It's been a while...and I'm long winded
Jan 2, 2017 0:33:52 GMT -5
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DryCreek, jim44444, and 2 more like this
Post by litnerd on Jan 2, 2017 0:33:52 GMT -5
I've been mostly avoiding interaction outside of with a few friends and family. I tend to keep to myself at the end of my pregnancies, and then adjusting to life with a newborn is always a roller coaster (adding the holidays was also super fun). I deleted social media apps from my phone today because they've done almost nothing but feed my depression and anxiety.
I had my baby in early November. He was perfectly healthy and a respectable 9 lbs and 22". He's now 8 weeks old and wearing 6-9 month sized clothing.
Prior to his birth, my marriage was actually improving. Sexlessness aside, H had been making efforts to show affection in ways that were more apparent to me. He took 4 weeks off of work when baby was born, and it was the only paternity leave of 3 that didn't leave me feeling homicidal by the time he returned to work. I'm sure it helped that there was no expectation of sex since I didn't see my doctor again until 6 weeks postpartum, but H was also helpful, kind, and supportive. The only disagreement we had was whether or not this was our last baby. He wants another one and, despite how it kills me to know that I'm effectively destroying the only reason he'd willingly have sex with me, I don't want to be pregnant again. Since I've had extreme reactions to every hormonal form of birth control and have a bad negative reaction to general anesthesia, I want him
to get a vasectomy. He doesn't want to (I'm still not convinced that his reason for wanting another kid is to avoid the snip, but he did tell me when we were dating that he wanted a lot of kids).
I'm a big birth and breastfeeding advocate (one of the big reasons I love breastfeeding is because it obliterates my libido for upwards of a year), and nursing this baby has had quite a few challenges. I actually have an appointment this week to see a dentist who can cut baby's lip (and possible tongue) tie. Because nursing is painful and inefficient, I spend A LOT of time on the couch. When I'm not nursing the baby (who also doesn't like to sleep unless he's on me), I'm attempting to keep the 4.5 and 3 year old alive. This means that dinners often consist of sandwiches and boxed mac & cheese. And that very little cleaning is taking place while he's working 60 hour weeks and I'm trying to survive.
Today, I was informed that all I do is sit around and let the kids do whatever they want. This was after I busted my ass for 2 days with a pulled back muscle to make sure we had good snacks and alcohol for our first NYE together. He had been excited about not working NYE or the next morning (we've never spent NYE together in our relationship because of his work schedule), but apparently something changed. I kept the kids at my in laws' until H was off work, so they'd fall asleep on the way home. Long story short, he fell asleep on the couch at 9:15. I took the baby and went to bed, where H decided to join us (he's been sleeping on the couch because he freaks out about having the baby in our bed, and I can't always stay awake enough to transfer baby back to his cosleeper after a feed). Of course, baby wanted to nurse all night, so ended up staying in our bed most of the night last night...and H woke up pissed. If I didn't know better, I'd think he wanted sex.
Because of child care issues, I had to cancel my last 3 therapy sessions before the baby, and I haven't been able to conquer my anxiety to make the call and go back. Next week, I lose my "go-to" sitter because my mom will be staying with my teenage sister who's having a bone marrow transplant and will be gone for several months (the BMT team have said they're optimistically looking at 6 months before my sister can come home). I'm sure the lack of therapy isn't helping my dreadful view of life in general, but talking about plans to possibly finish my degree and work towards a career that wouldn't suck my soul dry with my best friend of 16 years has helped. I just have to convince H that going back to school is a good idea. And without saying things like "I need to be able to support myself."
I had my baby in early November. He was perfectly healthy and a respectable 9 lbs and 22". He's now 8 weeks old and wearing 6-9 month sized clothing.
Prior to his birth, my marriage was actually improving. Sexlessness aside, H had been making efforts to show affection in ways that were more apparent to me. He took 4 weeks off of work when baby was born, and it was the only paternity leave of 3 that didn't leave me feeling homicidal by the time he returned to work. I'm sure it helped that there was no expectation of sex since I didn't see my doctor again until 6 weeks postpartum, but H was also helpful, kind, and supportive. The only disagreement we had was whether or not this was our last baby. He wants another one and, despite how it kills me to know that I'm effectively destroying the only reason he'd willingly have sex with me, I don't want to be pregnant again. Since I've had extreme reactions to every hormonal form of birth control and have a bad negative reaction to general anesthesia, I want him
to get a vasectomy. He doesn't want to (I'm still not convinced that his reason for wanting another kid is to avoid the snip, but he did tell me when we were dating that he wanted a lot of kids).
I'm a big birth and breastfeeding advocate (one of the big reasons I love breastfeeding is because it obliterates my libido for upwards of a year), and nursing this baby has had quite a few challenges. I actually have an appointment this week to see a dentist who can cut baby's lip (and possible tongue) tie. Because nursing is painful and inefficient, I spend A LOT of time on the couch. When I'm not nursing the baby (who also doesn't like to sleep unless he's on me), I'm attempting to keep the 4.5 and 3 year old alive. This means that dinners often consist of sandwiches and boxed mac & cheese. And that very little cleaning is taking place while he's working 60 hour weeks and I'm trying to survive.
Today, I was informed that all I do is sit around and let the kids do whatever they want. This was after I busted my ass for 2 days with a pulled back muscle to make sure we had good snacks and alcohol for our first NYE together. He had been excited about not working NYE or the next morning (we've never spent NYE together in our relationship because of his work schedule), but apparently something changed. I kept the kids at my in laws' until H was off work, so they'd fall asleep on the way home. Long story short, he fell asleep on the couch at 9:15. I took the baby and went to bed, where H decided to join us (he's been sleeping on the couch because he freaks out about having the baby in our bed, and I can't always stay awake enough to transfer baby back to his cosleeper after a feed). Of course, baby wanted to nurse all night, so ended up staying in our bed most of the night last night...and H woke up pissed. If I didn't know better, I'd think he wanted sex.
Because of child care issues, I had to cancel my last 3 therapy sessions before the baby, and I haven't been able to conquer my anxiety to make the call and go back. Next week, I lose my "go-to" sitter because my mom will be staying with my teenage sister who's having a bone marrow transplant and will be gone for several months (the BMT team have said they're optimistically looking at 6 months before my sister can come home). I'm sure the lack of therapy isn't helping my dreadful view of life in general, but talking about plans to possibly finish my degree and work towards a career that wouldn't suck my soul dry with my best friend of 16 years has helped. I just have to convince H that going back to school is a good idea. And without saying things like "I need to be able to support myself."
!!! I can't believe he dares to say that. It is incredible what you do, he should be proud of you and supporting.
