Am I the only one?

I avoid the homestead too.... I have thought about going to the beach tonight, it is a full moon after all and I would be all alone with my camera. But instead I decided to look through here.

I stayed in my bedroom a lot. My ex husband stayed downstairs until very, very late at night. That way he was sure I was asleep as I left the house early for work. 

This has been one of the biggest things for me. Yes, I have been avoiding it like crazy. I would take the long way home after dropping the kids at school, desperately hoping that would buy me some time for him to leave the house for work.

The feeling of relief when I would open the garage door and not see his car there....
When his car was there, sitting in my car scrolling my phone and getting lost in my music just to stall going inside the house....
When we were both home, hanging out in separate rooms of the house just to avoid each other....
Doing my workout either in that separate room or escaping to the park ever since the spring weather hit....
Moving out to the sofa in the wee hours of the morning because I didn't like him being in the bed next to me....
Come to think of it, spending pretty much every moment of my existence trying to escape him in one way or another.

So yes, I have been avoiding the homestead because I associate it with him, and even when I have to be home, I'm still trying to escape. This morning marks my third day in a row of not feeling like I need to escape. The third day in a row since his sorry ass went to a hotel. This feeling is keeping me going right now. Amongst the stress of the hellish divorce process that lies ahead and being hurled into single motherhood and the well-meaning Christian friends (not many of them who hold this position, thank God) who try to bitch-slap me into staying in this nightmare. Who misuse Bible verses and ask questions like, "What is God speaking to your heart right now?" God is telling me to take care of my babies and GTFO of this abusive marriage, and that I can trust Him to take care of us. That's what God is "speaking to my heart", perhaps without the expletive.

And btw, isn't it interesting--the kids, while expressing that they want Dad to be okay and get help, have not once asked to see him nor begged for him to come home.

I was never able to avoid going home since I was the one there taking care of the kids, etc. But I remember the feeling of dread as 6:30 drew closer, knowing he would walk through the door and the long miserable evening would begin. A good friend suggested that I save all my shopping and errands until the evening so I would be able to avoid him as much as possible - genius! When I was home, I generally talked on the phone to friends in a different room or used my laptop as a shield.

Before I left, I never left my office before 6 pm. And I would try to avoid her just to not be criticized. If I was watching TV, she would come in & demand that I change the channel. It is really nice to have my own home.

You are not the only one. This comes in waves for me. There are times when I want to run away completely, and other times when I hurry home, because I want to hang out with her.
For the last year, I have had only one job, at her request to stay home more. I am now looking for job #2 again, mostly because of finances, but damn I am bored. We dont go out, and we dont 'stay in'...anybody remember when the 'I would rather stay in' thing meant you were gettin some? Miss that.
So, yeah, we all have our own ways of coping.

I do that. The bedroom is now mine as the roommate has chosen to sleep elsewhere. So when he's home, I often retreat there after kiddos in bed. 

That said, my grandparents shared a house; grandpa upstairs, grandma downstairs. She'd come up to cook. My aunt also lived there. When dinner was ready, grandma would say to whomever was near, "tell him supper is ready." Even if he was in the room. They stopped speaking to one another some point. 

I definitely don't want to be like them.