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Post by wom360 on Dec 29, 2016 10:52:17 GMT -5
When they want you to fuck someone else, they no longer love you. It's over. Whatever you're doing now is just prolonging it.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 29, 2016 12:05:11 GMT -5
So that I don't get repetitive, I will just say this: What obobfla said. He nailed it, IMHO. |
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Post by csl on Dec 29, 2016 13:38:56 GMT -5
So we had a talk about the feedback I got here and I told her she should get her own therapist as well as going into couples therapy: it looks like we are going in the right direction, but I'm not getting my hopes up just yet. In stead of starting with birth control again, she asked me to get condoms just in case and I agreed. I hope she won't feel forced to do anything this way: as stated by some of you, it might work adversely. She did attempt to make out with me and I responded, but I didn't get those gushy feelings in my heart and belly: I still went along with it. I let her set the boundaries as to not pressurize her: so we only kissed. It is a start, but not feeling anything scared me a little... 1 - BC pills!! Why aren't people talking about BC pills on this board? One of the most common libido killer in women are those &*#$@ BC pills! Guys, understand that condoms are your friends, in more ways than one. 2 - Yes, it's a start. But it doesn't have to be the end. |
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Post by Deleted on Dec 30, 2016 4:25:40 GMT -5
Refuser or refused, it matters not. in the almost two decades I have been visiting Sexless Marriage websites including Yuku, the very first one, and many years on EP, I never heard anyone say this before. Nice to finally hear (read) it. |
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Post by baza on Dec 30, 2016 5:35:50 GMT -5
Seems like basic common sense to me Brother dannyc.
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If your marriage has degenerated to a typical shithole - as seen here time after time - it doesn't make a blind bit of difference any more whether you are the refuser or the refused, whether you are in the right or the wrong, whether you are blameful or blameless.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 30, 2016 23:44:01 GMT -5
Seems like basic common sense to me Brother dannyc. - If your marriage has degenerated to a typical shithole - as seen here time after time - it doesn't make a blind bit of difference any more whether you are the refuser or the refused, whether you are in the right or the wrong, whether you are blameful or blameless. I just wish people on these SM discussion groups felt the same way. The anti Refuser bias can be very nasty. People don't realize that although some Refusers have no interest in sex at all, by far the majority want sex, just not with their spouse and so are suffering in a sexless marriage just like those who have been refused. I've tried to explain this many times over the years but it tends to fall on deaf ears. |
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Post by unmatched on Dec 31, 2016 10:49:55 GMT -5
Seems like basic common sense to me Brother dannyc. - If your marriage has degenerated to a typical shithole - as seen here time after time - it doesn't make a blind bit of difference any more whether you are the refuser or the refused, whether you are in the right or the wrong, whether you are blameful or blameless. I just wish people on these SM discussion groups felt the same way. The anti Refuser bias can be very nasty. People don't realize that although some Refusers have no interest in sex at all, by far the majority want sex, just not with their spouse and so are suffering in a sexless marriage just like those who have been refused. I've tried to explain this many times over the years but it tends to fall on deaf ears. I think you are in an unusual situation though because you are very upfront about how you feel and why. The vast majority of refusers on here are pretty clear that they don't actually want to have sex with their partners, but they obfuscate just enough to keep you hanging on and guessing and hoping that things might change. OK, this is down to us refused being stupid and thickheaded, but it is very rare to find a refuser who will actually say, 'I really don't want to fuck you ever again. Do you still want to stay married or not?' |
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Post by Deleted on Dec 31, 2016 17:22:31 GMT -5
Everybody is different. I think most Refusers who want sex simply don't want to ask for the open marriage option because they fear being told no way and having to put up with the flack for just having asked the question, so they keep quiet.
The one reason I am so open about the difficulties my wife and I were having is all the years of therapy. Everything got brought up and talked about in detail. Granted in the 6 months between when we married and when we started therapy things were difficult but that was because neither of us knew the cause of the problem and she naturally blamed herself as did many, if not most of the women I dated in the 20 years before I met my wife.
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ieqs
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Post by ieqs on Jan 13, 2017 22:51:40 GMT -5
Several excruciating weeks down the road and still my wife has not taken any action as agreed upon.
My therapist told me to pursue her: to let her know how important it is to have our SM be fixed. But to no avail.
I'm exhibiting the same symptoms I had while being severely depressef snd I do not like where this is going.
Day by day, I am getting more frustrated and passive aggressive.
I'm even considering watching porn while she is in bed with me in stead of going to bed early to masturbate.
I even want to stop gaming with my friends...
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Post by baza on Jan 13, 2017 23:01:11 GMT -5
If you have a red hot go at sorting your shit out with a therapist, you should be able to bring the best possible version of ieqs to the table.
If Mrs ieqs has a red hot go at sorting her shit out with a therapist, she should be able to bring the best possible version of herself to the table.
Then, these best possible versions of you, and your missus, may, with the help of a skilled marital counsellor, be able to get to the truth of your marriage and find out whether it has legs, or whether it is a lost cause.
There's a lot of hard work ahead of you, and *you* are the only part of the picture that *you* control. So that's where to start.
Addendum (in light of your comment above).
It would now appear the Mrs ieqs isn't greatly interested in bringing the best possible version of herself to the table, so I'd scrub the idea of marital therapy - it will be useless given her attitude.
It would still be a good idea for you to sort your shit out though, and bring the best possible version of ieqs to the fore. It may not have any value in your marriage, but it may well have value out in the wider world.
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Post by eternaloptimism on Jan 14, 2017 3:50:14 GMT -5
Several excruciating weeks down the road and still my wife has not taken any action as agreed upon. My therapist told me to pursue her: to let her know how important it is to have our SM be fixed. But to no avail. I'm exhibiting the same symptoms I had while being severely depressef snd I do not like where this is going. Day by day, I am getting more frustrated and passive aggressive. I'm even considering watching porn while she is in bed with me in stead of going to bed early to masturbate. I even want to stop gaming with my friends... Sadly it seems your wife is cut from the same cloth as the vast majority of our refusers in that she will give you enough hope to stick around... but won't take any action to improve things between you. You really need to accept that that is her choice. You are in charge of you, she is in charge of herself. You have different priorities. She is not prepared to work on things, and you can't do it alone! dont keep torturing yourself. Accept it and look forward to changing your own life for the better. It's hard. Really fucking hard. But you have to go through this in order to move on. Sending you love and strength x |
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Post by novembercomingfire on Jan 14, 2017 8:39:31 GMT -5
Several excruciating weeks down the road and still my wife has not taken any action as agreed upon. My therapist told me to pursue her: to let her know how important it is to have our SM be fixed. But to no avail. I'm exhibiting the same symptoms I had while being severely depressef snd I do not like where this is going. Day by day, I am getting more frustrated and passive aggressive. I'm even considering watching porn while she is in bed with me in stead of going to bed early to masturbate. I even want to stop gaming with my friends... Sadly it seems your wife is cut from the same cloth as the vast majority of our refusers in that she will give you enough hope to stick around... but won't take any action to improve things between you. You really need to accept that that is her choice. You are in charge of you, she is in charge of herself. You have different priorities. She is not prepared to work on things, and you can't do it alone! dont keep torturing yourself. Accept it and look forward to changing your own life for the better. It's hard. Really fucking hard. But you have to go through this in order to move on. Sending you love and strength x This. |
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