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Post by nancyb on Nov 20, 2016 19:35:42 GMT -5
I am happy to have finally found this site. I have married for 28 years...limited sex in the first 14 and no sexual intimacy in the last 14 year. There have been cuddles and hugs but no tongue kissing or intercourse. My husband has completely denied there is any problem. He just kept saying he has a low libido and now he is saying that he has been unable to be sexually intimate with me because of an infidelity on my part 20 years ago. This is a new excuse that has appeared because I am starting to question whether he is latently gay and doesn't know it. He refuses to either discuss it or see anyone about it. My self esteem is in the toilet and as much as I know in my head it's not my problem it sure feels like this is my fault somehow. Why have I stayed? Plain and simple I love him but I just can't contain myself anymore. In the past I was a sexually adventurous woman. Now I am approaching 55 and I wonder how this could have happened. I feel shameful about this and haven't even discussed it with my therapist. Everyone from the outside thought we had the perfect marriage. Nothing could be farther from the truth.
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Post by nancyb on Nov 20, 2016 19:41:25 GMT -5
OOps it appears I inadvertently posted in the wrong place. Sorry.
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Post by thebaffledking on Nov 20, 2016 19:47:46 GMT -5
Welcome! You'll be pleasantly surprised, perhaps, to find your story is the norm around here.
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Post by unmatched on Nov 20, 2016 20:16:53 GMT -5
OOps it appears I inadvertently posted in the wrong place. Sorry. No, this is definitely the right place! |
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Post by Deleted on Nov 20, 2016 20:26:56 GMT -5
Hello nancyb and welcome to the club nobody wants to be a member of. It is a really good group of people who can relate to you well. |
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Post by skguy on Nov 20, 2016 21:07:00 GMT -5
Welcome. A good thing about this place is you'll realize it's not you.
You'll be able to relate to others stories I'm guessing.
I'm sorry you've had so many years without. You deserve so much more.
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Post by baza on Nov 20, 2016 21:34:46 GMT -5
"Everyone from the outside thought we had the perfect marriage" you say Sister nancyb.
In all probability, that won't be right.
People are more intuitive than we may think, but those in your circle who have intuited 'all is not well' likely are regarding it as not their place to say anything. Particularly if you have been part of the act that everything is great.
Your therapist (if they are any good) have likely picked up on this too, but may be waiting for you to take the lead in shining a light on the issue.
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I would suggest you read - extensively - here, to find your feet initially, and I would strongly recommend that you DO tell your therapist the full story, painful and all as that will be.
The therapist can't really be of full support to you if they don't have the relevant parts of the picture.
So too your friends.You could be squandering another source of support there.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 20, 2016 23:06:31 GMT -5
nancyb welcome. You're most definitely in the right place. Pull up a chair, I'll buy the next round. Your story is pretty common here, and you aren't alone. Before most of us found EP, and subsequently ILIASM, we probably all thought, 'my god, I must be the only one going through this.' You aren't. We aren't. Own up to what's yours. I know I'm not perfect, but I deserve touch and intimacy. Largely, this isn't your fault. We're here for whatever path you choose to take.
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Post by nancyb on Nov 21, 2016 5:49:11 GMT -5
My thanks to you all for a warm welcome. In an addendum to the above post. Things came to a head this weekend. Huge confrontation and the outcome is...my refusing husband want a divorce. States we
have been 'living a lie' for 14 years and he has been unhappy and lonely for many. I feel so sad and angry but a little relieved. We never had any children together so 50/50 split.
So it seems we have both been unhappy and alone in our marriage. I guess the lack of sex should have been a clue.
I will be okay. I have a good job; a pal that's a divorce lawyer; and am working on my social network. Let someone else deal with his dismal libido...
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Post by beachguy on Nov 21, 2016 9:38:44 GMT -5
nancyb , your H did you a huge favor. Not many people solve their SM 10 hours after their intro here. And it is very rare that a LT refuser is the one that wants out. It may not feel like a good outcome yet but if you read a few dozen back stories you may come to realize it. I hope you find peace and happiness in your new life. PS: You aren't the only one here wondering if our spouses are closet gays. I've never ruled it out and I suspect most of us have given that serious consideration. Perhaps that is the lie he has been living?
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Post by DryCreek on Nov 21, 2016 10:11:36 GMT -5
nancyb, many of us here could use your motivation to action! I'll agree with beachguy, your H is saving you a lot of angst by ripping off the Band-Aid quickly (after a mere 14 years, of course). Now your challenge will be sticking to it and not letting him rethink. If you can get through this uncontested, it will be fast and cheap. Stick to it and keep it moving forward at a rapid pace.
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Post by nancyb on Nov 21, 2016 14:31:19 GMT -5
Yesterday I felt a strange euphoria but today I'm just kinda shocked, sad, and scared. Called my lawyer today and have put her on retainer. STBX and I have established Wednesday night as 'divorce night' a time to discuss the progress of the separation. I suspect he has a new partner...why do I feel so pissed off and jealous? I know it will be the same pattern of behaviour with anybody else. This would explain why he had the courage to ask for a divorce. This too shall pass but it's a rough go today.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 21, 2016 15:46:28 GMT -5
nancyb , your H did you a huge favor. Not many people solve their SM 10 hours after their intro here. And it is very rare that a LT refuser is the one that wants out. It may not feel like a good outcome yet but if you read a few dozen back stories you may come to realize it. I hope you find peace and happiness in your new life. PS: You aren't the only one here wondering if our spouses are closet gays. I've never ruled it out and I suspect most of us have given that serious consideration. Perhaps that is the lie he has been living? I gave that some heavy-duty thought until I saw the porn he likes. |
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Post by beachguy on Nov 21, 2016 15:49:15 GMT -5
nancyb , your H did you a huge favor. Not many people solve their SM 10 hours after their intro here. And it is very rare that a LT refuser is the one that wants out. It may not feel like a good outcome yet but if you read a few dozen back stories you may come to realize it. I hope you find peace and happiness in your new life. PS: You aren't the only one here wondering if our spouses are closet gays. I've never ruled it out and I suspect most of us have given that serious consideration. Perhaps that is the lie he has been living? I gave that some heavy-duty thought until I saw the porn he likes. That's the acid test I guess. The one time I looked at my STBX's internet history it was totally devoid of anything remotely sexual, in keeping with her overall personality. |
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Post by thefullmoon on Nov 21, 2016 16:49:44 GMT -5
My thanks to you all for a warm welcome. ...........I will be okay. I have a good job; a pal that's a divorce lawyer; and am working on my social network. Let someone else deal with his dismal libido... You will not be OK... You will be FANTASTIC! |
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