 2 decades is unexcusable so that's the other side of the coin and where my head takes over my heart. |
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Post by callisto on Jan 10, 2017 10:34:43 GMT -5
I hope so. All of the work that i do on myself is really directed more at this than at saving the marriage that i have. It may be didficult, but i think my wife knows that we are transitioning into a different sort of relationship - possibly (and if we are lucky) the one we had and should have kept to about 30 years ago. This is what I feel too- our relationship is exactly like it was when we (kind of ironically in this context) shared a flatt 20 years ago. I have been thinking this a lot recently - nothing ever really changed in our dynamics.. |
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Post by shamwow on Jan 10, 2017 10:37:28 GMT -5
As someone who is looking to hop the D train this thread is interesting to me. For those of you able to keep a friendship of some sorts after divorce is there any advice (recommendations or pitfalls) you would give to someone who wants the same but is just getting started in the exit process.
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Post by bballgirl on Jan 10, 2017 10:54:57 GMT -5
As someone who is looking to hop the D train this thread is interesting to me. For those of you able to keep a friendship of some sorts after divorce is there any advice (recommendations or pitfalls) you would give to someone who wants the same but is just getting started in the exit process. To understand that your children love you both equally so for the sake of the family unit for the sake of the kids you have to respect each other and work as a team at times. |
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Post by bballgirl on Jan 10, 2017 10:57:50 GMT -5
Something that I have found interesting. During one of the Hurricanes he spent the night at my place so we could be together as a family.
At that point I'm 9 months divorced. Being around him was less resentful but as far as our relationship it felt basically the same as when we were married which told me we were not living as husband and wife.
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Post by callisto on Jan 10, 2017 11:03:45 GMT -5
I have a slightly different view, which is so eloquently put up in this article, that I'm copying and pasting here. (Link of the source, at the end of this post).---------------- Can Exes be Friends?There are some very strong and socially-endorsed reasons why partners breaking up generally try to remain friends.
To the person being – however nicely – rejected, the promise of friendship can feel like an emotionally-reassuring consolation prize. We may no longer be allowed to share their bed, have children with them or end our days in their company, but at least something can be rescued from the ashes: we will continue to be able to call them when we like, share our fears and go to the movies together.
To the person performing – however nicely – the execution, the promise of friendship is equally attractive. We may be itching to eject the partner but we are not – for that matter – devoid of feeling. We are, as we might say in sentimental moments, extremely fond of the soon-to-be ex. We just don’t want to end our time on earth with them, let alone reject all sexual possibilities in their name. Furthermore, we are deeply attached to the idea that we’re not monsters. And as we know, nice people always try to be friends with their exes.
The arguments may sound wise but, from close up, they are deeply fraught and in their own way, a catastrophe for both sides.
For the rejected party, the step from lover to friend is an eternally humiliating demotion. To go from the idea of a joint life-long future to a dinner every second Thursday is, to put it mildly, a come down. Worse, every sighting of the ex is guaranteed to re-ignite hope and then further insult. One isn’t acquiring a friend, more an unwitting torturer.
As for the executing party, the ex is a constant reminder of one’s guilt and ruthlessness. One can’t even relax into being kind, lest one’s intentions be misread and, after a few drinks, they burst into tears or attempt to take one’s hand.
The idea of trying to be friends constitutes a touching attempt to honour the best sides of a relationship in which two people invested heavily. Two lovers can’t, so the thought goes, simply vanish from each other’s lives after all that; a friendship is invoked to memorialise an episode of genuine importance.
But, looked at more dispassionately, friendship isn’t in any real sense faithful to love. Friendship with an ex does a grave disservice both to the memory of the relationship at its height and the merits of intimate friendship. It’s at once a betrayal of everything a good relationship was and a slight on the ideals of friendship, which shouldn’t be built out of the remnants of another, more ardent condition.
What we should replace love with isn’t friendship but that far more honest state: polite distance. That and a real assurance that the relationship, in its best and most enduring light, will always live on in the one place it can safely always do so: memory.----------- Source: www.thebookoflife.org/can-exes-be-friends/I understand this point of view but in my case disagree because my husband and I never really were lovers (although for years I wanted to be and this caused me great hurt and pain) but we' were always the best of friends, the best of best of all friends and we have lived in that state for years. I suspect the author of the article was not in an SM where the very basis of union can oft be thrawn. That is precisely where the basis of my marriage differs from a 'standard' marriage and why I can hardly bear the thought of loosing my husband. He genuinely is my best friend and not my lover. |
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Post by callisto on Jan 10, 2017 11:11:01 GMT -5
Something that I have found interesting. During one of the Hurricanes he spent the night at my place so we could be together as a family. At that point I'm 9 months divorced. Being around him was less resentful but as far as our relationship it felt basically the same as when we were married which told me we were not living as husband and wife. Thank you for sharing your experiences BBgirl- I get what you say here. We have not lived as standard man and wife, don't even have kids. I don't feel any resentment (anymore) towards my husband as I know he did his best in the marriage and it is simply not his nature to be sexual, I love him anyway but cannot justify sacrificing my own remaining years of sexual viability by being married with no chance of physicality. |
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Post by bballgirl on Jan 10, 2017 11:16:10 GMT -5
Something that I have found interesting. During one of the Hurricanes he spent the night at my place so we could be together as a family. At that point I'm 9 months divorced. Being around him was less resentful but as far as our relationship it felt basically the same as when we were married which told me we were not living as husband and wife. Thank you for sharing your experiences BBgirl- I get what you say here. We have not lived as standard man and wife, don't even have kids. I don't feel any resentment (anymore) towards my husband as I know he did his best in the marriage and it is simply not his nature to be sexual, I love him anyway but cannot justify sacrificing my own remaining years of sexual viability by being married with no chance of physicality. And you shouldn't have to. It's your life on this Earth to live the way that will make you happy. |
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Post by novembercomingfire on Jan 10, 2017 11:22:33 GMT -5
That is exactly right. I had already grieved the marriage but he didn't. The night I moved out, middle of the night - he was screaming at me and he was so angry but I stayed calm, I didn't yell back, I just loaded my car lifting heavy boxes while he watched and yelled and I drove away. A week later he calmed down. I basically kept telling myself he's angry because he's sad I'm leaving and I know it's true. I still deal with bouts of sadness when I think about what should have been because we really could have been great. That's what kills me - we should have been great. We have great kids, financial security, common interests and values. We live in an idyllic setting. We should be insanely happy but here we are. The whole thing sucks. I could not agree more with you. Same here. |
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Post by eternaloptimism on Jan 10, 2017 14:31:39 GMT -5
I get the distinct feeling mine will go back to his home town 140 miles away. Yay  He will expect me to bring the kids to visit.... he doesn't drive! When we split last time eldest was 13 months only. The only time that child saw his father was when I single handedly caught 2 trains carrying a baby, luggage, pram, travelcot and high chair with me. He never paid a bean for him either. And I took on all the debt he accrued as my own. I had no choice. It was all in my name. I did it because I wanted my child to have a relationship with his father and didn't want the blame to fall on me for them not seeing each other. How naive I was. Things will be very different this time. So back to the topic.... I couldn't give 2 shits if he dropped of the face of the earth never to be seen again. However, I will absolutely be amicable and grown up if he chooses to behave in a similar manner. Let's see shall we! |
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Post by cagedtiger on Jan 10, 2017 14:42:13 GMT -5
She's already told me she won't be able to be friends, and I understand that, though it makes me sad. Honestly, I'm going to miss her cranky old dog and her asshole cat a lot, especially as the dog is already past the age most labs live comfortably to.
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Post by shamwow on Jan 10, 2017 14:48:19 GMT -5
She's already told me she won't be able to be friends, and I understand that, though it makes me sad. Honestly, I'm going to miss her cranky old dog and her asshole cat a lot, especially as the dog is already past the age most labs live comfortably to. Is that truth or a tactic? I have no idea which is more likley not knowing your wife. |
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Post by misssunnybunny on Jan 10, 2017 15:23:16 GMT -5
The ex and have been able to be civil with each other. Not friends per se, but we are not hostile and argumentative with each other. We have shared friends and encounter each other sometimes at gatherings. We talk and fill each other in on our families, and how we are all doing now. It is nice to have the connection and not totally hate each other. It is sad because we could have been so much more than we became, and sometimes I sense that old connection with him. Most of the time I am reminded of why he is now my ex |
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Post by GeekGoddess on Jan 10, 2017 19:28:42 GMT -5
I moved out first and we had a lot of times I visited the old house to move my stuff, rip old carpet, clean for showing etc. After the real estate deal went through, he let me know when I could visit the place to say goodbye - but he and I did our goodbye visits there separately (20 years on a piece of ground - you can't just leave w/o a goodbye). I saw him a few times over last summer. Then I saw him around christmas too. He commented that it had been months. That visit, I got & gave a good hug hello. That visit was very pleasant. He moved in with his daughter, her husband, their baby. He fixed up a part of the basement. It's so cheap, he may never move but they are expecting a new baby in a month, too.
Anyway - we are friends in some sense. But I think not seeing each other has been good for us for a while. Now when I see him - I am still reminded why he is my Ex. But I've had time to soften and to "miss" him (or - his wit, really/mostly). I don't get so sad about the lost potential now as I did at first.
I keep him updated on my elderly parents when there is a health crisis. We each have our own relationships with his children (they are grown & we don't really have a need for the co-parenting sort of roles).
Would I call him a friend? Yes. Would I ask him for ANY thing - any sort of help? No. Would I help him if he asked? Yeah, probably - if he asked for time, energy, a part of ME - but not any "thing" materially. He's a grown man. I am a grown-ass woman. We don't need each other for anything. But I don't need to hate him or anything either.
I could not have lived in the same space as him.
In the steps to separate and divorce - I was more than fair and got taken for some money because I wouldn't be quite hard & mean enough. I got resentful but I have found ways to release that resentment (or at least not dwell in it).
Don't say anything too hateful or mean - even if he does during the process. This is not so that you can remain friends though - this is so that you can remain YOU.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 10, 2017 20:26:17 GMT -5
If I got divorced I would not live with her, that is for sure. I could not ever face that she might date someone else.
I am intense, I love intensely, I guess I hate that way too.
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