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Post by DryCreek on Nov 21, 2016 17:03:36 GMT -5
I suspect he has a new partner...why do I feel so pissed off and jealous? I know it will be the same pattern of behaviour with anybody else. This would explain why he had the courage to ask for a divorce. I know this might be hard to swallow, but look on it as opportunity. Whatever his motivation (even if it's another woman), he's been catalyzed to do what was inevitable, and to be cooperative about it. Painful as it is, this will lead to the fastest resolution and enable you to get on with your life, which offers much more potential for happiness. Without his motivation, you would likely have squirmed in limbo for a very long time before you threw in the towel, as is very common here. Whether our spouses are intimacy-averse, closet homosexuals, asexual posers, or just don't enjoy sex with us... what really matters is that they *aren't* having sex with us. The intimacy is gone, regardless of why or where. If you focus on the condition and how you're going to resolve it, that will get you to the destination fastest. Escape / healing is more essential than root cause analysis. And for what it's worth, if H thinks he's the one asking for the divorce, you're probably in an advantageous position. That is, he's likely to concede more than normal to get the divorce. You could always argue that conceding your request is cheaper than battling it out in court. |
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Post by Deleted on Nov 21, 2016 21:06:57 GMT -5
nancyb, welcome! You are in the right place. There are loads of us in the situation as you. Although it's most likely for the best that you are divorcing - I also know that you are probably still affected by the pain and grief and shame of his rejection. You probably still feel pain over this, so I won't sugarcoat it. Instead, I hope you understand that it's normal to feel bad - even if, at the same time, you are relieved to have resolution. Keep coming back, and read lots of stories. And tell us your stories. Every person who has contributed here has helped others.
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Post by lwoetin on Nov 22, 2016 1:39:54 GMT -5
My thanks to you all for a warm welcome. In an addendum to the above post. Things came to a head this weekend. Huge confrontation and the outcome is...my refusing husband want a divorce. States we have been 'living a lie' for 14 years and he has been unhappy and lonely for many. I feel so sad and angry but a little relieved. We never had any children together so 50/50 split. So it seems we have both been unhappy and alone in our marriage. I guess the lack of sex should have been a clue. I will be okay. I have a good job; a pal that's a divorce lawyer; and am working on my social network. Let someone else deal with his dismal libido... He would throw away 28yrs of marriage instead of trying to provide more intimacy and effort in marriage. He must really hate having sex. I'm sorry you are going through this rough period. And good luck finding someone more suitable and caring. |
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Post by nancyb on Nov 22, 2016 19:50:05 GMT -5
I can't say I am feeling so fantastic today. I have this irrational fear that because my STBX refused all my advances over the years that perhaps I've lost my ability to be attractive to men period. How does one rebuild their self esteem after years of being told through his actions that you're not sexy? I'm not talking so much about what I look like...I have no illusions I am 55...but that inner sense of getting your groove back? Maybe it will just take time and as I take each little step towards freedom it will grow? That is my hope springing eternal.  |
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Post by Deleted on Nov 22, 2016 20:39:21 GMT -5
I can't say I am feeling so fantastic today. I have this irrational fear that because my STBX refused all my advances over the years that perhaps I've lost my ability to be attractive to men period. How does one rebuild their self esteem after years of being told through his actions that you're not sexy? I'm not talking so much about what I look like...I have no illusions I am 55...but that inner sense of getting your groove back? Maybe it will just take time and as I take each little step towards freedom it will grow? That is my hope springing eternal. Remember the phrase 'one man's trash is another man's treasure'? It totally blows you're feeling this way. I get it. I was self-conscious of so many things. Like you, I have no illusions of certain things. I'm overweight and middle-aged. Who the hell is going to want me? A couple years ago, I got a haircut from long and stringy to above my shoulders. Holy shit, what an improvement. And there's something called shapewear I never knew about. Now, I haven't had to beat anyone away with a stick, but a few gents came out of the woodwork. Soon, my posture improved and I started smiling. What will work for you? I don't know, you have to find it. Try little things one by one, and if you feel better, keep it up. This group (most of us, anyway 😒) will be your biggest cheerleader on your journey. |
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Post by unmatched on Nov 22, 2016 20:52:03 GMT -5
I can't say I am feeling so fantastic today. I have this irrational fear that because my STBX refused all my advances over the years that perhaps I've lost my ability to be attractive to men period. How does one rebuild their self esteem after years of being told through his actions that you're not sexy? I'm not talking so much about what I look like...I have no illusions I am 55...but that inner sense of getting your groove back? Maybe it will just take time and as I take each little step towards freedom it will grow? That is my hope springing eternal. Sexless marriages do bad things to your brain, but not irreversible ones. You start to feel unattractive, you spend so much time squashing down your natural responses that after a while they don't even bother poking their heads up any more. By the time things are bad enough to end it, you feel pretty much flatlined. But your mojo will come back. Start doing things for yourself, start exercising if you don't already, start buying nice things and clothes for yourself, and soon enough your groove will start to find itself again. It probably won't happen overnight, and you will probably find all kinds of messed up thought processes and behaviours that you didn't even know you had developed, but just focus on being alive and feeling everything you can, and soon enough you will feel like a different person. |
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Post by thebaffledking on Nov 22, 2016 21:07:01 GMT -5
I my case, my mojo remained bigtime........what i lost was my sense of an independent 'self'. Years and years and years of wondering what you did wrong and how to make it better (when in fact it was all because of HER issues and nothing to do with me), will really mess you up. It seems like it would be easy to undo, but it's hard as fuck. Hardest thing I've ever done. But I am FINALLY finding my way back to the badass I have always been, chipping away at the layers of shit like Rodin on speed.
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Post by misssunnybunny on Nov 23, 2016 16:50:00 GMT -5
I can't say I am feeling so fantastic today. I have this irrational fear that because my STBX refused all my advances over the years that perhaps I've lost my ability to be attractive to men period. How does one rebuild their self esteem after years of being told through his actions that you're not sexy? I'm not talking so much about what I look like...I have no illusions I am 55...but that inner sense of getting your groove back? Maybe it will just take time and as I take each little step towards freedom it will grow? That is my hope springing eternal. nancy, I have been out of my SM a little while. It does take time to feel attractive and get back that self esteem. I have don't counseling and have a great support system, both here in this group, and in my offline world. Both have helped tremendously to rebuild myself, find the sunnybunny I thought had disappeared. It has been an adventure finding myself again, and I am happy that my sense of who I am has returned. It wasn't lost, just hidden during the years of my SM. Take care of yourself, talk, get support. You'll get your groove back. |
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Post by Deleted on Nov 26, 2016 2:22:12 GMT -5
Nancy, my wife had an affair about 17 years ago. I have never been able to get over it. She refused counseling for many years. We have been going to counseling for 6 months, but it is for other reasons.
The affair killed me and ruined my life. I was in love and was glad to be that way. I was (and still am) a very dedicated husband. She betrayed me! There is nothing that she could have done to hurt me more, NOTHING.
I love her and I hate her.
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