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Post by rejected101 on Jan 4, 2017 18:38:53 GMT -5
5 years ago if you asked me what I thought about a person who had been caught having an affair I would have been quite strong with my reply and it wouldn't have been polite. Whilst I still don't think it's a solid solution my reaction today would be very different. Until I know their story I wouldnt have an opinion either way.
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Post by bballgirl on Jan 4, 2017 18:55:32 GMT -5
I could say the same thing about myself prior to finding EP.
I was really in a fog about my marriage. I was faithful for over 21 years, all of them a SM but the last 13 celibate.
I don't judge anymore.
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Post by jim44444 on Jan 4, 2017 19:00:40 GMT -5
I could not care less if someone other then myself or my wife has an affair. They have their reason and it is only relevant to the people involved and their mates.
If my wife was to have an affair I would be upset only if she did not discuss it beforehand with me.
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Post by TMD on Jan 4, 2017 19:02:45 GMT -5
There is a good book on the topic of affairs. The researcher identified 17 reasons why people have them, and when a marriage can survive as a result. It's called, "When Good People Have Affairs."
For the record, I am open here about my AP. I have had one only since January of 2013. He is my only sexual partner, same guy. ((Well, there was this time at a club with a woman, but AP was there and supportive.))
I digress. An affair is not a one size fits all. And it's not something even I would promote to another person. I definitely did things backwards. *But* I am not sure I could have pulled my head out of my ass to see my marriage for what it was, otherwise. I had done such a magnificent job of convincing myself that I had to stay at all costs, particularly at the risk of who I am, that I *might* still be committed to the marriage.
((Backstory, official separation on the horizon -- we are going to see a counselor to work through the process, as H has little motivation to do anything and needs to be held accountable for his share of tasks surrounding the dissolution of said marriage.))
The affair has taught me a lot about what I want, need and what I don't want. At the crux of it: I want a companion with whom I can be truly myself and utterly vulnerable, whether it's in an intimate setting or a difficult conversation. Trust and being able to meet in the middle are non-negotiables.
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Post by TMD on Jan 4, 2017 19:05:31 GMT -5
I could say the same thing about myself prior to finding EP. I was really in a fog about my marriage. I was faithful for over 21 years, all of them a SM but the last 13 celibate. I don't judge anymore. "Fog," is an apt descriptor. I'm still shaking my head. Why would anybody think it's acceptable to live like that? ((I'm really talking about myself here.)) |
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Post by bballgirl on Jan 4, 2017 19:08:08 GMT -5
I could say the same thing about myself prior to finding EP. I was really in a fog about my marriage. I was faithful for over 21 years, all of them a SM but the last 13 celibate. I don't judge anymore. "Fog," is an apt descriptor. I'm still shaking my head. Why would anybody think it's acceptable to live like that? ((I'm really talking about myself here.)) I completely understand. |
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Post by TMD on Jan 4, 2017 19:08:27 GMT -5
I could not care less if someone other then myself or my wife has an affair. They have their reason and it is only relevant to the people involved and their mates. If my wife was to have an affair I would be upset only if she did not discuss it beforehand with me. This is exactly what my best friend said to me when I told her about the affair recently. I hadn't told her sooner because her H had had an affair that they seem to have overcome, but for which she was fairly traumatized by. I thought that I would hurt her with my news. And yet she said, "what you have isn't a marriage. And if you're not sleeping around with whomever and have a respectful affair partner, why would I judge you?" I had to pick myself up off of the floor. Gobsmacked. |
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Post by jim44444 on Jan 4, 2017 19:12:01 GMT -5
I could not care less if someone other then myself or my wife has an affair. They have their reason and it is only relevant to the people involved and their mates. If my wife was to have an affair I would be upset only if she did not discuss it beforehand with me. This is exactly what my best friend said to me when I told her about the affair recently. I hadn't told her sooner because her H had had an affair that they seem to have overcome, but for which she was fairly traumatized by. I thought that I would hurt her with my news. And yet she said, "what you have isn't a marriage. And if you're not sleeping around with whomever and have a respectful affair partner, why would I judge you?" I had to pick myself up off of the floor. Gobsmacked. It sounds like your friend's experience has provided her with wise insight. |
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Post by TMD on Jan 4, 2017 19:33:29 GMT -5
jim44444, I meant to include that communication is critical. I can't ever imagine being in an SM again and not confront what is happening. In other words, I wouldn't make the same decision in the future.
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Post by baza on Jan 4, 2017 20:54:41 GMT -5
It is completely pointless to apply a moral judgement - right or wrong - to this subject.
Cheating is just something that some people do.
You can waste your time, if you want, in giving it a "right" or a "wrong" label, but all you'll be doing is wasting your energy.
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"You" want to cheat ??
Fine with me, as long as you are prepared to wear the consequences of that choice.
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"You" want to refuse sex in your marriage ??
That is a perfectly legitimate choice too, as long as you are prepared to wear the consequences of that choice.
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"You" want to stay in your ILIASM shithole ??
That choice is as valid as any other, but again, you own the consequences of that choice.
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"You" want to end your ILIASM shithole ??
This choice is likewise perfectly valid. And, you own the consequences of that choice.
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In ILIASM shitholes, there is no "right" or "wrong".
What there is, is *choice* and *consequence*
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And the onus of doing the choosing rests squarely with "you".
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Post by novembercomingfire on Jan 4, 2017 21:03:44 GMT -5
I have always been open to the idea of my partner having one or more affairs. This is a suboptimal relationship for us in my mind, but i'll be damned that if i don't do it for her, maybe she could find somone who does. Of course, i would expect reciprocal rights, and that sure as hell wouldn't fly.
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Post by ggold on Jan 4, 2017 21:10:53 GMT -5
I'll admit, there was a time where I judged. No more. There was a time when I said, "I would NEVER!" Now I say, "NEVER say never!"
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Post by nancyb on Jan 4, 2017 22:06:42 GMT -5
I have never been judgemental about people having affairs. I have been guilty of passing judgement for other things however.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 5, 2017 0:53:25 GMT -5
I'll admit, there was a time where I judged. No more. There was a time when I said, "I would NEVER!" Now I say, "NEVER say never!" I agree GGold! Never say never. I think a lot of us here, maybe even most of us, would have at one time said we'd never have an affair. No sane person plans to have affairs when they first get married. And most of us here have practically martyred ourselves by staying sexless and ignored for years upon years before even looking at other people. I don't judge it anymore either. It's a coping mechanism for people who've been systematically starved for love and affection and connection in the one place they should have been getting all of the above. Add kids to the mix and "just get a divorce" is a gross oversimplification that doesn't apply easily. |
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