Another individual therapy "aha!"

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Dan
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Another individual therapy "aha!" Nov 4, 2016 14:22:55 GMT -5 JMX, bballgirl, and 4 more like this

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Post by Dan on Nov 4, 2016 14:22:55 GMT -5

Nov 2, 2016 23:32:31 GMT -5 JMX said:

Some days I don't even know why I still post here.

You post here because we are your tribe. You are stronger for having us, and we are stronger for having you.

I need someone to tell me I am beautiful, inside and out. I need for him to love me at my worst and love me at my best... I NEED someone else to tell me that I am enough - despite my bad and because of my good.

My AP from 10 years ago -- who I loved dearly -- said: "You know that Sheryl Crow song 'Strong Enough'? Are you strong enough to be my man?" To which I answered: "Yes". Sounds like you are seeking the same.

You mention:

One day, I will walk into an event in a red dress with a slit up the side and I will have a charming night. All I talk to will be enthralled by me. I will be swarmed, I will laugh and joke and be very interesting.

If you are talking about about already being with someone when this happens... I truly wish that for you.

However, if you are talking about MEETING someone at the ball while you are all resplendent... well, that is a lovely thought. But be aware, it might happen like this: You throw on a not-too-wrinkled top rushing on your way to back to school night. In one of your kids' classrooms, you bump in to a man who you met years ago at a kids sports thing. You like his smile, he smiles at you too. You get just a bit shy... but when you are leaving the classroom, he asks if you want to go out for coffee sometime, and your heart skips a beat. You are giddy as you think about your "date"... and you figure you should pick out a top WITHOUT the mustard stain when you see him...

Frankly, that is just as hot and sexy as your ballroom scene!

As for this:

I am in a strange position... red dress with a slit up the side... But I will go home with my man. one that will fuck me good

On behalf of all red-blooded males here, please refrain from mentioning "red dress with slit" and "being fucked silly by your man". It is too hard to bear... especially when you put the idea of being in a "strange position" on top of that!

Caris
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Another individual therapy "aha!" Nov 4, 2016 15:34:51 GMT -5 via mobile JMX and eternaloptimism like this

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Post by Caris on Nov 4, 2016 15:34:51 GMT -5

Nov 3, 2016 20:31:01 GMT -5 unmatched said:

Nov 2, 2016 23:32:31 GMT -5 JMX said:

But! There's still an underlying issue. My answer to my ind. therapist today was - I have been working on my personality for so long now - about two decades - I am as cool as I am going to fucking get. There are no more levels to breach here.

The rest is my vanity.

I need someone to tell me I am beautiful, inside and out. I need for him to love me at my worst and love me at my best. If he does? He needs to stop doing it quietly. I rose to an expectation. I never get recognition for anything. Not the good. No scolding for the bad. I get nothing.

I NEED someone else to tell me that I am enough - despite my bad and because of my good.

You know what - this is NOT vanity. You are pretty fucking cool, you know that. But nobody lives in a vacuum. I think there is a strong temptation when we are in counselling (and for counsellors) to see everything as a weakness in our psyche. That when we have finally finished working on ourselves we won't need validation from anybody else, we won't need other people to prop up our neuroses, we won't need to constantly reaffirm how smart/sexy/desirable/worthy we are because we will know it on some deep level within ourselves. And I think there is some truth in that. BUT... the older I get the more convinced I am that there is so much more to our makeup than what we think. Before we ever started thinking we were emotional creatures, so the idea that all our 'negative' emotions come from our thoughts and beliefs just doesn't make sense. The emotions were there FIRST - look at almost every other mammal on the planet. (Disclaimer: that is not to say that having a warped view of the world doesn't also create a whole bunch of unnecessary suffering, both mental and emotional.) We are designed to feel things, we are designed as social animals and we are designed to bond with other people, and to keep reinforcing those bonds through doing stuff together, through affirmation, through touch and through sex. If you try and convince yourself that all those things shouldn't be important to you, you are living way too much in your head and you are resigning yourself to a life of never quite feeling like you are good enough.

You have too much going for you to want to do that.

Very well said. I've been saying this for years to those who think it's only thoughts that create emotions. It's only half the story. Babies have, and feel emotions, before they even can think. They cry at loud noises from being startled. That's fear. They are soothed by being picked up and comforted, that's emotion. Around 8-months of age they start to fear strangers. It's just a stage of development that passes. Babies smile when happy and cry when upset. All the emotions are wired into us, and as you say, mammals have emotions too.

Emotion WERE there FIRST, thoughts came later.

Caris
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Another individual therapy "aha!" Nov 4, 2016 15:45:21 GMT -5 via mobile JMX, bballgirl, and 3 more like this

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Post by Caris on Nov 4, 2016 15:45:21 GMT -5

Nov 2, 2016 23:32:31 GMT -5 JMX said:

Some days I don't even know why I still post here. I guess I just need to get it out.

I am in a strange position. I DO love my husband. I am not particularly fussed about how we turn out anymore. I do not believe in soul mates, so it's not so deep in that I don't think I could love another. My love for him is sometimes more of a brotherly love, not really a lover love and, that is his fault.

At this point I have a visualization of my life with him and without him. My vision without him is pretty spectacular but... Bumpy and messy. My vision with him is pretty stable for the kids and my overall knowledge of history and how that will play out (basically, it IS WHAT IT IS). I am fine with either way that turns out. I can get sex on the side.

But! There's still an underlying issue. My answer to my ind. therapist today was - I have been working on my personality for so long now - about two decades - I am as cool as I am going to fucking get. There are no more levels to breach here.

The rest is my vanity.

I need someone to tell me I am beautiful, inside and out. I need for him to love me at my worst and love me at my best. If he does? He needs to stop doing it quietly. I rose to an expectation. I never get recognition for anything. Not the good. No scolding for the bad. I get nothing.

I NEED someone else to tell me that I am enough - despite my bad and because of my good.

My therapist had commented that I was extremely negative since couples counseling. She noted that I was strong, capable and full of positivity even when sad before. I was taking care of myself.

She said a lot of my self-care has stopped with "working on us". She is not wrong. She also said couples counseling will not work until both want to work on themselves. I don't understand - I am lovely

When he can not articulate what I need to work on for him, what can I work on? My guess is on me. But it never matters to me in my current situation.

A dream of vanity:

One day, I will walk into an event in a red dress with a slit up the side and I will have a charming night. All I talk to will be enthralled by me. I will be swarmed, I will laugh and joke and be very interesting. But I will go home with my man. one that will fuck me good, so even though I will enjoy the attention, I will go home with HIM.

He used to be that man. I am not sure he can be that man again. I would like to be that woman again, but this is easier (my issue).

A lot to figure out. (Still) that I already thought I figured out. That I did not.

I agree, you are cool enough. What is therapy anyway? It's just to know yourself better, and when you understand yourself better, you can make more informed decisions about behavior and responses.

There comes a time, JMX, when we have to accept ourselves with our (what we think) better qualities and our flaws. That makes us a fully rounded person. We all want to be desired (well most of us), recognized, acknowledged, and wanted. It's not vanity. It's natural in humans and animals. We just want some positive attention from those who are supposed to care. It's part of being human.

cagedadventurer
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Another individual therapy "aha!" Nov 8, 2016 12:04:54 GMT -5

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Post by cagedadventurer on Nov 8, 2016 12:04:54 GMT -5

JMX, I do appreciate your way with words. Maybe because you are honest and they're from the heart. Your therapist does not quite get it, you're not negative. It's an apathy we develop realizing that it's a "lost cause" however your quote " At this point I have a visualization of my life with him and without him. My vision without him is pretty spectacular but... Bumpy and messy. My vision with him is pretty stable for the kids and my overall knowledge of history and how that will play out (basically, it IS WHAT IT IS). I am fine with either way that turns out." Most on the outside will interpret this as negative. I am "usually quite positive- and I love life" but I do learn to be realistic and call a spade a spade.

And yes - no other levels to breach!! We have been trying for 2+ decades to be understanding and gracious but to the same end and we almost forget who we are or who we feel we were/are supposed to be because of our continual "changing of our personalities to please and be pleasing".
Yea, the ultimatum gets us some sex but that becomes perpetually less inviting and hardly worth all the aggravation to get there. I never liked the saying "IT IS WHAT IT IS" but I have grown to see it helps us push on. I compare it to being born with a disability, there would be things I would not be able to do and I would have to learn to accept that because IT IS WHAT IT IS.
Our SM or LS (Lackluster Sex) situations, unfortunately, are something that we can change but to what end is often the issue.
I'm rambling, so I'll quit here but know that your therapist has concluded incorrectly - you are NOT negative.

LITW
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Another individual therapy "aha!" Nov 8, 2016 16:01:28 GMT -5 greatcoastal, bballgirl, and 2 more like this

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Post by LITW on Nov 8, 2016 16:01:28 GMT -5

I am going to chime in here and agree that wanting to be valued is not vanity.

There also seem to be quite a few of us here in the same strange position that you are. My wife is a good person and a good friend, and for that reason I don't want to abandon her, and yet I haven't felt desired by her for a very long time. Feeling desired is what I crave the most actually.

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