Why am I here?

@litw
Well said.
My view on porn is different, but different strokes for different folks (see what I did there? )

I'm reluctant to post this because, truly, ignorance is bliss, and we've all been through this stage of our marriage. Some call it the fog. Others call it the FOG (slightly different context). Who am I to suggest otherwise? But I'll press on...

You don't seem to be much different than the rest of us. Your wife is selfish, controlling and manipulative. And very uncaring.

She's selfish because she insists on framing your needs in terms of her needs. She has no right defining your sexual needs. That is your domain and only your domain, but she insists otherwise. She has no empathy.

She's controlling because, after refusing you sex, she insists on controlling how you deal with your state of celibacy. If she is not going to provide for your needs, than it is your right to determine how best you relieve yourself. And that might include porn. But no, she's even controlling how you jerk off. And honestly, at some point in your life you may find that it is truly your right to go outside the marriage to get your needs met, but you are a long way from that (I think).

She's manipulative because... first, she apparently Bait N Switched you into marriage, leaving you high and dry on your honeymoon (I know all about that one, as do a number of others here). And second, she's apparently convinced you that you are otherwise totally happy in your marriage, and that a platonic friendship is enough of a life for you.

She is uncaring because she keeps you in a perpetual state of sexual frustration and then, when she graces you with a fuck once every 3 months or so, she castigates you for coming quickly and destroys your self esteem. You'd be amazed how your performance might improve with regular sex, and masturbation doesn't solve that problem. (this from your ADHD thread, where I'm surprised no one brought this up).

She is no different than most (but not all) spouses here. And she probably is not "sexually repressed due to her religious background". She is almost certainly grey-asexual. Any definition/description of grey-asexual includes "I never think about sex, ever, but if you get my motor running I'm ok". (but the PC discussions of Grey-A never mention that once bound by marriage and a couple of kids, the Grey-A's lock the car door and hide the keys, never allowing their spouse a chance to get their motor running) If she were just religiously repressed she would do what other sexual but religiously repressed people do... hide in the bathroom or wherever and use her secret vibrator to get off. I'm sorry, but I have trouble with laying all this off on cultural or childhood repression. And it matters because it throws a different light on the Bait N Switch issue. If she is Grey-A she manipulated a sexual person into a marriage under false pretenses. If she never thought about sex the day after the wedding it is very likely she never ever thought about sex. She knows who she is, and always has.

And like all of us, you harbor deep resentment over the sexual dysfunction in your marriage.

Where you are different is you either are truly happy in all other areas of your marriage, or at least happy enough to perpetuate your friendship (counter to Baza's famous assertion that it's never "all ok bar the sex". Or you haven't gotten your head out of the fog (that I was in, perhaps, for decades, an occupational hazard of an SM). It is totally possible that other than sex, your wife is a very selfless, caring woman who treats you like a man in all other aspects of your marriage.

On a personal level, I think the Bait N Switch and instant near celibacy of my marriage was so traumatic that it was difficult to see the forest of dysfunction in my marriage for all the sexually dysfunctional trees blocking the view.

But as I said, maybe I'm wrong to present this alternative view, there is much to be said for bliss. But even if I'm all wrong, this forum is full of people that are reluctant to leave their platonic friend/roommate. And it's loaded with people who are long past arguing about sex. Which is a good thing because it really is pointless, at least it was for me. You are not at all alone here, it is just possibly a slightly different perspective you have now. But one that may change over time.

Just one more thought...

" Unlike most people who post regularly on this board, my spouse is not mean or evil or denying me out of spite. She is actually a very nice person adored by my family and all I know. "

My STBX is also a very nice person, adored by all who know her. She was always very nice to me, too. As long as I never disagreed with her. And interestingly, when I look back over our marriage, nearly every major life changing decision went her way. Hmmmm....

Other people find her very sweet and nice because there are rarely major disagreements between those people and my STBX. I had a lot of trouble with this, and it was part of what kept me in my own fog. Your deal may be different, but it is a fact that most manipulative and controlling people are quite nice from outward appearances, and this is particularly true of narcissists. YMMV of course. Just food for thought.

Personally, I think the key issue in all these situations is making a fully informed choice concerning whether you are staying, staying and cheating, or leaving - and OWNING that choice.
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There is no *right* or *wrong* judgement to be applied, they are all perfectly valid choices.
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But the fact is (usually in here for new members) is that you HAVE chosen to stay.
And that is a perfectly legitimate choice to make.
Now, it is up to you to accept what you have chosen and embrace it and live it.
"If" you have accepted it, embraced it, and are living it then you'll feel no necessity to keep taking your spouses inventory, or blaming anyone or anything else for your choice.
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Now, if you can NOT accept your choice, if you can NOT embrace it and live it, then, you need to revisit your choice.
And mebbe revise that choice to something you CAN embrace - something you CAN live and accept.
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And, it will still be incumbent on you to embrace and live that choice, whatever it is.
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I truly believe that this group, when you get down to the core, is all about making fully informed choices, accepting and embracing those choices, and living those choices.
Staying ? - a perfectly valid choice. And you own it.
Staying and cheating ? - a perfectly valid choice. And you own it.
Leaving ? - a perfectly valid choice. And you own it.
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The vast majority of members here are in the "staying by default" situation.
That is an absolutely shithouse place to be.
It is a "nowhere" position.
Make a choice.
And given that you have (up until now at least) stayed, formalise that choice, accept it, embrace it, live it.
And if you can NOT accept, embrace and live that choice, the be aware that there are other choices, just as valid as staying, available to you.