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Post by greatcoastal on Nov 17, 2016 10:18:05 GMT -5
With having so many kids in our family we learned to just go out to a nice restaurant. We later revised that to just ordering a take out dinner from the grocery store. Much easier to clean and deal with everyone's schedule, now that the teens are working.
14 of our 24 yrs have been in Florida. My STBX's whole family lives there, my parents passed away years ago, and my only sister lives 700 miles away. I stopped holding my breath waiting for my sister to come visit us, 4 of my 6 children have never met her. (a story for another day). Like many of you I tolerate having to be a background trophy husband.
This year will be different. This year has the very cold, no communication approach of the pending divorce. I will not be surprised if plans are made without my knowledge to take as many children who are available to go visit,and her father who lives with us,to meet some where with her family. If I am invited it will be last minute, in passing, a token gesture, like other events. Does it bother me? A little. I try to think of it as a a stepping stone in crossing the stream towards a better future, for everyone.
Who says Thanksgiving has to be celebrated only on that day, and that moment with food? There are many people in my life that I am thankful for, and will spend more than a day giving them encouraging words and token gifts of appreciation.
I am supper thankful for all the kind, caring, tolerant people hear on ILIASM!
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Post by greatcoastal on Nov 17, 2016 10:24:41 GMT -5
Well, now she's acting like nothing is wrong and everything is awesome between us. She asked if we couldmake a day trip to talk to my folks about Thanksgiving now, so i really don't know what's going on. She's probably resetting you with kindness and manipulation maybe but the bottom line is can she be intimate and affectionate throughout the year not just during holidays for show in front of family? Also being with family is a crutch, an excuse , a shield to hide behind. About all she will have to do is sit beside you, say how nice her job is going, how she plans to renovate the kitchen, help clean up, and hug people goodbye. Good to go till next season or next year! Then comes the silent ride home, maybe some useless small talk, then off to her room, where she is exhausted! Another zero intimacy moment flawlessly executed. |
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Post by beachguy on Nov 17, 2016 10:31:23 GMT -5
This is going to be an interesting year for Thanksgiving. Last year, two weeks before Thanksgiving, we found out that my grandmother had an inoperable tumor on her pancreas that was growing very aggressively, and her doctors had given her a month or two tops. With that in mind, my parents put together a plan to have all our family and friends come to their house for a big final Thanksgiving for my grandmother, since it was always one of her favorite holidays. Problem with that was, my wife had asked if we could have a smaller Thanksgiving with just us, her mom, and her brother. When my parents told us the news, they made it very clear her family was also very, very welcome to come. The wife still feels like I "put her in a tough spot" and "chose my family over her" for going to spend that last Thanksgiving with my grandmother, and she declined to come down- I don't even know if she told her mom and brother they were invited to spend it with my family. It's still a very, very sore subject that she brings up every now and again when she feels the need to throw something in my face. This year one of my brothers and his girlfriend are hosting us about 5 hours west of where we live. Not sure if the wife is coming or not, in light of everything going on, and with her fear of things "being awkward" with my family. Your wife totally pegged her selfishness meter on that one. Beyond belief. My STBX is amazingly selfish but I'm not sure she is even capable of that. As far as her current resetting, don't forget you are the one that is miserable, or at least far more miserable. Don't let her suck you back in... |
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Post by greatcoastal on Nov 17, 2016 11:09:02 GMT -5
This is going to be an interesting year for Thanksgiving. Last year, two weeks before Thanksgiving, we found out that my grandmother had an inoperable tumor on her pancreas that was growing very aggressively, and her doctors had given her a month or two tops. With that in mind, my parents put together a plan to have all our family and friends come to their house for a big final Thanksgiving for my grandmother, since it was always one of her favorite holidays. Problem with that was, my wife had asked if we could have a smaller Thanksgiving with just us, her mom, and her brother. When my parents told us the news, they made it very clear her family was also very, very welcome to come. The wife still feels like I "put her in a tough spot" and "chose my family over her" for going to spend that last Thanksgiving with my grandmother, and she declined to come down- I don't even know if she told her mom and brother they were invited to spend it with my family. It's still a very, very sore subject that she brings up every now and again when she feels the need to throw something in my face. This year one of my brothers and his girlfriend are hosting us about 5 hours west of where we live. Not sure if the wife is coming or not, in light of everything going on, and with her fear of things "being awkward" with my family. Your wife totally pegged her selfishness meter on that one. Beyond belief. My STBX is amazingly selfish but I'm not sure she is even capable of that. As far as her current resetting, don't forget you are the one that is miserable, or at least far more miserable. Don't let her suck you back in... ^^AMEN ON THAT^^. You don't even know if she told her mom and brother they were invited? Yet she brings it up again and again to throw it in your face? You have been letting her take advantage of your kind, forgiving nature for far to long. You decide, this is going to be the last one together, so why not divide it? Offer to visit both families together on separate days. If she starts giving you her DARVO approach, stand up to it. Tell her calmly, with a I call the shots attitude," that's fine it's settled, I will visit my family, and you visit yours, I'll be home late, with a content grin on your face, as you sing "happy Days are Here Again" as you leave the room, and walk the dogs! Start setting boundaries for yourself. |
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Post by beachguy on Nov 17, 2016 11:38:32 GMT -5
...she brings it up again and again to throw it in your face? You have been letting her take advantage of your kind, forgiving nature for far to long. Start setting boundaries for yourself. ^^^^^^ Yes, yes, yes! cagedtiger, This story is the most outrageous I've yet read here. And it illustrates the futility of your deal. If you ever harbor any hopes of turning your wife into the intimate person you deserve, consider she is apparently incapable of understanding the enormity of what she did, trying to prevent your last holiday with a dying relative. And then holding it over you as a weapon. I hope your therapist has, or will, hear this story. It says so much more than she doesn't like sex or intimacy. |
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Post by JonDoe on Nov 17, 2016 18:34:35 GMT -5
cagedtiger WTF? I can't understand how anyone can be that selfish to feel that your put her out "just" to spend the LAST Thanksgiving, the LAST holiday EVER with your grandmother. WTF?
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Post by cagedtiger on Nov 17, 2016 18:42:13 GMT -5
cagedtiger WTF? I can't understand how anyone can be that selfish to feel that your put her out "just" to spend the LAST Thanksgiving, the LAST holiday EVER with your grandmother. WTF? Oh, and coincidentally, the last time we had sex was the night of my grandmother's memorial service, 5 weeks later. |
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Post by JonDoe on Nov 17, 2016 18:47:14 GMT -5
cagedtiger WTF? I can't understand how anyone can be that selfish to feel that your put her out "just" to spend the LAST Thanksgiving, the LAST holiday EVER with your grandmother. WTF? Oh, and coincidentally, the last time we had sex was the night of my grandmother's memorial service, 5 weeks later. Speechless |
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Post by JonDoe on Nov 17, 2016 18:49:58 GMT -5
...she brings it up again and again to throw it in your face? You have been letting her take advantage of your kind, forgiving nature for far to long. Start setting boundaries for yourself. ^^^^^^ Yes, yes, yes! cagedtiger , This story is the most outrageous I've yet read here. And it illustrates the futility of your deal. If you ever harbor any hopes of turning your wife into the intimate person you deserve, consider she is apparently incapable of understanding the enormity of what she did, trying to prevent your last holiday with a dying relative. And then holding it over you as a weapon. I hope your therapist has, or will, hear this story. It says so much more than she doesn't like sex or intimacy. That should have been brought up in the very first session, and perhaps the second and possibly third one too. |
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Post by hopingforachange on Nov 27, 2016 3:02:17 GMT -5
For me it is always weird. I consider Thanksgiving my birthday since I was born on Thanks giving and the normal birthday date is not realy my birthday. For the longest time, I would give my wife the benefit of the doubt if there was not Bday sex on thanksgiving since it can be a long and stressful day but would expect it to be made up on my birthday date. Well 2 years ago there was a big argument over it. A few weeks ago we had a argument over the lack of sex in our marriage and the complete lack of oral besides a lollipop lick that i have be beg for. This year it was suppository Bday sex between thanksgiving and my bday. So, when I tried to get bday sex, I was told it already happened and it was 1 step away from plain vanilla.
I don't know if next thanksgiving we will be together, I am getting tired of sex being completely controlled by her.
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