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Post by pinkjeanie70 on Apr 15, 2016 20:31:52 GMT -5
One of things I worry about the most is retraining from my post SM experience. I deal with a lot of issues regarding neglect, and I have been to individual counseling. It's hard not to have a knee-jerk reaction and be wary of any, "signs" of a sexless relationship. My self-esteem takes a toll at times. I'm adjusting to a new state (new culture, really) and a new job...as well as a new relationship. My lover and I are now able to date, and occasionally I feel out of sorts and I've been trying to give myself a break. My new man is very aware of my previous SM. We talk a lot. He is a former minister and advises his kids to be abstinent until marriage. I think he felt this was really incongruent with how we behaved, because we had a very active sex life. It was wonderful...we had a heavy discussion regarding being abstinent a few days before Easter. In theory, it makes a whole lot of sense. I get it. He wants us to be closer than ever by focusing on all aspects of intimacy (without sex), and enjoy each other again on our wedding night. I believe him, and I'm lonely. I'm thinking I need to return to individual counseling. He reassures me that he wants me, and it's difficult for him to be abstinent, too. I'm just having a hard time with it today. I think if I had a love note here or there, or if he made me dinner, brought me a cup of coffee, offer to help me unpack and organize, I'd feel more encouraged. I have been introduced to his kids as his girlfriend, and his parents know about me. It's just my history with an SM that is messing up my thinking about abstinence because I wanted a sex life for so long, had something great, and now I am asked to make a conscious decision to abstain.
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Post by DryCreek on Apr 15, 2016 20:44:40 GMT -5
I get where he's coming from, but at the same time he's making an unreasonable request of you. He realizes that this very issue was a major failing point of your marriage, and he's expecting you to go cold turkey again and trust that all will be good someday.
Perhaps on the plus side, this will force you to take a hard look at the rest of the relationship with an untainted perspective. As you have already noticed, the sex may be spackling over other important behaviors. Those behaviors may be tolerable only if the sex is intimate; maybe that's OK, maybe it's not.
Bluntly, it's stupidly insensitive for him to expect this of you under the circumstances. If he knew this would become a conflict for him (and he should have expected it), he should have been wiser about letting things start between you. It would make me question his judgement in general.
Just my two cents. We'll be here to support you!
DC
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Post by JMX on Apr 16, 2016 7:43:38 GMT -5
One of things I worry about the most is retraining from my post SM experience. I deal with a lot of issues regarding neglect, and I have been to individual counseling. It's hard not to have a knee-jerk reaction and be wary of any, "signs" of a sexless relationship. My self-esteem takes a toll at times. I'm adjusting to a new state (new culture, really) and a new job...as well as a new relationship. My lover and I are now able to date, and occasionally I feel out of sorts and I've been trying to give myself a break. My new man is very aware of my previous SM. We talk a lot. He is a former minister and advises his kids to be abstinent until marriage. I think he felt this was really incongruent with how we behaved, because we had a very active sex life. It was wonderful...we had a heavy discussion regarding being abstinent a few days before Easter. In theory, it makes a whole lot of sense. I get it. He wants us to be closer than ever by focusing on all aspects of intimacy (without sex), and enjoy each other again on our wedding night. I believe him, and I'm lonely. I'm thinking I need to return to individual counseling. He reassures me that he wants me, and it's difficult for him to be abstinent, too. I'm just having a hard time with it today. I think if I had a love note here or there, or if he made me dinner, brought me a cup of coffee, offer to help me unpack and organize, I'd feel more encouraged. I have been introduced to his kids as his girlfriend, and his parents know about me. It's just my history with an SM that is messing up my thinking about abstinence because I wanted a sex life for so long, had something great, and now I am asked to make a conscious decision to abstain. I am not sure if you made this clear? You all have been abstinent since a few days before Easter and are waiting for the wedding night? When is the wedding? How long must you remain this way? |
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Post by petrushka on Apr 16, 2016 9:02:32 GMT -5
Sorry to be saying this, Jeannie, but if that was me in your situation, I'd be running for the hills. It starts with his attitude towards his kids having sex before marriage. What, he advocates people entering into something as important as marriage blindly? Without a clue? To my thinking that is such a muddleheaded course to take, I can only roll my eyes and bang my head on the table here.
How many people in seriously sexually dysfunctional relationships did we meet on EP who had taken that course!?! Jumping head first into unknown waters is a great way to get your neck broken.
Then he goes and lays this abstinence thing on you ...
Look, at best, you are in a menage a trois -- that is, you, him, and whoever wrote that book he thinks he needs to order his life by. Personally I will never, ever, enter into a relationship with someone who is that serious about their religion because I know that ultimately I will always be number 3 in their lives, in their list of priorities after their God first, their opinion of how they should live their life as how they understand the canon, and then, maybe, me... Seen it happen too often. It works if/when/where both partners are into the religion in the same way, to the same degree - but if not, oh vey! (and it doesn't need to be a theist religion, it can be Maoism or Taoism or Greenpeace).
I predict that if you marry this guy just to get sex again after a long period of abstinence, they you're setting yourself up for a world of pain (again). This may be his first play at manipulating you.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 16, 2016 12:29:52 GMT -5
Petrushka said it better than I could.
It seems that you have gotten pretty deeply into a relationship with this man; and in that case, I'm not sure I'm the best person to give you any advice. Because for me, having an "abstinence until marriage" mindset would be a dealbreaker.
If I was already involved with a man, and later on he started up with this abstinence stuff - I'd feel betrayed. I would want to ask him a lot of questions. Why would he be sexy with me in the beginning, but then later, want to be abstinent at certain times, try to teach kids anti-sex attitudes, etc?
I would lose trust for the man. If he started out sexy and then started backing off...that could be the end of it, for me.
That's pretty much what happened to many of us who left a SM.
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Post by bballgirl on Apr 16, 2016 12:58:29 GMT -5
I do not think that is fair of him to make you wait.
Honestly if a man didn't want to have sex
with me until marriage then I couldn't marry
him. To me we would just be friends.
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Post by Isabellas39 on Apr 16, 2016 19:39:29 GMT -5
I agree that this would be a dealbreaker for me.. I don't understand why he would even think it's fair to ask this of you..
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Post by unmatched on Apr 17, 2016 8:49:34 GMT -5
One of things I worry about the most is retraining from my post SM experience. I deal with a lot of issues regarding neglect, and I have been to individual counseling. It's hard not to have a knee-jerk reaction and be wary of any, "signs" of a sexless relationship. My self-esteem takes a toll at times. I'm adjusting to a new state (new culture, really) and a new job...as well as a new relationship. My lover and I are now able to date, and occasionally I feel out of sorts and I've been trying to give myself a break. My new man is very aware of my previous SM. We talk a lot. He is a former minister and advises his kids to be abstinent until marriage. I think he felt this was really incongruent with how we behaved, because we had a very active sex life. It was wonderful...we had a heavy discussion regarding being abstinent a few days before Easter. In theory, it makes a whole lot of sense. I get it. He wants us to be closer than ever by focusing on all aspects of intimacy (without sex), and enjoy each other again on our wedding night. I believe him, and I'm lonely. I'm thinking I need to return to individual counseling. He reassures me that he wants me, and it's difficult for him to be abstinent, too. I'm just having a hard time with it today. I think if I had a love note here or there, or if he made me dinner, brought me a cup of coffee, offer to help me unpack and organize, I'd feel more encouraged. I have been introduced to his kids as his girlfriend, and his parents know about me. It's just my history with an SM that is messing up my thinking about abstinence because I wanted a sex life for so long, had something great, and now I am asked to make a conscious decision to abstain. For me it is a big red flag and from a personal viewpoint I totally endorse what Petrushka said above. But aside from the abstinence you said a couple of other things that worried me. You said, 'he wants us to be closer than ever by focusing on all aspects of intimacy (without sex)' and then shortly afterwards 'I think if I had a love note here or there, or if he made me dinner, brought me a cup of coffee, offer to help me unpack and organize, I'd feel more encouraged'. So what exactly are all these aspects of intimacy he wants to focus on, because they are clearly not making you feel very loved or very intimate. There is a gap there somewhere, and it is not just the sex. It might not be that your SM history is messing up your thinking, it might be that you have actually learned something from your SM history and something is really not right here. |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 18, 2016 17:40:16 GMT -5
Sorry, but I have to call bullshit. I understand that he teaches abstinence before marriage, but insisting on it after he has been fucking you is ridiculous. I think you should tell him that he needs to start sex again, or you can find someone else. I fell for the abstinence until marriage thing once and I am not falling for it again.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 18, 2016 18:06:31 GMT -5
One of things I worry about the most is retraining from my post SM experience. I deal with a lot of issues regarding neglect, and I have been to individual counseling. It's hard not to have a knee-jerk reaction and be wary of any, "signs" of a sexless relationship. My self-esteem takes a toll at times. I'm adjusting to a new state (new culture, really) and a new job...as well as a new relationship. My lover and I are now able to date, and occasionally I feel out of sorts and I've been trying to give myself a break. My new man is very aware of my previous SM. We talk a lot. He is a former minister and advises his kids to be abstinent until marriage. I think he felt this was really incongruent with how we behaved, because we had a very active sex life. It was wonderful...we had a heavy discussion regarding being abstinent a few days before Easter. In theory, it makes a whole lot of sense. I get it. He wants us to be closer than ever by focusing on all aspects of intimacy (without sex), and enjoy each other again on our wedding night. I believe him, and I'm lonely. I'm thinking I need to return to individual counseling. He reassures me that he wants me, and it's difficult for him to be abstinent, too. I'm just having a hard time with it today. I think if I had a love note here or there, or if he made me dinner, brought me a cup of coffee, offer to help me unpack and organize, I'd feel more encouraged. I have been introduced to his kids as his girlfriend, and his parents know about me. It's just my history with an SM that is messing up my thinking about abstinence because I wanted a sex life for so long, had something great, and now I am asked to make a conscious decision to abstain. Hi PJ, Sorry to see you here. Consistency sucks -- BAD. |
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Post by LITW on Apr 20, 2016 13:24:32 GMT -5
I think if I had a love note here or there, or if he made me dinner, brought me a cup of coffee, offer to help me unpack and organize, I'd feel more encouraged. This .... this would be the deal breaker for me. Its one thing to ask for abstinence in the bedroom but to serve you in all other ways, and another to just ask you to go without any sort of acts of service period. If he won't bring you coffee, or make dinner for you, or even help you unpack, then its obvious to me that he does NOT want "us to be closer than ever by focusing on all aspects of intimacy (without sex)" ... he just wants to feel better about his own moral standing. I call bullshit too. If I were him, I would be over at your place every day trying to help you acclimate to your new surroundings, especially if you moved to a new state so you could be with him. (which I am assuming is the case) |
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Post by deleted on Apr 24, 2016 13:04:52 GMT -5
Isn't this how a sexless relationship begins? There is always a "reason".
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Post by SweepyBear on Apr 27, 2016 13:46:14 GMT -5
He seems comfortable being a hypocrite in advocating abstinence and then having sexual relations with you as well . Maybe a twang of conscience got to him and thats why he suggested abstinence in your current relationship. After all you have been through he comes across as not the sort of man you need to be associating with tbh.
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Post by samedeepwater on Apr 28, 2016 7:34:21 GMT -5
Oh boy. I could write pages here. And I will warn you right up front. This is not advice. This will end up being a rambling series of thoughts and you may take anything or nothing from it as you see fit.
For those that followed me at all on EP, they may have noticed the two factors that caused the dysfunction in my life were sexlessness and religion. Neither were of my choosing, but with work I'm starting to overcome them. I can see his point, because of the way I was raised. No sex before marriage. But I can't escape the irony that he has already violated several of the commandments, and he was probably weighing the guilt all the time he was (previously) sleeping with you. Easter is one of the two "guilt" days for lapsing Christians, so maybe the abstinence scales tipped in his favor.
Has marriage been discussed? I can't presume to know his level of dedication to his faith, but that may be a factor you will want to weigh in whatever relationship you choose to have with him. As I have gone along my personal journey, I have come to accept love for it's own sake. It's not something to be sanctioned by the church, and God knows (irony) it's not something to be sanctioned by the state. Love is it's own perfection. He would sleep with you a week ago, but suddenly it's not right? The old me was raised that way. The new healthy me can't accept that. Love is love. Love isn't put on hold because God wants you to stand before him on some random building on some some random street.
I remember reading your posts on EP and you seemed really happy with new guy. I'm so sorry God has come between you. But it's still the inconsistency in his own life I wonder about. I would proceed with caution.
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Post by itsjustus on May 3, 2016 22:53:19 GMT -5
One of things I worry about the most is retraining from my post SM experience. I deal with a lot of issues regarding neglect, and I have been to individual counseling. It's hard not to have a knee-jerk reaction and be wary of any, "signs" of a sexless relationship. My self-esteem takes a toll at times. I'm adjusting to a new state (new culture, really) and a new job...as well as a new relationship. My lover and I are now able to date, and occasionally I feel out of sorts and I've been trying to give myself a break. My new man is very aware of my previous SM. We talk a lot. He is a former minister and advises his kids to be abstinent until marriage. I think he felt this was really incongruent with how we behaved, because we had a very active sex life. It was wonderful...we had a heavy discussion regarding being abstinent a few days before Easter. In theory, it makes a whole lot of sense. I get it. He wants us to be closer than ever by focusing on all aspects of intimacy (without sex), and enjoy each other again on our wedding night. I believe him, and I'm lonely. I'm thinking I need to return to individual counseling. He reassures me that he wants me, and it's difficult for him to be abstinent, too. I'm just having a hard time with it today. I think if I had a love note here or there, or if he made me dinner, brought me a cup of coffee, offer to help me unpack and organize, I'd feel more encouraged. I have been introduced to his kids as his girlfriend, and his parents know about me. It's just my history with an SM that is messing up my thinking about abstinence because I wanted a sex life for so long, had something great, and now I am asked to make a conscious decision to abstain. It seems Pinkjeaine70 hasn't been on here since poising this, so I don't know her further thoughts, but my first reaction is...after being in a SM, my next relationship will be with someone that I can write this post up.....and hand it to them. Better yet, tell them, starting with "I'm lonely". Then "I'm just having a hard time with it today. I think if I had a love note here or there, or if (you) made me dinner, brought me a cup of coffee, offer to help me unpack and organize, I'd feel more encouraged..." Then most definitely "It's just my history with an SM that is messing up my thinking about abstinence because I wanted a sex life for so long, had something great, and now I am asked to make a conscious decision to abstain" Personally, I'd add "Given my history, that you know so well, I think you're asking too much of me. I need intimacy from you to help me heal. I want to heal for us, for our upcoming marriage. Can we discuss this further?" I think Pinkjeaine70 said everything perfectly...just to the wrong people. |
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