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Post by Deleted on Dec 26, 2016 18:40:46 GMT -5
Just wondering if anyone else can relate to this. It's not a popular topic, probably because it requires admitting fear. But I think it's a major reason people (myself included) stay in bad marriages.
Some of you know my story and know I'm working an exit plan, with 18 months to go. My fear of ending up alone came up recently in therapy. I thought I had worked through it, but I guess I'm still wrestling with it.
For the most part, I truly believe I'll be better off alone. At the very least, I know I'll be healthier and happier when my H has left the scene. But, there is still a part of me that fears being alone forever.
In the next 18 months, it is my goal to prove to myself that I am completely capable of handling life without a partner and coming to terms with the fact that if I never marry again, it doesn't matter. Because I'm going to have an amazing life all the same! (At least I hope I am.)
Feel free to share insight, encouragement, wisdom, commiseration, or anything at all!
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Post by cagedtiger on Dec 26, 2016 18:57:43 GMT -5
It's interesting you mention that. In couples counseling last week, our counselor declared that the decision i had to make was not only whether to stay or not in the marriage, but to have a marriage, or no relationship at all, because she believes my own issues (my mother passed away suddenly when i was 8, after a couple of years of a very, very deep depression, and i took on at least a bit of a caretaker role during that time). She's seized on that very strongly, never mind the years and years I've spent in therapy for that since childhood.
I, however, don't think that will be the case. I can understand your fear of being alone, but I've had a lot of fun starting to develop goals and plans for all the things I'll be able to do again when I'm single. Maybe start with that?
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Post by Deleted on Dec 26, 2016 19:14:42 GMT -5
I'm absolutely doing that. Planning for my future and already doing lots by myself and with friends.
But, I think ultimately in order to leave we have to first be willing to take the ultimate gamble - and the gamble might mean we never re-marry or never find anything better than what we are leaving. We have to accept that possibility and know we'll thrive alone. But it's scary!
Agree. It's unlikely we'll wind up alone. But you never know. And you have to be prepared. Right?
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Post by nancyb on Dec 26, 2016 19:21:00 GMT -5
There are many worse fates than being alone. I think it's much worse to be stuck in a sexless marriage and lonely.
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Post by bballgirl on Dec 26, 2016 19:35:08 GMT -5
@elle honey, I so relate to this post. I left just about a year ago I understand your fear of being alone or never having a long term committed relationship. I think for me my fear was being in my sixties, looking back, and thinking I should have left. So I have been out for almost a year now. My day to day is happier than when I was in my SM. I still don't know if I'll find a ltr but it's not something I fear, and fear is an emotion, so the emotion I feel is sad if I don't have a ltr ever but at the same time I'm happy to be out of my SM.
I'm on a few dating apps. I've gone out with twenty plus men since March, mostly just one date/ meet up for coffee or dinner. It's been a fun year where I've learned a lot about myself. I didn't have to sneak around to have sex with FWB or anyone else for that matter. From 2002 to 2014 I had sex 14 times with my ex usually after being a bitch so he was resetting me. This year was a lot more than that in one year, 90% with FWB. If I had to choose love over passion, right now at this stage of my life I'm happy with passion.
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Post by greatcoastal on Dec 26, 2016 21:27:45 GMT -5
I'm absolutely doing that. Planning for my future and already doing lots by myself and with friends. But, I think ultimately in order to leave we have to first be willing to take the ultimate gamble - and the gamble might mean we never re-marry or never find anything better than what we are leaving. We have to accept that possibility and know we'll thrive alone. But it's scary! Agree. It's unlikely we'll wind up alone. But you never know. And you have to be prepared. Right? There are many positives in my past that I lean on. I discuss them with my therapist, they give me strength as I take risks going into the unknown. I remind myself,"Great Coastal, you lived single for 9 years. You lived in an 18 wheeler 6 days a week for 3 yrs, You ate and slept somewhere different night after night, you bought your own house, you have a college degree, you adopted and raised 6 kids, etc...." elle I am sure you to have some wonderful strengths from your past to draw upon. Also, intimacy, recreation, and finances, are going to be continually shared and discussed with trust and respect, in any long term up-coming relationship. Lesson learned. |
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Post by shamwow on Dec 26, 2016 22:21:08 GMT -5
I hate to break the news to you, but you already are alone. The only question is whether you will take a risk for the opportunity to someday not be alone.
Make no mistake. It is a risk. But for me taking the risk as opposed to the certainty of being alone with your spouse is one I plan on taking. Whether you do depends entirely on your situation and judgment.
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Post by cagedtiger on Dec 26, 2016 22:45:12 GMT -5
I'm absolutely doing that. Planning for my future and already doing lots by myself and with friends. But, I think ultimately in order to leave we have to first be willing to take the ultimate gamble - and the gamble might mean we never re-marry or never find anything better than what we are leaving. We have to accept that possibility and know we'll thrive alone. But it's scary! Agree. It's unlikely we'll wind up alone. But you never know. And you have to be prepared. Right? I refuse to believe that I won't find somebody/ something better, because I've had Better. I'm close friends with Better. I've met and seen Better on this site. Better is out there waiting and wondering when I'm going to pull my head out of my a$$ and allow myself to believe I deserve it. I chose wrong three times in a row and missed three Betters. Alone and single aren't the same thing in my opinion either. There is family- they'll love you no matter what, even if they're disappointed. It may take time, but they'll eventually trust your heart that you're doing what you believe is right. There are friends- I've found an amazing source of strength and help from friends I didn't even realize I really had. We're always here as well. All you ever have to do is reach out and ask for help. But often, it's that first time that's the hardest to do. |
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Post by Deleted on Dec 26, 2016 23:23:25 GMT -5
I hate to break the news to you, but you already are alone. The only question is whether you will take a risk for the opportunity to someday not be alone. Make no mistake. It is a risk. But for me taking the risk as opposed to the certainty of being alone with your spouse is one I plan on taking. Whether you do depends entirely on your situation and judgment. No worries, you are not breaking any news to me that I haven't known for years. And I agree with you and others who've reminded me that being alone in a marriage is MUCH lonelier than ending said marriage. Thank you for that reminder. I'm not at the whether stage either anymore shamwow. I'm dealing with functional alcoholism and verbal/emotional abuse and an H with narcissistic personality disorder. Not a pretty trifecta. I'm currently 2.5 years into a (once tentative) 4 year exit plan. I know where I'm going. Finally. (Nuclear meltdown from H in November took care of any remaining doubts.) I thought I was over the fear of potentially ending up unmarried for the rest of my life. It's just that some recent events have shown me I'm clinging too much to the idea of having a man, of needing a man. It surprised me that I still feel that way. I wasn't even aware of it. It'll be my New Year's resolution not to cling to that anymore. And cagedtiger, here's to finding the Betters! There have to be lots of them out there. |
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Post by baza on Dec 26, 2016 23:28:50 GMT -5
The point has already been made in the responses that you needn't fear being alone, as you are already are, courtesy of your ILIASM shithole.
The fear might more accurately be put as "fearing remaining alone" maybe ?
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And, that is a possibility. Sister carisimo's stories on the subject might be worth reading.
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On the other hand, persons who have gotten out of their ILIASM shithole and made a great success of it are plentiful in this group and it's predecessor.
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The odds of you remaining lonely are very very slim (unless of course, you "choose" that future - and it is a perfectly legitimate choice to make)
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But there are not - and there can not - be any guarantees.
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A read of the stories of GeekGoddess would definitely be worth a look I reckon.
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Post by csl on Dec 27, 2016 8:40:17 GMT -5
I posted this back in August, and the truth of it still stands. From The Complete Diary of Eve, by Mark Twain:
“Still, it is better to be alone than unwelcome.”
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Post by Deleted on Dec 30, 2016 4:10:25 GMT -5
Although I did have a lot of sex with many different women in the 20 years between the time I started dating and when I got married, I was very lonely. One reason why I finally threw in the towel and got married. So I expect that if I left my wife and kids I might get to have sex again (although I am much older now) but the loneliness would surely return. Mine is not a fear of being lonely should I divorce, it is the certainty of it based on past experience.
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