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Post by solodriver on Nov 15, 2016 21:47:11 GMT -5
For those members in the U.S. next Thursday is Thanksgiving Day. I would like to hear how or what your plans are in dealing with your SM on this day.
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Post by baza on Nov 15, 2016 22:02:32 GMT -5
Ah. This one, concerning "Thanksgiving Day" is a full brother to "what your plans are in dealing with your SM on Valentines Day", or "New Years Eve", or "Your Birthday", or "Your Wedding Anniversary", or "Christmas"
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From my own firsthand experience, my suggestion is "do whatever you like" as it will make no material difference to your ILIASM shithole at all.
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Thanksgiving day is not a part of life in my jurisdiction, but on those other days (and over the last 5 years of my deal) I'd either ignore it, or go and do something I liked, like drive down the coast or similar.
One exception. In about Nov 2008 my birthday loomed close and I got a couple of prime tickets to see the Rolling Stones at Rod Laver Arena, and took my missus (who was a big fan - as was I). This was touted as being their last ever performance in Australia. (they've toured at least twice more since !!!!)
A great night.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 15, 2016 22:51:48 GMT -5
SD, since you asked Americans, I will offer my input...
We don't have family local to us here in Chicago. My family, what is left of it, is 700 miles east and his is 600 miles west. We both always have to work the following Friday, so we don't travel. While he does most of the cooking, I make a couple of my mother's recipes. I find it a great way to remember her.
Thanksgiving is one of a handful of days throughout the year when I enjoy my husband's company. But this month has been incredibly difficult emotionally for me, and his lack of compassion and empathy has made me withdrawn from him. I'm not sure if this Thanksgiving will follow suit as enjoyable because of it. We'll see. But for now, I have a new pair of stretchy pants to try for the feast. 🙄
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Post by JonDoe on Nov 15, 2016 22:59:34 GMT -5
She has invited her narcissist sibling, spouse and kids to "celebrate" at our house. Oh joy! Lucky me gets to spend the day with a pair of narcissist siblings! I also get to pretend nothing is wrong in "paradise". Thankfully, they'll do most of the talking. I should count my blessings.  However, our kids will be home from college for a few days, which I am genuinely looking forward to, even though they'll want to spend most of it going out with friends. I secretly hoped for a reason to spend Thangiving apart from one another this year, but I couldn't come up with anything that wouldn't piss off the enemy. My only chance is to help at a homeless shelter or soup kitchen for the day, but that would piss her off too -- putting other people's needs first. That's almost certainly what I'll do. |
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Post by wewbwb on Nov 15, 2016 23:01:38 GMT -5
While Baza has a valid point of "do whatever you like" it's not really a practical solution.
Do the right thing.
Thanksgiving should be about family and friends. Fine,your marriage is unhappy. Do you have kids? Brothers or sisters? In laws? Are your parents alive? Treasure the relationships you have. Reach out to friends. Give love and thanks for all you have.
Do not allow one bad relationship to spoil your chance to show love and affection for the ones you love.
If it is just the two of you, go to the movies.
Most theaters have some hours.
Mine happens to be open all day.
I looked.
But above all, please remember that the holidays are not about you. They are about the ones you love. Show them that you do.
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Post by ggold on Nov 15, 2016 23:34:50 GMT -5
While Baza has a valid point of "do whatever you like" it's not really a practical solution. Do the right thing. Thanksgiving should be about family and friends. Fine,your marriage is unhappy. Do you have kids? Brothers or sisters? In laws? Are your parents alive? Treasure the relationships you have. Reach out to friends. Give love and thanks for all you have. Do not allow one bad relationship to spoil your chance to show love and affection for the ones you love. If it is just the two of you, go to the movies. Most theaters have some hours. Mine happens to be open all day. I looked. But above all, please remember that the holidays are not about you. They are about the ones you love. Show them that you do. Thank you for putting this into perspective. You are correct, we should cherish the blessings in our lives. Yes, my marriage is shit, but I have three beautiful, young children, a mom who is alive today after surviving a heart attack in Feb., siblings who drive me nuts (and support me fully), and my nieces and nephew who all bring joy to my life. They will be with me next week for Thanksgiving. They also love my husband no matter what happens between us. He will always be considered a part of my family even when we are no longer married. |
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Post by wewbwb on Nov 16, 2016 6:27:54 GMT -5
@ggold
Now you have the idea.
There are some of us who would gladly sit down with our spouses no matter how uncomfortable, if it allowed us to be at the same table as our mom.
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Post by wewbwb on Nov 17, 2016 4:08:03 GMT -5
LEXUS46 I can do some cursing if it's bothering you. Maybe throw in a joke of questionable taste? Whatever makes you uncomfortable. I'm here for you. 
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Post by cagedtiger on Nov 17, 2016 7:19:34 GMT -5
This is going to be an interesting year for Thanksgiving.
Last year, two weeks before Thanksgiving, we found out that my grandmother had an inoperable tumor on her pancreas that was growing very aggressively, and her doctors had given her a month or two tops. With that in mind, my parents put together a plan to have all our family and friends come to their house for a big final Thanksgiving for my grandmother, since it was always one of her favorite holidays.
Problem with that was, my wife had asked if we could have a smaller Thanksgiving with just us, her mom, and her brother. When my parents told us the news, they made it very clear her family was also very, very welcome to come.
The wife still feels like I "put her in a tough spot" and "chose my family over her" for going to spend that last Thanksgiving with my grandmother, and she declined to come down- I don't even know if she told her mom and brother they were invited to spend it with my family. It's still a very, very sore subject that she brings up every now and again when she feels the need to throw something in my face.
This year one of my brothers and his girlfriend are hosting us about 5 hours west of where we live. Not sure if the wife is coming or not, in light of everything going on, and with her fear of things "being awkward" with my family.
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Post by eternaloptimism on Nov 17, 2016 8:46:11 GMT -5
Oh no  another year of sulking on the cards then! |
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Post by bballgirl on Nov 17, 2016 9:15:17 GMT -5
This is going to be an interesting year for Thanksgiving. Last year, two weeks before Thanksgiving, we found out that my grandmother had an inoperable tumor on her pancreas that was growing very aggressively, and her doctors had given her a month or two tops. With that in mind, my parents put together a plan to have all our family and friends come to their house for a big final Thanksgiving for my grandmother, since it was always one of her favorite holidays. Problem with that was, my wife had asked if we could have a smaller Thanksgiving with just us, her mom, and her brother. When my parents told us the news, they made it very clear her family was also very, very welcome to come. The wife still feels like I "put her in a tough spot" and "chose my family over her" for going to spend that last Thanksgiving with my grandmother, and she declined to come down- I don't even know if she told her mom and brother they were invited to spend it with my family. It's still a very, very sore subject that she brings up every now and again when she feels the need to throw something in my face. This year one of my brothers and his girlfriend are hosting us about 5 hours west of where we live. Not sure if the wife is coming or not, in light of everything going on, and with her fear of things "being awkward" with my family. Good that you went to see your grandmother and spend a memorable Thanksgiving with loved ones last year. That's what Thanksgiving is about! It's good that you didn't allow your wife to influence you not to go and the fact that she brings it up and has some issues about it really speaks to how little empathy or compassion she has for your feelings. Not to mention, not being there for you while your grandmother was ill. I spent Thanksgiving separate from my ex last year. We were going through the divorce. I went to my parents and had a very relaxing time away. Do what will make you happy! |
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Post by cagedtiger on Nov 17, 2016 9:28:06 GMT -5
This is going to be an interesting year for Thanksgiving. Last year, two weeks before Thanksgiving, we found out that my grandmother had an inoperable tumor on her pancreas that was growing very aggressively, and her doctors had given her a month or two tops. With that in mind, my parents put together a plan to have all our family and friends come to their house for a big final Thanksgiving for my grandmother, since it was always one of her favorite holidays. Problem with that was, my wife had asked if we could have a smaller Thanksgiving with just us, her mom, and her brother. When my parents told us the news, they made it very clear her family was also very, very welcome to come. The wife still feels like I "put her in a tough spot" and "chose my family over her" for going to spend that last Thanksgiving with my grandmother, and she declined to come down- I don't even know if she told her mom and brother they were invited to spend it with my family. It's still a very, very sore subject that she brings up every now and again when she feels the need to throw something in my face. This year one of my brothers and his girlfriend are hosting us about 5 hours west of where we live. Not sure if the wife is coming or not, in light of everything going on, and with her fear of things "being awkward" with my family. Good that you went to see your grandmother and spend a memorable Thanksgiving with loved ones last year. That's what Thanksgiving is about! It's good that you didn't allow your wife to influence you not to go and the fact that she brings it up and has some issues about it really speaks to how little empathy or compassion she has for your feelings. Not to mention, not being there for you while your grandmother was ill. I spent Thanksgiving separate from my ex last year. We were going through the divorce. I went to my parents and had a very relaxing time away. Do what will make you happy! Well, now she's acting like nothing is wrong and everything is awesome between us. She asked if we couldmake a day trip to talk to my folks about Thanksgiving now, so i really don't know what's going on. |
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Post by tamara68 on Nov 17, 2016 9:44:13 GMT -5
Well, now she's acting like nothing is wrong and everything is awesome between us. She asked if we couldmake a day trip to talk to my folks about Thanksgiving now, so i really don't know what's going on. I think she simply doesn't want to face reality. She didn't want to face the problems in your marriage and she doesn't want to be the one to say it is over. So as long as you don't cut any knots, she will pretend everything is fine. Just before I left my husband, he was still planning things for the longer term. Even though he definitely had noticed that I was preparing my exit. He was in denial. In fact he still is. |
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Post by LITW on Nov 17, 2016 9:48:55 GMT -5
Thanksgiving in my reality has always been about family. All four of our parents are still alive and live within a short drive, so we are always around family for any given holiday. For this reason, family time has always squeezed sex out of consideration during holidays. In the 13 years we have been together, we have never had sex on any holiday, even when we were sexually active.
We are usually at her brother's house for the Thanksgiving meal, and when we are at her brother's house, she spends the whole time interacting with her family, not me (I dont blame her for that). Being at my parents' house is a buzzkill for me, so nothing happens then either.
So for Thanksgiving, which has been my favorite holiday since I was a kid, I choose to enjoy the people who are important to me. I know in advance nothing will happen, so I have chosen to lower my sexpectations rather than worry about it.
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Post by bballgirl on Nov 17, 2016 10:10:17 GMT -5
Good that you went to see your grandmother and spend a memorable Thanksgiving with loved ones last year. That's what Thanksgiving is about! It's good that you didn't allow your wife to influence you not to go and the fact that she brings it up and has some issues about it really speaks to how little empathy or compassion she has for your feelings. Not to mention, not being there for you while your grandmother was ill. I spent Thanksgiving separate from my ex last year. We were going through the divorce. I went to my parents and had a very relaxing time away. Do what will make you happy! Well, now she's acting like nothing is wrong and everything is awesome between us. She asked if we couldmake a day trip to talk to my folks about Thanksgiving now, so i really don't know what's going on. She's probably resetting you with kindness and manipulation maybe but the bottom line is can she be intimate and affectionate throughout the year not just during holidays for show in front of family? |
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another year of sulking on the cards then!
