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Post by Deleted on Jan 7, 2017 12:56:30 GMT -5
My refuser was never playful or flirty at all.
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Post by DryCreek on Jan 7, 2017 13:14:41 GMT -5
@earthhorse... how is your wife with acknowledging / appreciating / complimenting you? Others? I'm curious if there are any commonalities.
Mine is very kind and polite, but rarely offers compliments or voices appreciation.
Intimacy-wise, her reaction is either to be neutral / ignore, or react negatively. Never any positive feedback to suggest "I like that. Keep doing that. We should do that again." Which rather leaves one in the dark and grasping at straws unsuccessfully. If asked directly, the answer is only "It's OK" (which is read to mean "I don't like it, but it's tolerable").
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Post by Isabellas39 on Jan 7, 2017 14:39:28 GMT -5
My husband is playful at times just not in a sexual way...
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Post by ggold on Jan 7, 2017 16:14:38 GMT -5
Nope. He's not playful at all. Quite frankly, he's a dud.
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Post by darktippedrose on Jan 7, 2017 19:44:26 GMT -5
I used to love being playful with my husband. But before the kidz were diagnosed, my husband basically hinted that its time for me to grow up and quit trying to relive my lost childhood.
he sometimes likes to shove my unstable childhood in my face.
So I'm playful with my kidz instead. My husband will be playful with them for like 3 minutes several times a week. If I try to do something with him, him and his stupid comments just suck the joy out of everything. So I don't even do that anymore.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 7, 2017 23:49:18 GMT -5
I could write pages about this. One example. taking a cruise. We live 1/2 hr from the largest cruise port on the east coast. Her "compromise/discussion"? We can't afford it, that would be boring, it's too cramped, lots of drinking going on, I wouldn't want to do any of those things once we get there. Yet she was willing, saving, planning, to spend 20 times more for a trip back to China for the good of the children, with zero in-put or discussion with me. My daughter told me the other day, "we were playing the I have never game at church the other day, and I knew how to win. When it was my turn I said, I have never been on a cruise. That eliminated all of them." Ans she wonders why we don't go anywhere anymore. , we had the exact same experience with Disneyland. Went for a week. Looking back, I don't remember ever actually weighing in for the trip. If memory serves (and it doesn't always), it was her idea followed by "i'm thinking this, and this, and this, for this reason, and the kids will like it, and this is how we can afford it, and this timing makes sense, and let's do it." It's almost like giving a very friendly passive-aggressive decision and expecting me to go along with it. Without any idea of, "How does that sound to you" or "Do you think a week is too much?" But then i can make myself go crazy thinking, God i'm such a selfish moron. Who really cares if their wife wants to take their kids to Disneyland and doesn't totally want to have a vote on it. I start to think i'm just sabotaging this all by finding the things that are wrong. No we are not being selfish, we are finally realizing that e have been invited along for all the wrong reasons. It's not like, "Of course you are going, it wouldn't be any fun without you". Or "We would miss you, I would miss you terribly". Or ,"but these are meant to be fun for everyone, that's why you had such a big say in it from the beginning". Instead it's more like, "whatever, you can come along with your wallet, carry all the luggage, buy all the groceries, stand in line for food, do all the driving, wait in line everywhere." Or ,once the're old enough, your not needed. Like our China trip, I asked my W, "anytime for us, during this trip?" She looked bewildered and said, "huh? this is for the family." |
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Post by novembercomingfire on Jan 8, 2017 7:35:53 GMT -5
greatcoastal , we had the exact same experience with Disneyland. Went for a week. Looking back, I don't remember ever actually weighing in for the trip. If memory serves (and it doesn't always), it was her idea followed by "i'm thinking this, and this, and this, for this reason, and the kids will like it, and this is how we can afford it, and this timing makes sense, and let's do it." It's almost like giving a very friendly passive-aggressive decision and expecting me to go along with it. Without any idea of, "How does that sound to you" or "Do you think a week is too much?" But then i can make myself go crazy thinking, God i'm such a selfish moron. Who really cares if their wife wants to take their kids to Disneyland and doesn't totally want to have a vote on it. I start to think i'm just sabotaging this all by finding the things that are wrong. No we are not being selfish, we are finally realizing that e have been invited along for all the wrong reasons. It's not like, "Of course you are going, it wouldn't be any fun without you". Or "We would miss you, I would miss you terribly". Or ,"but these are meant to be fun for everyone, that's why you had such a big say in it from the beginning". Instead it's more like, "whatever, you can come along with your wallet, carry all the luggage, buy all the groceries, stand in line for food, do all the driving, wait in line everywhere." Or ,once the're old enough, your not needed. Like our China trip, I asked my W, "anytime for us, during this trip?" She looked bewildered and said, "huh? this is for the family." Damn. Yes. It is always "this is for the family." |
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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 8, 2017 8:03:40 GMT -5
I could write pages about this. One example. taking a cruise. We live 1/2 hr from the largest cruise port on the east coast. Her "compromise/discussion"? We can't afford it, that would be boring, it's too cramped, lots of drinking going on, I wouldn't want to do any of those things once we get there. Yet she was willing, saving, planning, to spend 20 times more for a trip back to China for the good of the children, with zero in-put or discussion with me. My daughter told me the other day, "we were playing the I have never game at church the other day, and I knew how to win. When it was my turn I said, I have never been on a cruise. That eliminated all of them." Ans she wonders why we don't go anywhere anymore. , we had the exact same experience with Disneyland. Went for a week. Looking back, I don't remember ever actually weighing in for the trip. If memory serves (and it doesn't always), it was her idea followed by "i'm thinking this, and this, and this, for this reason, and the kids will like it, and this is how we can afford it, and this timing makes sense, and let's do it." It's almost like giving a very friendly passive-aggressive decision and expecting me to go along with it. Without any idea of, "How does that sound to you" or "Do you think a week is too much?" But then i can make myself go crazy thinking, God i'm such a selfish moron. Who really cares if their wife wants to take their kids to Disneyland and doesn't totally want to have a vote on it. I start to think i'm just sabotaging this all by finding the things that are wrong. There was always the financial side to these, "happy family times", as well. She would lay out all her positives, using "for the family" as her prime weapon, giving you the opportunity to be the bad guy, and bring up finances. I would be thinking, "a whole week? What about the kitchen cabinets that we were going to replace 5 yrs. ago, and the truck needs new tires, and the roof is going to need replacing next year? Meanwhile you told me we can't afford to eat out anymore, so I feel guilty buying a $2.00 meal for myself, and you want to go to Disney for a week? Making me out to be no fun and a home-wrecker? This from the same person who is too tired, and can't be in the sun, doesn't want to clean up all the mess, by going to the beach 1/2 mile from our house. These lies, manipulations, excuses, half truths, manage to come back. She may have long forgotten them, but they stay with me. Yet bring them up again, and watch her play victim and make you out to be the offender. These things would be brought up in counselling, and she would just shrug them off, and treat me as being offensive for even mentioning it. Not once admitting to all the truth behind it. I am looking forward to ending all the manipulation and having a new start, with control over my own budget, and finding other woman who understand fun together with a man. |
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