Post by thebaffledking on Jan 6, 2017 1:50:22 GMT -5
The following is something I just wrote to myself today. I email myself often 
. I think there's enough here to share, to think about, to agree or disagree......we are all here to help one another cope with a very difficult situation. I've worked my way through eight years of books, articles, forums, sleepless nights, hundreds upon hundreds of emails to myself, suicidal ideation, and depression like I never knew was possible. It has taken me all eight years. I have never let up in my quest to get to the point of leaving. I am the victim of trauma bonding, codependence, a distant and alcoholic father, and of being highly empathic (blessing or curse depends on who you end up with). I have been through hell more times than I can count. I LOVE women. I love LOVE. I place love and affection and caring and intimacy and fun and adventure and peace and harmony above ALL else. My SM situation was particularly traumatic due to my make-up as a human being......but again, my make-up as a human being will be PERFECT for the right woman. 2017 is MY year. January is MY month. I will never again sacrifice my life experience and peace of mind for anyone.
Sometimes I write to 'me', sometimes I am writing to a broader audience.......this wends its way through both modalities, so please forgive the inconsistencies. This is pretty much 'inspired stream-of-consciousness'. So, for what it's worth as I stare my coming freedom square in the eye........
SHE DOES NOT LOVE YOU.
Isn't it GREAT that you are free to make your OWN choices? She was given opportunity to hear and understand my issues, but she didn't want to. As far as she is concerned this is all my fault. I always made efforts to do and/or be what she wanted.....but it didn't matter, nothing changed. It was all one big fool's errand. She wasn't going to change no matter what because THIS IS WHO SHE IS. She has played HER issues off onto you, so that this became YOUR problem before you ever knew what hit you......
Why should she get to be my wife? She's NOT a wife. She's a roommate. A contented one at that. She chose not to be a wife. Not in accord with all reasonable definitions of 'wife'. And yet she expected me to keep fulfilling all of MY obligations as a husband - chiefly to earn money and provide security and stability. I did that. SHE didn't do all of her work. She is simply NOT the kind of person that's going to be a WIFE as I would like a wife to be.......she doesn't love like I would like love to be. And she has made ME question what I want, and if it's fair to want those things. Well, fuck, what I want for MY life is no business of hers. If she were meeting all of the things I want, and NONE of them are unreasonable (sex, loving nature, respect, admiration, affection), there would be no problem. THIS IS INCOMPATIBILITY, plain and simple. It's incompatibility, and there's no right or wrong to it.
She thinks that MY definition of what a wife is should CHANGE to match HER. All this forcing round pegs into square holes shit, and trying to place blame or seek some deep understanding is all bullshit. There are compatible people for EVERYONE......there's no right or wrong, and neither of you should have to change.......if you're incompatible, you made a mistake, were duped (bait and switch) or whatever. It doesn't matter. TODAY you are incompatible. TODAY you have found your way to a forum about sexless marriage and how to cope. TODAY is probably part of a very long train of TODAYS for you to find your way here. IT'S NOT GOING TO CHANGE and it's not fair to expect there to be change.......she's living how she wants, and you're not. So, you leave. You find compatibility now that you are wiser and have learned painful lessons. Nothing is set in stone, and if it seems like certain aspects of marriage ARE set in stone, you are the victim of external forces that really have nothing to do with the entity known as YOU. YOU are free. YOU are not set in stone! Decorum, friends, family, religion, dogma dogma dogma.......you are placing yourself at the mercy of social dogma, and it will drown you if you let it. It will kill you.
Stand free. Strip away everything. What do YOU want while you have your time on Earth?
Stop thinking what THEY want. They have not given you what YOU WANT. They have given you THIS forum and THESE issues that you never ever expected in your life. They don't care. And what you want is SO normal! SO GO GET IT!
Cast aside EVERYONE ELSE'S OPINION of what YOU want and go fucking GET IT. You're the one that will one day lay down and never get up again. What do you WANT at that moment? Not this, that's for damn sure.
As I wrote, I was reminded of something I'd read a few years ago. What follows, below, is a condensed version of Johnny B. Truant's excellent piece entitled 'The Universe Doesn't Give a Flying Fuck About You'. The entire piece is easy enough to find online.
*****************
"What are you so fucking worried about?
You are here now. Eventually, you will be gone. You have but a nanosecond on the universal clock to do whatever it is you’re going to do. When that time is gone, it’s gone. Forever.
That means that although what you do doesn’t matter to the universe, it should matter one hell of a lot to YOU.
In fact, it should matter to you more than it currently does. If you knew how small you are and how short a time you have to do what you can, you wouldn’t waste time watching five fucking hours of TV a day. You wouldn’t waste time doing a job you hate. You wouldn’t waste the little time you have dealing with assholes, feeling sorry for yourself, or being timid about the things you’d really like to do.
Think back five years in time. Remember what you were like. Realize how fast five years can go. Think about who you are today, the place you’re in and the age you are. Then step back into the shoes of your five-years-ago self and look at yourself as you are today.
Realize that time will never stop. NEVER. You will never be younger again. It’s like being on a train with no stops that’s always leading you farther and farther from home… or closer and closer to home, depending on how you look at it. You can never get off that train. You can never board a train going the opposite direction.
If you missed a stop, tough shit.
If there was this great thing even just two miles back that you decided not to do, you can’t change your mind and go do it. That place is gone forever.
Do yourself a favor, right now, and realize two things:
1. You will keep getting older, and then you will die.
2. Everything that’s ever entered your experience has lasted and will continue to last for only a brief moment in the life of the universe.
This is game time, champ. You’re in. You’re in, playing, right now, and the clock is ticking.
So stop wondering what it all means and how you’ll possibly ever do X and what people will think, and get on with your life already.
Stop being a pussy and go do something amazing.
Do epic shit.
So what does this mean to you?
Why… it means everything. It means that in the small amount of time you have to live, you can be whatever you want. It means that even though the universe doesn’t care enough to give you what you want, it doesn’t care enough to stop you from having it, either. So embrace that anarchy, and take those things for yourself.
If you want to be awesome in this life, do awesome things.
Just do it. Claim it. Stop waiting for permission to be epic.
Most people think that they need to be tapped on the shoulder by the Epic Fairy if they ever hope to be epic, or if they’re ever going to have the audacity to do something truly epic. But it’s not true. Want to be epic? Just do epic shit. There’s nothing else to it.
People always say, “I wish I was amazing. I wish I was awesome.”
Fucking hell. Stop whining and just be it already. Be fucking awesome.
Nobody’s going to give you the gift of awesome. Nobody’s going to make you good, or great, or amazing, or epic. Nobody’s going to make you an expert or an authority or a voice anyone should listen to. Nobody’s going to level you up. If you want that next level, take it. Take it for yourself.
Grab it. Become it. Claim it.
Write a treatise. Create an event. Speak your mind. Make the call. Do it. Do it.
You are very small. We are all staring down the barrel of a gun, and we last only for the tiniest, tiniest moment in time. Your life is a one-way train, and any second you waste is a second lost forever.
You are that beetle on the streets of New York. The universe doesn’t hate you, but it doesn’t love you, either. You’re just an atom in its infinite workings. The universe doesn’t care if you live, die, suffer, or thrive.
Only YOU care.
If your life is to mean something, it’s up to YOU.
Stop waiting for someone to give you what you want. The universe is too busy to care. It has worlds to create and galaxies to destroy. If you’re worried about death and about your own end, don’t. It’s coming whether you like it or not. You will either arrive at the end of your life in style or you will arrive broken and beaten, but whichever way you choose, have no doubt that you WILL ARRIVE.
There is only now. If you have power, it’s now. If you can change anything, you have to do it now. If you want to be or to have that next great thing, be it. Have it. Take it. Own it. Do it. Become it.
Be awesome. Do epic shit.
Do it now. The clock is ticking."
. I think there's enough here to share, to think about, to agree or disagree......we are all here to help one another cope with a very difficult situation. I've worked my way through eight years of books, articles, forums, sleepless nights, hundreds upon hundreds of emails to myself, suicidal ideation, and depression like I never knew was possible. It has taken me all eight years. I have never let up in my quest to get to the point of leaving. I am the victim of trauma bonding, codependence, a distant and alcoholic father, and of being highly empathic (blessing or curse depends on who you end up with). I have been through hell more times than I can count. I LOVE women. I love LOVE. I place love and affection and caring and intimacy and fun and adventure and peace and harmony above ALL else. My SM situation was particularly traumatic due to my make-up as a human being......but again, my make-up as a human being will be PERFECT for the right woman. 2017 is MY year. January is MY month. I will never again sacrifice my life experience and peace of mind for anyone. Sometimes I write to 'me', sometimes I am writing to a broader audience.......this wends its way through both modalities, so please forgive the inconsistencies. This is pretty much 'inspired stream-of-consciousness'. So, for what it's worth as I stare my coming freedom square in the eye........
SHE DOES NOT LOVE YOU.
Isn't it GREAT that you are free to make your OWN choices? She was given opportunity to hear and understand my issues, but she didn't want to. As far as she is concerned this is all my fault. I always made efforts to do and/or be what she wanted.....but it didn't matter, nothing changed. It was all one big fool's errand. She wasn't going to change no matter what because THIS IS WHO SHE IS. She has played HER issues off onto you, so that this became YOUR problem before you ever knew what hit you......
Why should she get to be my wife? She's NOT a wife. She's a roommate. A contented one at that. She chose not to be a wife. Not in accord with all reasonable definitions of 'wife'. And yet she expected me to keep fulfilling all of MY obligations as a husband - chiefly to earn money and provide security and stability. I did that. SHE didn't do all of her work. She is simply NOT the kind of person that's going to be a WIFE as I would like a wife to be.......she doesn't love like I would like love to be. And she has made ME question what I want, and if it's fair to want those things. Well, fuck, what I want for MY life is no business of hers. If she were meeting all of the things I want, and NONE of them are unreasonable (sex, loving nature, respect, admiration, affection), there would be no problem. THIS IS INCOMPATIBILITY, plain and simple. It's incompatibility, and there's no right or wrong to it.
She thinks that MY definition of what a wife is should CHANGE to match HER. All this forcing round pegs into square holes shit, and trying to place blame or seek some deep understanding is all bullshit. There are compatible people for EVERYONE......there's no right or wrong, and neither of you should have to change.......if you're incompatible, you made a mistake, were duped (bait and switch) or whatever. It doesn't matter. TODAY you are incompatible. TODAY you have found your way to a forum about sexless marriage and how to cope. TODAY is probably part of a very long train of TODAYS for you to find your way here. IT'S NOT GOING TO CHANGE and it's not fair to expect there to be change.......she's living how she wants, and you're not. So, you leave. You find compatibility now that you are wiser and have learned painful lessons. Nothing is set in stone, and if it seems like certain aspects of marriage ARE set in stone, you are the victim of external forces that really have nothing to do with the entity known as YOU. YOU are free. YOU are not set in stone! Decorum, friends, family, religion, dogma dogma dogma.......you are placing yourself at the mercy of social dogma, and it will drown you if you let it. It will kill you.
Stand free. Strip away everything. What do YOU want while you have your time on Earth?
Stop thinking what THEY want. They have not given you what YOU WANT. They have given you THIS forum and THESE issues that you never ever expected in your life. They don't care. And what you want is SO normal! SO GO GET IT!
Cast aside EVERYONE ELSE'S OPINION of what YOU want and go fucking GET IT. You're the one that will one day lay down and never get up again. What do you WANT at that moment? Not this, that's for damn sure.
As I wrote, I was reminded of something I'd read a few years ago. What follows, below, is a condensed version of Johnny B. Truant's excellent piece entitled 'The Universe Doesn't Give a Flying Fuck About You'. The entire piece is easy enough to find online.
*****************
"What are you so fucking worried about?
You are here now. Eventually, you will be gone. You have but a nanosecond on the universal clock to do whatever it is you’re going to do. When that time is gone, it’s gone. Forever.
That means that although what you do doesn’t matter to the universe, it should matter one hell of a lot to YOU.
In fact, it should matter to you more than it currently does. If you knew how small you are and how short a time you have to do what you can, you wouldn’t waste time watching five fucking hours of TV a day. You wouldn’t waste time doing a job you hate. You wouldn’t waste the little time you have dealing with assholes, feeling sorry for yourself, or being timid about the things you’d really like to do.
Think back five years in time. Remember what you were like. Realize how fast five years can go. Think about who you are today, the place you’re in and the age you are. Then step back into the shoes of your five-years-ago self and look at yourself as you are today.
Realize that time will never stop. NEVER. You will never be younger again. It’s like being on a train with no stops that’s always leading you farther and farther from home… or closer and closer to home, depending on how you look at it. You can never get off that train. You can never board a train going the opposite direction.
If you missed a stop, tough shit.
If there was this great thing even just two miles back that you decided not to do, you can’t change your mind and go do it. That place is gone forever.
Do yourself a favor, right now, and realize two things:
1. You will keep getting older, and then you will die.
2. Everything that’s ever entered your experience has lasted and will continue to last for only a brief moment in the life of the universe.
This is game time, champ. You’re in. You’re in, playing, right now, and the clock is ticking.
So stop wondering what it all means and how you’ll possibly ever do X and what people will think, and get on with your life already.
Stop being a pussy and go do something amazing.
Do epic shit.
So what does this mean to you?
Why… it means everything. It means that in the small amount of time you have to live, you can be whatever you want. It means that even though the universe doesn’t care enough to give you what you want, it doesn’t care enough to stop you from having it, either. So embrace that anarchy, and take those things for yourself.
If you want to be awesome in this life, do awesome things.
Just do it. Claim it. Stop waiting for permission to be epic.
Most people think that they need to be tapped on the shoulder by the Epic Fairy if they ever hope to be epic, or if they’re ever going to have the audacity to do something truly epic. But it’s not true. Want to be epic? Just do epic shit. There’s nothing else to it.
People always say, “I wish I was amazing. I wish I was awesome.”
Fucking hell. Stop whining and just be it already. Be fucking awesome.
Nobody’s going to give you the gift of awesome. Nobody’s going to make you good, or great, or amazing, or epic. Nobody’s going to make you an expert or an authority or a voice anyone should listen to. Nobody’s going to level you up. If you want that next level, take it. Take it for yourself.
Grab it. Become it. Claim it.
Write a treatise. Create an event. Speak your mind. Make the call. Do it. Do it.
You are very small. We are all staring down the barrel of a gun, and we last only for the tiniest, tiniest moment in time. Your life is a one-way train, and any second you waste is a second lost forever.
You are that beetle on the streets of New York. The universe doesn’t hate you, but it doesn’t love you, either. You’re just an atom in its infinite workings. The universe doesn’t care if you live, die, suffer, or thrive.
Only YOU care.
If your life is to mean something, it’s up to YOU.
Stop waiting for someone to give you what you want. The universe is too busy to care. It has worlds to create and galaxies to destroy. If you’re worried about death and about your own end, don’t. It’s coming whether you like it or not. You will either arrive at the end of your life in style or you will arrive broken and beaten, but whichever way you choose, have no doubt that you WILL ARRIVE.
There is only now. If you have power, it’s now. If you can change anything, you have to do it now. If you want to be or to have that next great thing, be it. Have it. Take it. Own it. Do it. Become it.
Be awesome. Do epic shit.
Do it now. The clock is ticking."
