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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Aug 20, 2019 9:19:05 GMT -5
itmeRe:"damaged goods" I so get this. While I dont want to allow myself to claim victimhood, I find myself taking a good hard look at who I am and why I am. Its like walking into this dark forest to face your fears, your monsters. Unsure of yourself. Unsure of what you will find, what memories you have suppressed. But the urge is there to confront them. To ultimately make peace with your past. But I persist. And no matter what happens, I fight the good fight and I am sure to come out the other side no worse for the wear.
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Post by angeleyes65 on Aug 20, 2019 15:54:12 GMT -5
thirstyang I was going to ask if he's given any reason that he doesn't want sex and/ or affection, but I as I read I came to the "I'm not in love or attracted to him anymore" so seems to late to fix it. I was there also much older different situation but same outcome. From one who outsourced I say do what you need to if you have to stay because if the kids. But see a lawyer first and have a plan if your marriage falls apart. But if you don't have to stay don't. You can still parent the kids and live separate lives. I regret waiting so long but at the time I did what I had to. But you can't get those years you wasted back. Also about his depression I don't know him so I'm not going to arm chair dx him but let me tell you this. My ex has depression he also tried to manipulate me with guilt and possible suicide. I left anyway and h I have to say a lot of it was just that manipulation . He is finally coming to grips I left over 2 years ago. It was hard and he caused me and his adult kids major headaches but I didn't go back and he is still kicking
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Post by angeleyes65 on Aug 20, 2019 16:04:45 GMT -5
rhalyn You can feel bad because your needs aren't being met and you are unhappy or you can leave and go to counseling for your guilt and enjoy life. While I understand he can't help his back problem that doesn't explain him not taking care of himself. And not sure how bad his back is but in my experience where there is a will there is a way. I did out source..I don't regret it I also had never been with anyone but my now ex-husband. It was great had some great relationships people I am still great friends with I am now living with my former affair partner we were together 6 years as an affair and now 2 years as a legitimate couple. Like I said I don't regret it but I would recommend leaving if at all possible as a first choice. That's a decision only you can make but if you are thinking about leaving or outsourcing I highly suggest you take inventory of money bills and what you would do as far as living and finances if you divorce because outsourcing can lead to divorce if you get caught.
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Post by cjlostlove on Aug 27, 2019 0:21:47 GMT -5
I am so confused and lonely. I was married for 23 yrs, for 18 of the 23 yrs we had sex 5 to 7 times per week. Even though the sex had been incredible everything else in the marriage was a disaster. My ex told me I would never find another sexual partner like him....I didn't believe him, now I do! I have had 2 relationships since my divorce, both really good guys but they weren't sexual. I am still with the 2nd guy, but I recently told him we aren't working. I feel like an idiot for letting this amazing man go, but I'm miserable. I am an extremely sexual person and living without frequent sex is for me a death sentence. It isn't just the lack of sex it's the lack of intimacy. Without intimacy, touch,and embracing the connection is lost. I feel like we are roommates. I have communicated my feelings a few times but it hasn't changed anything. In the beginning sex was amazing like it should be but he changed. I had even discussed his sexual frequency with other women (I'm now thinking he wasn't very honest.) I never changed. I represented myself as I really am. I can't figure it out....is he asexual or gay? IDK...it would be so much easier if he would talk about this part of his life. Thank you for allowing me to vent
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Post by baza on Aug 27, 2019 1:42:29 GMT -5
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Aug 27, 2019 7:08:47 GMT -5
Welcome to the community! Not that its any solace, but you will find that looking for answers, or why chasing as its called around here, can be a futile exercise. I will offer that if he once enjoyed sex and now he doesnt, it might be a loss of attraction or it might be health related. Males lose testosterone at an increasing rate after 40. Loss of T is oft associated with loss of libido. Dont feel like an idiot. Take the time to read the stories here. You'll realize that letting go is sometimes for the best. I am so confused and lonely. I was married for 23 yrs, for 18 of the 23 yrs we had sex 5 to 7 times per week. Even though the sex had been incredible everything else in the marriage was a disaster. My ex told me I would never find another sexual partner like him....I didn't believe him, now I do! I have had 2 relationships since my divorce, both really good guys but they weren't sexual. I am still with the 2nd guy, but I recently told him we aren't working. I feel like an idiot for letting this amazing man go, but I'm miserable. I am an extremely sexual person and living without frequent sex is for me a death sentence. It isn't just the lack of sex it's the lack of intimacy. Without intimacy, touch,and embracing the connection is lost. I feel like we are roommates. I have communicated my feelings a few times but it hasn't changed anything. In the beginning sex was amazing like it should be but he changed. I had even discussed his sexual frequency with other women (I'm now thinking he wasn't very honest.) I never changed. I represented myself as I really am. I can't figure it out....is he asexual or gay? IDK...it would be so much easier if he would talk about this part of his life. Thank you for allowing me to vent
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Post by thirstyang on Aug 28, 2019 2:34:19 GMT -5
thirstyang I was going to ask if he's given any reason that he doesn't want sex and/ or affection, but I as I read I came to the "I'm not in love or attracted to him anymore" so seems to late to fix it. I was there also much older different situation but same outcome. From one who outsourced I say do what you need to if you have to stay because if the kids. But see a lawyer first and have a plan if your marriage falls apart. But if you don't have to stay don't. You can still parent the kids and live separate lives. I regret waiting so long but at the time I did what I had to. But you can't get those years you wasted back. Also about his depression I don't know him so I'm not going to arm chair dx him but let me tell you this. My ex has depression he also tried to manipulate me with guilt and possible suicide. I left anyway and h I have to say a lot of it was just that manipulation . He is finally coming to grips I left over 2 years ago. It was hard and he caused me and his adult kids major headaches but I didn't go back and he is still kicking angeleyes65 I believe he is asexual. He was never any good in bed, but I attributed it to a lack of experience. However, anything I tried, even a position change, was too provocative for him. I was always the initiator and would be left upset and unsatisfied because his orgasms came too quickly. Eventually, it became a performance issue- he would get anxiety and lose erection. I believe he’s always had a lower libido, but once he began taking hair loss medication, it went completely downhill. Literally. I’ve asked him many times to see a doctor, but he doesn’t feel anything is out of place. Or it could be he is too embarrassed to seek help. We are now living as roommates. We have no sexual desires towards one another, no attraction, no affection. We sleep separately, aren’t interested in each other’s lives much. He is the income provider, and I am the children’s caretaker. Yet, even with this dynamic, he is content. I’ve told him it’s not enough for me, and that I am no longer in love nor do I want to have sexual relations with him. I believe that him being from an old-fashioned and strict Asian family, he is just trying to keep the image of being happily married with kids, thriving professionally, owning a home etc. Sometimes, I too wonder if he is just asexual or gay and trying to live the image of a straight life.
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Post by angeleyes65 on Aug 28, 2019 7:35:56 GMT -5
thirstyang Yeah I understand my ex refused to see a doctor also when he got ED. And we also lived as roommates and he was fine with that. I was very straight forward with how I felt and I just kept disengaging more. Even 2 years later he's saying he wished he would have realized how miserable I was. What he really means is I wish I would have believed you were actually going to leave. I don't think he cared at all that I was unhappy he cares that now he is. My marriage started unraveling when my kids were 14 and 10 I stayed another another 19 years. It just got worse until it was finally completely sexless and my kids were grown. Then I started outsourcing and eventually just became so angry at what I was missing out on that I had to leave. I wish you the best of luck. I wouldn't feel guilty about outsourcing but if you are a stay at home mom and he leaves you because you cheat things could get really hard so make sure you know how things would shake out in a divorce. And make and exit plan. He may be open to opening up the marriage I asked he said if it was only sex I guess I could handle it but I'm afraid you will fall in love and leave me. That should have been a clue. But I took that as a don't ask don't tell and outsourced any way I was already planning on leaving. Ended up falling in love anyway. We were together 6 years before I left 7 before he left. Now we are at 8 years and things are great. There is hope no matter what you decide. My best advice is don't put being happy on hold. If you have to stay do things you enjoy don't be miserable.
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Post by frednsa on Aug 31, 2019 14:02:57 GMT -5
I am so confused and lonely. I was married for 23 yrs, for 18 of the 23 yrs we had sex 5 to 7 times per week. Even though the sex had been incredible everything else in the marriage was a disaster. My ex told me I would never find another sexual partner like him....I didn't believe him, now I do! I have had 2 relationships since my divorce, both really good guys but they weren't sexual. I am still with the 2nd guy, but I recently told him we aren't working. I feel like an idiot for letting this amazing man go, but I'm miserable. I am an extremely sexual person and living without frequent sex is for me a death sentence. It isn't just the lack of sex it's the lack of intimacy. Without intimacy, touch,and embracing the connection is lost. I feel like we are roommates. I have communicated my feelings a few times but it hasn't changed anything. In the beginning sex was amazing like it should be but he changed. I had even discussed his sexual frequency with other women (I'm now thinking he wasn't very honest.) I never changed. I represented myself as I really am. I can't figure it out....is he asexual or gay? IDK...it would be so much easier if he would talk about this part of his life. Thank you for allowing me to vent pretty much the same here except sex was sooooo poor from the outset. i'm embarassed how long i've stayed with her. nice person, honest, good mother, good homemaker, hard worker..................BUT below zero in the sex department. i'm trapped i do know how you feel but at only 23 years of marriage you're still young enough to find what you need. keep looking
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Post by rejectedbeauty on Sept 1, 2019 12:10:17 GMT -5
I thought I had it all. The right job, the right man happy life, no major bills, no stress loving life. Then, he lost interest. The hugs stopped, the kisses became strained, the look of disinterest started living on his face and the sex tricked down to once every 6 or 8 weeks. I'm to the point were ive been rejected so often that I'm mean about it. I'm very close to cheating. I'm trying soo hard to be a faithful wife but the lack of sex on top of the disrespect is getting to be too much. It seems that I am nothing more than a maid, a cook, the bread winner, and the credit holder. That would all be fine, even though I'm a woman, if it came with smiles, hugs, kisses and sex! It's like I'm giving all the good stuff, and getting nothing but garbage in return. We are not OLD! I dont understand this! He rarley goes anywhere but bed. Ive told him i think hes depressed but this is going on 2 years of sporadic (i'm mean 4 to 5 times a year) Sex. If I try to initiate it, i'm rejected, right off hand! No oral no nothing just NO! I'm tired of crying in the dark, begging to be touched, just wanting to be wanted. Yet the moment I mention toys I'm a slut! If i mention divorce he'll force himself to touch me and truthfully, I'd rather have nothing than forced pity sex.
I hate this life. I noticed yesterday, that I actually preened when another man approached and told me "You are beautiful". I smiled for about an hour afterwards just being thankful. Thats sad.
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Post by worksforme2 on Sept 1, 2019 13:05:46 GMT -5
Hi rejectedbeauty,...welcome to the ILIASM group. Here you will find a group that runs the gauntlet when it comes to differing form of a SM. Your story reads like he is disengaged from you and all forms of intimacy. His anger and rejection of you could be from any # of things. It reads like he is reacting to being in a marriage and relationship that he doesn't want to be in. The sexual rejection is just the most obvious symptom of how he feels. His reaction to the toys is any bodies guess, but it could be he is so unhappy that he doesn't want you to experience anything good when it comes to sex. Just a guess. I would encourage you to post this story on the Sexless Marriage theme section. You will get far more views and responses.
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Post by solodriver on Sept 1, 2019 18:39:00 GMT -5
sadintexas I think it's especially hard being a woman in a sexless marriage as far as we turn in wards " what's wrong with me" . But let me just say welcome and it's not you. I want to tell you to run your son is grown. But I will take the other road. You said he has a heart problem and that can cause ED. I get that. And I read a previous response that with something new it's more exciting and easier to get hard. The flip side to that is if he fails with you, you live him and would understand. If he starts something with some one new and can't perform he would be really humiliated so I'm calling bullshit on that . You said he has been above board since you left and came back..has he? Did he tell you why he is putting in the effort with other women and not his partner in life? That tells me everything is not fine but the sex. We also held hands at first and said I love you when we left and came home. But it was just routine and I stopped the handholding because I was hurt and had to detach to save myself. My suggestion is counseling for you and a talk with him and or marriage counseling if you are determined to stay. But you deserve to be happy and tomorrow isn't guaranteed. "Had to detach to save myself."
That's what I had to do and though living with her is still tough, my mind has accepted the real situation and that has made some difference in the way I view myself and the SM. And it's keeping me focused on my exit plan.
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Post by solodriver on Sept 1, 2019 19:20:18 GMT -5
thirstyang Yeah I understand my ex refused to see a doctor also when he got ED. And we also lived as roommates and he was fine with that. I was very straight forward with how I felt and I just kept disengaging more. Even 2 years later he's saying he wished he would have realized how miserable I was. What he really means is I wish I would have believed you were actually going to leave. I don't think he cared at all that I was unhappy he cares that now he is. My marriage started unraveling when my kids were 14 and 10 I stayed another another 19 years. It just got worse until it was finally completely sexless and my kids were grown. Then I started outsourcing and eventually just became so angry at what I was missing out on that I had to leave. I wish you the best of luck. I wouldn't feel guilty about outsourcing but if you are a stay at home mom and he leaves you because you cheat things could get really hard so make sure you know how things would shake out in a divorce. And make and exit plan. He may be open to opening up the marriage I asked he said if it was only sex I guess I could handle it but I'm afraid you will fall in love and leave me. That should have been a clue. But I took that as a don't ask don't tell and outsourced any way I was already planning on leaving. Ended up falling in love anyway. We were together 6 years before I left 7 before he left. Now we are at 8 years and things are great. There is hope no matter what you decide. My best advice is don't put being happy on hold. If you have to stay do things you enjoy don't be miserable. angeleyes65 is right. I have wasted 20 years of a 31 year marriage sexless. I wished I had seen the red flags and not ignored them. But she took advantage of my good nature for many years with excuse after excuse. I finally realized in the past few years that she only wants me around for the benefits such as financial, but doesn't give a crap about me and hasn't for a long time. So I've emotionally detached and am having to get our finances in order before I can execute separation and divorce.
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Post by jamesbonding on Sept 2, 2019 19:27:37 GMT -5
I thought I had it all. The right job, the right man happy life, no major bills, no stress loving life. Then, he lost interest. The hugs stopped, the kisses became strained, the look of disinterest started living on his face and the sex tricked down to once every 6 or 8 weeks. I'm to the point were ive been rejected so often that I'm mean about it. I'm very close to cheating. I'm trying soo hard to be a faithful wife but the lack of sex on top of the disrespect is getting to be too much. It seems that I am nothing more than a maid, a cook, the bread winner, and the credit holder. That would all be fine, even though I'm a woman, if it came with smiles, hugs, kisses and sex! It's like I'm giving all the good stuff, and getting nothing but garbage in return. We are not OLD! I dont understand this! He rarley goes anywhere but bed. Ive told him i think hes depressed but this is going on 2 years of sporadic (i'm mean 4 to 5 times a year) Sex. If I try to initiate it, i'm rejected, right off hand! No oral no nothing just NO! I'm tired of crying in the dark, begging to be touched, just wanting to be wanted. Yet the moment I mention toys I'm a slut! If i mention divorce he'll force himself to touch me and truthfully, I'd rather have nothing than forced pity sex. I hate this life. I noticed yesterday, that I actually preened when another man approached and told me "You are beautiful". I smiled for about an hour afterwards just being thankful. Thats sad. It sounds like an awful situation and I certainly understand how you feel. Why have you not divorced already? You could start the divorce, then put it on hold at any time if you choose to. If you decide to cheat (around here we call it "outsourcing"), I'd suggest doing it openly. Why spare your husband's feelings? He might well be depressed, but that's no excuse for bad behavior. You could require that he get treatment (medication, therapy) for his depression (and ED, if that's an issue) as a condition for you putting divorce or outsourcing on hold.
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Post by baza on Sept 3, 2019 19:54:14 GMT -5
I thought I had it all. The right job, the right man happy life, no major bills, no stress loving life. Then, he lost interest. The hugs stopped, the kisses became strained, the look of disinterest started living on his face and the sex tricked down to once every 6 or 8 weeks. I'm to the point were ive been rejected so often that I'm mean about it. I'm very close to cheating. I'm trying soo hard to be a faithful wife but the lack of sex on top of the disrespect is getting to be too much. It seems that I am nothing more than a maid, a cook, the bread winner, and the credit holder. That would all be fine, even though I'm a woman, if it came with smiles, hugs, kisses and sex! It's like I'm giving all the good stuff, and getting nothing but garbage in return. We are not OLD! I dont understand this! He rarley goes anywhere but bed. Ive told him i think hes depressed but this is going on 2 years of sporadic (i'm mean 4 to 5 times a year) Sex. If I try to initiate it, i'm rejected, right off hand! No oral no nothing just NO! I'm tired of crying in the dark, begging to be touched, just wanting to be wanted. Yet the moment I mention toys I'm a slut! If i mention divorce he'll force himself to touch me and truthfully, I'd rather have nothing than forced pity sex. I hate this life. I noticed yesterday, that I actually preened when another man approached and told me "You are beautiful". I smiled for about an hour afterwards just being thankful. Thats sad. There are usually very few positive aspects to the stories posted in here. They usually describe a dysfunctional situation that has been going on 5, 10, or more years. Your story does have something going for it Sister rejectedbeauty , that being that your deal has only degenerated over the last 2 years. However, the trajectory of your deal, as you describe it, seems to be heading nose down and accelerating, and soon enough it will be 5, or 10, or more years you are faced with. Can a case be made for you to make appropriate moves, now, to mitigate the situation (should it follow the usual direction of marriages in this group) ? That is to say, seeing a lawyer in your jurisdiction to establish how a divorce would shake out for you theoretically. Puttting an exit strategy together within that legal framework 'just in case'. Shoring up your support network to help you through such a theoretical scenario. In other words, constructing an alternative future for yourself should your present situation prove untenable.
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