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Post by fractured on Nov 28, 2016 10:53:26 GMT -5
My marriage has been what you would called "strained" for years. My work has taken me away for extended periods, 5-9 months at a time in addition to shorter month long trips in between. My wife has picked up the slack and been a hard working stay at home mother of two extremely active boys. We have grown apart emotionally over the years until we are two roommates just hanging out that happen to have two kids. I want to stay married, I want to be a Father, so I'm looking for some advice on coping with a sexless marriage. The lack of physical intimacy causes me great pain, anger, resentment. It has become hard for me to even look at a woman I am completely in love because I feel so much resentment. I know she craves emotional intimacy but it feels like a bridge to far. I feel like I am being selfish wanting "this" without first giving "that". Any advice on ways to cope, deal, engage is appreciated. Thank you
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Post by wom360 on Nov 28, 2016 11:10:01 GMT -5
Advice: get another job.
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Post by DryCreek on Nov 28, 2016 11:29:28 GMT -5
fractured, that much time away is really, really hard to maintain a healthy relationship. Never mind the workload of essentially being a single mom, but emotionally and physically you've both adapted to life alone. I can see how sex would be high on your list when coming home, and also how she might feel emotionally disconnected. She's had to be, even if you nurtured a *lot* of contact with her remotely (which isn't typical). You ask about how to give selflessly, expecting nothing in return. This is how it ought to be (for both of you), but it's damn hard to do when you're desperate for something from the other person. This is probably advice better sought from a marriage therapist, but I'd be inclined to suggest that you be as transparent with her as possible - that you're trying to give what she needs with no expectations; but at the same time you need something from her. Be clear that it's a not a tit-for-tat exchange in either direction, but you both need to be feeding the solution. As an aside, something you might use as a personal checkpoint... ask yourself how her life is better when you're home; how you add to her life (not just by offloading work). It's tempting to want a break, but easy to forget that she's been pulling double-duty too. I'm not suggesting you try to earn her affections with chores, but look at the scenario through her eyes. FWIW, DC
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Post by baza on Nov 29, 2016 2:27:49 GMT -5
These extended periods apart sure would put a bit of pressure on a marriage, and a bit of (controlled) pressure on a marriage is a good thing. It will test the underlying quality of the deal, and whether that testing reveals a solid base - or - a dysfunctional base is good knowledge to have.
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If the base is solid, then I'd figure that your job (presumably worth mega-dollars given the time you have to devote to it) is an integral part of the big picture, providing the financial underpinning for all concerned. If the base is solid, then the two of you ought be able to negotiate something you both can live with.
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On the other hand, if your deal is basically dysfunctional, then changing jobs (to a closer jurisdiction and far less money) would likely achieve nothing of substance. Under those circumstances, it probably doesn't make a real lot of difference what you do. You'll be most unlikely to be able to negotiate something you can both live with.
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Key seems to be, is the marriage at it's core, solid - or - dysfunctional ?
Your story reads like the latter.
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Post by fractured on Nov 29, 2016 9:23:00 GMT -5
All, I appreciate your input. To put a few questions to rest the job is not some mega millions job that is keeping me super rich and comfortable. I am in the military. I have done my best to be open and communicate during these times apart but I'm sure I have fallen flat (she has told me on a couple of occasions). Changing jobs does seem like the easiest solution on the surface. Trying to switch while supporting a family with two kids makes a man pause. No one wants their kids to suffer or be without ever.
Balancing family time with what is required of my job has been difficult. I have been trying to put more emphasis on quality time. I saw in another thread where someone had posed the question would you rather have optimism that there would be sex and live from occasion to occasion or rather it just be openly communicated that there would no longer be sex. I feel with my and the missus it has come to the later of the two where it's understood that there won't be any. Staying married in a physically absent marriage is hard. To read people's posts saying they have lived 5, 10, 15 years without this closeness I can only ask how they were able to accomplish it? How did you cope? I want to be married and raise my kids, if that means swallowing this pill I will. I just hope that there is some soy d advice out here on how to deal.
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Post by novembercomingfire on Nov 29, 2016 10:16:08 GMT -5
All, I appreciate your input. To put a few questions to rest the job is not some mega millions job that is keeping me super rich and comfortable. I am in the military. I have done my best to be open and communicate during these times apart but I'm sure I have fallen flat (she has told me on a couple of occasions). Changing jobs does seem like the easiest solution on the surface. Trying to switch while supporting a family with two kids makes a man pause. No one wants their kids to suffer or be without ever. Balancing family time with what is required of my job has been difficult. I have been trying to put more emphasis on quality time. I saw in another thread where someone had posed the question would you rather have optimism that there would be sex and live from occasion to occasion or rather it just be openly communicated that there would no longer be sex. I feel with my and the missus it has come to the later of the two where it's understood that there won't be any. Staying married in a physically absent marriage is hard. To read people's posts saying they have lived 5, 10, 15 years without this closeness I can only ask how they were able to accomplish it? How did you cope? I want to be married and raise my kids, if that means swallowing this pill I will. I just hope that there is some soy d advice out here on how to deal. North of 20 years for me, and I coped in the main with heavy drinking. I don't recommend this as a coping mechanism. I stayed mainly for my children, but also because i genuinely care about my wife. When I gave up the alcohol a few years ago, things spiralled progressively into an awareness that I wasn't really coping at all, and that my decision to stay as long as I did was not necessarily in the best interest of anyone. |
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Post by baza on Nov 29, 2016 23:14:40 GMT -5
Like Brother novembercomingfire, I trialed alcohol, and plenty of it at one point.
It was a good masking agent, and helped "me" cope, but it did very little for anyone else in the unit.
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I tried being more open, but that requires two participants, and I found I couldn't carry that load solo for long. But it sort of / kinda worked for a short while.
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I tried withdrawing, matching my efforts to those efforts my spouse made. That worked in keeping the peace for a while.
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What worked best for me (over the last 5 years of my deal) was when I took a searching inventory of my deal, and realised it had morphed in to a "Financial Partnership". That was what it was. And from that day forward I dropped any expectation of it ever being anything more than that.
That was pretty liberating, and as I said above, it worked for a bit over 5 years.
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But my deal was quite dysfunctional, and ultimately could not even support a "Financial Partnership". And it failed, and we parted company after 3 decades.
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I think a big risk you are running here Brother fractured, is assuming that the continuation of your deal (however you envisage it being) is solely at your discretion.
It isn't.
Your missus may be way sicker of the situation than you are.
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I hope you find something of value concerning coping from within the group, but personally I ain't seen a refused spouse in here yet who appears even the least bit happy about it.
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Post by cagedtiger on Dec 5, 2016 11:16:36 GMT -5
fractured, it sounds like there's a lot of resentment built up there on her part, which is understandable, but at the same time, she should know that comes with the job. Don't know which branch you're in (I was Navy), but have y'all looked into taking advantage of some of the counseling services offered on base? Not sure what Army/ Air Force call it, but the Navy and Marines have the Fleet and Family Support Centers that offer these services, and I've heard mostly very good things. Maybe that could be a start? Also, what do you all do to try and reconnect when you're home from deployment or back between dets?
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Post by cagedtiger on Dec 5, 2016 11:17:24 GMT -5
Also, how long have you been in, and were you planning on making a career of it?
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