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Post by itsjustus on May 3, 2016 8:51:27 GMT -5
This resonates with me. "when all it was, was chance". That was me. I did find something amazing, actually on EP, and devastatingly lost it, once again on EP, in the closing moments no less. But I can't say it was anything more than chance, maybe fate if there is such a thing. It just happened. And having lost it, I may be worse off, knowing it's possible. But I'm sure not some shining example to preach the "how to's". So now I'm left to wonder if I'll ever find such a thing again. I'm hopeful, sure, and I think I will. But it's not because I didn't do this or didn't do that. And I wouldn't presume to tell anyone how.... I found it on EP too, and lost it on EP. It was lost before the final moments, but we still had a connection, and he never said goodbye. I think the chance of finding that again is low...very low. Aww, Im so sorry.  I at least had some form of closure, and hard as it is, for that I'll be forever grateful. That connection can be so important in our lives, and I can only imagine the hurt of it ending without so much as an acknowledgement that it existed. Off topic for this thread...while I agree the chance of finding that again is low, I have to be hopeful I can. In that what I found was a woman who was smart, articulate, confident in her place in the outside world, but inside was capable of being loving, affectionate, playful, and not afraid to show her feminine vulnerability. Who wanted me to be, but didn't *need* me to be, "the man" of the relationship. Who wanted it to also be a relationship as an equal human being, regardless of gender. Someone I could trust to have my back as I had hers. As capable of handling life's challenges as me, just a flip of the coin (or mood) on who handled what as those came up. I didn't know that existed outside of movies and novels. I was so naive. But I found that *because* of EP. Thru reading her story's and comments. I found that there are actually a lot of women many who are here, now, who have these qualities. Who share my experiences of living in an intimacy and affection challenged marriage. My person and I found an amazing connection by reading our respective story's and comments first, before we ever sent one PM. I essentially found an attraction to her thoughts and words, her deeper thoughts on what a relationship should be, way before I ever corresponded with her, and fell in love with her in those PM's long before I even met her IRL. That only confirmed our feelings and connection. I have no idea how I could do that outside of a place like this, somewhere without the challenges of long distances and in-equal circumstances that lead to the end. It just.....happened. Much as I hate to agree, the chance of finding that again is low...very low. Sigh.... Jeez...I'm sorry!! This was supposed to be a short, quick reply to you, just saying I know how you feel....I wrote a novel AND it's completely off topic. Maybe I should start another thread in the Post-SM section... |
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Post by Deleted on May 3, 2016 15:43:43 GMT -5
itsjustus No, it's okay. We need to express ourselves, and I completely understand. I know it too. It's just a hard act to follow when you've had such a love. If it ever can be followed.
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Post by petrushka on May 5, 2016 7:56:38 GMT -5
Well I am just talking about sex which is something we are all lacking. It's not really like a man having a cheap hooker because a man has to pay for sex in that example. If a woman wants sex only and nothing else she can easily get it for free. Men who can't afford to pay for it on the other hand, have to deal with soul killing rejection over and over. That's all I'm saying. Women have the choice to seek sex with others, many men do not. I've had similar conversations with many women on different sexless marriage sites over the years and I always refute this "if I can't have it all I don't want any" with the following sexual metaphor. A starving man on death's door is offered a plain piece toast and eats it thankfully. A starving woman also near death is offered the same piece of dry toast and she says "no thanks, not unless you butter it, give me two eggs over easy on the side, bacon, hash brown potatoes, fresh brewed coffee and fresh fruit with cream for desert. I suspect if the woman goes without food for long enough that piece of dry toast may actually start to look pretty good. And don't kid yourself, long term sexual loneliness can kill you as sure as starvation can. I disagree with you. You think a woman does not feel soul destroying rejection? I can vouch that they most certainly do. For 25-years, I did. It's never just about the sex...not for me at least. Most women – unlike men want/need more than pure animalistic sex, just to get their rocks off. I'm not going to argue with you about men or women hurt more...in fact if I were to argue, I'd say it's easier for a man to get sex because men can very easily separate sex and love, whereas most women don't compartmentalize sex and love the way men do. I can't just go get sex. I can't. It's against all my values, and would make me feel like a cheap slut, which would make me feel worse than I already do. You cannot separate sex and affection in my case. Plus what man in his right mind would want sex with a woman of my age. No, you can't make this all about men's pain. Women feel pain just as much, in fact more because how humiliating for a woman to be rejected for sex. Jasiri, do you seriously think a man does not feel rejection as soul destroying? (we're not talking about insensitive bulldozers of either gender here - they just steam onwards) What makes you think it's 'just about the sex' for sensitive, intelligent men? What makes you say that 'men can very easily separate sex and love'? I don't know if I should laugh or cry: I am obviously not a real man as you see them. If I don't have a bond, much affection and a great deal of trust and respect, I can't even get it up. Are you sure you know better? What woman in her right mind would want sex with a man of my age? Yes, I do wonder that. Gravity certainly has taken its toll on me ... We are all human for fucks' sakes. We all, to varying degrees, are sensitive, and feel pain. Yes, some are more sensitive than others. I hesitate to draw that line along gender lines. |
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Post by Deleted on May 5, 2016 13:00:20 GMT -5
I disagree with you. You think a woman does not feel soul destroying rejection? I can vouch that they most certainly do. For 25-years, I did. It's never just about the sex...not for me at least. Most women – unlike men want/need more than pure animalistic sex, just to get their rocks off. I'm not going to argue with you about men or women hurt more...in fact if I were to argue, I'd say it's easier for a man to get sex because men can very easily separate sex and love, whereas most women don't compartmentalize sex and love the way men do. I can't just go get sex. I can't. It's against all my values, and would make me feel like a cheap slut, which would make me feel worse than I already do. You cannot separate sex and affection in my case. Plus what man in his right mind would want sex with a woman of my age. No, you can't make this all about men's pain. Women feel pain just as much, in fact more because how humiliating for a woman to be rejected for sex. Jasiri, do you seriously think a man does not feel rejection as soul destroying? (we're not talking about insensitive bulldozers of either gender here - they just steam onwards) What makes you think it's 'just about the sex' for sensitive, intelligent men? What makes you say that 'men can very easily separate sex and love'? I don't know if I should laugh or cry: I am obviously not a real man as you see them. If I don't have a bond, much affection and a great deal of trust and respect, I can't even get it up. Are you sure you know better? What woman in her right mind would want sex with a man of my age? Yes, I do wonder that. Gravity certainly has taken its toll on me ... We are all human for fucks' sakes. We all, to varying degrees, are sensitive, and feel pain. Yes, some are more sensitive than others. I hesitate to draw that line along gender lines. You have read my comment all wrong, Petrushka. This was not me attacking men but defending women. It was my response to a comment that men feel soul destroying pain as though women don't just because the writer though sex in itself would be the antidote to pain for a women. I'm sorry you misunderstood my intent. |
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Post by Deleted on May 5, 2016 13:04:13 GMT -5
What makes you think it's 'just about the sex' for sensitive, intelligent men? What makes you say that 'men can very easily separate sex and love'? of course we can't generalise and I don't know how @carissimi reached her conclusion, but coincidentally it corresponds with mine! In my post-SM experience, while I certainly couldn't separate between sex and love, this particular Man could and did. Lucky me... *laughs ironically at self*It was my response to a comment that men had it harder than women. I even said we can't get into an argument about who feels the most pain. Some have taken this as an attack on men when it was my response to an attack on women. I give up. Sometimes writing here is more trouble than it's worth when people take what I say out of context. |
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Post by itsjustus on May 6, 2016 11:46:21 GMT -5
I think you're whole thread got a little sidetracked on men vs. women with jasonl's comments. While I think all humans feel the pain of rejection, intimate or otherwise, I think we all have our own idea's of what's acceptable to ease that, whether it's raw un-caring sex, or real intimacy with a connection. I think most of us are here because of our lack of connection and intimacy in marriage, so I don't see the "just getting some" as a generalized solution in this group. I love the people in this group (and former EP group) because of their compassion and concern. But most importantly....back to the original intent of your thread...I'm not in a position, nor do I want to be, to say how one gets to that solution. The "do this or do that". And I'm glad that there isn't a lot of that here. I really appreciate you bringing that up. It's something that needed to be discussed. Thanks for taking the trouble to do it, I got a lot out of it!  |
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Post by Deleted on May 8, 2016 0:48:22 GMT -5
It probably is easier for women to find men to have sex with them.......but not many of those men are the type who women actually want to have sex with! That stings, they are guys like me |
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I at least had some form of closure, and hard as it is, for that I'll be forever grateful. That connection can be so important in our lives, and I can only imagine the hurt of it ending without so much as an acknowledgement that it existed. 
