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Post by tamara68 on Nov 12, 2016 15:50:59 GMT -5
Much of this goes back to your original question, "when will there be some progress?" It has already happened, and continues too. Trials and tribulation lead to progress. You did the right thing by destroying his comfortable controlling situation. Your daughter may take some time to get over the fear of what is happening. Your ex may never learn, that is his problem. Follow your attorney,continue to share your tribulations with us. We all need an outlet, a place to learn from, and comfort each other. Continue to share your happy,intelligent, sexy self with us too, stay true to your self! Thanks!  |
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Post by tamara68 on Nov 18, 2016 18:22:27 GMT -5
My MIL has sent me some emails again. They frustrate me a lot. My first impuls is to send a mad response. But so far I have managed to not do that.
"why are you doin this, [name stbx] hasn't done anything terrible to you. How does your daughter have to remember you? as a mother who has abandoned her and her dad? It is not to late to get some respect back from them. What would your mother have said? It would have hurt her too if she knew how her granddaughter lives. [name stbx] has not deserved it to live like this"
I have said a few things before to her about stbx, and she has had a lot of trouble with him too. It annoys me enormously. Stupid crazy idiot chooses himself to not asking for money from social security. It is also his own choice to don't get a lawyer. And his own fucking stupid choice to keep my daughter away from me.
Last weekend I brought a few things for my daughter. They didn't open the door. And I am supposed to be welcome to come back?
I don't know if I have to send MIL a mail. It is completely useless as far as I can tell.
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Post by baza on Nov 18, 2016 18:38:31 GMT -5
I think the mission is to get this ILIASM shithole finished.
Anything else (like arguing the toss with your m.i.l.) is very much a sidebar to the main game.
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You are responsible for you and your actions, not your spouses actions, not even your daughters actions.
Your spouse is responsible for his actions, not yours and not his daughters actions.
Your daughter is responsible for her actions, not yours or and not her fathers actions.
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The sooner your ILIASM shithole is finished, the sooner the healing process for all parties involved gets underway.
That may - in fact probably will - mean that you will have to force that issue, and wear the "bad guy" T shirt for a while.
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PS - occurs to me that M.I.L. is likely acting in what she see's as her own best interests, in as much as she is likely financially bankrolling your spouses indolence to some extent, and would far prefer that you re-assumed that role. I would greatly doubt that M.I.L. is motivated by what would be good for tamara68.
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Post by greatcoastal on Nov 18, 2016 18:40:33 GMT -5
My MIL has sent me some emails again. They frustrate me a lot. My first impuls is to send a mad response. But so far I have managed to not do that. "why are you doin this, [name stbx] hasn't done anything terrible to you. How does your daughter have to remember you? as a mother who has abandoned her and her dad? It is not to late to get some respect back from them. What would your mother have said? It would have hurt her too if she knew how her granddaughter lives. [name stbx] has not deserved it to live like this" I have said a few things before to her about stbx, and she has had a lot of trouble with him too. It annoys me enormously. Stupid crazy idiot chooses himself to not asking for money from social security. It is also his own choice to don't get a lawyer. And his own fucking stupid choice to keep my daughter away from me. Last weekend I brought a few things for my daughter. They didn't open the door. And I am supposed to be welcome to come back? I don't know if I have to send MIL a mail. It is completely useless as far as I can tell. You win some you loose some,(friends and relatives). Some come around with time, others will always remain one sided. Sad but true. We all here know that you made the right choice. Hopefully you can continue to find new friendship with people who will encourage you to be your true self. It takes time and courage. You have proved your courage, more and more healing will take place with time, including your daughter. Give your MIL's letter a few moments thought, forgive her foolish thoughts, remember her good side and tackle another day, with your energetic, fun, sexy, self! |
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Post by DryCreek on Nov 18, 2016 23:48:42 GMT -5
Until the process is complete, your STBX has the advantage of defining the reality your daughter sees. I strongly suspect his (in)actions are intended to make you look like the bad guy. After all, look how bad off he is. "Cutting off one's nose to spite his face."
I think the only solution here is to slog through to the other side and get the ordeal finished. Then there's no claims about you withholding anything or being unfair; it's a court-ordered resolution. It'd help if the court would define something for the interim, which I know you've asked for.
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Post by petrushka on Nov 21, 2016 16:41:19 GMT -5
Tamara, professionally speaking, I would suggest this course of action: get the youth social services involved. I think if you tell them that you worry about what is going on with your daughter, who is living with an obsessive, controlling father who does his worst to try and manipulate and brainwash her, as he has done with you until you could not bear it any more, who is self-destructing with his irresponsible fiscal behaviour and life management (no lawyer, no social security, no work, no income, no prospects and refuses to face up to reality as the rest of us experience it) they should be prepared to send a youth-worker out, or a councilor. The girl is living with a man who is borderline insane. They may be able to get her straightened out some, and if they can't, then you have done your best.
If nothing else, they may be able to intercept her at school.
It may come to nothing, but it may lead to her having someone else looking after her interests until she gets some distance from her father's manipulation and comes to a point where she may be interested in hearing your side. But don't hold your breath. However, it's a very, very good idea, in my opinion, to get someone else looking out for her interests.
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Post by tamara68 on Nov 21, 2016 18:02:02 GMT -5
I think the mission is to get this ILIASM shithole finished. Anything else (like arguing the toss with your m.i.l.) is very much a sidebar to the main game. - You are responsible for you and your actions, not your spouses actions, not even your daughters actions. Your spouse is responsible for his actions, not yours and not his daughters actions. Your daughter is responsible for her actions, not yours or and not her fathers actions. - The sooner your ILIASM shithole is finished, the sooner the healing process for all parties involved gets underway. That may - in fact probably will - mean that you will have to force that issue, and wear the "bad guy" T shirt for a while. - PS - occurs to me that M.I.L. is likely acting in what she see's as her own best interests, in as much as she is likely financially bankrolling your spouses indolence to some extent, and would far prefer that you re-assumed that role. I would greatly doubt that M.I.L. is motivated by what would be good for tamara68. I am prepared to be the bad guy for some time. Just hope it will end some day. I think you are right about MIL. |
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Post by tamara68 on Nov 21, 2016 18:05:40 GMT -5
Until the process is complete, your STBX has the advantage of defining the reality your daughter sees. I strongly suspect his (in)actions are intended to make you look like the bad guy. After all, look how bad off he is. "Cutting off one's nose to spite his face." I think the only solution here is to slog through to the other side and get the ordeal finished. Then there's no claims about you withholding anything or being unfair; it's a court-ordered resolution. It'd help if the court would define something for the interim, which I know you've asked for. My first goal at the moment is that court-ordered resolution. But, knowing my stbx, I am afraid that it won't be enough to get the ordeal finished. stbx is extremely stubborn and he considers everyone to be wrong if they don't agree with him. That applies to judges as well. I wouldn't be surprised if he would file a complaint against the judge if he/she gives a verdict that is wrong according to him and is not what according to whatever he has found on the internet. |
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Post by tamara68 on Nov 21, 2016 18:10:55 GMT -5
Tamara, professionally speaking, I would suggest this course of action: get the youth social services involved. I think if you tell them that you worry about what is going on with your daughter, who is living with an obsessive, controlling father who does his worst to try and manipulate and brainwash her, as he has done with you until you could not bear it any more, who is self-destructing with his irresponsible fiscal behaviour and life management (no lawyer, no social security, no work, no income, no prospects and refuses to face up to reality as the rest of us experience it) they should be prepared to send a youth-worker out, or a councilor. The girl is living with a man who is borderline insane. They may be able to get her straightened out some, and if they can't, then you have done your best. If nothing else, they may be able to intercept her at school. It may come to nothing, but it may lead to her having someone else looking after her interests until she gets some distance from her father's manipulation and comes to a point where she may be interested in hearing your side. But don't hold your breath. However, it's a very, very good idea, in my opinion, to get someone else looking out for her interests. I have been thinking about that. But I am hesitating. Stbx is cornered now. With his back against the wall. But he still has some room to control things and thus feel in control. If he gets the youth social services on his neck, he will lose everything. And be totally desperate. I think that is more dangerous at the moment than wait a little longer. Get someone else looking for my daughters interest is something I would like too, but if possible in a way that is not extra threatening to stbx. |
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Post by petrushka on Nov 21, 2016 21:17:46 GMT -5
I was not suggesting that they get her away from him, but I think that having someone sane talk to her, just talk, and get her to think things through, and maybe relate that her current 'normal' is not normal at all .... that could be valuable.
I am thinking about how my wife never realized that what was to her a 'normal' upbringing was very ab-normal .... only when she started polytech to study social work at 35 and got talking to some other students about their upbringing.
(and she is still suffering the consequences, and that will not ever change, now, as I see it - damaged for life).
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Post by tamara68 on Nov 22, 2016 6:24:15 GMT -5
I was not suggesting that they get her away from him, but I think that having someone sane talk to her, just talk, and get her to think things through, and maybe relate that her current 'normal' is not normal at all .... that could be valuable. I am thinking about how my wife never realized that what was to her a 'normal' upbringing was very ab-normal .... only when she started polytech to study social work at 35 and got talking to some other students about their upbringing. (and she is still suffering the consequences, and that will not ever change, now, as I see it - damaged for life). Any interference will feel threatening for stbx. I think I need to take one step at the time. First a bit more clearance about the financial matters. More steps after that. |
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