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Post by Deleted on Dec 4, 2016 19:36:46 GMT -5
So, I have gone out on a few dates with this guy who's nice, good, etc., but I'm just not into him. He reminds me of my first husband, which is NOT a good thing. All my life, I've been trying to force myself to fall for the guys who are crazy about me and easy to please. With very little success. Yes, I'm one of those stupid women who likes men who are a little more challenging and complicated.
I'm trying not to be this way. My therapist said I should give this guy a chance. So, I'm trying.
Anyway, last night I went out with him, and wished he would stop doing just about everything he was doing. And when I got home and went to sleep for the night, I had a dream about my refuser (now my ex.) In this dream, he was being cold and reluctant with me, and I was crying and asking him if we could get back together.
No wonder I've been in a low mood all day,
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Post by misssunnybunny on Dec 4, 2016 20:23:47 GMT -5
My guess is that your dreams are trying to tell you to not try and force this new guy to fit into your life. That everything he did you wanted him to stop, and then to dream about your husband--with whom you had a negative experience--leads me to think your subconscious was trying to tell you new guy is like the ex, and that being with new guy may be a repeat of the old relationship. The right guy is out there, but maybe don't keep trying to make this current one fit a mold he never will. Sorry you are in a low mood...this probably doesn't help! hugs
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Post by JMX on Dec 4, 2016 20:36:15 GMT -5
Hugs Kat. I am in a mood. Not low - but mad and super bitchy. Bleh. Hope yours passes soon.
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Post by becca on Dec 4, 2016 20:43:21 GMT -5
Someone can be nice, good, etc. but still not be what you need or want in your life. I am guessing your therapist just wants you out there trying and not throwing up walls but it sounds like you have some solid feedback from your time with him ("...wished he would stop doing just about everything he was doing") and your dream self agreed.
It's just as important to figure out what we don't want and need in a relationship. Now you can make room for the guy who is maybe a combination of complicated AND easy to please AND crazy for you (this part should be non-negotiable!).
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Post by obobfla on Dec 4, 2016 22:01:32 GMT -5
Well, I posted about dreams in another thread. But there is more. Try not to take dreams too seriously, @smartkat.
I gave up taking dreams seriously 20 years ago, and not just the drinking dreams. I remember having horrible dreams about being in a war, earthquakes, and other disasters. Then I woke up and realized that I fell asleep watching CNN, which featured stories of the Bosnian War, an earthquake, and other disasters. I dream about having sex with my wife, something that hasn't happened in three years. I must have also dreamed about having sex with a friend of mine because sometimes I wonder if we did (we never did).
I have come to the conclusion that dreams are nothing more than cloudy mirrors of our desires and worries. Sometimes in the middle of them, I realize that they don't make any sense. I turn the corner and I am a thousand miles away, or two people appear together who have never met in real life. Seriously, what is my grade school teacher doing with that asshole ex-boss of mine? If they were movies, they would have some real continuity problems.
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Post by obobfla on Dec 4, 2016 22:01:47 GMT -5
Damn this double-posting!
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Post by greatcoastal on Dec 4, 2016 22:20:48 GMT -5
All just a learning experience. We all learn the most valuable lessons through mistakes. Very , very proud of you for taking the risk, and exposing yourself to rejection. Just look how far you have come already! The things you notice, and the confidence to act upon it.
If you shoot for the stars and you miss it, you land on the moon. If you aim for the top of the cow fence and you miss it, well......you know what you land in!
If you don't quit, you can't loose. Don't think of this as quiting, think of it as not loosing. You gained more knowledge and experience. You were very giving, perhaps he will be grateful. His problem.
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Post by GeekGoddess on Dec 5, 2016 10:20:08 GMT -5
@smartkat - the thing I would try to do with this, if you can stomach it - is USE the experience. Either draw lessons from past dates with him (easiest) or maybe even - make it into a laboratory where you get to PRACTICE saying things to him like: You know, my therapist believes I ought to give you a chance. She thinks you may represent a chance at a healthy relationship. Me? I am not sure why I can't get turned on by your good behavior. Ballsy? Yes. But if it causes him to take wing, then so? You don't REALLY care to have him in your life and you could prove to yourself that you can speak up for what/who you really are. Just a thought.
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Post by bballgirl on Dec 5, 2016 10:37:15 GMT -5
I had a date, same scenario, very nice man and I told myself to give it a chance. So I tried, I even slept with him and it just wasn't there for me. He brought me flowers, took me out, lots of attention but no attraction on my part so I sent him a text to say I'm not ready to date too soon after the divorce and I didn't feel a romantic connection. He still kept texting me for days and finally I had to just not respond.
I felt like I would have become a refuser. I could tell so I cut the line.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 5, 2016 14:42:03 GMT -5
I had a date, same scenario, very nice man and I told myself to give it a chance. So I tried, I even slept with him and it just wasn't there for me. He brought me flowers, took me out, lots of attention but no attraction on my part so I sent him a text to say I'm not ready to date too soon after the divorce and I didn't feel a romantic connection. He still kept texting me for days and finally I had to just not respond. I felt like I would have become a refuser. I could tell so I cut the line. Thank you for telling me this. This is how I feel about the whole thing.
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Post by bballgirl on Dec 5, 2016 15:21:11 GMT -5
I had a date, same scenario, very nice man and I told myself to give it a chance. So I tried, I even slept with him and it just wasn't there for me. He brought me flowers, took me out, lots of attention but no attraction on my part so I sent him a text to say I'm not ready to date too soon after the divorce and I didn't feel a romantic connection. He still kept texting me for days and finally I had to just not respond. I felt like I would have become a refuser. I could tell so I cut the line. Thank you for telling me this. This is how I feel about the whole thing. You are welcome. Xoxo This is the way I look at it: I finally got my freedom, and leaving that SM was the hardest thing I ever had to do for myself. It really made my ex sad for me to leave after 23 years but for once I had to put myself first. So now if I know a man for a week or two and I'm not feeling it and I have to break up or put him in the friend zone and it makes him sad then so be it! How long does he know me?! Two weeks?! He'll get over it!! The key don't settle!!
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Post by Deleted on Dec 5, 2016 15:39:04 GMT -5
My guess is that your dreams are trying to tell you to not try and force this new guy to fit into your life. That everything he did you wanted him to stop, and then to dream about your husband--with whom you had a negative experience--leads me to think your subconscious was trying to tell you new guy is like the ex, and that being with new guy may be a repeat of the old relationship. The right guy is out there, but maybe don't keep trying to make this current one fit a mold he never will. Sorry you are in a low mood...this probably doesn't help! hugs Actually, maybe I was unclear - my first husband was not the same person as my refuser. That marriage had other problems, but H#1 was not a refuser. My refuser and I were not legally married, but were together for 14 years (lived together 10 years.) And the first 7 years were great. I thought I would never have to date again. I guess Life showed me! But, the fact that this man I went out with reminded me of H#1 (not the refuser) was also not good. H#1 was not very mature in some ways, and by the end of the marriage he got on my nerves to the max.
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Post by misssunnybunny on Dec 5, 2016 15:53:54 GMT -5
Ah, okay, sorry about that! I may have misread... Either way, someone who brings up such negative feelings is not worth pursuing. I agree with bballgirl, don't settle. (PS I admire you for dating; having a tough time putting myself out there to even try)
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Post by beachguy on Dec 5, 2016 19:04:13 GMT -5
Dating is a long process of selection. I'd be worried if you ended up shacking up with the first guy or two you dated.
Did you ever read the Fuck Yes! web page? It was linked back on EP and was an interesting way to look at dating. You deserve a guy that makes you think Fuck Yes!!!!!
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Post by baza on Dec 5, 2016 20:03:59 GMT -5
Just a meandering thought. Over my adult life, I would estimate that I have 'dated' probably 50 women (ranging from only once, to 'lots') Of these, there were 4 that got serious. Three, got very serious. One, ended up in marriage. (my ILIASM deal) - So basic logic says to me, that the odds of meeting "the one" at a night out at the pub / party etc, ain't real good. (like 1 in 50) In fact, the chances of meeting "the halfway reasonable" ain't real good either (probably about 1 in 10)
The chances of you meeting a dud (or them having the opinion that you are a dud) is pretty high.
The point. It doesn't seem realistic to me to expect / think that the next person you meet is very likely to be "the one" or even "the halfway reasonable".
Of course, you can get lucky, because there is no reason why "the one" couldn't be at #1 in the batting order sequence. But the odds are, they won't be. You might have to trial the whole sequence from 1 to 50 to discover the one. "If" you could be arsed doing so. And, personally, I could not be arsed with it. I wasn't dating, and had no intention of starting dating. Had Ms enna not happened along at #1 in the batting order at the right time for me (and her) I'd be single now, and I'd be quite ok with that.
But for those members who ARE dating / looking it seems to me that you are going to have to kiss a fair few frogs before the prince / princess emerges out of the ruck. (And, might I add, that I admire those of you who are dating for your resilience. Personally, I couldn't be bothered, too many dead ends for me).
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