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Post by baza on Nov 5, 2016 20:46:23 GMT -5
The processing gap in ILIASM shitholes.
Invariably it is the refused spouse who starts looking for the answers in ILIASM shitholes - solo - and they have usually put a year or two's work into why chasing etc - solo - before they ever google sexless marriage.
So right at the jump, the refused spouse is ahead in their thinking. The refused is still abed oblivious and hasn't even thought about getting up to the starting line.
By the time the refuser might have decided - "Fuck ! I had better start getting my shit together" the refused is barely a speck on the horizon ahead. There is already a HUGE gap between the two parties.
The chances of the refuser being able to accelerate their learning curve to "catch up" are slim indeed.
And, this pre-supposes that they
(a) - have some come to Jesus moment and think "Fuck ! I had better start getting my shit together"
(b) - want to catch up
(c) - have the capacity to catch up
None of these things are a given.
Meanwhile, out ahead, the refused is gathering more knowledge about their situation and starting to make some big break throughs in their thinking. Their learning curve is accelerating.
The gap is widening.
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Post by GeekGoddess on Nov 5, 2016 22:32:29 GMT -5
I know this was true in my deal. My ex's come to Jesus moment was when I read my "Declaration of Decision" letter to him informing him of my intention to leave. He spent about two days, then, under the impression he would want to change my mind but pretty well seeing he couldn't. And (c) was never a factor.
This ship sailed.
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Post by baza on Nov 5, 2016 23:01:18 GMT -5
Yes Sister gg.
The refusers usual move is to try and drag you back to where they are - NOT - to attempt to advance to where you are.
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And from a refused spouse perspective, having learned something, you can't unlearn it and hit reverse.
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endthegame
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Age Range: 46-50
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Post by endthegame on Nov 6, 2016 10:05:55 GMT -5
When she found the divorce papers in my bag it spurred her along, but only enough to climb a small tree next to her so she could see the speck on the horizon that was me.
I think she just climbed out of the tree and started ambling in a zig zag way towards me.
I was on a rocket fuelled sports car of enlightenment by that time. She was still mulling over the concept of "Oh, I think something's actually ammis here, now what do I do to drag him back to compliance land?"
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 6, 2016 10:27:46 GMT -5
When she found the divorce papers in my bag it spurred her along, but only enough to climb a small tree next to her so she could see the speck on the horizon that was me. I think she just climbed out of the tree and started ambling in a zig zag way towards me. I was on a rocket fuelled sports car of enlightenment by that time. She was still mulling over the concept of "Oh, I think something's actually ammis here, now what do I do to drag him back to compliance land?" Not what can I do better, but rather how can I drag him back. Every story I read where a busted dud spouse promised to do everything possible to save the marriage, they did nothing to save the marriage. Which is to be expected when someone makes a grandiose claim like that. They have no intention of doing everything possible to save the marriage. They're hoping their mock sincerity will suck you back in. Refusers are virtuoso bullshitters. Don't believe a word they say. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 6, 2016 20:03:04 GMT -5
Yes Sister gg. The refusers usual move is to try and drag you back to where they are - NOT - to attempt to advance to where you are. Thank you for that, baza. I needed to hear it. |
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Post by tamara68 on Nov 7, 2016 7:23:49 GMT -5
Yes Sister gg. The refusers usual move is to try and drag you back to where they are - NOT - to attempt to advance to where you are. - And from a refused spouse perspective, having learned something, you can't unlearn it and hit reverse. exactly what my stbx is doing and has been doing for a long time. |
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Post by iceman on Nov 7, 2016 8:56:29 GMT -5
Yes Sister gg. The refusers usual move is to try and drag you back to where they are - NOT - to attempt to advance to where you are. - And from a refused spouse perspective, having learned something, you can't unlearn it and hit reverse. So true. My wife's version of what needs to be fixed is that we need to work so I come around to her way of thinking. Not even a middle ground, just back to where she is and I'll be happy with that.  |
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Post by iceman on Nov 7, 2016 9:09:55 GMT -5
You nailed it. After years of me trying to come to terms with our situation, eating my guts out, sleepless nights, etc., and pleading with my wife to recognize the problem suddenly she seems to have had an epiphany that something really is wrong and we need to work on it. Of course, she's not really willing to make any effort that helps. She just tells me we need to work on it and that's pretty much it. Actually, she mostly blames me for our troubles. I'm supposed to make all the effort so she'll be able to muster the strength to start to make an effort to become an actual wife and not a roommate. Well, you know what sweetheart? It's too fucking late!!! If maybe you had seen the light 2 or 3 years ago we might have a chance but you didn't and I've moved on emotionally. You're just a speck in my rear view mirror. So sorry. See ya!
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Post by GeekGoddess on Nov 7, 2016 10:43:52 GMT -5
At some point, I adopted the mantra "too little, too late" & he was trying to accommodate me, even. At his best efforts it was still too little. And no one could change that it was already too late. For me, there was no going back. I'm so glad I just kept going.
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
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Post by iceman on Nov 7, 2016 10:59:07 GMT -5
At some point, I adopted the mantra "too little, too late" & he was trying to accommodate me, even. At his best efforts it was still too little. And no one could change that it was already too late. For me, there was no going back. I'm so glad I just kept going. Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Yeah, even at our best it wasn't close to what I wanted or needed. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 8, 2016 0:22:40 GMT -5
I've been fortunate that my wife has joined me. She did not promise anything but has shown by her actions that she is serious about our relationship. I don't care about words only deeds.
I was worried about the gap with my wife but she's been making steady improvement. She's a smart woman and understands what's at stake.
A part of her realized that she had poked the lion one to many times. When I make up my mind, I'll walk away and be done with people for life, especially if I've been kind to them. My wife realized that I was at that stage in our marriage. I love my wife but I hated how I felt and not getting laid was not going to cut it anymore.
I'm an emotional person but there is a very logical side to me. I'm not sure how reliable personality tests are but I always come up an INTJ . So I realized especially after coming on here that there was one choice. That was to confront my wife and be willing to leave. There were no other choices for me. I read the many stories of people stuck in the ILIASM shithole. Yeah, it's a shithole. Don't kid yourself. I noticed that the relationships do not get better without some kind of action. Usually they hinge on an ultimatum with a spouse and not a bluff.
I'm very thankful that I found this forum. It saved my marriage and me. And if the marriage does not last, then it saved me. I want to encourage others to join me and make a stand in your relationship. You don't have to live in SM. The choice is up to you not the refusing spouse. To be frank, you have to take a honest look at yourself because you're part of the problem. It was easy to criticize the wife but looking at myself was not easy.
I have a lot of work to do, which is something that I struggle with daily. I have to vigilant or I could slip back into the same bad behaviors.
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Post by GeekGoddess on Nov 12, 2016 8:55:56 GMT -5
And if the marriage doesn't last, it saved me.
YES - this!
Part of my story is getting out of my marriage. Part of my story is getting sober.
The bottom line of my story is, with the help from EP & here & therapy & tons of friends & family, I'm saving me.
The princess doesn't need a hero because she becomes her own hero. (Apologies on such gender specificity- it's equally applicable to all genders)
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