His actions are his. My actions are mine.
Nov 7, 2016 9:08:01 GMT -5
Dan, Isabellas39, and 8 more like this
Post by GeekGoddess on Nov 7, 2016 9:08:01 GMT -5
I could post this in the Post SM thread, because it is something that came clear last night & I've been out a while. But it could benefit those still in the shithole so I chose to put it in SM Issues instead.
Many may not see the similarity in what I have to tell, but for me it strongly reinforced something that is a basic "truth" about my life.
Last night in my meeting we had a somewhat new person who really wants to get clean & sober but she is not able to succeed yet. This is not that uncommon but her pain over it was very evident and she's coming to more than one meeting a day really trying to figure out how to not use in between (just: failing at that so far). Her BF drops her off and picks her up. More detail was shared (heroin on top of booze makes this a strong beast to try and slay).
She related that she's never loved anyone more or been together with anyone longer. She discussed that many people have told her they won't be able to get clean together - that one always drags down the other partner. She admitted she may have blinders on still, but that SHE believes they could do it (together).
When discussing with him - they talked about maybe having to be apart to get clean. He said it would break him if she left him to get clean. She said they may need to but that once clean/dry they could get back together as sober people. He said it couldn't happen. If she left in order to get clean, he couldn't live and would probably just OD - and if he didn't, and he did manage to get clean, well he probably couldn't take her back anyway because the pain would be so great.
Here's the thing - I know some of this is OVERLY dramatic due to the substances involved, and many folks may not relate because of that. But it rang me like a bell to see her situation, see what parts I did have in common. I feel like he has a gun to her head practically.
My share, after she spoke - centered on my own story. My experience was that I had to leave my marriage in order to hit my bottom. I had never realized how much my Ex "protected me" from my own consequences. It was not until I was already out that I more fully understood the dangerous nature of my "self" and my habits (addiction - even though mine was "just" alcohol).
I had wasted many years explaining my actions "in response to" others - mainly husband, but it even applied way back at my parents' home too. I "had to" react the way I did due to XYZ that some external person thought, pressured me, made me, "forced" me to. This is SO wrong-headed. My actions are MY own actions. His actions are HIS actions. In no case are my actions his choice. Ever. Not ever. I can fool MYSELF into believing otherwise - hence, the length of marriage stretching to 17 years. Not all were wasted - but every time I said (or believed) that I did something for him, because of him, in response to him - I was lying. Mostly to myself.
My actions are my own and I need to own each and every one. That is scary when I was stuck in non-adult situation. I must save my own ass. No one else CAN even if they would like to. Therefore, I am the one saving or killing my ass no matter how many times I believe that my volition is a "response" to something or someone outside of me.
I am so glad that I got out so I can become an adult finally. It sounded so boring before - taking responsibility for my own actions. Now that I'm not quite a year sober - I know that with great responsibility comes great freedoms. I am glad as hell to be the one holding myself accountable for my own decisions, standing up to my own scrutiny and not anyone else's. THIS is living.
I hope this helps someone. If not - thanks for reading it anyway as I did feel the need to contemplate it by typing it out.
Many may not see the similarity in what I have to tell, but for me it strongly reinforced something that is a basic "truth" about my life.
Last night in my meeting we had a somewhat new person who really wants to get clean & sober but she is not able to succeed yet. This is not that uncommon but her pain over it was very evident and she's coming to more than one meeting a day really trying to figure out how to not use in between (just: failing at that so far). Her BF drops her off and picks her up. More detail was shared (heroin on top of booze makes this a strong beast to try and slay).
She related that she's never loved anyone more or been together with anyone longer. She discussed that many people have told her they won't be able to get clean together - that one always drags down the other partner. She admitted she may have blinders on still, but that SHE believes they could do it (together).
When discussing with him - they talked about maybe having to be apart to get clean. He said it would break him if she left him to get clean. She said they may need to but that once clean/dry they could get back together as sober people. He said it couldn't happen. If she left in order to get clean, he couldn't live and would probably just OD - and if he didn't, and he did manage to get clean, well he probably couldn't take her back anyway because the pain would be so great.
Here's the thing - I know some of this is OVERLY dramatic due to the substances involved, and many folks may not relate because of that. But it rang me like a bell to see her situation, see what parts I did have in common. I feel like he has a gun to her head practically.
My share, after she spoke - centered on my own story. My experience was that I had to leave my marriage in order to hit my bottom. I had never realized how much my Ex "protected me" from my own consequences. It was not until I was already out that I more fully understood the dangerous nature of my "self" and my habits (addiction - even though mine was "just" alcohol).
I had wasted many years explaining my actions "in response to" others - mainly husband, but it even applied way back at my parents' home too. I "had to" react the way I did due to XYZ that some external person thought, pressured me, made me, "forced" me to. This is SO wrong-headed. My actions are MY own actions. His actions are HIS actions. In no case are my actions his choice. Ever. Not ever. I can fool MYSELF into believing otherwise - hence, the length of marriage stretching to 17 years. Not all were wasted - but every time I said (or believed) that I did something for him, because of him, in response to him - I was lying. Mostly to myself.
My actions are my own and I need to own each and every one. That is scary when I was stuck in non-adult situation. I must save my own ass. No one else CAN even if they would like to. Therefore, I am the one saving or killing my ass no matter how many times I believe that my volition is a "response" to something or someone outside of me.
I am so glad that I got out so I can become an adult finally. It sounded so boring before - taking responsibility for my own actions. Now that I'm not quite a year sober - I know that with great responsibility comes great freedoms. I am glad as hell to be the one holding myself accountable for my own decisions, standing up to my own scrutiny and not anyone else's. THIS is living.
I hope this helps someone. If not - thanks for reading it anyway as I did feel the need to contemplate it by typing it out.
