ieqs
New Member
Posts: 5 
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Post by ieqs on Dec 27, 2016 4:31:46 GMT -5
Hi,
I have been a lurker for the last couple of weeks now and I feel I am ready to share my story.
I met my wife almost six years ago and I did my utter best to get into a relationship with her. We decided to get married, even though signs of my depression surfaced: I started to see a psychologist and take an anti-depressant: it started to have a direct impact on my physical and emotional affection towards my wife, resulting in less sex.
My mental health started dwindling to the extent of me getting bad work appraisals and being forced to quit my job by my boss just a few days after getting married. My mental health got a big hit due to not being believed I was in a depression: I mentally hit rock bottom and could not be intimate anymore.
I took legal help to retain my job, while taking the time to get better from the depression. My wife has been the pillar in this recovery process even though she was going through a rough patch herself with me not being me anymore: without her I might have attempted suicide more than once.
Finally, 2 years ago I won the legal issue with my boss and was also ready to start working again: my life was going upwards again with my loving wife and awesome (same) job.
I also started to get my sex drive back, which always has been very high when not being depressed. However, my wife was not ready to be intimate again: she herself had suffered many rejections from me during my depression and quit being physically intimate altogether. Acknowledging this was all caused by me, I decided to wait for her to get ready: she had been so supportive, this was the least I could do.
Fast forward to the present: till date we haven't even french kissed and I am on a breaking point once again. Only this time due to being in a SM. I love my wife dearly, but I cannot go on like this. We have talked about the SM a couple of times, but nothing changed so I started to being clear that I cannot cope with the situation anymore. She feels helpless as I have changed a lot due to the whole ordeal and asks for time and even suggested multiple times me having my sexual desires fulfilled elsewhere. This is not an option for me and nor do I want to hurt my wife by doing so which I told her. She acknowledged this would indeed hurt her, but this seems to be the only solution now.
After having numerous talks with her about our SM and not seeing a solution and reading here, I have decided that divorce is the way to go. I mentioned it carefully in our talks, but not as being a definitive outcome: she wants to try being intimate again, but I don't want to even try anymore.
Everything I do is affected by the SM and I don't want to end up in a depression again with fear of losing my job and health.
I love my wife, but I cannot keep going on like this: I cannot curb down my sex drive anymore. Seeing all our relatives during the holidays only makes it tougher to get a divorce: societal pressure and guilt of her being there for me when I need her most are weighing me down heavily.
I need advice and help...
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Post by Lithium92 on Dec 27, 2016 5:23:42 GMT -5
It sounds like she came to see herself as carer rather than wife and is having a hard time going back to wife, in addition to getting over the hurt of all those rejections. It may be too late to repair.
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Post by tamara68 on Dec 27, 2016 5:40:25 GMT -5
Hi ieqs,
Welcome here! You are in a bad situation but you have found the right place to share your story with people who get it.
It sounds to me that you have been dealing with your problems with depression and work very well. With any problem, looking for help and solutions is the way to go according to me. You took care of your problems, it would be reasonable to ask the same of her.
I can understand how difficult it has been for your wife to put up with your depression and loss of intimacy. I can also understand that it is very difficult to change that around.
Probably both of you are loving people but unfortunately that is not all it takes to be the right match for each other.
What to me has been very striking after reading all the stories here in iliasm, is the common theme: the refused are willing to do something about the situation, willing to give and to work on themselves but the refusers don't. They have gotten comfortable in the situation as it is and are not willing to do anything about themselves.
If your wife is not willing or capable of solving her part of the issue, there is no future for your relation.
Have you suggested to her to see a therapist? Maybe it is worth to try. If it works, that would be great. If it doesn't work at least you know you have tried everything.
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ieqs
New Member
Posts: 5
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Post by ieqs on Dec 27, 2016 5:54:34 GMT -5
Wow, didn't hope to find replies already: thank you very much!
I have multiple times talked about couples therapy, sex therapist, her getting a therapist as well but she has not taken any steps like getting a better health care package that covers most of the expenses. She also doesn't want to take the pill again and asked me to get condoms. I agreed but let her know that she will have to do her share as well.
Last week, she even said that couples therapy would probably result in a divorce: something she does not want.
She also told me she cannot trust me since I have changed a lot as a person. However, we both agree that therapy has helped me a lot in becoming stronger and more resilient when it comes to being pushed around and doing things I really do not want to..
Sharing my story here and getting the responses so far has already made me feel a bit better: it isn't only in my head anymore.
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Post by baza on Dec 27, 2016 6:18:32 GMT -5
Refuser or refused, it matters not.
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She's been both, and now so have you.
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You say you have - "decided that divorce is the way to go."
That is a perfectly valid choice.
As is staying, as is cheating.
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It would be smart to see a lawyer in your jurisdiction to establish how you might respectfully achieve this choice.
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Post by tamara68 on Dec 27, 2016 7:40:55 GMT -5
Wow, didn't hope to find replies already: thank you very much! I have multiple times talked about couples therapy, sex therapist, her getting a therapist as well but she has not taken any steps like getting a better health care package that covers most of the expenses. She also doesn't want to take the pill again and asked me to get condoms. I agreed but let her know that she will have to do her share as well. Last week, she even said that couples therapy would probably result in a divorce: something she does not want. She also told me she cannot trust me since I have changed a lot as a person. However, we both agree that therapy has helped me a lot in becoming stronger and more resilient when it comes to being pushed around and doing things I really do not want to.. Sharing my story here and getting the responses so far has already made me feel a bit better: it isn't only in my head anymore. It is good you have let her know she has to do her share as well, but it seems that she doesn't realize she really has to do something now. It is understandable she is afraid, but avoiding therapy isn't going to solve anything. You could try to make clear to hear that you understand her fear and her feelings but if she doesn't want a divorce she and you will have to take the chance of trying therapies. There is no guarantee for success. But doing nothing as she seems to prefer, is a guarantee for failure. If that doesn't get her to do something, probably nothing will. I am glad you feel better about sharing your story. You are not the only one, that's for sure. |
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Post by bballgirl on Dec 27, 2016 7:56:49 GMT -5
Welcome. I'm sorry you find yourself here but it's a supportive group and can be very helpful. You say that you no longer are able to have sex with your wife and I get that after years of rejection I couldn't either, so I get it. You said you still love your wife. I think my question for you is - Are you still in love with her? If the answer is yes then you both owe it to each other to try to be intimate again. Maybe change the location, get a hotel, a weekend getaway.
Divorce and starting over isn't easy. If you are still in love then start dating each other. Dating strangers is not easy, it can be fun and exciting especially at first but not easy to find "the one".
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Post by unmatched on Dec 27, 2016 8:04:37 GMT -5
It reads to me like there is a huge amount of 'undercurrent' in your relationship. First you refused her and she eventually got hurt and upset to the point where she didn't want it either. Then your drive came back and she couldn't let it go and move forward. So you got all hurt and upset. Then threatened with divorce she wants to try again and you can't let it go and try to move forward. I wonder if the two of you desperately need some kind of therapy environment where you can just lay out everything you feel in a safe space and see what your real feelings are for each other. It is a risk - you don't know what might come out of it. But you have been there for each other through enough shit in the last few years. It has to be worth a try.
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Post by JonDoe on Dec 27, 2016 8:59:11 GMT -5
ieqs I'm going to give what may be an unpopular response. Take it with a grain of salt if you think that I've misunderstood the situation after reading only a few paragraphs of your life story. You openly admit that your wife saved your life and fully supported you during your darkest hours. While the full timeline is not clear from your initial post, it appears that this started prior to marriage and continued approximately 4 years. During that time I doubt she was hounding you for sex, to get a job, or to do much else that a wife expects from a healthy husband. You lost your job and your libido during the honeymoon period, and you were emotionally unstable. Her future must have looked very bleak, yet she stood by your side every day, protecting you, providing for you, caring for you for years. She must have been exhausted and worried sick. I do not envy her position, but I commend her! About two years ago, your mental health improves, you get your old job back, and regain your libido, which is all great news. Now you want sex, but she is not in the right place so you decide to wait for get her to get ready, that is the least you can do. Your words, not mine. I'm sorry, but without more details and context I am lead to believe that you have in fact done the least that you can do. She feels helpless, yet you keep demanding sex and appear to be doing nothing about it but talking. You even expect her to get better health insurance. It sounds like the only action you are willing to take is seeking divorce so you can have sex. You need to be supportive and take action. Maybe you have been hugely supportive in the past two years, but I didn't get that from your posts thus far. You need to rekindle the friendship, the trust and emotional intimacy. She saved your life and you owe her more than you have given back. You need to man up and show her the unconditional love and support that she gave you.
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Post by obobfla on Dec 27, 2016 9:07:10 GMT -5
Hi, I need advice and help... Congratulations on making progress in your fight against severe depression! You have been on a very tough road that I have traveled. When I was depressed, I could not remember any happy times I had or see a way out. You should be proud of that. That said, I can relate to your wife. My wife suffers from schizo-affective disorder. Her illness and her medications have affected her sex drive to a point where I have gone from refusee to refuser. I got tired of my wife's rejections to the point where if she were to try to seduce me, I would probably say no. Speaking from experience, caring for someone who is mentally ill can be stressful and lonely. Wrapped up in her own illness, my wife does not see the struggles I go through. It is as if she is oblivious to my feelings unless I get mad at her. I have had to make numerous sacrifices to her illness, many job-related, and I have been hospitalized four times for physical symptoms caused by stress. Plus, a spouse's mental illness is not something I can talk about with friends and co-workers without worrying about stigma. Fortunately, I have found a support group with my local NAMI chapter. I have since become a facilitator of the group. NAMI offers an excellent class for family members of the mentally ill as well. I would not have been able to stay married and have my son without NAMI. Still, during my marriage, I have developed a lot of resentment towards my wife. I became resentful that she could never read my body language or understand what I was going through for her sake. There were times I caught myself being mad at her for no good reason and blaming her for my choices in life. A lot of that resentment came from the lack of sex. I tried to rekindle things with her by taking her to a B&B. Even with that setting, she still refused me. I haven't asked for sex from her since then. You mentioned that you might have attempted suicide "more than once." That is a huge stressor. I remember in support group where I heard an elderly woman say her 30-something son tried suicide nine times. "I feel guilty," she said, "because there are times I wish he succeeded." If a mother feels this, imagine what your wife would feel like. It sounds like you both want to work on the marriage, but it's more than sex. A good counselor can help tremendously. You might have to apologize for what your illness has put her through. It is a hard path back, but you have a rarity in a supportive spouse. I would work on hanging onto that. |
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Post by csl on Dec 27, 2016 9:09:24 GMT -5
ieqs I'm going to give what may be an unpopular response. Take it with a grain of salt if you think that I've misunderstood the situation after reading only a few paragraphs of your life story. You openly admit that your wife saved your life and fully supported you during your darkest hours. While the full timeline is not clear from your initial post, it appears that this started prior to marriage and continued approximately 4 years. During that time I doubt she was hounding you for sex, to get a job, or to do much else that a wife expects from a healthy husband. You lost your job and your libido during the honeymoon period. Her future must have looked very bleak, yet she stood by your side every day, protecting you, providing for you, caring for you for years. She must have been exhausted and worried sick. I do not envy her position, but I commend her! About two years ago, your mental health improves, you get your old job back, and regain your libido, which is all great news. Now you want sex, but she is not in the right place so you decide to wait for get her to get ready, that is the least you can do. Your words, not mine. I'm sorry, but without more details and context I am lead to believe that you have in fact done the least that you can do. She feels helpless, yet you keep demanding sex and appear to be doing nothing about it but talking. You even expect her to get better health insurance. It sounds like the only action you are willing to take is seeking divorce so you have sex. You need to be supportive and take action. Maybe you have been hugely supportive in the past two years, but I didn't get that from your posts thus far. You need to rekindle the friendship, the trust and emotional intimacy. She saved your life and you owe her more than you have given back. You need to man up and show her the unconditional love and support that she gave you. Thank you for going "there." Knowing my proclivities, I didn't think I could do it so well. The thing is that while neither of you are the same as when you first married, you still have a history and affinity, a bond, however tenuous. She was there for you and you owe her at least the effort to try. |
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ieqs
New Member
Posts: 5
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Post by ieqs on Dec 27, 2016 10:10:26 GMT -5
I appreciate for going "there": I'm here for advice and help, not for yay-sayers.  So, this is my way for saying thanks for tackling my issue from every angle! I will clarify some things: I have not attempted suicide, because she was always there for me: loving and caring. I did not lose my job, because they could not fire while being ill. I have only spoken of divorce as an option, because her option to have sex with others is not something I can do while being married (my morality does not allow me to do so): I am really careful about the topic. I actually haven't forced here to have sex or anything: I do have tried to get intimate starting with kissing, but it doesn't even come to french kissing. Current plans with the help, you all provided: Couples therapy: whatever the outcome. I hope I can cope with this all without getting into yet another depression due to SM. I cannot stop thanking you ALL... |
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Post by JonDoe on Dec 27, 2016 10:34:29 GMT -5
I believe she only offered for you to have sex with others to stop causing you pain, not because she actually wants you to do it. These kinds of statements usually come from a place of frustration, anger and/or resentment.
Have you genuinely apologized to her and thanked her for being so supportive. Is she fully aware of how much you appreciate her?
How well do the two of you connect on an emotional level?
Do you engage in fun activities together? Do you plan date nights? Help with the household chores?
I want to make it clear that I am not making excuses for anyone. However, your wife may be having difficulty with kissing because she doesn't want to lead you on thinking that sex is a natural next step. She may be harboring a lot of resentment. Is she willing to sit close while watching a movie, hold your hand as you take a walk, receive a warm, supportive, loving hug?
Have you asked her what she needs from you to move forward together as a loving, passionate couple?
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Post by GeekGoddess on Dec 27, 2016 10:35:47 GMT -5
I think therapy is a road to having an open & honest conversation. If she says: therapy will mean divorce; that's not a given. As Tamara pointed out, there is NO guarantee for success - but doing nothing is a guaranteed divorce. So - stay with your own therapist and ask for her to see one of her own and try couples as well - - but definitely, I think you've done "the least you can" so far and I think it's time to not give up quite yet. She went way above & beyond the least she could do for you as you surmounted huge challenges - and you came out rather victorious on each one. So really, based on history, there is nothing you can't face if you take it on together. If she wants to stay married, a couples counselor is the only path I see that can help you do that.
And - welcome. I'm glad you shared your story.
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ieqs
New Member
Posts: 5
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Post by ieqs on Dec 29, 2016 10:03:36 GMT -5
So we had a talk about the feedback I got here and I told her she should get her own therapist as well as going into couples therapy: it looks like we are going in the right direction, but I'm not getting my hopes up just yet.
In stead of starting with birth control again, she asked me to get condoms just in case and I agreed. I hope she won't feel forced to do anything this way: as stated by some of you, it might work adversely.
She did attempt to make out with me and I responded, but I didn't get those gushy feelings in my heart and belly: I still went along with it. I let her set the boundaries as to not pressurize her: so we only kissed.
It is a start, but not feeling anything scared me a little...
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