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Post by thebaffledking on Nov 27, 2016 5:11:09 GMT -5
During the time you're trapped in your ILIASM shithole, would you prefer having some hope that sex might happen, even if it means being turned down dozens of times to every one time your spouse dictates that 'tonight's the night'? Or would you just rather know with cold, cruel certainty that it's just NOT going to happen anymore as long as you stay?
I'm in the 2nd camp -- and I'm about to drop a thunderbolt on her ass (no - not anal, I mean divorce her)......... You?
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Post by baza on Nov 27, 2016 5:38:41 GMT -5
Personally, back in the day, I obeyed basic human nature.
I took what I saw as being the easiest option at that time.
And, at that time, what I saw as the easiest option was to stay and cop the isolation and loneliness.
I saw that as being way easier than confronting the issue and the unknown.
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Of course, as the hurt accrued the scales started to ever so slowly, tip.
At some point, I got to a 50/50 position where I couldn't decide which was the easiest option, staying or going. Both were carrying a similar amount of pain.
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A few more years of hurt, a few more years of pain, and I saw the easiest option as leaving.
And I left.
Best call I ever made - but it took forever.
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Specifically in regard to your point - " having some hope that sex might happen " - I had long given up on that possibility. Indeed. the idea of rooting my spouse was not on my mind very much, if at all during the last 5 years or so.
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Post by bballgirl on Nov 27, 2016 5:43:08 GMT -5
I found peace when I knew sex wasn't going to happen because I no longer wanted him.
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Post by thebaffledking on Nov 27, 2016 5:54:45 GMT -5
Same here, bbgirl. I find my wife really gross these last few years, even though she hasn't changed much. People who do what she has done are gross through and through.
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Post by nancyb on Nov 27, 2016 7:49:22 GMT -5
I would have rather known straight up that I hadn't a hope in hell of having sex rather than hanging onto every tiny act of kindness as a possible invitation to more intimacy.
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Post by nancyb on Nov 27, 2016 7:55:01 GMT -5
I am still physically attracted to my spouse but this is lessening now that we are leading separate lives. The thought of intercourse with him after all this time just feels awkward and wrong now.
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Post by brian on Nov 27, 2016 8:57:41 GMT -5
I'm with baz on this one. For the longest time, I held out hope that if I just did or said the right thing(s), she would want to engage in a little intimacy. I abruptly reached my tipping point this past anniversary when we had a horrible attempt at intimacy (greatly wanted on my part, but it was very forced and non-loving on her part) that ended before it really began. At that moment, I no longer saw her as a sexual creature and am working on my next steps.
so... I lived for years under the "hope tonight is the tonight" banner, but am now fully accepting that it's never going to happen. I have even told her that she can't give me what I want, a statement that she takes offense to, but she won't listen to what I want. It's not "just sex" that I want. I want to have sex with someone that finds sex fun and pleasurable... and wants to have sex with me. I think that's all 3 strikes for my complicated legal housemate.
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Post by worksforme2 on Nov 27, 2016 17:04:38 GMT -5
My X was fairly predictable when it came to sex. She(we) were on the quarterly schedule, meaning that she pretty much regularly was "in the mood" roughly every 90 days or so. So I could somewhat plan on getting my oil changed 4 times a yr. And every so often I would get the occasional bj to tide me over until the end of the quarter.
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Post by cagedtiger on Nov 28, 2016 8:52:01 GMT -5
I'm also in the second camp. To be honest, even when we were having sex, most of the time it was mechanical and really not that satisfying for me- often, she'd finish, I'd often finish, then go see to myself a few minutes later. Add in that I quit really seeing her as a sexual being a long time ago, and it adds up to just being ready for somebody I'm not bored or mostly dreading sex with.
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