Pick a fight - start an argument

Hi irishjohn and welcome to the club😉 I think the more you read and post on here, the more you will realize that we are all, pretty much in the same boat. This realization can be liberating, it can also be heartbreaking. Of course you are feeling resentful - a person can only take so much rejection from the one person that is supposed to give us love, affection, intimacy, etc.

It might be worth speaking to her about the situation in-person. It will be uncomfortable - she will probably get angry. Don't be afraid of her anger, be ready for it. Why should her feelings be protected? Your feelings have been on display for years...... actively ignored no less. Walking on egg shells sucks - I know, I've done this for years and am actively working on my own communication skills (among other things). Being direct, dealing with the fallout of the conversation in a rational manner will give you strength and maybe some dignity. If you can keep it calm..... maybe she will follow your lead..... maybe she won't, but this is a conversation that warrants a face-to-face, imho. As a bonus, you're not stuck waiting for her to decide if/when/how she is going to respond to your text.

"Pick a fight" is a very common tactic employed by avoidant spouses.
It comes under the heading of "pre-emptive" refusal, and operates on the principal of shooting down any possibility of having a root BEFORE any request is actually even made.

An oldie, but a goody in the avoidant spouses bag of tricks.

And, it works well on an ongoing basis. As you say yourself, you - "put up walls as a form of self protection" - which is the exact intent of the whole game. She has educated you not to even ask.

Are you up for doing anything about the situation ?
How far are you prepared to push it ?

I joined a site and found a man in a SM. Sex was incredible, it's amazing what it's like and the effect it has on you when you feel wanted and desired.

Originally I planned to stay and cheat but my marriage was not normal and I wasn't going to sacrifice my life for my kids. We divorced, we co parent, we are friends and it's working. I know there's no cookie cutter solution and everyone's situation is different but sometimes the things we think are not possible are. I don't get to see my kids everyday but I know they are safe and with their dad who loves them.

The fact that you texted her and she didn't answer is very telling and pretty typical of refusers - they are avoidant. I recommend (since you are still willing to have sex with her and I promise the day will come that the resentment will grow so much that you won't) SO...
I would call her out get in her face, she may try to start an argument but tell her you will engage in her argument after you say your peace.
Tell her that at this moment in time you want 2017 to be about intimacy. That the marriage is not normal, sleeping in separate bedrooms is not acceptable and you need sex twice a week. Tell her that you want sex with her but if things don't get better then the day will come when you won't love her romantically and you will no longer want sex with her, and that day is not too far away. Ask her what her solution to your problem is? Honestly I suspect she will tell you to do whatever you want to do as long as it doesn't include her pussy.
In my opinion which means absolutely nothing but I'm going to tell you straight up. Your marriage is a total shithole it's not even a marriage. You have nothing to lose by laying your cards on the table so what if she argues, man up! Tell her your marriage is in crisis and if she doesn't go for some major counseling and learn to love your dick then there are no guarantees and she's entitled to make that choice but at least you know where you stand.
Honestly she will never sexually satisfy you. Have your argument then find your happiness with a different pussy! Sorry for my language I'm in a mood.

Well as I said before, I'm not leaving but I'm prepared to develop a sexual relationship outside of my marriage and I'm telling her that.
She can go fuck herself as she is obviously doing due to the tubes of sex lubricant I found in her bedside locker

Also know the legal repurcussions in your state for having an affair.
Don't ever have an affair with anyone in Mississippi because their spouse can sue you. Hopefully you aren't in Mississippi! Just do your homework before you jump into anything. She obviously has sexuality about her she just doesn't want to share it with you. So lay your cards on the table give her one more chance to have sex and let her know she better make it good! Then if she's not receptive you should not be expected to be celibate.

Please don't forget that as long as you accept things as they are, you are complicit.

That last line... "not an option"......

Be sure you mean it, and have a way to make it happen. The reason I say this is because I know of a few guys who have given ultimatums, only to back down. One guy I know told his wife that after their youngest graduated highschool in 2 years, he would leave if there were no changes. He came back and told the forum, "Well, I got used to it."

Another guy told his wife that celibacy was not an option, and when she threw a full meltdown hissy in the kitchen, including crying and screaming on the floor, he backed down. Nothing changed. 

If you're going to say it, mean it, or you seal your SM.