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Post by pdan87 on Dec 7, 2016 1:38:42 GMT -5
So I posted here a while back about some of my history, but will give a short run down. I am married to my wife for 4.5 years now, completely sexless for last 18 months, mostly sexless for 2 years before that. We really haven't had a healthy sex life for most of our marriage. We had our first child in April. After 3 years of trying to fix things I had pretty much given up. About a year ago I just started to resign myself to a life of celibacy. However, over the last 2 to 3 months, my wife has started to take an interest in our physical relationship again. She says that she wants to fix things and have a normal sex life with me. I believe her (perhaps foolishly), and while I have concerns, I think it would be good for this to happen. The problem is, I have no drive to have sex. I am not interested in physical contact even though I think I want to be. I am worried that there is some lingering anger I am trying to deal with, but most of all, I am worried that the sexual being within me crawled deep inside a cavern that I can't find. I really don't know what to do on my end to fix this. I am worried because I recoil at the thought of being intimate. Any suggestions anyone?
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Post by JonDoe on Dec 7, 2016 2:14:30 GMT -5
Tear down those walls. You are dealing with resentment and putting up barriers to intimacy as a mechanism to protect yourself from rejection, assuming she was the refuser in your relationship.
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Post by eternaloptimism on Dec 7, 2016 4:12:40 GMT -5
So I posted here a while back about some of my history, but will give a short run down. I am married to my wife for 4.5 years now, completely sexless for last 18 months, mostly sexless for 2 years before that. We really haven't had a healthy sex life for most of our marriage. We had our first child in April. After 3 years of trying to fix things I had pretty much given up. About a year ago I just started to resign myself to a life of celibacy. However, over the last 2 to 3 months, my wife has started to take an interest in our physical relationship again. She says that she wants to fix things and have a normal sex life with me. I believe her (perhaps foolishly), and while I have concerns, I think it would be good for this to happen. The problem is, I have no drive to have sex. I am not interested in physical contact even though I think I want to be. I am worried that there is some lingering anger I am trying to deal with, but most of all, I am worried that the sexual being within me crawled deep inside a cavern that I can't find. I really don't know what to do on my end to fix this. I am worried because I recoil at the thought of being intimate. Any suggestions anyone? I think if you both want to work on it it's possible. But it's unusual in these circumstances for both partners to be aiming at the same goal. You have to figure out if you both want the same thing, or if you are both prepared to compromise to get to a happy place. I'm sorry you are in this boat with us  X |
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Post by baza on Dec 7, 2016 4:59:42 GMT -5
Your initial story cast your missus in the role of refuser, and "re-set sex" was in play.
That was 6 months ago, almost to the day.
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Now, it reads like some sort of role reversal has transpired - (if her claim of willingness is actually true) - and you are now nominally the refuser.
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In any event, in your original story, you ruled out outsourcing, and rejected divorce.
So essentially, there is only the staying option left - and that's what you are doing.
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If your missus is handling the truth a bit loosely concerning now being willing to get into it - and is actually quite ok with the cessation of rooting - then she at least will be happy about your reticence to engage.
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If your missus truly IS actually ready to get into it (which seems extraordinarily unlikely) then she is going to be really pissed off about your reticence to engage.
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So under one scenario she is happy. In the other she is unhappy.
Unfortunately for you, it appears that neither scenario is going to result in you being happy.
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Might be worth your while seeing an individual counsellor about how you are feeling. If there are deep seated anger issues in play, the earlier you start dealing with that, the better. Such issues, if present, probably need to be a priority. If you get those sorted the way ahead may seem much clearer.
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Post by beachguy on Dec 7, 2016 5:58:32 GMT -5
One suggestion: no matter how much your SM has fucked with your head, things will only continue to get worse. It never gets better. If anything it will go downhill at an accelerating pace.
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Post by beachguy on Dec 7, 2016 6:32:58 GMT -5
One more thought... your wife has spent the last 3-5 years intensively training you not to want her. She was wildly successful. If she now gets pissed off because you are not interested in her sudden advances, you might want to make that clear to her. You are not a light switch to be turned on and off. If it took her 3-4 years to get you where you are, it would likely take 3-4 years of similarly intensive training to get you back.
It is far, far, far more likely that your wife recognizes your new decided disinterest in her, and realizes the danger. Maybe she finally figured out the idea that if she doesn't take care of you, someone else eventually will. And maybe someone is taking care of you now, which might be why you no longer have any interest in her. Or it could be a control issue. The low libido spouse has total control over the marriage. Look at all the stories in your first post here, of husbands being perfect husbands just so their wives might take a little interest in them. Your wife has been controlling you for years without her having to say or do a single thing. Except say "No" to your advances. Now that you have no interest in her, that control has obviously vanished.
Or maybe she has changed her orientation. She is no longer asexual, she is a newly sprouted sexual person. I think it unlikely but that's your call.
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Post by bballgirl on Dec 7, 2016 7:29:12 GMT -5
If you both want to bring intimacy back to your relationship then some therapy might be helpful, individual and or marriage counseling. I agree with beachguy about the years of training you and now it could take years. You will both need to make a huge effort to be open, honest, and find some inner desire for each other. The good news is you don't have decades of resentment but resentment is tough to deal with. Good luck and stay true to yourself and what you want for yourself. |
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Post by lwoetin on Dec 7, 2016 8:19:47 GMT -5
Reads like laws of physics or thermodynamics
1) no matter how much your SM has fucked with your head, things will only continue to get worse.
2) It never gets better.
3) it will go downhill at an accelerating pace.
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Post by pdan87 on Dec 7, 2016 11:51:21 GMT -5
Thank you all for your feedback. I guess I probably need to seek some individual therapy first to try and get past my issues. It is just frightening to me that my own sexual desire is now non-existent, especially since this is the issue I have been trying to get her to work on for so long. I guess the other problem is that I am not fully prepared to discuss all of these issues with her because I don't want to hurt her by saying, "I don't want to have sex anymore." At the same time, these conversations are not constructive and end up being more of her crying and being upset, and I just dread the 3 day fight that this will breed. Has anyone else ever experienced this sheer loss of libido after their refuser came around? If so what did you do to get your groove back and let go of the anger?
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Post by bballgirl on Dec 7, 2016 12:05:27 GMT -5
@tl2 did get over the resentment maybe he can lend some support.
The fact that you are not decades deep in your deal gives you a chance.
Do you still find your wife attractive?
Are there other women you look at and have desire for?
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Post by novembercomingfire on Dec 7, 2016 12:18:11 GMT -5
Thank you all for your feedback. I guess I probably need to seek some individual therapy first to try and get past my issues. It is just frightening to me that my own sexual desire is now non-existent, especially since this is the issue I have been trying to get her to work on for so long. I guess the other problem is that I am not fully prepared to discuss all of these issues with her because I don't want to hurt her by saying, "I don't want to have sex anymore." At the same time, these conversations are not constructive and end up being more of her crying and being upset, and I just dread the 3 day fight that this will breed. Has anyone else ever experienced this sheer loss of libido after their refuser came around? If so what did you do to get your groove back and let go of the anger? Not the loss of libido per se, but certainly loss of sexual interest in my partner. Of course, my situation may have been different in that I was being offered what i knew would be about 5 minutes of disinterested reception on her part maybe 2-3 times a year, so it was a bit difficult to get really enthusiastic ... |
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Post by iceman on Dec 7, 2016 14:02:54 GMT -5
I can relate. Your description of your sexual being deep inside a cavern is spot on. I used to be a walking erection. Sex was constantly on my mind. Now after all this time and all those rejections I feel like my sexuality is dormant. Not dead, just dormant. I think it's a defense mechanism. One can only deisre and be constantly rejected so much without going crazy. Like you I suspect there is a lot of anger and resentment towards my wife that is suppressing my desire for her. I'm really have little hope that the damage that's been inflicted between us can be repaired. But I have no doubt that given the opportunity my sexual being will come roaring to life again. I just need to find somebody to help me start the engine. I think that will be the case for you.
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Post by beachguy on Dec 7, 2016 15:20:27 GMT -5
Has anyone else ever experienced this sheer loss of libido after their refuser came around? If so what did you do to get your groove back and let go of the anger? I wouldn't say she came around but she did try to reset me a couple of times. It was all rather incestuous after over 10 years of total celibacy. What did I do? I left. I had no other solution. When the relationship gets that toxic.... Look at it this way... How many years did she spend training you not to want her? She succeeded brilliantly. I think it is fair to assume it would take an equal number of years of her trying to jump you to reverse all the great training she's done. You up for it? Is she?  |
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Post by csl on Dec 7, 2016 17:22:10 GMT -5
Reads like laws of physics or thermodynamics 1) no matter how much your SM has fucked with your head, things will only continue to get worse. 2) It never gets better. 3) it will go downhill at an accelerating pace. And yet, we know that absolute statements like this, with its "never gets better", is just so much codswallop. True, MANY SMs do remain crap, but enough change through effort to disprove this as an absolute. |
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Post by csl on Dec 7, 2016 17:32:17 GMT -5
Thank you all for your feedback. I guess I probably need to seek some individual therapy first to try and get past my issues. It is just frightening to me that my own sexual desire is now non-existent, especially since this is the issue I have been trying to get her to work on for so long. I guess the other problem is that I am not fully prepared to discuss all of these issues with her because I don't want to hurt her by saying, "I don't want to have sex anymore." At the same time, these conversations are not constructive and end up being more of her crying and being upset, and I just dread the 3 day fight that this will breed. Has anyone else ever experienced this sheer loss of libido after their refuser came around? If so what did you do to get your groove back and let go of the anger? As to your wife: she doesn't know what she did to you. What folks don't realize is that our actions 'train' the other, teaching them. You've had a graduate course in Rejection, and you can't flip the switch, now that a green light has been shown to you. I am usually loath to link to Christian sites due to the antipathy of some, but this post by a former refuser could give your wife insight to some of the issues you are dealing with. I know you don't want a fight, but it might be nice for her to not be stumbling around in the dark. |
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