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Post by eternaloptimism on Nov 20, 2016 3:37:45 GMT -5
One big realization I've had is that I am giving all my power away.......even down to thinking 'when will it be a good time, for her, to hear that I'm leaving for good', or maybe 'something will happen to do this on its own (aka divine intervention) and I'll be good to go!' It's insanity, I know. I need to give myself permission to be very very selfish, in the most positive way, and shut her out completely. I don't know whose life I think I'm living here, but come on, man! I have read several books on codependence, years ago, and worked through all the exercises ad nauseum. I think I just need to allow myself to enjoy the happiness and freedom for the future I clearly envision, and not feel guilty about it (although I don't really feel guilt......it's more like admitting failure and being okay with that, being teflon to it). Like I need permission to go be happy? Whose? My own? Hers? WTF. I need to stop trying to be so damn perfect and unassailable in all that I do -- it threatens to make me a very lonely and regretful old geezer. This is bullshit. Feeling the same bullshit here man. And I only just figured out this codependency stuff too. So you've got a head start on me! Time for some changes! |
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Post by thebaffledking on Nov 20, 2016 9:07:59 GMT -5
You don't actually "need" an event, or a "moment", or "an optimal time" to drop the bomb. There is no "good time" for this action - it will be as rough as guts on you whenever you do it, however you do it. Might as well be as soon as you have your exit strategy in do-able shape. - If you are going to wait for the planets line up before you drop the bomb, chances are that really, you ain't ready to drop that bomb at all (and there's nothing wrong with that either) - It is always advisable to try and get to the *real* reason one is not prepared to walk away. I think your *real* reason is NOT "a timing issue". It is far more likely to be good old "fear". Fear of the big scene if you drop the bomb. Fear of financial armageddon. Fear of (insert your particular concern here). Yes, baz, fear of the 'big scene' is major -- though I know I have no control over whatever happens with her.......I'm constructing my exit 'speech' right now......very short and to-the-point. I won't allow a scenario where she burns me with her gaslights. A couple of sentences and I'm done for the day. The rest can wait......I just want to let her know the marriage is over, untenable, incompatible, unfulfilling, unhappy, and inadequate (as civilly as I can). |
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Post by thebaffledking on Nov 20, 2016 9:13:04 GMT -5
What would this ideal moment look like for you? Are you looking for a moment of introspection, or a 'where are we' kind of exchange? Are are you hoping she will do something completely fucking unreasonable so you can blow up and storm out? Or something else? I tried several times over the years to tell her how distraught I was over what was happening....back when I gave a shit. It's been 3 or 4 years since I've known it was over for me, and have spent those years coming back to life (I had been suicidal for a couple of years - never acted upon, but had it planned out). So no -- all I want this to be is me telling her I'm done, and to not let myself be guilted or shamed into saying more than I want to. I owe her nothing anymore. She twisted and defiled and scoffed at everything I ever said to her when trying to tell her how much I was hurting. Screw her. Let's share the pain, shall we? I just want to move on. |
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Post by thebaffledking on Nov 20, 2016 9:16:43 GMT -5
Just like many of us crave to know "why", when the "why" doesn't matter - the only things that really matter are actions, results, and their disinterest in a fix. Or the idea that we need to explain our reasoning when splitting. That they need to see the justice in our decision, and own their role in the consequences. The laughable idea that if we list their faults, that they'll see the light, be cooperative, and emerge a better person. No... they will be in shock, angry, vindictive, and nothing you say will be viewed constructively, if it's even heard. RESPONSE: Not sure why this won't let me type outside the quote box!! Yes, I have been down these rabbit holes.......wanting to be validated in some way.......but no, it's never coming and it doesn't matter. It's a stupid 'want' when this far gone. |
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Post by JonDoe on Nov 20, 2016 10:06:35 GMT -5
You don't actually "need" an event, or a "moment", or "an optimal time" to drop the bomb. There is no "good time" for this action - it will be as rough as guts on you whenever you do it, however you do it. Might as well be as soon as you have your exit strategy in do-able shape. - If you are going to wait for the planets line up before you drop the bomb, chances are that really, you ain't ready to drop that bomb at all (and there's nothing wrong with that either) - It is always advisable to try and get to the *real* reason one is not prepared to walk away. I think your *real* reason is NOT "a timing issue". It is far more likely to be good old "fear". Fear of the big scene if you drop the bomb. Fear of financial armageddon. Fear of (insert your particular concern here). Yes, baz, fear of the 'big scene' is major -- though I know I have no control over whatever happens with her.......I'm constructing my exit 'speech' right now......very short and to-the-point. I won't allow a scenario where she burns me with her gaslights. A couple of sentences and I'm done for the day. The rest can wait......I just want to let her know the marriage is over, untenable, incompatible, unfulfilling, unhappy, and inadequate (as civilly as I can). Have you thought of using cue cards? One word per card, you don't have to speak, she will be looking at the cards instead of you, and she is less likely to interrupt you while she is reading. This will also force you to be frugal with words. The cue cards, if big enough, will also act as a shield if she starts throwing things at you.  Maybe send her an email containing a video of the cue cards, then your biggest risk is a paper cut. |
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Post by thefullmoon on Nov 20, 2016 19:32:33 GMT -5
What would this ideal moment look like for you? Are you looking for a moment of introspection, or a 'where are we' kind of exchange? Are are you hoping she will do something completely fucking unreasonable so you can blow up and storm out? Or something else? I tried several times over the years to tell her how distraught I was over what was happening....back when I gave a shit. It's been 3 or 4 years since I've known it was over for me, and have spent those years coming back to life (I had been suicidal for a couple of years - never acted upon, but had it planned out). So no -- all I want this to be is me telling her I'm done, and to not let myself be guilted or shamed into saying more than I want to. I owe her nothing anymore. She twisted and defiled and scoffed at everything I ever said to her when trying to tell her how much I was hurting. Screw her. Let's share the pain, shall we? I just want to move on. What about- prepair divirce papers, pack your things, go(as far as you can) and leave a note 'all said and done,all communication through my solisitor. This is final! Good luck!'.... You will not be sucked into any conversations any more... |
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Post by GeekGoddess on Nov 21, 2016 17:13:13 GMT -5
@baffledking - you are right on track for the speech delivery - brief, basically blameless (because that just starts debate), and to the point. I am unhappy. *I* am done here. I will be filing for separation/divorce/moving out - whatever.
You don't have to make her see your side. You don't have to get her to OK this decision. You have made a decision about YOUR life. You are letting her know of your decision. Insomuch as it may affect her, you thought it was fair to inform her of it. That's it, in essence.
(don't go with cue cards, ok?) :-)
This is YOUR life. If there's such a thing as a pearly gate, I knew I couldn't face that having never lived the last few years of my life. Giving myself up for someone won't cut it with whatever creator character put me on the earth. I have some purpose to fulfill but sacrifice of ME is not it. And dammit but I know that my destiny includes a fulfilling sex life - there is no way I would have the drives & appetites I was born with if I wasn't supposed to seek out tantric spiritual sex!
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Post by thebaffledking on Nov 21, 2016 19:23:39 GMT -5
GG, thanks for the support. I know she will turn all vitriolic on me and try to lure me into 'logic traps' (gaslighting), and so it's very important that I know what I'm going to say AND when I am finished talking. The fact that this became an emotionally abusive and codependent situation necessitates that I say my peace then walk if necessary. It's just too toxic and the tentacles will be lashing out. I also try to visualize it, walk through it in my mind, again and again, and see myself as successful (surviving without denigrating myself or allowing her to spew all over me).
Is that a musky?
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Post by greatcoastal on Nov 21, 2016 19:35:36 GMT -5
GG, thanks for the support. I know she will turn all vitriolic on me and try to lure me into 'logic traps' (gaslighting), and so it's very important that I know what I'm going to say AND when I am finished talking. The fact that this became an emotionally abusive and codependent situation necessitates that I say my peace then walk if necessary. It's just too toxic and the tentacles will be lashing out. I also try to visualize it, walk through it in my mind, again and again, and see myself as successful (surviving without denigrating myself or allowing her to spew all over me). Is that a musky? May I suggest that you are worrying to much? Think of the word "concern" over worry. 10% of life is what happens to us, 90% is how we respond. Her vitriolic response is 100% hers, she owns it. Convince yourself you are doing what's best for the both of you. Time to start taking, fight for your joy. "If you don't feel like quitting you can't loose" |
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Post by beachguy on Nov 21, 2016 19:49:47 GMT -5
Having gone through this, I agree with the others that suggest you inform her of your decision, which is non-negotiable, and leave it at that. She will never validate your decision, so why go through that pain and suffering?
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Post by thebaffledking on Nov 22, 2016 0:13:24 GMT -5
GG, thanks for the support. I know she will turn all vitriolic on me and try to lure me into 'logic traps' (gaslighting), and so it's very important that I know what I'm going to say AND when I am finished talking. The fact that this became an emotionally abusive and codependent situation necessitates that I say my peace then walk if necessary. It's just too toxic and the tentacles will be lashing out. I also try to visualize it, walk through it in my mind, again and again, and see myself as successful (surviving without denigrating myself or allowing her to spew all over me). Is that a musky? May I suggest that you are worrying to much? Think of the word "concern" over worry. 10% of life is what happens to us, 90% is how we respond. Her vitriolic response is 100% hers, she owns it. Convince yourself you are doing what's best for the both of you. Time to start taking, fight for your joy. "If you don't feel like quitting you can't loose" I have no choice but to agree with you. I am a major over-thinker, and not only that, I am a scenario creator par excellence. My head spins out some wild shit about how it will go, and that stuff then frightens my lizard brain into 'fight or flight' mode (which nowadays just means total avoidance). I am trying really hard to just see the damn light......I am not unique, my situation is not unique, why do I do this to myself? It's ruining my life, for real. |
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Post by thebaffledking on Nov 22, 2016 0:15:18 GMT -5
Having gone through this, I agree with the others that suggest you inform her of your decision, which is non-negotiable, and leave it at that. She will never validate your decision, so why go through that pain and suffering. The reminder that she will never validate my decision anyway is a good one right now. |
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Post by thebaffledking on Nov 22, 2016 11:42:50 GMT -5
Over 8 years totally sexless, and about half as many 'technically' sexless.......and in hindsight, the entirety of our relationship has lacked the level of intimacy most happily married couples might be familiar with........lots of planned starfish stuff, and an occasional willingness to get on top or on all fours.....very puritanical. Separate bedrooms for about 10 years (her decision of course) I was told about 9 years ago that I could go outside the marriage if I wanted sex.....the pay-for kind. Never took her up on that. Hung around for the kids to graduate HS......the last one left a year ago. Like many who find themselves here, it has not just been about sex with us. She started to become very controlling and me-first/me-only/not responsible for your happiness/looking out for Number One kinds of things. She became very judgmental, very critical, cruel......and in my morbid depression, sinking to the bottom like a finned shark, I watched as she usurped our children during this time. It's all very painful, and now I'm ready to leave........I have been to an attorney and know how it will likely shake out and I'm fine with it. ......but......I find now that the kids are gone and it's just us, she has toned herself down a LITTLE bit, because she has no one else around and, therefore, that window of opportunity I look for to 'pull the pin' hasn't presented itself. In case you're wondering, I can't stand to be in the same house as her, can't stand her voice, can't stand the sound of her slippers or socks shuffling over the floor.......there is NO interest on my part whatsoever in trying to salvage anything here. I've got a truly beautiful life waiting for me on the other side.......but I'm going to need to create my own moment, and that's hard. Really hard. Any similar stories, or advice, for this situation? I am struggling with finding 'the moment', which is weird because all I want is to be OUT.......I guess I have some empathy after all. But it's killing me now. This is all so difficult. It will happen when it does. You will know when it's time. Don't pressure yourself to find "the moment" because that will do you no good and cause you more anxiety. My husband and I signed paperwork to mediate. He was dead against divorcing. We both are in our own therapy. I don't know what changed his mind, but it all just happened. He finally agreed to go to divorce mediation and HE even made the first appointment for us. He still says he doesn't want to divorce but I have made it clear to him that he can't do anything to change my mind. Thinking of you and wishing you all the best in your journey! I'm here to support you! ggold, thank you so much for your kind and patient words. I know you are also in the midst of the 'good fight'. WE CAN DO THIS! |
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Post by GeekGoddess on Nov 22, 2016 12:13:28 GMT -5
GG, thanks for the support. I know she will turn all vitriolic on me and try to lure me into 'logic traps' (gaslighting), and so it's very important that I know what I'm going to say AND when I am finished talking. The fact that this became an emotionally abusive and codependent situation necessitates that I say my peace then walk if necessary. It's just too toxic and the tentacles will be lashing out. I also try to visualize it, walk through it in my mind, again and again, and see myself as successful (surviving without denigrating myself or allowing her to spew all over me). Is that a musky? That IS a musky! We went up to Ontario one year. We caught great fish. It was the last good vacation the Ex and I had together, I believe. Our "best man" was also on the trip (the organizer of it, in fact). He learned from the guides how to clean muskies with the Y-bone and he taught me to do that one in the picture too. This was a hint - - he sees me as capable, my Ex did not. My Ex couldn't master the Y-bone because he would not TRY and thought I should not TRY. The best man said - do it, what's the worst that could happen? I did it and risked it and did well. This is now how I distinguish those who are living and those who are biding time. If I only do "safe" things I may as well die yesterday. RISK is life! It's worth the risk to LIVE it! Good luck. You are right on with "then walk if necessary" - - - it is not open for discussion or for her to try & talk you out of the decision. The decision HAS BEEN MADE (past tense). It will not be open for discussion. You are delivering a news brief. Here is your news. Think it over all you like but I'm not caving. You do have to be READY in order to do it. Don't go in half-ready or you shred your cred. You've got this. When you feel ready - go for it. Do it for YOU. |
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Post by thebaffledking on Nov 22, 2016 20:16:28 GMT -5
When I was a kid, the musky was the Holy Grail of fishing. Of course we were stupid little kids who thought maybe we'd haul a 28" musky out of some little neighborhood frog pond. Never happened, but I still remember the dream!!!
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Maybe send her an email containing a video of the cue cards, then your biggest risk is a paper cut.
