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Post by Deleted on Nov 6, 2016 9:30:48 GMT -5
In rare cases I really think it's someone from EP or a spinoff when I read an article about sexless marriages. All the canonical dogmas are in here: get out now, passive aggression, the failure of counseling, the failure of Talks, it never gets better, your refusing spouse either doesn't care or can't grasp the idea that sex is important. The cheating guy is a little smug. I of all people cannot judge anyone for outsourcing, but he's a little flippant about something that can have devastating consequences. But true it is, if you're not ready to leave and not willing to accept enforced celibacy, outsourcing is your only option. articles.chicagotribune.com/2008-06-05/features/0806030383_1_sexual-divorce-feelings
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Post by beachguy on Nov 6, 2016 10:41:39 GMT -5
I did not perceive him as smug. I perceived him as someone like us that weighed the options, made his choice, and is living with it.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 6, 2016 11:11:18 GMT -5
"Having a woman desire me is intoxicating."
This is how I felt when I met my first AP. He hit on me. ME! Me, overweight, middle-aged me. Talk about intoxicating. I don't think it's smug.
Leaving isn't an option for me. I've gone over it a thousand times in my head; the financial, emotional, logistical, physical repercussions of leaving aren't for me. And, I do like him. This goes back to the "What are you getting out of it" thread. I have a companion with whom I share similar values. We enjoy some of the same things, but have enough different interests so we aren't in each other's way. We provide stability for each other. And I think if he did actually fuck that girl in his office, I'd think, "good. He finally got it out of his system."
If it sounds a little like having my cake and eating it too, it probably is. Do our needs make us selfish? I don't think so.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 6, 2016 11:15:24 GMT -5
I did not perceive him as smug. I perceived him as someone like us that weighed the options, made his choice, and is living with it. Yeah just my perception. Could be totally off.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 6, 2016 11:16:11 GMT -5
"Having a woman desire me is intoxicating." This is how I felt when I met my first AP. He hit on me. ME! Me, overweight, middle-aged me. Talk about intoxicating. I don't think it's smug. Leaving isn't an option for me. I've gone over it a thousand times in my head; the financial, emotional, logistical, physical repercussions of leaving aren't for me. And, I do like him. This goes back to the "What are you getting out of it" thread. I have a companion with whom I share similar values. We enjoy some of the same things, but have enough different interests so we aren't in each other's way. We provide stability for each other. And I think if he did actually fuck that girl in his office, I'd think, "good. He finally got it out of his system." If it sounds a little like having my cake and eating it too, it probably is. Do our needs make us selfish? I don't think so. Not at all. I did it too.
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Post by beachguy on Nov 6, 2016 11:18:00 GMT -5
I did not perceive him as smug. I perceived him as someone like us that weighed the options, made his choice, and is living with it. Yeah just my perception. Could be totally off. I also considered the fact that people are rarely quoted verbatim. More often than not the author uses some degree of "literary license". And in articles like that I assume that is true and in fact the quoted sources may even be imaginary composites
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Post by Deleted on Nov 6, 2016 11:33:55 GMT -5
Yeah just my perception. Could be totally off. I also considered the fact that people are rarely quoted verbatim. More often than not the author uses some degree of "literary license". And in articles like that I assume that is true and in fact the quoted sources may even be imaginary composites Like that kid in the city who everyone was crying for who didn't exist? My only gripe is that "he" intentionally or not makes it sound like having an affair is a rather simple matter. If you're not getting laid at home, just get laid somewhere else. It's not that simple. You have to learn to lie. You have to risk your marriage dissolving (and in some jurisdictions a big financial hit) if you're detected. You have to risk having your heart broken. You have to risk getting shot. You're right though they may well have left out some things he said. The article would be depressing if it implied there isn't a relatively easy solution. Maybe WE know that an affair isn't such a simple matter, but a person just realizing they are in a SM shithole may not.
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Post by beachguy on Nov 6, 2016 11:36:34 GMT -5
I also considered the fact that people are rarely quoted verbatim. More often than not the author uses some degree of "literary license". And in articles like that I assume that is true and in fact the quoted sources may even be imaginary composites Like that kid in the city who everyone was crying for who didn't exist? My only gripe is that "he" intentionally or not makes it sound like having an affair is a rather simple matter. If you're not getting laid at home, just get laid somewhere else. It's not that simple. You have to learn to lie. You have to risk your marriage dissolving (and in some jurisdictions a big financial hit) if you're detected. You have to risk having your heart broken. You have to risk getting shot. You're right though they may well have left out some things he said. The article would be depressing if it implied there isn't a relatively easy solution. Maybe WE know that an affair isn't such a simple matter, but a person just realizing they are in a SM shithole may not. I definitely agree that the article was far from comprehensive.
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Post by baza on Nov 6, 2016 16:43:42 GMT -5
Cheating is every bit as legitimate a choice as "staying" or "leaving". - And like those other choices, there will be logistical and emotional difficulties in putting the choice in to action. - And like those other choices, consequences (good and bad) will ensue. - And, like those other two choices, you need a plan to mitigate against the potential bad consequences of your choice. - Specifically in regard to the fabulous *Tom* cited in the article, his strategy is - "I'm very, very careful to make sure my wife never finds out". That is one rotten strategy. But if his missus is so incredibly stupid that she hasn't caught a clue in a couple of decades, fair enough. - A strategy of "hoping your spouse is incredibly stupid" has a fair few holes in it. - So, if you are in an ILIASM shithole, and thinking about replicating *Toms* method of handling it, do you have the main pre-requisite in place ? An incredibly stupid spouse ? No ? Then best you see a lawyer in your jurisdiction and establish how a divorce would shake out for you, and have an exit strategy in your pocket in do-able shape for the scenario where everything goes pear shaped. Then, with that bit of insurance in your pocket, proceed with your choice.
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Post by JonDoe on Nov 8, 2016 20:11:40 GMT -5
Cheating is every bit as legitimate a choice as "staying" or "leaving". - And like those other choices, there will be logistical and emotional difficulties in putting the choice in to action. - And like those other choices, consequences (good and bad) will ensue. - And, like those other two choices, you need a plan to mitigate against the potential bad consequences of your choice. - Specifically in regard to the fabulous *Tom* cited in the article, his strategy is - "I'm very, very careful to make sure my wife never finds out". That is one rotten strategy. But if his missus is so incredibly stupid that she hasn't caught a clue in a couple of decades, fair enough. - A strategy of "hoping your spouse is incredibly stupid" has a fair few holes in it. - So, if you are in an ILIASM shithole, and thinking about replicating *Toms* method of handling it, do you have the main pre-requisite in place ? An incredibly stupid spouse ? No ? Then best you see a lawyer in your jurisdiction and establish how a divorce would shake out for you, and have an exit strategy in your pocket in do-able shape for the scenario where everything goes pear shaped. Then, with that bit of insurance in your pocket, proceed with your choice. The spouse may not be stupid. If he has to travel frequently for work, that gives him plenty of potential options. The potential added benefit is that the wife may actually miss him while he is gone.
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Post by itsmytime2be on Nov 8, 2016 22:14:25 GMT -5
Cheating is every bit as legitimate a choice as "staying" or "leaving". - And like those other choices, there will be logistical and emotional difficulties in putting the choice in to action. - And like those other choices, consequences (good and bad) will ensue. - And, like those other two choices, you need a plan to mitigate against the potential bad consequences of your choice. - Specifically in regard to the fabulous *Tom* cited in the article, his strategy is - "I'm very, very careful to make sure my wife never finds out". That is one rotten strategy. But if his missus is so incredibly stupid that she hasn't caught a clue in a couple of decades, fair enough. - A strategy of "hoping your spouse is incredibly stupid" has a fair few holes in it. - So, if you are in an ILIASM shithole, and thinking about replicating *Toms* method of handling it, do you have the main pre-requisite in place ? An incredibly stupid spouse ? No ? Then best you see a lawyer in your jurisdiction and establish how a divorce would shake out for you, and have an exit strategy in your pocket in do-able shape for the scenario where everything goes pear shaped. Then, with that bit of insurance in your pocket, proceed with your choice. The spouse may not be stupid. If he has to travel frequently for work, that gives him plenty of potential options. The potential added benefit is that the wife may actually miss him while he is gone. Or, maybe the wife enjoys him being gone. There is also the possibility that she has a man on the side, herself. We will never know the answer to that, so as said before, we each have to make our own choice. Hopefully, well informed.
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