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Post by thebaffledking on Nov 19, 2016 6:03:16 GMT -5
Over 8 years totally sexless, and about half as many 'technically' sexless.......and in hindsight, the entirety of our relationship has lacked the level of intimacy most happily married couples might be familiar with........lots of planned starfish stuff, and an occasional willingness to get on top or on all fours.....very puritanical. Separate bedrooms for about 10 years (her decision of course) I was told about 9 years ago that I could go outside the marriage if I wanted sex.....the pay-for kind. Never took her up on that. Hung around for the kids to graduate HS......the last one left a year ago.
Like many who find themselves here, it has not just been about sex with us. She started to become very controlling and me-first/me-only/not responsible for your happiness/looking out for Number One kinds of things. She became very judgmental, very critical, cruel......and in my morbid depression, sinking to the bottom like a finned shark, I watched as she usurped our children during this time. It's all very painful, and now I'm ready to leave........I have been to an attorney and know how it will likely shake out and I'm fine with it.
......but......I find now that the kids are gone and it's just us, she has toned herself down a LITTLE bit, because she has no one else around and, therefore, that window of opportunity I look for to 'pull the pin' hasn't presented itself. In case you're wondering, I can't stand to be in the same house as her, can't stand her voice, can't stand the sound of her slippers or socks shuffling over the floor.......there is NO interest on my part whatsoever in trying to salvage anything here. I've got a truly beautiful life waiting for me on the other side.......but I'm going to need to create my own moment, and that's hard. Really hard.
Any similar stories, or advice, for this situation? I am struggling with finding 'the moment', which is weird because all I want is to be OUT.......I guess I have some empathy after all. But it's killing me now.
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Post by eternaloptimism on Nov 19, 2016 6:30:02 GMT -5
Over 8 years totally sexless, and about half as many 'technically' sexless.......and in hindsight, the entirety of our relationship has lacked the level of intimacy most happily married couples might be familiar with........lots of planned starfish stuff, and an occasional willingness to get on top or on all fours.....very puritanical. Separate bedrooms for about 10 years (her decision of course) I was told about 9 years ago that I could go outside the marriage if I wanted sex.....the pay-for kind. Never took her up on that. Hung around for the kids to graduate HS......the last one left a year ago. Like many who find themselves here, it has not just been about sex with us. She started to become very controlling and me-first/me-only/not responsible for your happiness/looking out for Number One kinds of things. She became very judgmental, very critical, cruel......and in my morbid depression, sinking to the bottom like a finned shark, I watched as she usurped our children during this time. It's all very painful, and now I'm ready to leave........I have been to an attorney and know how it will likely shake out and I'm fine with it. ......but......I find now that the kids are gone and it's just us, she has toned herself down a LITTLE bit, because she has no one else around and, therefore, that window of opportunity I look for to 'pull the pin' hasn't presented itself. In case you're wondering, I can't stand to be in the same house as her, can't stand her voice, can't stand the sound of her slippers or socks shuffling over the floor.......there is NO interest on my part whatsoever in trying to salvage anything here. I've got a truly beautiful life waiting for me on the other side.......but I'm going to need to create my own moment, and that's hard. Really hard. Any similar stories, or advice, for this situation? I am struggling with finding 'the moment', which is weird because all I want is to be OUT.......I guess I have some empathy after all. But it's killing me now. Hi and welcome! That's a big question isn't it.....not a clue what the answer is I'm afraid. Do tell if you figure it out! Many of us ponder this a lot  X |
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Post by baza on Nov 19, 2016 6:38:57 GMT -5
You don't actually "need" an event, or a "moment", or "an optimal time" to drop the bomb.
There is no "good time" for this action - it will be as rough as guts on you whenever you do it, however you do it.
Might as well be as soon as you have your exit strategy in do-able shape.
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If you are going to wait for the planets line up before you drop the bomb, chances are that really, you ain't ready to drop that bomb at all (and there's nothing wrong with that either)
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It is always advisable to try and get to the *real* reason one is not prepared to walk away.
I think your *real* reason is NOT "a timing issue".
It is far more likely to be good old "fear".
Fear of the big scene if you drop the bomb.
Fear of financial armageddon.
Fear of (insert your particular concern here).
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Post by JonDoe on Nov 19, 2016 7:42:08 GMT -5
Over 8 years totally sexless, and about half as many 'technically' sexless.......and in hindsight, the entirety of our relationship has lacked the level of intimacy most happily married couples might be familiar with........lots of planned starfish stuff, and an occasional willingness to get on top or on all fours.....very puritanical. Separate bedrooms for about 10 years (her decision of course) I was told about 9 years ago that I could go outside the marriage if I wanted sex.....the pay-for kind. Never took her up on that. Hung around for the kids to graduate HS......the last one left a year ago. Like many who find themselves here, it has not just been about sex with us. She started to become very controlling and me-first/me-only/not responsible for your happiness/looking out for Number One kinds of things. She became very judgmental, very critical, cruel......and in my morbid depression, sinking to the bottom like a finned shark, I watched as she usurped our children during this time. It's all very painful, and now I'm ready to leave........I have been to an attorney and know how it will likely shake out and I'm fine with it. ......but......I find now that the kids are gone and it's just us, she has toned herself down a LITTLE bit, because she has no one else around and, therefore, that window of opportunity I look for to 'pull the pin' hasn't presented itself. In case you're wondering, I can't stand to be in the same house as her, can't stand her voice, can't stand the sound of her slippers or socks shuffling over the floor.......there is NO interest on my part whatsoever in trying to salvage anything here. I've got a truly beautiful life waiting for me on the other side.......but I'm going to need to create my own moment, and that's hard. Really hard. Any similar stories, or advice, for this situation? I am struggling with finding 'the moment', which is weird because all I want is to be OUT.......I guess I have some empathy after all. But it's killing me now. After reading your post, I'd say that moment is today. No better time than the present. However, with the holiday season upon us, perhaps January 1, 2017 is the perfect day for you to move forward, a new life in the new year. |
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Post by unmatched on Nov 19, 2016 7:47:52 GMT -5
What would this ideal moment look like for you? Are you looking for a moment of introspection, or a 'where are we' kind of exchange? Are are you hoping she will do something completely fucking unreasonable so you can blow up and storm out? Or something else?
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Post by DryCreek on Nov 19, 2016 7:58:23 GMT -5
thebaffledking, many of us stay waiting for that trigger event that pushes us over the edge. Often when it does, we move the goalposts on ourselves. Like the frog in the slowly boiling pot. I'm as guilty as anyone. Just like many of us crave to know "why", when the "why" doesn't matter - the only things that really matter are actions, results, and their disinterest in a fix. Or the idea that we need to explain our reasoning when splitting. That they need to see the justice in our decision, and own their role in the consequences. The laughable idea that if we list their faults, that they'll see the light, be cooperative, and emerge a better person. No... they will be in shock, angry, vindictive, and nothing you say will be viewed constructively, if it's even heard. Human psychology is a curious thing, and vulnerable to much manipulation.
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Post by beachguy on Nov 19, 2016 8:27:39 GMT -5
You do not need your spouse, or anyone else, to validate your decision. Your spouse certainly will not. She has the life she wants. You don't.
If you want to explain why then printing your post here has everything you need.
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Post by bballgirl on Nov 19, 2016 8:31:16 GMT -5
I was married for 23 years all sexless but the last 13 years were a once a year reset deal. I can relate to your story about just wanting OUT. I used to fantasize about running away, looking up apartments and floor plans and imagining myself there with what I would bring. My biggest obstacle after seeing an attorney and knowing how it would shake out was not wanting to hurt my spouse. I can tell you when I had the talk he was blindsided and shocked. He knew I wasn't happy and that's one thing, it's another to actually go through with a divorce and he knew I was for real. That night we were both crying. It wasn't an easy thing to do but if I wanted my freedom I had to do what was important for me. I had to put myself first.
When you tell her and inform her of your decision does not matter and the sooner the better. I actually planned to stay 4 more years until my kids were a little older, but in addition to neglecting me me, he neglected himself and his health and I feared the "what if" because if he had a heart attack or stroke then I'd be stuck. So my philosophy is no time like the present because you never know what happens in life and then you are stuck.
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Post by greatcoastal on Nov 19, 2016 9:06:00 GMT -5
Some thoughts and ideas on this relating my case to yours.
See your attorney again. Start the process. It takes a few days. Wait until your assets are moved and locked up.
You don't even have to use the word divorce. I told my STBX three things. I hired an attorney, I moved Half our account, I am ending our marriage.
Take a weekend and get away. Have a few days where you don't have to constantly avoid her. Re-enforce what a burden has been lifted off of you.
After Thanksgiving may be good, before Christmas may be even better. That way you can have your own seperate Christmas, no more giving in to her controlled happy married life sharade. You may be pleasantly surprised at your children's response, "what took you so long dad?"
The "announcement, pulling the pin" is a major decision for you, but not that big a move in the whole, long, divorce process.
My timing had to do with when I was the most needed. Not the least needed. Summer verses back to school and holidays.
A healthy attitude is that you are doing what is best for the both of you. You are offering her a chance for a new begining a happier life, time to turn the tables by taking control of your self you are saying to her, "what you do with it is up to you, that is not my problem, you have trained me well." Don't expect any thank you's any time soon.
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Post by thebaffledking on Nov 19, 2016 18:57:23 GMT -5
There has been some confusion with the few people in my RL that I have shared this crisis with. They tend to think I am still hanging onto some sublimnal hope or something, that's why I have struggled to launch. But I disagree. I think what it is is MY trying to reframe my life after 33 years with this person........it's like being reborn and knowing you're going to have to learn everything all over again......not easy to do, and I guess it comes down to some form of faith.......leap and then net shall appear..........make it an adventure and just GO
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Post by GeekGoddess on Nov 19, 2016 19:25:25 GMT -5
@baffledking - I saw a therapist for me. She helped by being the sounding board. I talked through the fact I was unhappy, felt opposite of cherished, how we had tried making out in the spring & I regretted asking for that. I got firmed up on what I wanted & saw the lawyer, put the retainer on my credit card (my name only card). Didn't file yet at that point.
I wrote up a "speech" document & got help from 2 trusted folks - one sister, 1 ILIASM (male) friend.
I read him my letter & we talked over it (some crying, not buckets). I had selected what night to tell him knowing I would spend the next night at a lady friend's house.
He asked me to sleep in our bed that night & I did. Next night out at coworker. The day I got home then, I moved to guest room. The next Monday, triggered the lawyer to file.
I was glad for that day of "away from him" time so we could both separately regroup. We collaborated on the division of the deal far better than we had worked together on anything for over 3 yrs.
The timing of your actions aren't quite as important as we think. From your inertia in the spot you're in now, timing looks important- the desire for her to trigger a fallout is understandable- but it's absolutely not required.
Momma says: get out while the getting is good. You could get hit by a bus next week and all the debate over "the right moment" be for naught.
When I realized just how urgent that reality was, I made my move with greatest haste.
Good luck man.
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Post by greatcoastal on Nov 19, 2016 20:20:13 GMT -5
There has been some confusion with the few people in my RL that I have shared this crisis with. They tend to think I am still hanging onto some sublimnal hope or something, that's why I have struggled to launch. But I disagree. I think what it is is MY trying to reframe my life after 33 years with this person........it's like being reborn and knowing you're going to have to learn everything all over again......not easy to do, and I guess it comes down to some form of faith.......leap and then net shall appear..........make it an adventure and just GO Well, my friend, it is some what of a blind leap of faith. Personally ,right now, I don't know the outcome yet. Financially, mentally, spiritually. I could end up in jail, or with a very nice 4 bedroom house paid for and a steady income. I could loose all custody of my children, see them every other week, or get them full time. I may have sex next week, or never again. Etc... Etc.... But like you I came to the conclusion," I would rather live in an empty house, than remain living with an empty spouse." Before I officially signed the first document saying I am getting divorced, I changed churches, found a Divorce recovery group, met with several attorneys, talked for a year on here, found a men's support group, gained a mentor or two. Began applying for jobs, took the postal exam, bought a new computer, got some new clothes, lost 20 lbs working out.Replaced the 16 year old truck with a 2015 sporty car. Recieved this sentence from our therapist, "you went above and beyond, your wife put forth zero effort." So, in a nutshell, there are things you can start doing to be reborn. Think of this as you frame up your day tomorrow, this week, this month, the years to come, your legacy. What you feed the longest becomes the strongest. If you don't quit, you can't loose. Build some fun and relaxation " time" into your framework. weather you are a religious man or not, please take this if you want it. You used the term " framework". I just walked in the door from my pastors sermon titled " Framework." You can download it, listen to it on line. Coastline Community Church Melbourne Fl. |
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Post by ggold on Nov 19, 2016 21:19:06 GMT -5
Over 8 years totally sexless, and about half as many 'technically' sexless.......and in hindsight, the entirety of our relationship has lacked the level of intimacy most happily married couples might be familiar with........lots of planned starfish stuff, and an occasional willingness to get on top or on all fours.....very puritanical. Separate bedrooms for about 10 years (her decision of course) I was told about 9 years ago that I could go outside the marriage if I wanted sex.....the pay-for kind. Never took her up on that. Hung around for the kids to graduate HS......the last one left a year ago. Like many who find themselves here, it has not just been about sex with us. She started to become very controlling and me-first/me-only/not responsible for your happiness/looking out for Number One kinds of things. She became very judgmental, very critical, cruel......and in my morbid depression, sinking to the bottom like a finned shark, I watched as she usurped our children during this time. It's all very painful, and now I'm ready to leave........I have been to an attorney and know how it will likely shake out and I'm fine with it. ......but......I find now that the kids are gone and it's just us, she has toned herself down a LITTLE bit, because she has no one else around and, therefore, that window of opportunity I look for to 'pull the pin' hasn't presented itself. In case you're wondering, I can't stand to be in the same house as her, can't stand her voice, can't stand the sound of her slippers or socks shuffling over the floor.......there is NO interest on my part whatsoever in trying to salvage anything here. I've got a truly beautiful life waiting for me on the other side.......but I'm going to need to create my own moment, and that's hard. Really hard. Any similar stories, or advice, for this situation? I am struggling with finding 'the moment', which is weird because all I want is to be OUT.......I guess I have some empathy after all. But it's killing me now. This is all so difficult. It will happen when it does. You will know when it's time. Don't pressure yourself to find "the moment" because that will do you no good and cause you more anxiety. My husband and I signed paperwork to mediate. He was dead against divorcing. We both are in our own therapy. I don't know what changed his mind, but it all just happened. He finally agreed to go to divorce mediation and HE even made the first appointment for us. He still says he doesn't want to divorce but I have made it clear to him that he can't do anything to change my mind. Thinking of you and wishing you all the best in your journey! I'm here to support you! |
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Post by thebaffledking on Nov 20, 2016 3:16:49 GMT -5
One big realization I've had is that I am giving all my power away.......even down to thinking 'when will it be a good time, for her, to hear that I'm leaving for good', or maybe 'something will happen to do this on its own (aka divine intervention) and I'll be good to go!' It's insanity, I know. I need to give myself permission to be very very selfish, in the most positive way, and shut her out completely. I don't know whose life I think I'm living here, but come on, man! I have read several books on codependence, years ago, and worked through all the exercises ad nauseum. I think I just need to allow myself to enjoy the happiness and freedom for the future I clearly envision, and not feel guilty about it (although I don't really feel guilt......it's more like admitting failure and being okay with that, being teflon to it). Like I need permission to go be happy? Whose? My own? Hers? WTF. I need to stop trying to be so damn perfect and unassailable in all that I do -- it threatens to make me a very lonely and regretful old geezer. This is bullshit.
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Post by thebaffledking on Nov 20, 2016 3:30:53 GMT -5
Just wrote this to myself......thought I'd bring it here......
IT'S MY LIFE - SO LIVE IT - I'M THE ONE THAT HAS TO DIE AT THE END - WHAT'S MY LEGACY?
Obit: He was a great man........he stayed with a woman who didn't want sex with him, criticized and judged him, but he hung in there like a champ, even though he couldn't stand to be around her. He decided to just go ahead and feel like he deserved it all, and needed a lifelong punishment, like some kind of Franciscan friar, self-flagellating himself to a bloody pulp. His children and grandchilden applaud at his graveside, what a man he was! A giant!! And yet, we're all still trying to figure out exactly WHO he was trying to appease and impress and avoid by sacrificing himself so, but damn, WHAT A MAN!!!!
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