ed3
New Member
Wife is detached from reality
Posts: 6 
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Post by ed3 on Nov 14, 2016 17:36:06 GMT -5
I have been in a sm for 5 of the last 11 years. We went to see a counselor and the wife was not participating. She was only there to make sure I did not say anything that she disagreed with. We went to counselor for 4 weeks untill the wife said "we are good right". I continued to go to counselor by myself.
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Post by baza on Nov 14, 2016 17:48:06 GMT -5
G'day ed.
Probably, you are doing the smartest thing already - that being to see an individual counsellor to help you sort your own shit out.
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What your missus does (or does NOT do) is a matter over which you have no control in any event.
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A policy of sorting ones own shit out, and letting the cards fall where they may is a pretty sound plan to follow.
Whether your marriage will survive such a process will reveal itself as you gain more self knowledge.
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Post by greatcoastal on Nov 14, 2016 18:03:06 GMT -5
Hopefully your Councillor picked up on your wife's problem of being a manipulative controller. Why councilors cant say" you have gone the extra mile and your spouse is doing nothing to save this marriage", is beyond me.
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ed3
New Member
Wife is detached from reality
Posts: 6
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Post by ed3 on Nov 14, 2016 18:17:06 GMT -5
Wow, I feel better talking to people who are going through the same thing.
The counselor advised my not to try to convince my wife that I am a good husband and father. The counselor also advised me just continue to do the right things. My wife sees me as the person who had made many mistakes with her sons. I raised my step sons as best I could and was very good to the boys. My wife has told me she resents how the boys were treated by me years ago. Her compaints have no merit. But because she sees me as that guy from the past she cannot feel the romance like before.
Again I am not going to convince her I am a good husband and father nor can I, or should I. The next advice the counselor gave me was start standing up to my wife. So now I am going to kiss her befor she goes to gym.
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Post by unmatched on Nov 14, 2016 18:43:54 GMT -5
Your wife is showing no signs of wanting to learn or change anything. Your counsellor's advice seems to me to be good, but with one caveat. If you are standing up to your wife as another tactic to try and change her behaviour and get her to sleep with you, then I suspect you are doomed to failure. Either it won't work, and you will crumble, or she will figure out how to give you whatever crumbs you need to keep you off balance and emotionally confused, and again you will crumble. If you start standing up to your wife because it is important to YOU - that is a whole different scenario. You can start to figure out what is important to YOU, where YOUR boundaries are and that will communicate itself to your wife. She will then make her choice. But be warned, it may not be a choice that you like and you do risk blowing up your marriage that way.
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ed3
New Member
Wife is detached from reality
Posts: 6
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Post by ed3 on Nov 14, 2016 19:23:26 GMT -5
The counselor has stated my wife is controlling, manipulative, sadistic and miserable. I cannot change or control her. I cannot control what she thinks about me either. I am controlling what I can control which is how I relate to my step children our children together and her. I used used to yell at my son when my wife complained about him not any more. I talk to him explain the situation. He is 13 and is doing well thankfully not affected by my wife bad attitude. My step sons I give clear direction to one is 20 the other is 24 not much mor I can do.
I have tools to deal with wife. 1. if she blames me unfairly I am to tell she cant blame and leave it that. 2. I will do what is right without guilt or shame.
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Post by baza on Nov 14, 2016 19:38:48 GMT -5
I might be going a bridge too far on you at this point Brother ed, but have you as yet consulted a lawyer in your jurisdiction to establish how a divorce would shake out for you ?
Do you have any sort of exit strategy under construction ?
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Post by bballgirl on Nov 14, 2016 20:57:56 GMT -5
It's great that you are using individual therapy to help yourself. You have found a great resource here to help with support and dealing with a SM, but it sounds like you are dealing with more than a SM. Your wife sounds so difficult and that is me biting my tongue to say what I really think but I'm trying to be respectful. It would be a good idea to talk to an attorney, I agree with baza The best you got was "we're good right" - that's bullshit. Welcome to the club! |
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Post by greatcoastal on Nov 14, 2016 21:10:17 GMT -5
One very useful tool for you would be to read and watch many of the shows and articles on shrink4men.com You will learn much about dealing with a narcissist, even the after affects of a separation. Congrats on your AA recovery!
Gather strength through mentors on here, and others around you.
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Nov 18, 2016 16:15:13 GMT -5
The counselor has stated my wife is controlling, manipulative, sadistic and miserable. I cannot change or control her. I cannot control what she thinks about me either. I am controlling what I can control which is how I relate to my step children our children together and her. I used used to yell at my son when my wife complained about him not any more. I talk to him explain the situation. He is 13 and is doing well thankfully not affected by my wife bad attitude. My step sons I give clear direction to one is 20 the other is 24 not much mor I can do. I have tools to deal with wife. 1. if she blames me unfairly I am to tell she cant blame and leave it that. 2. I will do what is right without guilt or shame. Sounds like a good start. I would suggest you read the book, "No More Mr. Nice Guy." |
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