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Post by tamara68 on Nov 10, 2016 9:52:27 GMT -5
It is about ten weeks since I left my stbx. He still hasn't done anything but writing letters with threats and lectures.
He can get money from the state, but he will have to do something for that. But he is still holding on to his idea that I have to keep providing everything for him and my daughter. I have wired money for my daughter several times, but that is not enough if that is all. Some of the bills have not been paid and it won't be long till he will be forced to do something. He says I am abusing him and my daughter. Keeps holding me responsible for everything.
He has been begging for money from his mother. So he has managed to delay everything so far.
My lawyer is going to send a request to court about making financial arrangements for the time till divorce. Roughly a year. I hope that will give some clarity and push stbx in the right direction.
Stupid idiot still hasn't got a lawyer. He totally relies on his own ideas based on the internet.
I wish I could skip a few months. It must be getting easier later.
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Post by Dan on Nov 10, 2016 10:42:29 GMT -5
I recall your daughter is kind of "caught in the middle", and her father just has more control over her at this point. I assume you'd prefer if she stayed with you.
Can't your lawyer claim "because the father can't support the daughter, she should stay with the mother"?
Financial concern: PLEASE clearly record EVERY PENNY (or euro or guilder) that you are sending to him; if a court says "you should have supported him at least this much", you'll need that documentation. Keep records; use checks (not cash); maybe even give the money to your lawyer so he/she can document the transfer as needed. Also: if there is a chance you'll get "hit" for "back support", perhaps you should be setting aside a LITTLE bit now (in case the court orders immediate back-support); but you'll get to keep this if they don't.
Anyway, I hope you get some movement, some resolution soon.
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Post by wewbwb on Nov 10, 2016 13:17:23 GMT -5
Stupid idiot still hasn't got a lawyer. He totally relies on his own ideas based on the internet. How can this possibly go wrong? |
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Post by tamara68 on Nov 10, 2016 15:15:20 GMT -5
I recall your daughter is kind of "caught in the middle", and her father just has more control over her at this point. I assume you'd prefer if she stayed with you. Can't your lawyer claim "because the father can't support the daughter, she should stay with the mother"? Financial concern: PLEASE clearly record EVERY PENNY (or euro or guilder) that you are sending to him; if a court says "you should have supported him at least this much", you'll need that documentation. Keep records; use checks (not cash); maybe even give the money to your lawyer so he/she can document the transfer as needed. Also: if there is a chance you'll get "hit" for "back support", perhaps you should be setting aside a LITTLE bit now (in case the court orders immediate back-support); but you'll get to keep this if they don't. Anyway, I hope you get some movement, some resolution soon. I think there is a good chance that a judge would say my daughter should stay at least half the time with me. The problem is when my husband and daughter don't do what a judge says. I can't force that. That is.... technically it is possible to have the police pick my daughter up and deliver her at my place, but that is not recommendable for the relation with her. I have spoken with a few different people. Two lawyers and also people who have gone through a bad divorce. They all advice to not force visiting rights. Be patient. Difficult but probably best. I will make a list of the financial things. At the moment I am not supporting my husband. only my daughter. But he uses it for both of them and it is not enough. If he keeps doing as stupid as he does, they will be thrown out of the house for not paying the rent. But hopefully a judge will create a better situation with clarity about finances and hopefully stbx will finally see that he has to ask welfare support. But he is extremely stubborn, so it wouldn't surprise me if he simply ignorse what a judge says. |
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Post by tamara68 on Nov 10, 2016 15:16:31 GMT -5
Stupid idiot still hasn't got a lawyer. He totally relies on his own ideas based on the internet. How can this possibly go wrong? I am not worried about what a judge might decide. Not worried about me. But I am worried that my husband is digging his own grave and that he is making everything ten times as hard for himself and my daughter. Of course blaming me for everything. |
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Post by eternaloptimism on Nov 10, 2016 17:06:43 GMT -5
How can this possibly go wrong? I am not worried about what a judge might decide. Not worried about me. But I am worried that my husband is digging his own grave and that he is making everything ten times as hard for himself and my daughter. Of course blaming me for everything. How are you doing without your daughter Tamara? I forget how old she is. This must be so hard for you. I often wonder if I could do this. Xx |
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Post by baza on Nov 10, 2016 21:44:13 GMT -5
Short term, the biggest weapon in your bag is "money".
If you cut him off from it COMPLETELY, you will hasten the process along.
That is the main thing you have going to drag him to the table.
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You wouldn't want your daughter hurt in the crossfire, so if you want to support her, do so independent of him.
But, one way or another, cut him off. COMPLETELY.
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Post by tamara68 on Nov 11, 2016 11:19:10 GMT -5
I am not worried about what a judge might decide. Not worried about me. But I am worried that my husband is digging his own grave and that he is making everything ten times as hard for himself and my daughter. Of course blaming me for everything. How are you doing without your daughter Tamara? I forget how old she is. This must be so hard for you. I often wonder if I could do this. Xx My daughter is 15, in 3 months she will be 16. It is very hard. I hope I am doing the right thing. I have not seen her anymore since I left. I know her father is constantly making her believe that I am bad for leaving them. He doesn't write about himself but about him and our daughter as one party. I text her sometimes, but she doesn't reply. In the first weeks she has sent a few messages but they were clearly dictated by her dad. I think this is the hardest time to get through. I hope it will get better when finances are more clear. But now I feel sadness for her constantly. |
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Post by tamara68 on Nov 11, 2016 13:29:03 GMT -5
Short term, the biggest weapon in your bag is "money". If you cut him off from it COMPLETELY, you will hasten the process along. That is the main thing you have going to drag him to the table. - You wouldn't want your daughter hurt in the crossfire, so if you want to support her, do so independent of him. But, one way or another, cut him off. COMPLETELY. That is what my lawyer says too. But I wouldn't know how to support my daughter independent of her dad. My lawyer has sent him a notification that I will pay a certain amount per month for my daughter. I wire that amount clearly tagged as child support money. I have paid bills that were partially covering costs for the time that I still lived with my daughter and stbx. But I don't pay the next bills until an arrangement is made with help of the court. I find that scary. If the rent isn't paid for 3 months, they can be thrown out of the apartment. Any other person than my stbx would have done something to find solutions for the financial problems. But the only thing he has been doing is sending letters to everyone. Now his mother and her best friends give money for food. That means that it takes longer before he sees the light. IF that is possible at all. |
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Post by baza on Nov 11, 2016 17:11:48 GMT -5
Set your daughter up with a bank account.
Any financial support you want to give her, lodge in that bank account (to which she, and she alone has access).
Cut the parasite out of the financial picture.
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Post by DryCreek on Nov 11, 2016 20:42:56 GMT -5
Set your daughter up with a bank account. Any financial support you want to give her, lodge in that bank account (to which she, and she alone has access). Cut the parasite out of the financial picture. This could be a really good idea. I was struggling with the idea that by sending the money to him, he can spin a caustic tale about how tamara68 isn't supporting her daughter, etc. He holds the keys to her reality. This might also help to improve communications with her daughter, as they have an excuse to talk. |
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Post by tamara68 on Nov 12, 2016 7:34:36 GMT -5
baza and DryCreek I don't think that will work. If my daughter has money on her account, her dad will ask her to pay for the groceries and she will do that. Both of them need to eat. It would maybe even make it worse because it would give her responsibility for either denying her dad things he need, or choosing to feel responsible for him. Feeling responsible for him would be horrible. That would make her more part of his problem than she already is. Leaving it as it is for the moment is probably the only way. Just waiting and see what is going to happen with help of the court.
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Post by greatcoastal on Nov 12, 2016 8:36:17 GMT -5
Much of this goes back to your original question, "when will there be some progress?" It has already happened, and continues too. Trials and tribulation lead to progress. You did the right thing by destroying his comfortable controlling situation. Your daughter may take some time to get over the fear of what is happening. Your ex may never learn, that is his problem.
Follow your attorney,continue to share your tribulations with us. We all need an outlet, a place to learn from, and comfort each other. Continue to share your happy,intelligent, sexy self with us too, stay true to your self!
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Post by eternaloptimism on Nov 12, 2016 11:25:43 GMT -5
How are you doing without your daughter Tamara? I forget how old she is. This must be so hard for you. I often wonder if I could do this. Xx My daughter is 15, in 3 months she will be 16. It is very hard. I hope I am doing the right thing. I have not seen her anymore since I left. I know her father is constantly making her believe that I am bad for leaving them. He doesn't write about himself but about him and our daughter as one party. I text her sometimes, but she doesn't reply. In the first weeks she has sent a few messages but they were clearly dictated by her dad. I think this is the hardest time to get through. I hope it will get better when finances are more clear. But now I feel sadness for her constantly. Tamara you are bloody amazing. Really. I wish I had a fraction of your strength xxx |
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Post by tamara68 on Nov 12, 2016 15:49:20 GMT -5
eternaloptimism Thank you. I am pretty sure that you have a lot of strength. However difficult it is for me now, it was harder when I still lived with my stbx. When things can not get much worse anymore, it doesn't require a special strength to leave. When you reach the moment and know that enough is enough, you just go. The last months before I left, I didn't have much chance to speak with my daughter without interference of stbx. So I felt that that was almost the same as not living in the same house as my daughter. The only way to be with her alone is to first endure some time without her now.
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