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Post by cagedtiger on Dec 5, 2016 10:53:06 GMT -5
So, I know there are other veterans in here too. My wife flipped out a while back when she realized my monthly disability checks were going into an account that wasn't under her control, it in her words, I "wasn't giving everything to the relationship" (she'd been told, and had forgotten about my disablity payments, but is all too happy to ask me to bring my VA ID card for the discount at Home Depot). I partially acquiesced and transfer the majority of the payment to the joint account every month, but she asked me if I'd just move the direct deposit to the joint account, because she thinks that would be more fair.
For anybody else getting a payment like this, am I bring unreasonable for feeling like i should keep that money separate, and feeling like it's "my" money?
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Post by bballgirl on Dec 5, 2016 11:05:18 GMT -5
Wow!! In the current state of your marriage I would recommend that you move that money back and even your regular paycheck move that direct deposit to your individual account.
Yes your wife is going to be angry and say that "you aren't giving everything to the relationship" but I would counter that statement that "she isn't giving everything to the relationship either". Call her out on her own bullshit!
There's nothing wrong with being honest and saying "look we live like roommates, this is not a normal marriage and will most likely end, and a roommate would not be entitled to your money.
She's clueless! No disrespect but it's the truth.
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Post by eternaloptimism on Dec 5, 2016 12:19:41 GMT -5
So, I know there are other veterans in here too. My wife flipped out a while back when she realized my monthly disability checks were going into an account that wasn't under her control, it in her words, I "wasn't giving everything to the relationship" (she'd been told, and had forgotten about my disablity payments, but is all too happy to ask me to bring my VA ID card for the discount at Home Depot). I partially acquiesced and transfer the majority of the payment to the joint account every month, but she asked me if I'd just move the direct deposit to the joint account, because she thinks that would be more fair. For anybody else getting a payment like this, am I bring unreasonable for feeling like i should keep that money separate, and feeling like it's "my" money? It might be different there Tiger, but here I'm pretty sure there is no hers and mine. The law may dictate she's entitled to half. With the situ as it is though, I think you'd be wise keeping it out of her hands for now with the spendathon she's currently on! At least when you're done you'll get half of some money instead of half of none 😬 And... personally, I think it should rightfully be all yours  |
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Post by cagedtiger on Dec 5, 2016 12:30:39 GMT -5
Actually, she won't be able to touch it post-divorce; I've already looked that up. So there's that, i guess.
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Post by DryCreek on Dec 5, 2016 12:47:16 GMT -5
I used to be of the "all in" mindset, that it's entirely a team deal, total transparency and shared accounts. (We'd gotten to a point that I had to tell her when I was going to buy her a gift so she wouldn't spoil the surprise by downloading the transaction.) Of late, I've come to appreciate the value of a bit more privacy and autonomy in my personal spending.
But in the case you describe, her spending is irresponsible. She's spending to exhaustion, which means anything you deposit will get squandered too. Even if she has legal right to half in a divorce, that doesn't mean you need to give her open license to spend it all during the marriage. If she can't be financially responsible, you *need* to enforce controls to keep her spending in check.
Someone close to me has had a similar experience, and his wife literally spent him into the poor house. He was set for a decent retirement, and is now struggling to make ends meet on Social Security, which is hardly enough.
So, to net out my perspective... A healthy relationship shouldn't have "his" and "hers" separate finances; they should largely be joint accounts. But each should also have some amount of funds to spend frivolously if they choose (whether it's on hobbies or gifts for the other spouse); not entirely secret, but not fully transparent either.
However, where the spouse is a financial disaster, and especially where things are headed to divorce, the last thing you'd want to do is head in a direction *toward* the above "shared fate". It's bad enough that you're financially responsible for their financial screw-ups and legal liabilities, but at least you can ensure that some of your finances are protected.
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Post by greatcoastal on Dec 5, 2016 13:01:13 GMT -5
A good question for an attorney. When looking for an attorney you will discover their web sites were they will answer your question on line. Sounds like a good standard question that wont require detail. You also wont need an appointment ,and it will be free.
What I am learning, as my divorce goes forward, anything that was shared for a short amount of time, or even a portion, will most likely get divided. (likely) Even if you withdrew all of it now, and placed it somewhere else the trail remains, in the bank statements.
Look at my case for an example. My attorney asks, "did you put your inheritance in a joint account?" I honestly answer, "I put it in the only account I had, a joint account. A check that was in my name only. Money that was understood as mine." Never entered my mind that it should be seperated. We also have a Charles Schwab account for IRA, 401k and stocks. Her domain, playland, if you will, not my expertise, or concern. It's turning out much of the money invested came from my inheritance. Now comes the moving of funds without my knowledge.
Things are looking more in my favor, even with a joint account.
Hopefully that helps, or maybe its more confusing?
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Post by baza on Dec 5, 2016 16:02:20 GMT -5
Given that you are giving her the arse in January, it seems unfathomable that you would want to further conjoin and complicate your financial links to her.
What is your lawyer suggesting to you Brother CT ?
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Post by obobfla on Dec 5, 2016 17:48:56 GMT -5
My opinion - unless she goes to a war zone and gets injured, it is your money. Since I am one of the many people paying that money, I hope my opinion counts.
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Post by nancyb on Dec 5, 2016 20:46:01 GMT -5
CagedTIger: I have only been on the board for a short time however I have read a bit of your history. Why would you even think of further entangling your life with your STBX? Give your big head a shake.
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Post by JonDoe on Dec 5, 2016 21:15:25 GMT -5
Wow!! In the current state of your marriage I would recommend that you move that money back and even your regular paycheck move that direct deposit to your individual account. Yes your wife is going to be angry and say that "you aren't giving everything to the relationship" but I would counter that statement that "she isn't giving everything to the relationship either". Call her out on her own bullshit! There's nothing wrong with being honest and saying "look we live like roommates, this is not a normal marriage and will most likely end, and a roommate would not be entitled to your money. She's clueless! No disrespect but it's the truth. : I'm not a lawyer nor do I play one on TV. It's too late to move it back. Once commingled it becomes a joint marital asset. Moving it back could possibly be construed as commingling as well. Any money earned while legally married it a join marital assets, and I believe that included the disability check. It is best to check with an attorney before taking financial actions. With that said, you can certainly keep your income separate, but it will be taken into account during divorce unless she and her attorney don't do their homework. |
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Post by bballgirl on Dec 5, 2016 21:23:28 GMT -5
Wow!! In the current state of your marriage I would recommend that you move that money back and even your regular paycheck move that direct deposit to your individual account. Yes your wife is going to be angry and say that "you aren't giving everything to the relationship" but I would counter that statement that "she isn't giving everything to the relationship either". Call her out on her own bullshit! There's nothing wrong with being honest and saying "look we live like roommates, this is not a normal marriage and will most likely end, and a roommate would not be entitled to your money. She's clueless! No disrespect but it's the truth. : I'm not a lawyer nor do I play one on TV. It's too late to move it back. Once commingled it becomes a joint marital asset. Moving it back could possibly be construed as commingling as well. Any money earned while legally married it a join marital assets, and I believe that included the disability check. It is best to check with an attorney before taking financial actions. With that said, you can certainly keep your income separate, but it will be taken into account during divorce unless she and her attorney don't do their homework. Yes money earned is a joined marital asset but every attorney I went to told me to open an account in my own name and have my paycheck deposited there. |
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