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Post by Deleted on Nov 28, 2016 0:26:59 GMT -5
I do know, having been in this situation, that it's important to talk early about how you would handle future horrible situations that might occur - like, how would you handle it if one of you became incapacitated in some way? Or developed a chronic illness?
Did somebody here just say hindsight is 20/20?
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Post by bballgirl on Nov 29, 2016 18:22:24 GMT -5
I can relate to how you feel. I was in a SM for 2 decades.
Right now I'm very jaded to marriage and see it as a prison.
In regards to your question about if you get into a serious relationship again and it becomes sexless:
I think in a relationship expectations should be discussed and known.
If I were in a serious committed relationship then he would know that I divorced because there wasn't sex in the relationship and that's a dealbreaker for me. I would tell the man to figure out what the problem is and if it's medical then he can get help from a dr. If it's psychological or no desire then we aren't compatible and the relationship has run its course.
To some degree I think relationships have a shelf life.
Children, mortgages, finances hold bad marriages together.
Sex holds good marriages together.
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Post by GeekGoddess on Nov 29, 2016 22:22:37 GMT -5
The lessons I learned from the SM aren't so much about sex as they are about me, about connection, and about communication. I read somewhere (on EP) that if you can't masturbate in front of each other, you're with the wrong partner. As in - it's okay you don't want to have a go, but I'm going to take care of me and you aren't going to shame me about it - as when you want to take care of you but I'm just not into it, I won't make you feel bad for that (and I may get interested during the proceedings). I'm not at that stage of evolved maturity maybe yet - but it's a goal. To be able to talk to my partner the way we do here - that is crucial. Like I say - I'm not there yet probably but it is an aim. I will have to feel safe SAYING what I'd like to do or what I don't want to try again or all of that - physically, emotionally (even spiritually) safe - - and that includes sexually safe as in - if I try some thing I read about, even if it brings laughter for not working "like the book shows" - it won't bring *SHAME* - it will be something we can do again, try to perfect, not do again, throw out the book together - whatever. In my SM - the early years didn't have that many signs - but they did have some signs. I had not had long-term intimate relationships prior to my Ex - lots of short term ones but no long-term. So I wasn't good at knowing how much of my thoughts/feelings was appropriate to share. I let him shut me down often (verbally, emotionally). I won't stand for that crap "next time" around. I don't believe I'd like to marry again. I think what I'd like is to have a committed, dedicated relationship - all the more "precarious" in that way would mean we HAVE to talk things through (over & over as life changes). It's just what I envision - I haven't carved it in stone. On EP, or somewhere, was a good article about "Choose Her Every Day" - - because one day of growing apart, or two days in a row "tolerating" each other - - that's a signal and I'll get all cagey about it. Neither partner should take the other for granted - and I hope that I'll hold my own feet to the fire on that aspect as much I would my new (lucky) partner. As baza points out, we've each had the most real laboratory of love experiments that one could muster. That we survive through it is a minor (or major) miracle. That we still hope to move on to healthy relationships in our future is a testimony to OUR nature. I've learned a ton from the SM and I have learned two tons about myself through the process of identifying issues & deciding to take control of my life in the areas I can (like: file & move out). I think you will do okay nancyb - even if you don't have that faith this moment. I had many times so far that I thought: but I don't KNOW anything about relationships! But truth is - I do. I know what I don't want. I have a good idea on some things I do want. I know a few things I must have (respectful adventurous sex). The rest will work itself out I believe. |
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Post by baza on Nov 29, 2016 22:44:59 GMT -5
Over my time on EP and here, there seem to be a helluva lot of stories from women who were originally in abusive (some verbal, some physical, some sexual, some "all of the above") relationships.
Then, in the next relationship, they got in to a deal without those above unsavoury elements, but genuine engagement in communication, intimacy, sex, was also lacking.
From one extreme to another, out of an overtly abusive shithole and straight in to an ILIASM shithole.
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I think it is critical that one does a full and complete autopsy on a failed relationship - preferably before launching in to another.
After all, the price a dysfunctional relationship costs you is a very very steep tariff, and it would be a tragedy not to learn everything last thing possible out of the wreckage.
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It is certainly a good base to know what you don't want, but establishing what you DO want, what you will NOT tolerate, what your boundaries ARE is equally important.
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You have made remarkable progress Sister GG.
Quite remarkable.
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Post by solodriver on Nov 30, 2016 0:33:48 GMT -5
My sex life in my relationship of 19 years was over-the-top. Both were on the same page when it came to an emotional and sexual relationship. He taught me what a intimate relationship was. However, when I was faced with the REAL world.... I was naive. I had no clue that 'couples' didn't have sex and/or had sex issues. I thought everyone had a sex life like mine. Lets say I got a rude awakening...... Why are nice girls here? Trying to figure out what went wrong. Lol Lexus I don't thing that us, as the refused, are the ones who went wrong. It was our refuser spouses who decided to dictate when (if ever) and how our sex life was going to be done, instead of it being a shared, loving, romantic, exploring experience that it was always meant to be. |
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