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Post by dinnaken on May 23, 2017 16:28:07 GMT -5
I don't know if it will help but in my case I asked that we schedule a talk once a week. In my case it was after tea on a Tuesday and we used that time to agree 'next steps' or discuss progress in such things as working out pensions, savings etc.
A crucial early discussion was 'who's living where?'. These turned out to be simple practical decisions that had to be taken but it reinforced the idea that this was really happening. I also chose subjects that were not controversial. Small steps but firmly taken.
If I make it sound easy it wasn't; it's a horrible, tough process to go through but it does get easier.
Attitude is a difficult one, I took a position of 'I'm not going to fight over this but I'm not pissing about either'.
I don't think it should be about winners and losers. I reminded myself of the old line 'An eye for an eye leaves everyone blind'
Thinking of you
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Post by baza on May 23, 2017 23:12:53 GMT -5
"its been weirdly quiet since this last talk." - you note Sister eternaloptimismThat is pretty standard avoidant behaviour. Why waste his best material when silence is doing the delaying job ? Keep his best material up his sleeve to use when further delaying ploys are required. I think you can be certain that he will say or do nothing at this point. He'll be waiting to see if this blows over like it usually has in the past. What you don't know is *what* - if anything - he has up his sleeve in the way of delaying tactics. What he does not know is *what* - if anything - you have up your sleeve to hunt this process along to resolution (and I'd bet good money that he is figuring you've got nuthin') Usual suggestion - if you are not fully prepped, and do not have a do-able exit strategy that you are prepared to enact in your pocket, quietly back off. if you are fully prepped, and do have a do-able exit strategy that you are prepared to enact in your pocket, then hit the go button and get ready for a bumpy road. And pleeeaase, keep your sweet self safe. At all costs. |
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Post by eternaloptimism on May 24, 2017 13:46:08 GMT -5
Thanks for your encouragement, advice and kind words my friends  I'm working a hell of a lot at the moment and am really tired. Have had a low level cold and cough for a week now and am not sleeping enough. Things will calm down a bit work wise from Sunday. I'm just too exhausted to start it again right away, even though it's constantly on my mind. I'll do it when my energy comes back next week hopefully. If only he was one of those partners who share responsibility I might not be so fucking knackered all the time! It's a carer he's in need of. Not a partner. Anyway, set up for my 3 day dental show in Manchester today. I thought they might have cancelled it as it's the other major venue along with the arena where the bomb was on Monday. Getting in and out of the city is always hell, but it's worse at the moment as you can imagine. I need lots of sleep to face 10 hours on my stand tomorrow. My ass hat boss hasn't even ordered chairs for us. Bastard. Be brave EO. 🙈 |
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Post by Deleted on May 26, 2017 2:08:02 GMT -5
Welcome back EO. I just caught up on your posts and I was so pleased for you to read the one where you found your voice back and spoke about your talk. I hope it turns out to be a significant step towards positive changes in your life. I have to keep this short, but *hugs* and keep us updated.
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Post by eternaloptimism on Jun 5, 2017 11:32:17 GMT -5
He told me today, only because I asked, that the pills he was taking for his "uber seriously low
Iron that must be the reason he has no libido" weren't working.
A little more questioning and he admitted he's not taking them.
I told him that I masturbate at least once a day then.
He looked guilty. And said that he doesn't.
He said he should be doing it for me shouldn't he.
I agreed that yes, a partner should be doing that (all the while feeling nauseated at the thought) I said i couldn't see him agreeing to outsource that part of the relationship. He nodded.
Sheesh.
This is after last night he decided to ask me, yet again, for permission for his "last" bag of weed. Like my permission ever meant anything!
I told him I actively refuse to give permission. I told him he makes his own choices and whatever I say goes in one ear and out the other anyway.
He waited until I went to work today and got some.
I told him last night too that I was surprised he hasn't mentioned anything since our chat a couple weeks ago where I got all the cards out on the table. He ummed and ahhed a bit and avoided it. So I said I think we need to discuss how we should make the separation work.
He went for a shit. For an hour.
And that was the end of that.
Holy hell. This man. I'm not even close to joking when I say pulling teeth is easier!!!
Someone just come remove him for me. I'm losing my patience. (That's probably well overdue actually!)
Anyway. I'm getting stronger and mentally healthy by the day here. I could never have said these things to him before I found this place and started healing myself.
Cheers team !! Xxx
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Post by bballgirl on Jun 5, 2017 11:47:12 GMT -5
eternaloptimism Good job! You are getting stronger! Everything will work out. Keep walking the gauntlet and you will make it!
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Post by WindSister on Jun 5, 2017 12:07:09 GMT -5
Glad to hear you are feeling stronger, it shows! Keep at it. You definitely have support here. |
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Post by hopingforachange on Jun 5, 2017 14:43:53 GMT -5
Good! Your pushing your way thru the crap he had built up smothering you. Keep it up girl!
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Post by baza on Jun 5, 2017 19:17:08 GMT -5
His strategy, to do nothing, has served him well Sister eternaloptimismHe's effectively deployed this strategy since at least May25 last year, probably longer. His strategy is working, yours is not. It still appears that any strategy you adopt is one that does not require his co-operation. In other words, *you* will have to make the call, *you* will have to undertake all the heavy lifting, *you* will need to contact the womens shelter, *you* will have to get the legal advice, *you* will have to formulate your exit strategy and belt it into do-able shape, *you* will have to alert the local plods, etc etc. In short, *you* will have to drive the process. *You* will have to act unilaterally. And all those ducks (above) need to be lined up, solid and done, particularly in light of the possibility of a violent situation. I think the time has come where "talking" to him is done - other than to shine him on as you covertly get those ducks lined up. |
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Post by McRoomMate on Jun 5, 2017 20:00:13 GMT -5
He told me today, only because I asked, that the pills he was taking for his "uber seriously low Iron that must be the reason he has no libido" weren't working. A little more questioning and he admitted he's not taking them. I told him that I masturbate at least once a day then. He looked guilty. And said that he doesn't. He said he should be doing it for me shouldn't he. I agreed that yes, a partner should be doing that (all the while feeling nauseated at the thought) I said i couldn't see him agreeing to outsource that part of the relationship. He nodded. Sheesh. This is after last night he decided to ask me, yet again, for permission for his "last" bag of weed. Like my permission ever meant anything! I told him I actively refuse to give permission. I told him he makes his own choices and whatever I say goes in one ear and out the other anyway. He waited until I went to work today and got some. I told him last night too that I was surprised he hasn't mentioned anything since our chat a couple weeks ago where I got all the cards out on the table. He ummed and ahhed a bit and avoided it. So I said I think we need to discuss how we should make the separation work. He went for a shit. For an hour. And that was the end of that. Holy hell. This man. I'm not even close to joking when I say pulling teeth is easier!!! Someone just come remove him for me. I'm losing my patience. (That's probably well overdue actually!) Anyway. I'm getting stronger and mentally healthy by the day here. I could never have said these things to him before I found this place and started healing myself. Cheers team !! Xxx Courage and keep steady. I dont why but reading your post. This old song came into my head - I had forgotten this song for years. 50 WAYS TO LEAVE YOUR LOVER |
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Post by eternaloptimism on Jun 6, 2017 13:27:06 GMT -5
eternaloptimism Good job! You are getting stronger! Everything will work out. Keep walking the gauntlet and you will make it! Thanks dearest  . I really do feel the strength building. I might even even start to enjoy this gauntlet shenanigans he he xxx |
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Post by eternaloptimism on Jun 6, 2017 13:33:24 GMT -5
His strategy, to do nothing, has served him well Sister eternaloptimism He's effectively deployed this strategy since at least May25 last year, probably longer. His strategy is working, yours is not. It still appears that any strategy you adopt is one that does not require his co-operation. In other words, *you* will have to make the call, *you* will have to undertake all the heavy lifting, *you* will need to contact the womens shelter, *you* will have to get the legal advice, *you* will have to formulate your exit strategy and belt it into do-able shape, *you* will have to alert the local plods, etc etc. In short, *you* will have to drive the process. *You* will have to act unilaterally. And all those ducks (above) need to be lined up, solid and done, particularly in light of the possibility of a violent situation. I think the time has come where "talking" to him is done - other than to shine him on as you covertly get those ducks lined up. Aah baza ... he's been working the same bloody ticket since the first of October 1999! i have come to that place of realisation AT LAST! It takes me a while sometimes  I've been looking into my tenancy. Me leaving is not going to mean I can take my name off the agreement. If I leave I'll still be liable for everything. So it looks like my options are a. Persuade him to leave (as close to impossible as it gets!) or b. Stay until the tenancy runs out and move into my mothers... where he is s far from welcome. I wont be doing it in secret or covertly. The landlords will approach me late Aug or early sept to ask my intentions at the end of the tenancy (end of oct) i will be telling them, and him, that I will be ending the tenancy and moving out. He will have to find find his own place then or face eviction. But my name will not be anything to do with it then. Ill prep him well in advance. |
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Post by eternaloptimism on Jun 6, 2017 13:39:02 GMT -5
Courage and keep steady. I dont why but reading your post. This old song came into my head - I had forgotten this song for years. 50 WAYS TO LEAVE YOUR LOVER Ha haaaa... this is only one of my fave songs ever. Whacking it on now to do the dishes to |
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Post by hopingforachange on Jun 6, 2017 15:13:36 GMT -5
His strategy, to do nothing, has served him well Sister eternaloptimism He's effectively deployed this strategy since at least May25 last year, probably longer. His strategy is working, yours is not. It still appears that any strategy you adopt is one that does not require his co-operation. In other words, *you* will have to make the call, *you* will have to undertake all the heavy lifting, *you* will need to contact the womens shelter, *you* will have to get the legal advice, *you* will have to formulate your exit strategy and belt it into do-able shape, *you* will have to alert the local plods, etc etc. In short, *you* will have to drive the process. *You* will have to act unilaterally. And all those ducks (above) need to be lined up, solid and done, particularly in light of the possibility of a violent situation. I think the time has come where "talking" to him is done - other than to shine him on as you covertly get those ducks lined up. Aah baza ... he's been working the same bloody ticket since the first of October 1999! i have come to that place of realisation AT LAST! It takes me a while sometimes I've been looking into my tenancy. Me leaving is not going to mean I can take my name off the agreement. If I leave I'll still be liable for everything. So it looks like my options are a. Persuade him to leave (as close to impossible as it gets!) or b. Stay until the tenancy runs out and move into my mothers... where he is s far from welcome. I wont be doing it in secret or covertly. The landlords will approach me late Aug or early sept to ask my intentions at the end of the tenancy (end of oct) i will be telling them, and him, that I will be ending the tenancy and moving out. He will have to find find his own place then or face eviction. But my name will not be anything to do with it then. Ill prep him well in advance. Just remember a restraining order if he tries to pull his shenanigans again is also a valid option. You are looking out for both your self and the kids. |
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Post by DryCreek on Jun 6, 2017 15:32:21 GMT -5
eternaloptimism, perhaps another option... I gather you might be in an apartment complex? How about renting a new unit in the same place and keeping H off the new lease so he has no legal right to entry? It wouldn't be far to move your stuff, and the landlord might accommodate with the arrangements (e.g., security deposit, short overlap for moving property, etc.)
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. I really do feel the strength building. 
