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Post by shamwow on Jan 3, 2017 16:42:25 GMT -5
to all - thank you very much for your acknowledgements! we all know that it's a tough thing to deal with - and too often difficult to acknowledge with family and even some close friends, so this forum is wonderful to be able to speak (write) freely and openly about this. FYI - we had our weekly therapy session today and I strongly presented how ridiculous this has been, frustrating, depressing and absolute poison to any marriage. I presented the idea that the best way to move forward (instead of blaming all sorts of various events over the years) is to thoroughly acknowledge this, 'own it' and work specifically on this issue, otherwise I am gone. I suggested our next step is to separate - which finally seemed to get her attention... I told her that I will always love her and have tremendous feelings for her, but that the poison has taken it's toll. Happy New Year to all! The word "separate" or "divorce" will certainly get any spouse's attention...for a little while. However, remember, those words are the nuclear option. Once you let them out, you can't take them back. And if you don't follow through, they lose all meaning in the future. That's why my wife will never hear them out of my mouth until I have all my ducks in a row and am ready to "pull the trigger." I am in the process of arranging ducks now. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 3, 2017 22:16:42 GMT -5
to all - thank you very much for your acknowledgements! we all know that it's a tough thing to deal with - and too often difficult to acknowledge with family and even some close friends, so this forum is wonderful to be able to speak (write) freely and openly about this. FYI - we had our weekly therapy session today and I strongly presented how ridiculous this has been, frustrating, depressing and absolute poison to any marriage. I presented the idea that the best way to move forward (instead of blaming all sorts of various events over the years) is to thoroughly acknowledge this, 'own it' and work specifically on this issue, otherwise I am gone. I suggested our next step is to separate - which finally seemed to get her attention... I told her that I will always love her and have tremendous feelings for her, but that the poison has taken it's toll. Happy New Year to all! The word "separate" or "divorce" will certainly get any spouse's attention...for a little while. However, remember, those words are the nuclear option. Once you let them out, you can't take them back. And if you don't follow through, they lose all meaning in the future. That's why my wife will never hear them out of my mouth until I have all my ducks in a row and am ready to "pull the trigger." I am in the process of arranging ducks now. I am responding to this from my own experience only, others may have had similar things happen. A year ago when we had a failed re-set weekend, my STBX did her normal rejection, manipulative controlling, selfish words and actions. Only I was aware and ready. Without announcing a divorce or anything, I asked my W. Do you still love me? Do you love me at all? She told me, "no, not anymore." That I continue to let her down, that I don't do what's needed for the family, that I don't fill her needs. (Skip to the ending) I told her that I would start planning my exit strategy. Her response? I will not get in your way, I will give you your space.( Her "whatever" attitude, practically gave me a green light, helping to remove the FOG- Fear, Obligation, and Guilt.) Did this get her attention? Did this shred my creed? Not at all, just worthless small talk on the way home. She seemed to be in total denial that there was any problem at all, once again, she was happy and got her way. It was me 6 months later, hiring an attorney and serving the papers. That brought out more of her controller, and one sided behavior. A continues cycle. But with less sting as things improve as the divorce proceeds. |
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Post by richfairy72 on Jan 4, 2017 14:16:53 GMT -5
I agree that the reasons don't matter, but I stupidly remain astonished by the number and depth of the excuses and behavior patterns just to avoid sex. As i routinely (and rhetorically) ask, who the hell doesn't like or want orgasms? I agree - how can anyone not enjoy having sex. It's the nicest thing in the world in my opinion!! |
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Post by richfairy72 on Jan 4, 2017 14:20:50 GMT -5
Not sure if this is going to sound unbelievable, or just another example of what too many here understand as extreme avoidance... I typically start to get ready for bed around 10-10:30, my routine is to always have a good book and read a chapter or 2 before nodding off. Usually up at dawn/first light (especially when I was commuting 1.5 hrs each way to a highly stressful job for the last 20+ years). Kinda normal stuff so far... I fully get that people like their 'alone time' and my wife likes to spend hers until 1-2am (she usually falls asleep on the couch, then gets up to bed 2-2:30). Of course, this means she would then like to sleep until 9am or after, effectively zeroing-out any chance for intimacy, or just being awake in bed together. This would seem reasonable to me if it were a few times/week, and even somewhat understandable if it were 4-5 nights/week. However, (and here's the 'believe it or not' part) this behavior happens 360+ nights/year and has been the standard for well over 10 years now. I got so many excuses about this pattern ever since I started complaining about intimacy issues, the lack of frequency of any sex - and the utter lack of initiating anything playfully. Having brought this up numerous times, with our therapists and directly - she's in denial - saying I'm exaggerating, it's not done on purpose, it's my way to have some control, she's busy with projects, etc., etc., etc... Has anyone ever heard of this type of avoidance that has clearly created a SM just based on sleeping patterns? Of course, there's much more to our story, but this single aspect is infuriating to me for the simple reality of it - and also due to the extreme avoidance of any introspection as to the impact this alone has had on our marriage and taking some type of ownership about it. |
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