The Refused Empath

Extreme empathy is a curse of sorts. I have it too. Like X-ray vision for things you don't want to see.

I've never been able to turn it all the way off, but I spend a lot of time on support boards on Reddit. Seeing patterns among the people writing in -- so many people with the same stories -- helps me to see where the X is coming from, in a more objective way. That is, I can be outraged for someone else and then think, hey... that's what happened to me too.... and then be outraged on my own behalf. Redirect the empathy toward earlier-me, a bit.

Depends why the person is making your life miserable. If it is because of malice then yes the empathy is surely misplaced. But if the reason is physical or psychological then that person does deserve your empathy.

It's because you're a kind person.  If you ask me, that's a damn good thing.  We need more people like you in this world.   I can relate to what you are saying.  I am not sure I qualify as an empath.  I've done online tests and found that I don't score terribly high.  Still, I can be compassionate and caring to a fault.  It can be hard to find that line between healthy and unhealthy compassion and empathy.

May I suggest that it is possible to feel sorry for your wife yet still be firm in creating your boundary and enforcing it?  You don't need to be uncaring to enforce a boundary.  You're allowed to feel sorry for her if she's unable to keep herself from crossing that boundary (for whatever reason).  It may simply not be within her capability to meet your needs to a reasonable level.   If you ask me, there's nothing wrong with feeling sorry for her for not being able to provide what most people need in a fulfilling relationship.   It certainly is a bit sad to know that our spouses are missing something that is crucial to a loving relationship.  Still, it's not fair that you must absorb the problem and sacrifice a part of yourself that is critical to your well being.  So in my opinion, the key is to not let your empathy keep you from being kind to yourself.

All you can do is let her know what you expect from the marriage, tell her the natural consequences of her not fulfilling those expectations within a reasonable level, and then delivering said consequences if she simply can't get things together.  All of that can be done in a firm yet kind and compassionate manner.  It's not easy, but it can be done if you ask me.  It's definitely the way I'm trying to get this sorted out.  I'm hoping that my firm yet kind approach will pay dividends some day down the road if I decide to leave.  We all will most likely be co-parenting with our spouses if we divorce so finding the least destructive way to end the marriage may be in the best interests of everyone.  I think with that in mind, your empathy may be a major ally in the long run.  

I don't know.  I guess what I'm saying is that I don't think you should aim to turn off your empathy but instead embrace it and see it as a strength and use it as such.   Like I mentioned above, I would like to suggest that you turn that empathy inward at times too.  Make sure you are being kind to yourself most of all.   Balancing self care and care for others can be a bitch for those of us that tend to be caring individuals.  Lately, with my hopes of balancing things out better, I tend to err on the side of caution and take better care of myself than others.  It feels selfish at times, but I try to remind myself that my idea of what is selfish is a bit skewed and I'm probably still being much more giving than I give myself credit for.

I think I suffer from the same curse. I listen. I hear what he says. I understand the demands people make of him. I understand that he needs downtime. But....why can't I be part of the downtime that he so desperately needs? Why can't he find relaxation and the ability to de-stress through me? 

He can say the simplest things that rip my heart out. If I were more "this" or less "that", things would be better, hinting that he would have more energy for sex. If i didnt use that moisturizer, or that stuff on my hair or the lipstick or ........whateverthefuck. I am told I'm too sensitive. I hold on to things too long. I need to let them go. There are more important things than sex.

Then I found EP. I found myself. I'm getting stronger. I'm getting what I need. Is there a chance I'll fall in love with someone? I doubt it. I have to learn to love myself first.