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Post by thebaffledking on Dec 27, 2016 9:33:23 GMT -5
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Post by bballgirl on Dec 27, 2016 9:52:05 GMT -5
Great article. I agree with all of it. All of my sex is pretty much scheduled and the quality is great! I'm all for scheduling sex and then texting to build up the anticipation and arousal. The key is having a willing partner. I tried sexy texting my ex but he wasn't receptive. It was very bad, debilitating to me mentally and emotionally. I had no choice but to leave.
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Post by bballgirl on Dec 31, 2016 15:58:36 GMT -5
bballgirl , My W is dead set against the idea. And I don't get that stance. With two kids, jobs, mortgage, friends, playdates, chores, errands, etc...how the F are you supposed to have time for sex magically appear? Seems like it's just another way to avoid it. We're not so spontaneous with the rest of our lives--"Oh, let's just see if we feel like making dinner tonight or not", "I don't really feel like scheduling time to go to work today". Setting time together is sexy. But you can't be averse to setting in on a calendar. Doing that just means it's important to you, and an obligation you will keep. I agree 100% Today I messaged my FWB and told him I don't have the kids the next 3 days and to let me know if he can come over. It is avoidant behavior to not make it a priority. Really she is not making your relationship a priority. |
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Post by novembercomingfire on Dec 31, 2016 16:03:19 GMT -5
Great article. I agree with all of it. All of my sex is pretty much scheduled and the quality is great! I'm all for scheduling sex and then texting to build up the anticipation and arousal. The key is having a willing partner. I tried sexy texting my ex but he wasn't receptive. It was very bad, debilitating to me mentally and emotionally. I had no choice but to leave. I am beginning to think (yes, beginning - apparently I am a dullard) that there isn't anything more than this: "the key is having a willing partner." Scheduled or unscheduled, sex or no sex depends only on whether one actually wants sex. Willingness is of course critical to starting the conversation, the work, etc. However, and as the universe seems to need to keep reminding me, willingness to engage the problem does not mean willingness to actually change. Particularly when you you can't. Asexuality simply is what it is. |
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Post by Rhapsodee on Dec 31, 2016 16:11:50 GMT -5
Great article. I agree with all of it. All of my sex is pretty much scheduled and the quality is great! I'm all for scheduling sex and then texting to build up the anticipation and arousal. The key is having a willing partner. I tried sexy texting my ex but he wasn't receptive. It was very bad, debilitating to me mentally and emotionally. I had no choice but to leave. I had the opposite. My hub likes sexual banter but not sexting. He would have been repulsed if I sent any kind of naked photos. He considers any kind of exhibitionism disgusting. I stopped all of it because there was no followthrough. All it did was make me angry and depressed. I'm happier not expecting anything from him. |
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Post by beachguy on Dec 31, 2016 16:18:11 GMT -5
Yes, a willing partner is key. These sex help articles are directed at another audience.
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Post by solodriver on Dec 31, 2016 17:04:52 GMT -5
Great article. I agree with all of it. All of my sex is pretty much scheduled and the quality is great! I'm all for scheduling sex and then texting to build up the anticipation and arousal. The key is having a willing partner. I tried sexy texting my ex but he wasn't receptive. It was very bad, debilitating to me mentally and emotionally. I had no choice but to leave. I had the opposite. My hub likes sexual banter but not sexting. He would have been repulsed if I sent any kind of naked photos. He considers any kind of exhibitionism disgusting. I stopped all of it because there was no followthrough. All it did was make me angry and depressed. I'm happier not expecting anything from him. The very last time I tired to initiate any kind of sexual excitement for my wife was about 3 years ago. I sent a pic of me without my shirt on, just out of the shower, to her phone. She called me very angry that I had done that. After the phone call I was depressed for several days and did not even speak to her.
I never tried to do anything like that and will not with her again. I haven't expected anything from her and I'm not depressed or disappointed about it anymore. Sex for us is now just a distant memory.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 3, 2017 11:26:05 GMT -5
bballgirl , My W is dead set against the idea. And I don't get that stance. With two kids, jobs, mortgage, friends, playdates, chores, errands, etc...how the F are you supposed to have time for sex magically appear? Seems like it's just another way to avoid it. We're not so spontaneous with the rest of our lives--"Oh, let's just see if we feel like making dinner tonight or not", "I don't really feel like scheduling time to go to work today". Setting time together is sexy. But you can't be averse to setting in on a calendar. Doing that just means it's important to you, and an obligation you will keep. Unfortunately, that is the view of many refusers. They won't schedule because they want things to "just happen." But then things never do happen, and they don't see a problem. |
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Post by beachguy on Jan 3, 2017 11:37:47 GMT -5
bballgirl , My W is dead set against the idea. And I don't get that stance. With two kids, jobs, mortgage, friends, playdates, chores, errands, etc...how the F are you supposed to have time for sex magically appear? Seems like it's just another way to avoid it. We're not so spontaneous with the rest of our lives--"Oh, let's just see if we feel like making dinner tonight or not", "I don't really feel like scheduling time to go to work today". Setting time together is sexy. But you can't be averse to setting in on a calendar. Doing that just means it's important to you, and an obligation you will keep. Unfortunately, that is the view of many refusers. They won't schedule because they want things to "just happen." But then things never do happen, and they don't see a problem. Or maybe they don't want things to happen. They're not just avoiding sex, they're avoiding conflict over it. If they get sucked into a commitment they know they will break, that leads to conflict. No commitment, no sex, and no conflict since most of us are trained not to start that conflict very often. |
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Post by novembercomingfire on Jan 3, 2017 13:56:37 GMT -5
Unfortunately, that is the view of many refusers. They won't schedule because they want things to "just happen." But then things never do happen, and they don't see a problem. Or maybe they don't want things to happen. They're not just avoiding sex, they're avoiding conflict over it. If they get sucked into a commitment they know they will break, that leads to conflict. No commitment, no sex, and no conflict since most of us are trained not to start that conflict very often. Ho hum, yet more avoidance. And then it gets better when the refuser tries to flip the issue. "No, you are being avoidant ...". Ie, avoiding more emotional connection, work, earning potential, acts of fucking service ... |
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Post by beachguy on Jan 3, 2017 16:15:57 GMT -5
Or maybe they don't want things to happen. They're not just avoiding sex, they're avoiding conflict over it. If they get sucked into a commitment they know they will break, that leads to conflict. No commitment, no sex, and no conflict since most of us are trained not to start that conflict very often. Ho hum, yet more avoidance. And then it gets better when the refuser tries to flip the issue. "No, you are being avoidant ...". Ie, avoiding more emotional connection, work, earning potential, acts of fucking service ... AKA the You're Simply Not Good Enough To Fuck strategy. My STBX leveraged that into a year of marriage counseling devoted to that subject. With the counsellors backing her up all the way. After, it couldn't have been her fault, right? |
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Post by shamwow on Jan 3, 2017 16:18:09 GMT -5
Ho hum, yet more avoidance. And then it gets better when the refuser tries to flip the issue. "No, you are being avoidant ...". Ie, avoiding more emotional connection, work, earning potential, acts of fucking service ... AKA the You're Simply Not Good Enough To Fuck strategy. My STBX leveraged that into a year of marriage counseling devoted to that subject. With the counsellors backing her up all the way. After, it couldn't have been her fault, right? Can you give some examples of what the counselor said to back that up? The reason I ask is that I'm about to propose we start counseling and want to know what booby traps (pun intended) to be on the alert for. |
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