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Post by baza on Nov 1, 2016 18:53:03 GMT -5
"I’m 27 years old and I’ve been with my boyfriend for 10 months. We were friends before and I haven’t felt this comfortable or happy with anyone. We laugh all the time and I trust his opinion and extreme kindness. But there has never been a sexual connection. At the beginning I didn’t mind having sex with him, but now it’s almost a chore and I sometimes dread it. He is extremely patient but of late he’s expresses how hurtful it is to have me reject him or not be fully into it. I’ve enjoyed a healthy sex life with other boyfriends, but I value this relationship more than any other. Should I continue and hope it gets better? Lust dwindles in most long-term relationships so should I just be happy with what I have? I worry that throwing away what we have for the sake of a rampant sex life is stupid." - so goes the quote from the article.
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This could do with paring back to the facts, in which case it would read -
"I’ve been with my boyfriend for 10 months. But there has never been a sexual connection. At the beginning I didn’t mind having sex with him, but now it’s almost a chore and I sometimes dread it. Should I continue and hope it gets better?
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And the response I'd suggest would go like this....
If you have any compassion toward your boyfriend, then end this.
If you haven't, then continue.
The choice here will ultimately rest with your boyfriend.
If he has any brains at all, he will make the necessary call if you won't.
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Keep in mind tho' that blokes are notoriously reticent to pull the plug on relationships, so the risk is this floating on into marriage, kids, conjoined finances, intermingled family dynamics et al - which will make unravelling the deal that much harder than it would be today whilst it is relatively uncomplicated.
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Post by Lithium92 on Nov 22, 2016 7:24:52 GMT -5
She's a TV/radio presenter/journalist, no kind of counsellor or therapist. The Guardian frequently has 'no sex' agony aunt letters, and generally the reply is scented candles and communication, followed by hundreds of comments about how it must be the letter writer's fault, sex isn't important, more romance is needed, then a couple of people saying 'have an affair' getting jumped on and condemned, and about three people saying 'sounds like my marriage'.
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Post by iceman on Dec 7, 2016 14:35:20 GMT -5
Sounds like my wife. Before me she apparently was pretty active sexually. I wouldn't go as far as calling her promiscuous but she was pretty active. With me it started out hot. We jumped in the sack on the first date. But the more serious our relationship became the less sexual it became. And I went blindly along with it. Such a fool. I've told her how hurt I am that she was so sexually active with guys that meant very little to her but with me, supposedly the love of her life, she rejects me constantly. Of course she has no real reply to that. I should have seen what was coming and got out before we intertwined our lives together. Such a fool I was ...
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Post by beachguy on Dec 7, 2016 14:43:26 GMT -5
iceman, I was the same fool. I don't know my STBX's prior history, except she was divorced. But the rest tracks perfectly right back to the first date. Total mind fuck that sets up The Grand Bait N Switch...
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Post by greatcoastal on Dec 7, 2016 14:51:12 GMT -5
Sounds like my wife. Before me she apparently was pretty active sexually. I wouldn't go as far as calling her promiscuous but she was pretty active. With me it started out hot. We jumped in the sack on the first date. But the more serious our relationship became the less sexual it became. And I went blindly along with it. Such a fool. I've told her how hurt I am that she was so sexually active with guys that meant very little to her but with me, supposedly the love of her life, she rejects me constantly. Of course she has no real reply to that. I should have seen what was coming and got out before we intertwined our lives together. Such a fool I was ... I've got to ask, "Why do we " the refused " so easily accept that the refuser has no reply, and just walk away. Are we left bewildered, not understanding, is it just a feeling of more rejection, is it a certain amount of respect, because this is our spouse, (we wouldn't let someone else treat us that way, again, and again)  " |
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Post by beachguy on Dec 7, 2016 15:09:20 GMT -5
Sounds like my wife. Before me she apparently was pretty active sexually. I wouldn't go as far as calling her promiscuous but she was pretty active. With me it started out hot. We jumped in the sack on the first date. But the more serious our relationship became the less sexual it became. And I went blindly along with it. Such a fool. I've told her how hurt I am that she was so sexually active with guys that meant very little to her but with me, supposedly the love of her life, she rejects me constantly. Of course she has no real reply to that. I should have seen what was coming and got out before we intertwined our lives together. Such a fool I was ... I've got to ask, "Why do we " the refused " so easily accept that the refuser has no reply, and just walk away. Are we left bewildered, not understanding, is it just a feeling of more rejection, is it a certain amount of respect, because this is our spouse, (we wouldn't let someone else treat us that way, again, and again) " It's because the FOG kept us from walking out the door. And also, I believe, that in the early stages we did not understand how bad things inevitably get. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Dec 7, 2016 15:22:31 GMT -5
I've got to ask, "Why do we " the refused " so easily accept that the refuser has no reply, and just walk away. Are we left bewildered, not understanding, is it just a feeling of more rejection, is it a certain amount of respect, because this is our spouse, (we wouldn't let someone else treat us that way, again, and again) " It's because the FOG kept us from walking out the door. And also, I believe, that in the early stages we did not understand how bad things inevitably get. I can sure agree with that! Even in the late stages, we don't realize how unjustly we are being treated. They trained us well. |
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Post by baza on Dec 7, 2016 21:13:10 GMT -5
Yep.
The avoidant spouse does train us.
And then we carry the mistreatment of ourselves on all by ourselves (with the odd remedial lesson from the avoidant spouse).
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Post by JMX on Dec 7, 2016 22:59:04 GMT -5
Yep. The avoidant spouse does train us. And then we carry the mistreatment of ourselves on all by ourselves (with the odd remedial lesson from the avoidant spouse). In my counseling session this week - counselor draws a diagram of power structure: a zero at top left a line in the middle and a zero bottom right. Then he talks about power dynamic and how it "always changes". I simply said - "it never changes - he is always top left because he always holds those keys, there is no breaking that for me". He was shocked. Ha! |
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