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Post by saxappeal on May 12, 2016 10:06:45 GMT -5
One of things I worry about the most is retraining from my post SM experience. I deal with a lot of issues regarding neglect, and I have been to individual counseling. It's hard not to have a knee-jerk reaction and be wary of any, "signs" of a sexless relationship. My self-esteem takes a toll at times. I'm adjusting to a new state (new culture, really) and a new job...as well as a new relationship. My lover and I are now able to date, and occasionally I feel out of sorts and I've been trying to give myself a break. My new man is very aware of my previous SM. We talk a lot. He is a former minister and advises his kids to be abstinent until marriage. I think he felt this was really incongruent with how we behaved, because we had a very active sex life. It was wonderful...we had a heavy discussion regarding being abstinent a few days before Easter. In theory, it makes a whole lot of sense. I get it. He wants us to be closer than ever by focusing on all aspects of intimacy (without sex), and enjoy each other again on our wedding night. I believe him, and I'm lonely. I'm thinking I need to return to individual counseling. He reassures me that he wants me, and it's difficult for him to be abstinent, too. I'm just having a hard time with it today. I think if I had a love note here or there, or if he made me dinner, brought me a cup of coffee, offer to help me unpack and organize, I'd feel more encouraged. I have been introduced to his kids as his girlfriend, and his parents know about me. It's just my history with an SM that is messing up my thinking about abstinence because I wanted a sex life for so long, had something great, and now I am asked to make a conscious decision to abstain. I fully understand... My advise is to be honest with new partner, take it slow and do not beat yourself up!!! I been there done that and still getting used to a sexual relationship |
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Post by baza on May 12, 2016 20:44:26 GMT -5
The core issue here is that he is capable of turning off the tap when it suits him.
That then, is the risk you run in days yet to come.
That he will, when it suits him, and for his own reason(s), turn off the tap again.
Now "IF" you were on board with this "abstain until the wedding night" policy of his, I wouldn't be seeing any problem with that. But it reads like you are far from being in agreement with his policy, and to an outsider looking in, the red flags are a fluttering.
It is disturbing to note, that other expressions that might indicate he cares (like a "love note here or there, or if he made me dinner, brought me a cup of coffee, offer to help me unpack and organize") are also absent from the picture, as well as sexual engagement.
I think your unease about the situation is well warranted
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Post by nyartgal on May 23, 2016 19:13:11 GMT -5
I hope you didn't marry this guy. Virtually every---actually, EVERY aspect of your description sounds like a huge red flag. His girlfriend? You're his fiancee. His parents "know about you??" Don't you want to meet them first? What is the rush to marry this guy? I would seriously put that on the shelf and wait until you feel totally confident about this union before you take even another baby step closer to it. I'm detecting extreme warning signs here. EXTREME.
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Post by lwoetin on May 26, 2016 0:30:16 GMT -5
He reassures me that he wants me, and it's difficult for him to be abstinent, too. I'm just having a hard time with it today. I think if I had a love note here or there, or if he made me dinner, brought me a cup of coffee, offer to help me unpack and organize, I'd feel more encouraged. I have been introduced to his kids as his girlfriend, and his parents know about me. It's just my history with an SM that is messing up my thinking about abstinence because I wanted a sex life for so long, had something great, and now I am asked to make a conscious decision to abstain. A data point if it helps any. When I first met my wife in college we were having an excessive amount of sex for the first year in the dorm (apparently more than I could handle). Then we moved to an apartment. And I felt guilt (I guess) and asked that we abstain until marriage which happened about 2.5 years later. She was confused at the whole thing (Buddhist background and not too religious). Nowadays, I tell her how we should be like we were when we first met and she tells me that I made her feel like sex was dirty. And I had my chance then. Tables have turned now, hence ILIASM. If I have to marry again, the older me would (fist twisting motion) her brains out before and after getting married...then go to confession...in that order. |
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Post by worksforme2 on May 26, 2016 13:23:53 GMT -5
I hope you didn't marry this guy. Virtually every---actually, EVERY aspect of your description sounds like a huge red flag. His girlfriend? You're his fiancee. His parents "know about you??" Don't you want to meet them first? What is the rush to marry this guy? I would seriously put that on the shelf and wait until you feel totally confident about this union before you take even another baby step closer to it. I'm detecting extreme warning signs here. EXTREME. DITTO.....the image that popped into my mind was the old Lost in Space series. Remember the robot that suddenly shouted Danger,,Danger with his arms flailing about. This would definitely be a deal breaker for me. |
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Post by Deleted on May 31, 2016 16:34:48 GMT -5
He reassures me that he wants me, and it's difficult for him to be abstinent, too. I'm just having a hard time with it today. I think if I had a love note here or there, or if he made me dinner, brought me a cup of coffee, offer to help me unpack and organize, I'd feel more encouraged. I have been introduced to his kids as his girlfriend, and his parents know about me. It's just my history with an SM that is messing up my thinking about abstinence because I wanted a sex life for so long, had something great, and now I am asked to make a conscious decision to abstain. A data point if it helps any. When I first met my wife in college we were having an excessive amount of sex for the first year in the dorm (apparently more than I could handle). Then we moved to an apartment. And I felt guilt (I guess) and asked that we abstain until marriage which happened about 2.5 years later. She was confused at the whole thing (Buddhist background and not too religious). Nowadays, I tell her how we should be like we were when we first met and she tells me that I made her feel like sex was dirty. And I had my chance then. Tables have turned now, hence ILIASM. If I have to marry again, the older me would (fist twisting motion) her brains out before and after getting married...then go to confession...in that order. Oh, so you "made" her feel that sex was dirty? She is full of shit. IF someone likes sex, they want it. She just doesn't like it and doesn't care that you do. |
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Post by pinkjeanie70 on Aug 8, 2016 2:04:48 GMT -5
Hi all! Thank you so much for your feedback. Our abstinence didn't last b/c my BF (we're not engaged) recognized what a mind f*@k not having sex was on me. I need that depth of closeness and intimacy in our relationship. He really did think it was something he was imposing on me...and yes, he felt bad about it, based on what I described to him about living in a SM for years. I do have to be much better about communicating my intimacy needs (such as love notes). I think I'm still retraining...and I know part of my work personality is I think I'm capable of doing everything by myself. It is such a retraining process, though. XOXO
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Post by petrushka on Aug 11, 2016 18:05:04 GMT -5
Hi all! Thank you so much for your feedback. Our abstinence didn't last b/c my BF (we're not engaged) recognized what a mind f*@k not having sex was on me. I need that depth of closeness and intimacy in our relationship. He really did think it was something he was imposing on me...and yes, he felt bad about it, based on what I described to him about living in a SM for years. I do have to be much better about communicating my intimacy needs (such as love notes). I think I'm still retraining...and I know part of my work personality is I think I'm capable of doing everything by myself. It is such a retraining process, though. XOXO Really glad to hear that it's turned out all right for you. |
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Post by baza on Aug 11, 2016 20:33:45 GMT -5
Your April story sure looked to be exhibiting characteristics pointing to big trouble.
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Great to see it hasn't turned out that way.
***addendum Aug 17***
Oops !!
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Post by Rhapsodee on Aug 16, 2016 17:16:23 GMT -5
" I think if I had a love note here or there, or if he made me dinner, brought me a cup of coffee, offer to help me unpack and organize, I'd feel more encouraged. I have been introduced to his kids as his girlfriend, and his parents know about me. It's just my history with an SM that is messing up my thinking about abstinence because I wanted a sex life for so long, had something great, and now I am asked to make a conscious decision to abstain."
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
RED FLAG WARNING!
He does none of these things?!?!?!?
Run sweetie.
He's an ass and he's messing with your head! You wouldn't have written this if it didn't concern you and you weren't having doubts about this self centered man.
I'm so sorry.
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Post by DryCreek on Aug 16, 2016 17:56:43 GMT -5
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