|
Post by time4intimacy on Jul 13, 2018 9:34:54 GMT -5
Hi all, This is a strange feeling sitting in front of this keyboard planning out how to tell strangers what has been on my mind in secret for so long. I'm married to my lovely wife now for 19 years and have 2 beautiful children. We have been and still are going trough some rough times regarding a chronic illness concerning my wife. Also my sun is currently going trough a though period in his young life. In the past we had a normal sexlife up to a few years ago my wife started losing her interest in sex more and more up to a point where sex was almost non existing. Even just intimacy like cuddling became something of the past and if something was happening this always seem to come from one side, making sure she was satisfied but when she was done it was over for me. True I always initiated this hoping this would turn out in to a 2 person thing but it never did. She would fall asleep or turn her back to me and ignore my feelings. If I tried talking to her about it she would just point out I initiated it making her enjoy the feeling she did not say anything about returning the feeling. As mentioned we are at a point now where she ignores me in bed, making me feel like perv just for longing to be intimate with her. It makes you feel so worthless rejected. Giving you the feeling you are doing something wrong. Sometimes the longing is so bad it turns in to just pure lust just wanting this release. I try and soften the pain by chatting or writing erotic stories and some solo time but even this makes me feel guilty. I love my wife but I long for a sexual relationship, the feeling of being desired or loved not rejected. Leaving her is not an option for me but I feel trapped and frustrated. Hope I did not offend anyone as I was maybe a bit to bold. Welcome! It sounds like you are in the right place where others can relate to your situation. Sorry you are in the situation and we all know how frustrating it can be.
|
|
|
Post by nyctos on Jul 13, 2018 21:52:06 GMT -5
Hi all, This is a strange feeling sitting in front of this keyboard planning out how to tell strangers what has been on my mind in secret for so long. I'm married to my lovely wife now for 19 years and have 2 beautiful children. We have been and still are going trough some rough times regarding a chronic illness concerning my wife. Also my sun is currently going trough a though period in his young life. In the past we had a normal sexlife up to a few years ago my wife started losing her interest in sex more and more up to a point where sex was almost non existing. Even just intimacy like cuddling became something of the past and if something was happening this always seem to come from one side, making sure she was satisfied but when she was done it was over for me. True I always initiated this hoping this would turn out in to a 2 person thing but it never did. She would fall asleep or turn her back to me and ignore my feelings. If I tried talking to her about it she would just point out I initiated it making her enjoy the feeling she did not say anything about returning the feeling. As mentioned we are at a point now where she ignores me in bed, making me feel like perv just for longing to be intimate with her. It makes you feel so worthless rejected. Giving you the feeling you are doing something wrong. Sometimes the longing is so bad it turns in to just pure lust just wanting this release. I try and soften the pain by chatting or writing erotic stories and some solo time but even this makes me feel guilty. I love my wife but I long for a sexual relationship, the feeling of being desired or loved not rejected. Leaving her is not an option for me but I feel trapped and frustrated. Hope I did not offend anyone as I was maybe a bit to bold. Welcome, wonderingsoul -- I can definitely understand your confusion and feelings of rejection, as I suspect many of us can. It's a very terrible situation when your spouse doesn't return physical affection. It's easier said than done, but you should try not to feel guilty about the chatting and erotic stories/solo time. You need something and you're satisfying it in the ways you have available. By the way, this may seem like a dumb question, but how aware is your wife about this sexlessness? Is she aware it's a problem?
|
|
|
Post by baza on Jul 13, 2018 22:28:37 GMT -5
"Leaving her is not an option for me" - you say Brother wonderingsoul . What special characteristics sets your situation apart from the average Joe/Joette ?
|
|
|
Post by wonderingsoul on Jul 14, 2018 2:24:56 GMT -5
Hi all, This is a strange feeling sitting in front of this keyboard planning out how to tell strangers what has been on my mind in secret for so long. I'm married to my lovely wife now for 19 years and have 2 beautiful children. We have been and still are going trough some rough times regarding a chronic illness concerning my wife. Also my sun is currently going trough a though period in his young life. In the past we had a normal sexlife up to a few years ago my wife started losing her interest in sex more and more up to a point where sex was almost non existing. Even just intimacy like cuddling became something of the past and if something was happening this always seem to come from one side, making sure she was satisfied but when she was done it was over for me. True I always initiated this hoping this would turn out in to a 2 person thing but it never did. She would fall asleep or turn her back to me and ignore my feelings. If I tried talking to her about it she would just point out I initiated it making her enjoy the feeling she did not say anything about returning the feeling. As mentioned we are at a point now where she ignores me in bed, making me feel like perv just for longing to be intimate with her. It makes you feel so worthless rejected. Giving you the feeling you are doing something wrong. Sometimes the longing is so bad it turns in to just pure lust just wanting this release. I try and soften the pain by chatting or writing erotic stories and some solo time but even this makes me feel guilty. I love my wife but I long for a sexual relationship, the feeling of being desired or loved not rejected. Leaving her is not an option for me but I feel trapped and frustrated. Hope I did not offend anyone as I was maybe a bit to bold. Welcome, wonderingsoul -- I can definitely understand your confusion and feelings of rejection, as I suspect many of us can. It's a very terrible situation when your spouse doesn't return physical affection. It's easier said than done, but you should try not to feel guilty about the chatting and erotic stories/solo time. You need something and you're satisfying it in the ways you have available. By the way, this may seem like a dumb question, but how aware is your wife about this sexlessness? Is she aware it's a problem? Hi, she is aware of the situation and my feelings but for her it would be forcing her to do something she does not want. It would push me away even further.
|
|
|
Post by wonderingsoul on Jul 14, 2018 2:31:44 GMT -5
"Leaving her is not an option for me" - you say Brother wonderingsoul . What special characteristics sets your situation apart from the average Joe/Joette ? Well we have been and still are going trough a rough time medically speaking. (Don’t want to go in detail yet) but leaving her would be like really leaving my family who needs me not just leaving my my wife, and that is something I can’t live with despite our lack of physical intimacy I’m afraid. The problems with are physical relationships dates from way before the medical issues in our family. Maybe I will look on it differently if the kids are older and the medical issues are behind us.
|
|
|
Post by baza on Jul 14, 2018 2:49:28 GMT -5
It is worth making the point then, that many people who are having issues in their lives (and who the F doesn't ?) are also dealing with a dysfunctional marriage and divorce. If you want to see this in action, member choosinghappy would be a good one for you to have a read of her stories (and there's plenty of others like Sister GeekGoddess as another example) That is - in no way - a suggestion that you ought make a bolt to the exit. It is just to make the point that of the 3 options you have available (to stay, to stay and cheat, or to leave) to take one off the table makes no sense. It is a perfectly valid option, and as such, worth fully checking out. Anyway Brother wonderingsoul , hope you get some value out of the group. All I'd suggest at this point is that you keep all your options open.
|
|
|
Post by miagirl on Jul 18, 2018 7:09:14 GMT -5
Hello world! A friend I met suggested I visit the page. I am in a sexless marriage. Though, sadly, I didn't realize I was until it was too late. I married an older gentleman, 45, so to me at 27/28 it didn't seem like too old. We have been married for 5 years. I work. I have always gone to school or worked. I had very little time for relationships and those I did have ended in disaster. Did I always pick guys that for some reason couldn't pull the trigger on taking my virginity? Apparently. My husband was the only man I have had sex with and I should have noticed the signs when we first got together. He is a great man, I just don't think he feels anything down there. It took him almost a year for us to have sex. There were the excuses including he wanted to wait to be respectful to me. I said that I didn't think we were going to work. I know sex isn't everything in a marriage, but it was something I had longed for and wanted it to be part of our lives. Even if it isn't every week. At least it happens. We had sex within a week of that fight. It wasn't great, but he tried and it takes practice right?
We got married and nothing changed. We got the Viagra (half a prescription and 4 years later we still have half of that prescription). I don't threaten. I asked. I asked what he needed from me. There was always a reason. One was I was too fat (I wasn't any bigger than I was from the day we met) So I lost 125 lbs. no change.
I had finally filled out divorce papers and asked him to sign them. I was ready to leave. I told him I would gladly sell my house and everything it and give him half of everything so that he could start a new life. The tears and emotion from him got me to stay. We had sex 3 days that week and not again. I got pregnant which wasn't suppose to be possible. I swear he would have kept going until I was pregnant to get me to stay because he knows how I feel about broken families. We haven't had sex since the week of conception close to 3 years ago (I am not counting 2 half tries our daughter turned 6 months and then 2 weeks ago when I told him I was done and would be seeing a lawyer about how to make every thing as easy and equitable as possible). I love him....loved him. Now it is just resentment and I am a sad shell of the person with a painted on smile. I am not sure what I am going to do, but our daughter has been what keeps me from falling apart. Waking up early getting my sadness from night before out and keep on going. It just makes me feel a little more “normal” to know I am not alone.
|
|
catsloveme
Full Member
Dwelling in the possible
Posts: 207
|
Post by catsloveme on Jul 18, 2018 8:30:17 GMT -5
Hello world! A friend I met suggested I visit the page. I am in a sexless marriage. Though, sadly, I didn't realize I was until it was too late. I married an older gentleman, 45, so to me at 27/28 it didn't seem like too old. We have been married for 5 years. I work. I have always gone to school or worked. I had very little time for relationships and those I did have ended in disaster. Did I always pick guys that for some reason couldn't pull the trigger on taking my virginity? Apparently. My husband was the only man I have had sex with and I should have noticed the signs when we first got together. He is a great man, I just don't think he feels anything down there. It took him almost a year for us to have sex. There were the excuses including he wanted to wait to be respectful to me. I said that I didn't think we were going to work. I know sex isn't everything in a marriage, but it was something I had longed for and wanted it to be part of our lives. Even if it isn't every week. At least it happens. We had sex within a week of that fight. It wasn't great, but he tried and it takes practice right? We got married and nothing changed. We got the Viagra (half a prescription and 4 years later we still have half of that prescription). I don't threaten. I asked. I asked what he needed from me. There was always a reason. One was I was too fat (I wasn't any bigger than I was from the day we met) So I lost 125 lbs. no change. I had finally filled out divorce papers and asked him to sign them. I was ready to leave. I told him I would gladly sell my house and everything it and give him half of everything so that he could start a new life. The tears and emotion from him got me to stay. We had sex 3 days that week and not again. I got pregnant which wasn't suppose to be possible. I swear he would have kept going until I was pregnant to get me to stay because he knows how I feel about broken families. We haven't had sex since the week of conception close to 3 years ago (I am not counting 2 half tries our daughter turned 6 months and then 2 weeks ago when I told him I was done and would be seeing a lawyer about how to make every thing as easy and equitable as possible). I love him....loved him. Now it is just resentment and I am a sad shell of the person with a painted on smile. I am not sure what I am going to do, but our daughter has been what keeps me from falling apart. Waking up early getting my sadness from night before out and keep on going. It just makes me feel a little more “normal” to know I am not alone. Welcome, miagirl. You’re not alone. I’m fairly new here and have found these people to be very supportive and insightful.
|
|
|
Post by baza on Jul 18, 2018 21:46:01 GMT -5
Welcome to the zoo Sister miagirl . Rotten situations are the common denominator here. How you are presently feeling is only too well known to the membership. Whatever you might be considering, someone here has done it, and written about the experience. The memberships collective experience is available on request (and oftentimes offered even if you don't ask !!)
|
|
|
Post by hopingforachange on Jul 19, 2018 8:37:35 GMT -5
miagirlWelcome to the club, it is true what they say, misery loves company.
|
|
|
Post by northstarmom on Jul 19, 2018 9:10:30 GMT -5
Welcome. Take your time and read the various threads on the forums. Then, when you are ready for more support and feedback, post your story in Sexless Marriage Issues.
Despite your unfortunate SM, consider yourself fortunate for having discovered this site during your marriage so you know you aren't alone, and so you can get support and advice from peers. I didn't discover ILIASM's precursor, Experience Project, until a week after my divorce from my 34-year marriage, the last 8 straight years of which were completely sexless, and there were many years in which we had sex fewer than 10 times a year. It took until I was 61 to be out of my SM. I'm delighted to say that I've now been for 5 years in a romantic, sensual relationship with the love of my life. However, I when I decided to divorce, it wasn't due to another man. I wasn't outsourcing or dating. In fact, at my age, I didn't expect to have love or a lover again. I divorced when I realized I would be happier being forever single than remaining alone in my marriage.
|
|
|
Post by timeforliving2 on Jul 19, 2018 14:29:10 GMT -5
"Leaving her is not an option for me" - you say Brother wonderingsoul . What special characteristics sets your situation apart from the average Joe/Joette ? Well we have been and still are going trough a rough time medically speaking. (Don’t want to go in detail yet) but leaving her would be like really leaving my family who needs me not just leaving my my wife, and that is something I can’t live with despite our lack of physical intimacy I’m afraid. The problems with are physical relationships dates from way before the medical issues in our family. Maybe I will look on it differently if the kids are older and the medical issues are behind us.
Here's a question you have to ask yourself: Would your urgency to do something change if you had CANCER? Here's the reality: Being in sexless marriage (SM), you have *marriage cancer*. You've got to treat it as AGGRESSIVELY as *actual* cancer. Treating cancer is not always successful but you've got to try and fight it. Sometimes even after aggressive treatment the cancer still wins and what was once full of life cannot be saved. However, other times you CAN beat the cancer.
Have you tried counseling yet? If you're going to beat this marriage cancer (a SM) you've *both* got to be vested in the process, and an independent counselor (who you both concur on) will probably be your best chance of saving the marriage before the cancer gets worse. If one counselor does not help you after a reasonable time, be ready to move to another counselor.
I could write a lot more but that's the main point I wanted to convey right now. I just logged into this site after being away for too many months. This group helped me turn the corner on my SM many years ago back when the predecessor EP site was operating. Will try to check back in here more regularly again, hopefully again this next weekend. One of my kids has had a lot of health issues and all aspects of life have been crazy busy.
Seriously though - Think about how essential sex is to a healthy marriage / relationship. It *is* essential. When you're in a SM... If you don't treat this problem as seriously as having cancer, then you probably won't take the action you need to change things. You'll be stuck in the status quo. Is that what you want? I understand when you say that other things are going on in your family life and you don't want to perhaps overwhelm the family. If you say that though, what you are also saying is that sex really isn't that important and you are OK with things as they currently stand. Again, if you had actual cancer while the other family stuff was going on, would you just sit back and do nothing about it? Would you accept death right here, right now?
You do have marriage cancer. A marriage without sex, when at least one person wants it / needs it to be happy, will ultimately die if left untreated and given enough time. Treat the situation seriously. Fight for what is an essential need in your marriage, otherwise your marriage will die from this SM marriage cancer. You deserve to be happy and fulfilled in your marriage. So does your spouse. My wife and I turned the corner and got things on a better track with good counseling, even when I was *sure* (at the time) that my refuser spouse of 19 years would never change. She did change though, with outside help.
All the best. Keep fighting the good fight.
TL2
|
|
thefire24
Junior Member
Posts: 28
Age Range: 36-40
|
Post by thefire24 on Jul 22, 2018 11:02:10 GMT -5
Just found out about this forum. It's been really insightful reading everyone's stories and knowing that other people are going through the same issues. The hope that things can get better has been fading lately. Not sure if I'll find hope here, but support at least.
|
|
|
Post by runnerguy on Aug 14, 2018 13:29:02 GMT -5
I figured it's time to post. I was on a similar forum years ago, and I miss the camaraderie.
I'm 37 living in the South. Sexless for 10-ish years. Sex maybe twice a year, but that's on a good year.
I do most of the housework. I spend way more time with our child than she does. I work hard and keep myself in shape.
Basically, I feel like things are very skewed. She does have some health issues, but nothing that should have her at this point.
I'm just exhausted.
So, howdy I guess? GladI found this place.
|
|
|
Post by hopingforachange on Aug 14, 2018 13:42:08 GMT -5
|
|