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Post by greatcoastal on Oct 27, 2016 12:19:24 GMT -5
Do little things mean a lot? Do you have episodes that you have been ignoring, sweeping under the rug,chalking up as "we are just different", for days, weeks, months, years?
How many of these little things are actually red flags for much bigger things? Control issues, dominance, avoidance, insecurities, dependencies, idolization, selfishness, lazyness, lack of responsibilities, no communication.
Are you made to feel like the bad guy by bringing up these small issues? How does that work for you? Is that trying to "change" someone, or is it standing up for yourself by having boundaries?
Personnally I have few answers to these questions, but I seem to live with a daily wealth of examples! Any one want to share a few? How you deal with it? Find out if others believe it is always going to be a loosing battle so why try?
1) A little thing. Now that the divorce process has begun my STBX has moved to the enclosed porch as her office and room. A room made up of multiple sliding glass doors with screens and two sets of french doors. The french doors are the only ones with a curtain. They lead to the master bedroom. My hiding cave, it also has the master bath. The doors and curtains get closed every night, morning and several times during the day. My STBX uses the bathroom, or goes to her closet about 3 or 4 times a day. The door and curtains get left wide open every time. A little thing?, Right?
What ever happened to respect for others privacy, returning things the way you found them, cleaning up after yourself, setting an example for children?. The same children you are going to scold for leaving things out? (no ones perfect) Get the double standards, the hypocracy, the red flags that become major issues into ending a marriage?
Try confronting that person after seeing there attitude of "that's your problem." Denial, avoidance and reversal.
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Post by baza on Oct 27, 2016 21:04:20 GMT -5
I'm far from sure that I actually "get" this post Brother GC, but I am going with "the little things" theme.
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The "little things" by their presence (or absence) in a relationship are a real good indicator of what's going on in a broader sense.
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Post by DryCreek on Oct 28, 2016 1:54:54 GMT -5
@smartkat has a great way of putting it, but essentially when intimacy is good, it spackles over a whole lot of imperfections in both parties. When it's missing, all those little behaviors are like salt in a wound.
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Post by greatcoastal on Oct 28, 2016 6:43:43 GMT -5
@smartkat has a great way of putting it, but essentially when intimacy is good, it spackles over a whole lot of imperfections in both parties. When it's missing, all those little behaviors are like salt in a wound. Yes, that is more like what I am referring to. People have also mentioned, " dying from a thousand small cuts". What are some of those "small cuts?". I also hear imperfections in both parties? I have to question that as well. Personally I try to dig deeper than before and find my own imperfections, by discussing it with others, looking at my own actions, or lack there of, but I continually defend my actions by remembering harmful ,controlling, take over , episodes that leave me powerless, but free me from the responsibility of the negatives that come along with decisions that I had no say in. Basically living with the actions of a selfish controller. Identifying those smaller actions. |
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Post by bballgirl on Oct 28, 2016 7:48:30 GMT -5
Just reinforcement that you should be happy to not have to put up with her shit much longer. I know it's annoying but at least you are in countdown mode. Maybe start leaving the seat up on the toilet and if she says something tell her -"that's your problem".
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Post by DryCreek on Oct 28, 2016 13:11:04 GMT -5
Yes, that is more like what I am referring to. People have also mentioned, " dying from a thousand small cuts". What are some of those "small cuts?". I also hear imperfections in both parties? I have to question that as well. Personally I try to dig deeper than before and find my own imperfections [...] GC, those annoyances could be anything... Pulling the car too far into the garage and blocking the walkway, neglecting to turn on an exhaust fan when cooking something smelly, leaving a trivial task undone. There are all sorts of things that you're willing to cope with or ignore when the relationship is on great terms. I lump myself in with all of the imperfect people who have flaws. On the whole I may be the "world's greatest something", but that's an amalgam of good and bad traits. And some of those good traits only exist on the backs of the bad traits. So it's not with malice that I left a dirty dish on the counter, but in the course of cleaning up one of the other 10 things on my mind distracted me from putting it into the dishwasher. The state of the relationship greatly influences how actions are interpreted and whether they're annoying or not. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Oct 28, 2016 13:53:06 GMT -5
Yes, that is more like what I am referring to. People have also mentioned, " dying from a thousand small cuts". What are some of those "small cuts?". I also hear imperfections in both parties? I have to question that as well. Personally I try to dig deeper than before and find my own imperfections [...] GC, those annoyances could be anything... Pulling the car too far into the garage and blocking the walkway, neglecting to turn on an exhaust fan when cooking something smelly, leaving a trivial task undone. There are all sorts of things that you're willing to cope with or ignore when the relationship is on great terms. I lump myself in with all of the imperfect people who have flaws. On the whole I may be the "world's greatest something", but that's an amalgam of good and bad traits. And some of those good traits only exist on the backs of the bad traits. So it's not with malice that I left a dirty dish on the counter, but in the course of cleaning up one of the other 10 things on my mind distracted me from putting it into the dishwasher. The state of the relationship greatly influences how actions are interpreted and whether they're annoying or not. Then it boils down to how it gets handled. When the same spouse who occasionally tells the children to put their dirty dish in the dishwasher, but repeatedly leaves their dish out. That's a control issue, a double standard, being a hypocrite. When confronted with the issue, instead of saying, "your right my mistake, I'll try to do better, please remind me, thank you for telling me." They come back at you with, " It's not my problem, it's not that important, an avoid-ant silent shrug, or you get asked"why don't you just do it?" I respond, because I shouldn't have to, it's about responsibility" followed by a silent putting away of the plate , with it happening again the next day, and the next, what does that tell you about the kind of person you are dealing with? That things that are important to you are irrelevant. Things that are important enough to teach a child, don't apply to them, it leads to a further dis-connection, lack of respect, and lack of trust. Picking up that plate and putting it in the dishwasher "an act of service" soon leads to an expected chore. Surprise, 29 yrs go buy and you ask yourself, "this is going on year 30, why do I have to be doing this?" |
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Post by DryCreek on Oct 28, 2016 14:14:59 GMT -5
Fair enough, GC. Definitely some hypocrisy in those examples of "do as I say and not as I do", which is more indicative of someone who likes to find faults in others, and isn't really concerned about whether the dishes make it into the dishwasher (or their own perfection).
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