As we say "Welcome to the group no one wants to be a part of"
I've been married 28 years and in a SM for the past 16. Prior to our marriage and for the first several years we had a wonderful, fulfilling outstanding, fun sex life It still wasn't as often as I wanted but it was at least one or more times a week. Then things started to change dramatically in year 12 of our marriage.
The reason I let it go on so long was because of several things. My wife started telling me that I needed to change certain things about me that annoyed her, or to do more housework or whatever her reason of the month was. And this was AFTER we had been married several years. And STUPID me fell for it. I did and changed exactly what she wanted and guess what? the next time she would bring up SOMETHING NEW. Well I would chase that bone, fetch and bring it back to her, and think "ok now she'll play with me" (pun intended). Guess what? WRONG!!
Then she started having medical problems related to menopause and would tell me we would do it when she was feeling better. Well, STUPID me, I thought OK I can understand that and when she goes to the doctor she will discuss it and work on a solution because she must miss sex as much as I do. (Buzzer sound!) WRONG!!!!!! She decided that she didn't like the options that the doctor offered and she was worried about the risk of cancer with hormone treatment, which would have helped restore her sex drive.
Then the next discussion we had about it, she announced to me that, the sex portion of our marriage is probably over for the most part. She said that it was normal for most couples (sound familiar) for sex to decrease, if not stop, when menopause happens. Wow, I never heard that one when I was took sex ed. in junior high. But to STUPID me, it meant there was still a chance for sex to happen, so I again waited patiently and continued hoping and asking, only to be told No each time.
My self esteem started going down the drain, I felt unloved and unwanted and had gone into a silent depression. Then other worse signs started happening. She no longer wanted me to kiss, cuddle, tease, or hold her. It "bothered" her when I did those things. Why I asked? No answer really, just stupid remarks. Then the affections such as "I love you" and cards on special occasions stopped. When I asked about that the answer was "You should know I love you, I'm still here aren't I?" Ouch!!
For many years she had kept every card I ever gave her. One day I found all of them in the garbage can! I asked her about it and she said, they were taking up space she needed for other stuff! (kick in the balls!)
I started researching if this was normal in long term marriages. I remember my parents having a "roommate" marriage, sleeping in different rooms for many years and not very much affection shown to each other. I started researching sexless marriages and found my way to the Experience Project (EP), and their ILIASM board, which is the predecessor to this group. I started reading about what other people were experiencing and noticed similar situations to mine by other husbands. The shocker to me was that wives were having the same experience. I shook my head and said "What?!" I always wanted a sexually active wife and here were women who were in the same boat I was in. I started to learn all about SMs. The stories I read brought tears to my eyes, especially reading about the women in SMs. I wanted to tell each of them personally that there were men, like me, out there who desired and understand that sex is a VERY IMPORTANT part of marriage. I felt their pain and loneliness.
Then last year when EP shut down and this group started, I decided to join it. I was too scared and ashamed to join the EP group. I decided I needed help and support and could help do the same for others. It changed my life dramatically. I realized that my SM issue (as most are) is not MY problem, but my WIFE'S PROBLEM!! I am normal, I'm allowed to have a sex drive and it is WRONG for her to shut it down in our marriage. So I changed my attitude about myself and about her. I withdrew from her and no longer seek affection or validation from her. I seriously doubt that she and I will ever have the passion, fire and fun we started our relationship with. I no longer seek it or will accept it (not to worry though) from her. And I realized that my attitude is what drives everything. I accept that she is this way now, but I don't have to be. She no longer gets to dictate to me how "I should feel or be"!
I do have options. For me right now, due to financial circumstances and possible future problems with that, I have chosen to stay in the marriage. My wife and I are just "roommates". Her choice. What my future holds I don't know, but I don't rule anything out. And I wake up everyday, with the support of my very special friends here, and press on. Everyday my friends here teach me and I grow with them.
I hope you can do the same. It's painful at times, but we also have fun here and can sometimes laugh about the situations we're in. Read the different forums and you will learn and have lots of "Aha" moments. And good luck! You're started down a trial that many of us have already walked before so we understand.
But remember something very important! YOU ARE IN CHARGE OF YOUR DESTINY! In many cases nothing you do will be easy, whatever you choose. But the choices you make will determine your happiness.
Solo Driver
Sorry for being so long winded. My thoughts just sorta came pouring out as I was writing this.
