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Post by Deleted on Nov 12, 2016 22:53:47 GMT -5
I like the people here and would miss them terribly if we lost touch. After EP, I was one of the first and most vocal people to urge forming this new place for our tribe.
Also, although I'm out, I'm still not 100% sure that I'm really better off, in all areas of my life. I think changing locations was good for my career and my social life. But my love life is still no better than it was before. I have a couple of men I know online who talk but don't seem serious about doing anything IRL; and I've dated a few men IRL, none of whom have been quite right.
So, maybe for me, getting out was neither better nor worse, but a draw.
So - my point is - I still need people here to remind me how unhappy I was when I was still with him. How I felt like I had been fast-forwarded to old age, like nothing new would ever happen for me again.
I still need people here to help me remember that he did not really do as much as he could have to save the relationship and keep me.
I need to be reminded that he turned away from me not only sexually, but emotionally.
And, I need to be reminded that my feelings matter, and my wants and needs matter. I need to be reminded not to feel guilty for wanting to have my needs met.
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Post by JMX on Nov 12, 2016 23:11:33 GMT -5
Oh @celt - you ask this question about once every 6 months or so, for a couple of years. No problem - but you get the same answers. We all get the same answers when we get here, as we go through it and when/if we got out. Like others, I am happy that the ones that have been there come back. They offer a light. We keep from becoming an echo-chamber that all people are prone to do (FB -for example - this week alone has sussed out people that cannot see any other view point but their own - on both sides). I fear you prefer the dark of depressive commiseration. I think a lot of us have hope. Hope our marriages get better and hope that if we got out, we would find some clarity and our lives would get better. Do you watch a movie with a positive message and cry? Do you love a book where a character is transformed? It's not all rainbows and sunshine once you get out. Everyone has their trials. But their perspective is valuable here and I am immensely thankful  Cheer up, buttercup! Life isn't that bad and while it might rain all the time in your country of origin, I am pretty sure it doesn't in your current city ❤️ |
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Post by callisto on Nov 13, 2016 6:27:18 GMT -5
A HUGE thank you to all you good people who have been so kind as to stick about and offer your thoughts, advice, wisdom post-SM.
Like many others here I am still battling the many headed hydra that constitutes an SM. I need all the help I can get- extra sword-arms etc
I have always been reluctant to talk about SM to friends/ family for the many reasons including loyalty, shame, upsetting family, admitting failure and lack of understanding, even anger that the plight seems to provoke in those who have not been there.
It gives me great hope to hear that others have tackled the beast and moved on with their lives. If there were no stories where the monster was successfully wrestled/ rested then I would be nearer despair for it would suggest there was little chance of defeating it.
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Post by Caris on Nov 13, 2016 9:53:34 GMT -5
Caris, I could not imagine the loneliness and especially the unknowing you suffered through the years. I felt emotional pain for the last several years before finding out about SM but it was not like your situation. I recently just found this forum. Just seeing that others were in the same place made life a little easier. There's much wisdom to found here. There is no way that I would be in the place that I'm at without many of the posters on here. It's better than a book because it's real life. I enjoy your posts on here. You're correct about no one understanding but those who go through it. I'm glad that you're still on here. My hope for you is that you find someone to have a deep and caring relationship in the second half of your life. Thank you for your kind and understanding words, Heraclitus. They lift me up. |
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Post by Caris on Nov 13, 2016 10:03:41 GMT -5
I like the people here and would miss them terribly if we lost touch. After EP, I was one of the first and most vocal people to urge forming this new place for our tribe. Also, although I'm out, I'm still not 100% sure that I'm really better off, in all areas of my life. I think changing locations was good for my career and my social life. But my love life is still no better than it was before. I have a couple of men I know online who talk but don't seem serious about doing anything IRL; and I've dated a few men IRL, none of whom have been quite right. So, maybe for me, getting out was neither better nor worse, but a draw. So - my point is - I still need people here to remind me how unhappy I was when I was still with him. How I felt like I had been fast-forwarded to old age, like nothing new would ever happen for me again. I still need people here to help me remember that he did not really do as much as he could have to save the relationship and keep me. I need to be reminded that he turned away from me not only sexually, but emotionally. And, I need to be reminded that my feelings matter, and my wants and needs matter. I need to be reminded not to feel guilty for wanting to have my needs met. Kat, as bad as my deal was, I'm like you in that I need to keep reminding myself how he treated me. It's so easy for memory to forgive and forget this, especially when feeling lonely, which is just about every day in my case (living a life of solitude). How easy for our minds to rationalize that maybe it wasn't so bad, when we know it was absolute misery. |
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Post by GeekGoddess on Nov 13, 2016 10:06:11 GMT -5
@smartkat - this quote: So, maybe for me, getting out was neither better nor worse, but a draw.
I understand that and I believe it sometimes for my deal except then I remember that - if it were a draw, I'd have no chance to change my fortune. The aspect of my SM where the future would be EXACTLY THE SAME as the present bled into all other areas of my life. So now - I have a CHANCE to change my fortunes - all of them - school, work, circle of friends, how I relate to my family because now I can be open & honest with them and I see or speak to them more often, more freely than before - as well as, hopefully, my romantic life. Right now, romance has not changed in daily activity factually - not MUCH - but the chance that it could is present and that was a "no go" before.
The feeling of control of my own destiny, while sometimes it's lonely, makes me always remember that it is "better than a draw" at least - my old odds were 100% to remain the same and the new odds are at least 50/50 to make changes in my life.
I hope that helps so that you'll remember it's at a draw plus ONE to the positive. You are the master of your future now. Your needs and wants DO matter!
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Post by GeekGoddess on Nov 13, 2016 11:33:40 GMT -5
Oh @celt - you ask this question about once every 6 months or so, for a couple of years. No problem - but you get the same answers. @thecelt - Sometimes, when I see this question I wonder why the first time(s) weren't enough of an answer. I feel like I'm talking to my Ex or something - yes it was asked, I answered, and either you didn't hear me, or listen, or for some reason feel I was making up my answer. What's up with that? So here again: When I first found EP ILIASM, I was thrilled to know of others who were experiencing similar situations. I found people that I could identify with - in fact, many people who had thought longer and smarter about the situation and the implications of it. This was very helpful. I appreciated commiserating with the group for sure. Then I also found those members who had already gotten out. Some of the historical posts were eye-opening and many were very instructive (Ms. Enna must have had a PhD in "shithole theory" - although couched in more eloquent language than that). But the brightest spot for me became Baza sharing his firmly logical knowledge of what to do when and how to make sure my plan would succeed. His posts were like an instruction manual - it was at my disposal IF I chose to access it. Access it, I did. My emotional stuff is covered a lot with my therapist but I didn't talk to her about the legal stuff or much of the mental abuse aspects. We focused on plan of action (the 1st therapist) and my current feelings at that time. Since getting out, I finally have a chance to review a lot of the recent past with my new therapist. We also spend time on current feelings now. But none of the paid professionals GET IT the way this group does. So I am here for two selfish reasons and one altruistic one. Selfish 1) I still need the group support for what I currently experience. Selfish 2) I love the friends I have made here on the site and would miss them otherwise. Altruistic 1) If I can help anyone - even ONE person - the way this group helped me, then I need to do that - to "pay it forward" to the universe like I got graced with when I first found the group. I still don't understand why this gets asked so often. But - I still find it worth answering, today. |
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Post by JMX on Nov 13, 2016 22:41:20 GMT -5
Cheer up, buttercup! Life isn't that bad and while it might rain all the time in your country of origin, I am pretty sure it doesn't in your current city ❤️ Get out! @thecelt is originally.... from a country under her Excellency The Queen's reign? Me thinks, maybe. I love @thecelt - he's a damn sourpuss, but I am an American Anglophile and I want to go to a pub with him wearing a Speedo and socks with flip-flops. Sincerely, it's a life goal. He's my favorite curmudgeon! He may be in my top 5 favorite ILIASM'ers TBH. |
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Post by unmatched on Nov 14, 2016 18:45:36 GMT -5
Get out! @thecelt is originally.... from a country under her Excellency The Queen's reign? Me thinks, maybe. I love @thecelt - he's a damn sourpuss, but I am an American Anglophile and I want to go to a pub with him wearing a Speedo and socks with flip-flops. Sincerely, it's a life goal. He's my favorite curmudgeon! He may be in my top 5 favorite ILIASM'ers TBH. Is that really your mental image of English men? Speedos and socks with flip flops? Ouch!!! |
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Post by JMX on Nov 15, 2016 21:01:09 GMT -5
unmatched - he told a story or made a comment about traveling with the wife to a tropical destination where he insisted on wearing his Speedo and flip-flops (or maybe otherwise beachy shoes) with socks.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 16, 2016 14:50:56 GMT -5
Get out! @thecelt is originally.... from a country under her Excellency The Queen's reign? Me thinks, maybe. I love @thecelt - he's a damn sourpuss, but I am an American Anglophile and I want to go to a pub with him wearing a Speedo and socks with flip-flops. Sincerely, it's a life goal. He's my favorite curmudgeon! He may be in my top 5 favorite ILIASM'ers TBH. Come on ladies a speedo is so 1980's today it is the man-thong ....... although the restraining order from the local pool mean I don't get to wear it out as often I like too. |
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Post by Rhapsodee on Nov 22, 2016 15:35:14 GMT -5
Caris, well said. I like following your journeys in post SM world. I can see that it isn't all sunshine and roses. I know that the only way I will be free is if some catastrophe happens to force it. If I'm not careful I could be the source of that catastrophic event.
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Post by solodriver on Nov 23, 2016 0:11:25 GMT -5
Caris , well said. I like following your journeys in post SM world. I can see that it isn't all sunshine and roses. I know that the only way I will be free is if some catastrophe happens to force it. If I'm not careful I could be the source of that catastrophic event. I've been feeling the very same way lately.
Marital Weather Forecast: Severe Storm Watch is in effect!
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